WILLARD STRAIGHT — The latest Cornell blood drive is sparking renewed frustration as donors receive their results from the required test taken before donation. Red Cross representative Katherine Lea reports, “The median blood type was around a B. This is a slightly above average result and the students should be very proud.” Chris Tanner, ‘18,…
WEST CAMPUS—Last Thursday, the cooks at Hans Bethe House tried their best and offered up a flavorless take on a dish with deep cultural roots. The dining hall staff was confident that, after about fifteen minutes of looking up empanada recipes, they could accurately deliver a cultural staple that has been perfected over generations all…
BUCKINGHAM HALL—After a trip to Spirit Halloween last Tuesday, one student believed they had the perfect topical political costume: the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Liz Truss. Unfortunately, after two days of excitedly telling friends about their head-of-state costume, they discovered that their Halloween muse had quit her job. “Oh sure, what is my…
After a stressful and tense week at Ithaca town hall, the Mayoral staff was relieved to find Svante Myrick after his disappearance one week ago. “We figured he just got lost. He does that sometimes, but he usually comes back after a few days.” explained Myrick’s chief of staff Alex Ellers. Ellers continued “One time…
WARREN HALL—Every semester, thousands of Cornellians ambiguously fill out When2Meet surveys seeking an optimal hour to schedule their weekly rendezvous. While scrutinizing the availability of his fellow project teammates, president Edmund Fitch ‘24 was shocked to see that for the first time, the socially inept loner on the team indicated that he was unavailable to…
CORNELL HEALTH–Maricel Caoili ‘26 experienced a breakthrough in therapy this Thursday when Dr. Elizabeth Fields decided to ignore Caoili’s experiences entirely and consult 2012’s third leading fanfiction and quiz website, Quotev. “I’d been trying to help Maricel for a while, but it’s so hard when I have no training related to trauma, the stress of…
ITHACA – Sources report that a number of students involved in campus extracurricular groups will gather today on Ho Plaza to distribute pieces of paper with highly useless information regarding their club’s activities. These 4″x6″ documents, if received, are known to cause grave maladies such as performance attendance, social activism, and mild papercuts. If seen by…
ITHACA — After looking into the prevalence of graffiti on the Cornell main campus, investigators from the Ithaca Police Department are almost certain the vandal, who has been defacing school property with communist propaganda, is an asshole. “We had our suspicions that this hoodlum was an asshole back in November when they spray painted the…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—In an unusual reversal, the College of Human Ecology rapidly changed tacks on their new study connecting being a complete asshat with holding the title of President of Cornell. “Although my colleagues and I initially believed that symptoms of being a total clown showed a direct cause-and-effect relationship with being the head…
This post is sponsored by The Skits. Go see The Skits Present: Shouldn’t We Have Graduated By Now – A 25th Anniversary Alumni Show, Saturday, March 10th at 9:00pm in Barnes Hall. Tickets are $5 and available at www.theskits.com or by emailing skitscomedy@gmail.com BARNES HALL—The much anticipated Skits 25th anniversary show hit an awkward patch…
