GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—This Monday, exactly 20 years after the U.S. invasion of Iraq caused countless deaths, Cornell Republicans are celebrating this victory of conservative policy by declaring publicly that Morrison staff are preparing a weapon to destroy all of mankind. “We have reliable intelligence that suggests Morrison stir fry is actually made with 95% enriched…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—After three consecutive years of run-on sentences, one Daily Sun columnist has discovered a new way to pause. “For years, I’ve been finishing sentences with periods,” said James Stoll ‘23. “Then, my editor told me that my sentences were going on too long and that I needed to find a way to work…
ITHACA, NY—Cornell University President Martha Pollack’s decision not to suspend classes on Presidents’ Day has drawn fierce criticism from concerned patriots across campus. “President Pollack has brought shame to this institution by disrespecting the legacies of three of our nation’s presidents,” said George Ramirez ‘23, spokesperson for the Cornell Historical Society. “By not celebrating this…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—With one day left to study, fashion design student Jennifer Suh ‘24 is freaking the hell out over her impending final with a daunting subject: Zippers. “I don’t know what the fuck I am going to do,” explained an exasperated Suh. “There is so much I have to shove inside my head…
Perhaps you have seen their strange advertisements. Perhaps one of them has approached you, pushing their product. God forbid, perhaps a “friend” has dragged you to one of their cult-like ceremonies, and charged you money for the privilege! This problem is top of mind for many Cornellians. The instrumentless menace, the unaccompanied scourge, the A…
October the 14th Today was a cruel day. I was dutifully making my way across Campus Road, soon to be greeted by a delectable submarine sandwich from Mattin’s Cafe, when I found myself viciously hoodwinked by a local ne’er-do-well. As I reached the end of the crosswalk, the Duffield doors called out to me, summoning…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD–While homecoming weekend is an exciting time for all students, surely no one is anticipating it more than Casey Gable ‘25, a football player who derives sexual gratification from being publicly humiliated. “I love it when the whole stadium has their eyes on me in my tight little shorts,” groaned Gable, already sweating through…
ARTS QUAD–“Wow! Isn’t she so beautiful?” says a salivating Fredirck Wiles ‘25 over Caroline Naderi ‘24, who has been assigned to be the face of the “ground-breaking, barrier-smashing, revolutionary club,” as she has just been granted permission to exit her storage closet.Engineering project teams across campus have been concerned about their ratio, and the Cornell…
NORTH CAMPUS–Cornell Housing and Residential Life left many students hot and bothered this Monday after announcing that all residents of air conditioned dorms would be issued a complimentary monocle and butler to distinguish them from the uncooled masses. “Although Cornell has a proud 150-year history of prioritizing privileged students at the expense of their disadvantaged…
WEST CAMPUS—Students on West Campus awoke this morning to a startling and deeply disturbing sight: Libe Slope. “I really thought it would’ve eroded by now,” said Earth Sciences junior Thomas Fieldston. “I mean, you’ve got students marching on it all day, crazy unpredictable weather, and Goldwin Smith, which has gotta weigh a ton.” Students are…
