LINDEN AVE—Wilke Geoff, ‘20, was devastated upon his realization that his love for Cornell stems from the amazing people that teach, learn, and work there, rather than its physical architecture. Geoff, despite the flight of his roomates, had resolved to “stick it out” in Ithaca, even going as far as posting a fist-shaking GIF Jordan…
I was sitting at Terrace yesterday when I overheard a boy with an equivocal ethnic background echoing a number of problematic opinions involving race and class. Unfortunately, in a truly frustrating dilemma, I couldn’t give an unsolicited schooling on intersectionality and ethnicity because his complete lack of distinguishing factors meant I didn’t know if it…
EDDY STREET— With Miyake, a beloved Japanese restaurant, recently closing its doors, members of the Collegetown community are reportedly saddened by the loss, but enthusiastic for new diversity in the C-town food landscape —in the form of Masita, a new Asian restaurant. “I was actually, like, super scared,” commented Abigail Jimenez ‘21. “With Miyake closing,…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL — Whether it comes to common choices in clothing, similar affectations, or extreme emotional reactions, bitches really do be like that, a pioneering new study has confirmed. Looking at behaviors such as daily horoscope checking, writing notes in five different colors, and making 5-11 Instagram story posts wishing their friend “Happy…
COLLEGETOWN—In the wake of the novel coronavirus epidemic, classmates, friends, and other acquaintances of Bryan Pham ‘21 have all asked about his winter break travel plans. Specifically about his proximity to Wuhan, the capital city of the Hubei province of China and the epicenter of the coronavirus outbreak. “I heard on twitter that the Chinese…
DRYDEN ROAD—Fresh off the widely-anticipated opening of Mango Mango in Collegetown, restaurateur Bernard Shepards is hoping to capitalize on the fervor with his new dessert venture, Onion Onion. “We know we may not be students’ first choice dessert spot,” admitted Shepards as he prepared his personal-favorite Onion Mochi. “But if you have a bitter tooth,…
WEILL COLLEGE OF MEDICINE — A steaming report by the university’s Office of Research Integrity and Assurance found that the Jill Roberts Center for Inflammatory Bowel Disease has been spewing crap for years. “We knew something stank in that institute,” said Juliet McCaughlin, Cornell’s ethics investigator. “As it turns out, those guys are neck deep…
THE COMMONS—After he saw 20-minutes lines for Apple Fest-goers to pay $2 for a single apple cider donut made by members of a local Amish community this past weekend, owner of local restaurant Waffle Frolic Johnny Clotter was observed putting on an Amish-style bonnet in hopes that the aesthetic would bring him more business. “The…
Morrill Hall—During his Introduction to Anthropology discussion section earlier this week, Kevin Quoc ‘22 reportedly veered off-track from the assigned readings and began a line of inquiry closely drawing on an episode of the hit History Channel show, “Ancient Aliens.” When the TA asked if anyone had questions about the migration patterns discussed in lecture…
Ithaca NY—After many of her friends returned to campus from their marvelous spring break adventures around the globe, one pathetic student actually enjoyed her time staying in Ithaca over the break. Even though she never drank the finest wines or had passionate flings with the hottest men the world had to offer, Sarah Waller ‘21…
