NEWMAN ARENA — The men’s basketball team was able to avoid embarrassment on a national stage in the NCAA tournament last night by not participating in said tournament. “It sure would have been tough to see our boys get clobbered by some power conference school like Duke or Kentucky,” expressed Dylan Harris ‘18, point guard…
URIS HALL–Opening her pencil case to reveal a panoply of colors, sophomore Rachel Lee explained to classmates Tuesday how her new 24 pack of 0.5mm diameter Japanese gel pens had greatly improved her studying efficiency. “I’m pre-med, so I’ve pretty much optimized my note-taking,” explained Lee, while pulling a copy of Campbell Biology out of…
HIGHLAND ROAD—Happy Halloween! As is tradition, Cornell’s various fraternities have found themselves gearing up for a weekend of spooky costumes, ghoulishly cheap beer and raucous festivities. In their estimation, those frats that throw the most legendary Halloweekend parties will be rewarded with an influx of eager pledges. However, the forward-thinking young men at Phi Omega…
COLLEGETOWN—Totally oblivious to the growing pool of murky rainwater by the sidewalk, dozens gathered at a bus stop to avoid walking home. Just as the puddle’s coverage approached the optimal splash radius, a TCAT drove straight through it at full speed, dousing everyone with soaking leaf mulch anyway. “I swear I was hydroplaning,” explained route…
THURSTON AVENUE—Partygoers were perplexed when Phi Alpha Rho doorman Terrance Robinson ‘25 asked them if they had three brothers before admitting them to the event. “I think the guy was kinda in over his head,” said attendee Jared Carlson ‘24. “I thought I’d misheard [Robinson] at first, but he was insistent that I tell him…
WESTCHESTER, NY—In a confusing development, your Aunt Patricia apparently knows Cornell exclusively as the alma mater of Huey Lewis, the frontman of the bygone pop rock band Huey Lewis and the News. “I always used to think that some fancy-schmancy Cornell education was a waste of money, but then I learned that Huey Lewis went…
URIS HALL—While students across campus methodically scan syllabi for loopholes in preparation for the quickly approaching drop deadline, one particularly picky senior’s decision to drop was based not on an impending prelim whose material went unstudied, but rather the class crush she’d been mildly stalking giving her “the ick.” “I knew we would never work,”…
ITHACA—All appeared well for medieval history major Elliot Peters ‘23 as he engaged in the initial small-talk over Tinder to his latest match, high on the satisfaction of their incredible conversation, the type of conversation that Peters found a rarity on the app. Or so he thought. Peters’ evening went downhill faster than a loose…
CORNELL CAMPUS – Following the results of the 2016 presidential election, much to the chagrin and disappointment of a large portion of the overly liberal Cornell campus, reports indicate that many students are far too sad to masturbate and will likely stay that way until tomorrow or Friday at the latest. “The outcome of this…
GOLDWIN SMITH—During a spontaneous father-son tour of campus, one student found himself in the center of a parental rivalry between the man who begrudgingly raised him and the academic father figure who occasionally winks at him in the hallway. “I was just showing my father around the Temple of Zeus, and it was going pretty…
