ITHACA—With less than a week until graduation, the class of 2022 has been feeling sentimental, especiallysenior Michael Cohan who claims to “want to savor every moment” and do so by partying hard enough to be blacked out the entire week. “These are the last days I’ll have with my best friends,” lamented Cohan. “No more…
IVES HALL–Following four years of social activism, labor history, and education critical of corporate America, graduating seniors in Cornell’s School of Industrial and Labor Relations are itching to drop the act and use that knowledge to destroy unions for large sums of money. “It’s been four years of hard work, twenty-page essays, and thousands of…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL–In a refreshing bout of honesty, Cornell’s most exclusively selective premier business club, Cornell Opportunity Consulting, celebrated their graduating class with a new tradition: sharing how thankful all the returning members are to never have to see them again. “Samantha, if it wasn’t for Cornell Opportunity Consulting I would never have had the…
LIBE SLOPE— In one of their most desperate pleas for attention to date, the Student Assembly has decided to meddle in Slope Day, cordially inviting one of the most commercially successful bands of all time to work unpaid for a bunch of undergraduates behind the backs of actual event organizers. “Planning Slope Day on a…
HO PLAZA–Tour guide Lupe Dimas ‘24 wowed a crowd of eager parents Friday morning by demonstrating how to gain the trust of easily frightened Cornell students before using them as their own personal measuring stick with which to compare their children. “A lot of these parents think they can just walk up to students like…
CORNELL HEALTH—Administrators from Cornell Health and Safety introduced a new member of their team this morning: Godfrey the Knee-Licking Goblin. “We thought it was past time to fight back against the epidemic that is guys wearing 5” inseam shorts in the middle of winter,” announced Arnold Riggs, newly appointed director of C.U.P.D. (Cornell University Patellar…
COLLEGETOWN- This Monday, not yet yawning Naomi Morningstar ‘23 logged into Student Center to enroll in her senior year classes at the wee hours of the morning. “We thought that this was the best call for the situation,” Cornell’s Dean of Academic Enrollment Tobias Nightingale explained. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen…
LIBE SLOPE—In a massive Earth Day victory for campus sustainability groups, local student and environmental warrior Devin Carmichael ‘24 helped save the planet by heroically kicking an empty beer can out of a walkway. “I have a friend who’s an Environment and Sustainability major, so I’ve always been pretty attuned to issues with nature and…
KENNEDY HALL—Professor Ray Farrow’s 11:00am biology lecture failed to conclude on time today despite a seemingly biblical intervention of frogs and locusts enveloping the auditorium. While the entrapped students pleaded with the course instructor to stop the class at the scheduled time, Professor Farrow could not be dissuaded by the barrage of amphibian interruptions. “He…
COLLEGETOWN– It was a typical afternoon for Bradley Worcestershire IV, ‘23 when a trip for a salted caramel frappuccino came to halt upon discovering that the Starbucks on College Ave was closed due to an ongoing labor strike being waged by its workers. “It was odd, bro. I couldn’t really get why the workers were…
