MCGRAW HALL—Attempting to spread the holiday spirit, Professor Robert Jones wrote a greeting on the board before lecture this Wednesday that completely butchered the spelling of Chanukah.
“I think Professor Jones remembered only the first and last letters and just filled in the rest by using, like, a random-letter generator or something,” said Jonah Goldfarb ’20.
While the holiday has numerous acceptable spellings in English, students agreed that the professor’s version did not remotely resemble any of them. said Rebecca Roseman ’19. “It’s a nice gesture and all,” said Rebecca Roseman ’19, “but I would’ve expected the former Rhodes Scholar to have at least typed the name into Google beforehand.”
Seemingly unaware of his error, the sociology professor then began his lecture by wishing all his Jewish students a happy and healthy celebration for each one of the holiday’s 40 days and 40 nights.
OLIN LIBRARY — In what witnesses are calling a true miracle, it has been confirmed that Ethan Gold’s iPhone battery managed to last eight days straight while he was studying in Olin library for his final exams.
“I was shocked by how long the battery lasted,” Gold recounted. “Going into the first day of finals week, I noticed I had left my phone charger in my dorm, and couldn’t afford to waste the time to go back and get it. I thought it had at most one day of power.”
Gold had worried that once his phone was drained, he would have to leave his studies to find someone with a cord and an outlet. Yet the charge carried on, and Gold was able to stay in the library for a full eight days and eight nights.
He added, “after day three my phone was already down to under 20%, and on the final two days my phone held out with under 5% battery. I’m tempted to say God is looking out for me.”
After taking his exams and handing in his papers, Gold was seen returning to his dorm, celebrating the miracle of his phone—one he and his people will never forget.