BARTELS HALL—Amidst an on campus housing crisis, the university administration has seemingly been living on a prayer that someone else will bail them out of their own gross miscalculation. Though the departments of Human Development, Engineering, and even Architecture have remained entirely unhelpful, Cornell Outdoor Education has managed to field enough tents to “house” the newly admitted students.
“We’re incredibly excited to introduce the Very Low Rises,” explained Danika Sprout, Director of Cornell Housing and Residential Life. “We feel that the close quarters provided by this new style of dormitory will create community by encouraging very close interactions between residents, especially to avoid freezing to death during the winter months!”
In addition to the tents, COE has also dispatched Outdoor Odyssey volunteers to help the admitted students adapt to dorm life. “Welcome to Cornell Workshops” on hovel building, respectful rooming, and which species of skunk are safe to eat gave the potential freshman a look at what life will be like for the class of 2028.
Following COE’s lead, other campus organizations have stepped up to enliven the new living space. Cornell Waste Management offered up a number of rusted out trash cans to be set on fire and the Animal Science Department contributed several deceased chickens for the creation of stews or broths.
The new tents also have the added benefit of being highly mobile. While they can be pushed up against the walls of actual residence halls to gain shelter from the wind, they can also be relocated anywhere that the residents like. Taking inspiration from Columbia’s “the City is your campus” motto, tour guides informed the admitted students that “the campus is your dorm room.”
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