Ithaca

Housing Department Under Fire For Hasty Response To Ganędagǫ: Mice Despite Complete Silence Concerning Low Rise Seven Vampire Bats

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

LOW RISE SEVEN—The University Housing Department faced criticism this past week for their rapid action regarding rodents in Ganędagǫ: Hall as they continued to ignore the rampant infestation of bloodsucking vampire bats throughout Low Rise 7. The host of flighted mammals have reportedly occupied the dilapidated residence hall for several months without any university intervention….

Ithaca Beer Co. Promises to Open After Acquiring Gifts of Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh

Nooz Staff4 years ago02 mins

COLLEGETOWN—Following months of delays since this past summer, Ithaca Beer Co. has promised they will finally open once they’ve acquired gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. “We were hoping the issues we had with acquiring our liquor license would be the last of the obstacles we would encounter,” said owner, Mark Speltz. “I haven’t had…

Collegetown 7-Eleven Unveils New Road Slush ICEE Flavor

Nooz Staff4 years ago02 mins

COLLEGETOWN–Gourmands, rejoice! Ithaca’s signature blend of ice, piss, asphalt, and antifreeze is now on tap at Collegetown’s 7-Eleven location. The limited-time only road slush flavor is part of the store’s push into Ithaca’s culinary scene. “7-Eleven may not be the first place that comes to mind when you think of fresh, local, and seasonal flavors,…

Report: Girlfriend Just “Thinks It’s Funny” That Tom Brady’s Retirement Got 3 Instagram Stories, But 6-Month Anniversary Got 1

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

COLLEGETOWN–It was a normal Tuesday night for Peter Graven and Sophia Morgan, both ‘23, as they spent their evening finishing some school work before catching up on the latest episode of Euphoria. Morgan was so enraptured by the neon depiction of teen opiate abuse that she barely noticed Graven spent most of the episode scrolling…

Ithaca Street Plows Do A Good Job

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

HIGHLAND PLACE—Demonstrating Ithaca’s dedication to excellence, the Street Cleaning Crew worked around the clock this past weekend, valiantly battling the wild forces of Mother Nature, clearing snow from every pavement alongside their gerrymandered snow routes. “Too long has our poor performance been fodder for small talk with that person you have nothing in common…

Neil Young Spotify Removal Devastates Population of Male Philosophy Students Who Can’t Get It Up Without a Whispery Old Man Voice on Their Sex Playlists

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

ITHACA CAMPUS—In an event tantamount to the burning of the Library of Alexandria, Spotify’s sudden removal of Neil Young’s discography has annihilated the sex playlists of men across the philosophy department. “Without Neil Young, I might as well give up sex,” complained Dorian Lancaster ‘23 between drags of his cigarette. “Sure, women are great, but…

“Halloweekend Was A Movie” Says Freshman Who Saw Two Girls Kiss

Nooz Staff4 years ago02 mins

NORTH CAMPUS—Halloween weekend, typically a staple of Cornell student culture, returned in full force after COVID-19 decimated last year’s celebrations. For many students, this was their first chance to experience a true, in-person Halloween at Cornell. After weeks of building excitement, students were eager for the big weekend to arrive and early reports indicate that…

Martha Pollack Under Fire For Wagering Cornell Endowment at Dog Fight

Nooz Staff4 years ago4 years ago03 mins

DAY HALL—President Martha Pollack has drawn scrutiny across campus this weekend after details have emerged that link the president to a high-stakes dog fighting ring. Although early reports had indicated that Pollack is someone of a regular at the fights, the true extent of her involvement is only just beginning to be revealed. “Oh yeah,…

Campus to Introduce Permanent Patch Of Dirt With A Few Trucks On It

Nooz Staff4 years ago4 years ago03 mins

ARTS QUAD—In an announcement that sent shockwaves throughout campus, President Martha Pollack unveiled construction plans for a new dusty home for minimally labeled and questionably permitted trucks in the middle of the arts quad. “We really wanted to spruce up the place,” wrote Pollack in her Monday morning email, “I kept looking at all that…

Cornell Riot Police Deploy Freshman Dorm Smell Against Maskless Monday Protestors

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

DAY HALL 一 Student protestors participating in the first Maskless Monday protest against Cornell’s masking policy were met by the repulsive aroma of a sweaty, virginal freshman’s dorm room as CUPD Riot Police sought to disperse the protest. “At first I didn’t know what scents were hitting my bare, uncovered nose,” said Chasten Miles ‘25….

“Quiet, Piggy!”: Donald Trump Denounces Consumption of Pork in Attempt to Impress Zohran Mamdani

Trump: ABC Reporter Lucky She Not Sawed Up in Saudi Embassy

Cornell Daily Sun Renamed Cornell Daily Rain Sleet Hail Snow

Report: Syracuse Airport Has City, Too

Wings Over Ithaca Competitor “Wings Over Crete” Sees Sharp Plummet in Sales

Kotlikoff Not Sure This Best Time To Redeem Newly Acquired Mar-A-Lago Flight Voucher

Housing Department Under Fire For Hasty Response To Ganędagǫ: Mice Despite Complete Silence Concerning Low Rise Seven Vampire Bats

Ithaca Beer Co. Promises to Open After Acquiring Gifts of Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh

Collegetown 7-Eleven Unveils New Road Slush ICEE Flavor

Report: Girlfriend Just “Thinks It’s Funny” That Tom Brady’s Retirement Got 3 Instagram Stories, But 6-Month Anniversary Got 1

Ithaca Street Plows Do A Good Job

Neil Young Spotify Removal Devastates Population of Male Philosophy Students Who Can’t Get It Up Without a Whispery Old Man Voice on Their Sex Playlists

“Halloweekend Was A Movie” Says Freshman Who Saw Two Girls Kiss

Martha Pollack Under Fire For Wagering Cornell Endowment at Dog Fight

Campus to Introduce Permanent Patch Of Dirt With A Few Trucks On It

Cornell Riot Police Deploy Freshman Dorm Smell Against Maskless Monday Protestors