Approximately twice a year, many Cornellians must rethink some of their life decisions. This often occurs at the end of the semester, and is often centered around their friendships with people in a cappella groups. But recently, I’ve come to the conclusion that if these people were REALLY my friends, they would not ask me…
COLLEGETOWN BAGELS—The many patrons of Collegetown Bagels were made unknowing witnesses to a masterful display of proper patient privacy procedure by Cornell Health therapist Dr. Lynn Dravis this Thursday. While standing in the restaurant’s famous and extensive line, Dr. Dravis discretely and purposefully winked towards her patient, Ken Pollmer ‘24, communicating an entire doctrine’s worth…
URIS LIBRARY—Scheduler’s latest update never fails to excite Ethan Weiss ‘23. “Ever since I was a freshman, I’ve looked forward to the release of the next version of Scheduler,” said Weiss, double major in art and geometry. “Sure, it’s technically available all year, but there’s nothing like getting your hands on a fresh slate of…
ITHACA—Thousands of local Ithaca residents have lost their homes in the wake of a seismic disaster following an email from President Martha Pollack, which carelessly granted 22,000 individuals the right to freedom of expression. At 11:04 AM on April 17th, the sound of thousands of voices simultaneously expressing themselves radiated out from Cornell’s campus, razing…
HO PLAZA–This Earth Day, the Cornell Store is making a special pledge to the planet. For every item that goes unpurchased, they will match it with a generous donation to the Tompkins County Solid Waste Center. Eco-saviors are invited to open their hearts, but mostly their wallets, and find a semblance of purpose within store inventory:…
FLORA ROSE HOUSE—Despite being a self-avowed “card-carrying Cornell commie,” Jerome “Jerry” Woodhouse ‘25, the roommate of Brent Hao ‘25, has reportedly been pretty fucking reticent to split the costs of gas receipts from their spring break road trip. “I figured that if anyone would be quick to pay me back, it would be the guy…
KLARMAN HALL—As a result of their loss in the quarterfinals, the middle-aged members of the Cornell men’s hockey team have begun attending GOVT1322: Introductory Governance lectures once again. “I was super intimidated the first day of school when I walked into a bunch of grown men sitting in the back row,” said Grace Cortez ‘26….
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—This Monday, exactly 20 years after the U.S. invasion of Iraq caused countless deaths, Cornell Republicans are celebrating this victory of conservative policy by declaring publicly that Morrison staff are preparing a weapon to destroy all of mankind. “We have reliable intelligence that suggests Morrison stir fry is actually made with 95% enriched…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—After three consecutive years of run-on sentences, one Daily Sun columnist has discovered a new way to pause. “For years, I’ve been finishing sentences with periods,” said James Stoll ‘23. “Then, my editor told me that my sentences were going on too long and that I needed to find a way to work…
CORNELL HEALTH–Maricel Caoili ‘26 experienced a breakthrough in therapy this Thursday when Dr. Elizabeth Fields decided to ignore Caoili’s experiences entirely and consult 2012’s third leading fanfiction and quiz website, Quotev. “I’d been trying to help Maricel for a while, but it’s so hard when I have no training related to trauma, the stress of…
