Friday, September 11, 2026
Mama’s Cleverest Boy Stumped by Strange Clothes-Washing Machine
Cornell Republican Sheds Red Nose and Polka Dot Romper, Slinks into Suit for Rare ClubFest Metamorphosis
English Department Receives $12 Grant
Level B ‘Underage Tuesdays’ Sees Commercial Success, Legal Ramifications

CU Nooz

Random Nooz
Mama’s Cleverest Boy Stumped by Strange Clothes-Washing Machine
Cornell Republican Sheds Red Nose and Polka Dot Romper, Slinks into Suit for Rare ClubFest Metamorphosis
English Department Receives $12 Grant
Level B ‘Underage Tuesdays’ Sees Commercial Success, Legal Ramifications

CU Nooz

Random Nooz
Headlines

Mama’s Cleverest Boy Stumped by Strange Clothes-Washing Machine

Cornell Republican Sheds Red Nose and Polka Dot Romper, Slinks into Suit for Rare ClubFest Metamorphosis

English Department Receives $12 Grant

Level B ‘Underage Tuesdays’ Sees Commercial Success, Legal Ramifications

Birder Actually Not Sure About That One

Professor Spices Up Syllabus With Jokes Like “Attendance is Mandatory”

Outfit Shabby Enough to Do Work in Math Library Today

Super Seniors Devastated to Learn of “No Game” in Freshman Dorms

Worst Guy You Know Looking For Manic Pixie Tylenol Users

Wasian Student Association To Host Mixer

Ithaca

Students Eager to Return to Newly Financially-Stable ‘Cornell University, A Pepsi Company’

Nooz Staff02 mins

DAY HALL—Following a surprise press conference Thursday morning, university stakeholders are reportedly responding positively to President Martha Pollack’s announcement that PepsiCo has officially acquired Cornell University in a deal that has rebalanced the university’s finances amid a period of great economic uncertainty.  University stakeholders have been weighing in from all sides with overwhelmingly favorable responses…

Read Full News

‘Sometimes, Even the Best Things Must Come to an End’ Murmurs Martha Pollack on What Could be Her Final Nude Strolls Across Deserted Campus

Nooz Staff02 mins

CORNELL BOTANIC GARDENS—During what could be her last naked jaunt through the largely abandoned Ithaca campus, Cornell President Martha Pollack was heard ruminating to herself, “well, we all knew it couldn’t be like this forever.”   Amid the rush of eager students returning to move out of off-campus housing, and a significant contingent of the Class of…

Read Full News

Ithaca Landlords Agree to Rent Freeze After Realizing “We Are All Tenants on this Beautiful Planet Called Earth”

Nooz Staff02 mins

COLLEGETOWN—In a public broadcast delivered via megaphone from the roof of Ithaca Renting Company, representatives of the Lambrou, Avramis, and O’Connor apartments announced their stunning support for a Collegetown rent freeze, after coming to the realization that “We are all tenants on this beautiful planet called Earth.” “We have, all of us, been led astray…

Read Full News

OP-ED: Am I the Right Person to Educate a Racially Ambiguous Student on Issues of Ethnic Identity?

Nooz Staff02 mins

I was sitting at Terrace yesterday when I overheard a boy with an equivocal ethnic background echoing a number of problematic opinions involving race and class. Unfortunately, in a truly frustrating dilemma, I couldn’t give an unsolicited schooling on intersectionality and ethnicity because his complete lack of distinguishing factors meant I didn’t know if it…

Read Full News

Students Excited to See Some Diversity in Collegetown Food Scene with Addition of New Asian Restaurant

Nooz Staff02 mins

EDDY STREET— With Miyake, a beloved Japanese restaurant, recently closing its doors, members of the Collegetown community are reportedly saddened by the loss, but enthusiastic for new diversity in the C-town food landscape —in the form of Masita, a new Asian restaurant. “I was actually, like, super scared,” commented Abigail Jimenez ‘21. “With Miyake closing,…

Read Full News

Owner of New Onion Onion Restaurant Looking to Profit Off Mango Mango’s Success

Nooz Staff01 mins

DRYDEN ROAD—Fresh off the widely-anticipated opening of Mango Mango in Collegetown, restaurateur Bernard Shepards is hoping to capitalize on the fervor with his new dessert venture, Onion Onion. “We know we may not be students’ first choice dessert spot,” admitted Shepards as he prepared his personal-favorite Onion Mochi. “But if you have a bitter tooth,…

Read Full News