Absolutely Zero Chance Of McGraw Tower Catastrophically Falling Onto Ho Plaza And Rolling Down the Slope, Announces Administration In Unprompted Statement

MCGRAW TOWER—In response to a complete absence of student concern, Cornell administration announced this morning that there was absolutely no chance of McGraw Tower toppling down atop Ho Plaza before tumbling down the slope. The statement assured that such an event, which would transform the university’s iconic clocktower into a musical human steamroller, certainly would not occur.

“There is no reason for anyone to believe that they are in serious mortal peril simply by being near the clocktower,” stated Arnold Balmer, Cornell Chief of Construction, turning his head to glance at the tower after every few words. 

After one particularly strong gust of wind drifted over Ho Plaza, Balmer was seen sprinting away from the tower and diving headlong into a nearby bush. When questioned, he explained that this action was simply a routine inspection of the plaza’s landscaping, and that it had nothing to do with “that time telling death machine.” Balmer then cautiously returned to his post at the top of the tower, leaning out of a window with a broomstick and desperately swatting at approaching birds in an attempt to stop them from landing on the roof.

At the same time, a horde of university officials were seen pleading with students to vacate their spots on the slope in what they claimed was part of a new initiative to “have students visit places on campus that are not here.”

This morning’s statement was also accompanied by an update from President Pollack, announcing her visit to a Cornell sister university in Moscow in order to study their “fascinating and complex” extradition policies.

Construction of Incomprehensible North Campus Labyrinth Coming Along Smoothly

NORTH CAMPUS—In a bewildering display of competency on its construction sites, Cornell’s very own incomprehensible labyrinth has begun to take shape in the center of North Campus. While the creation of the impossible structure has been detrimental to student’s sleep schedules, with some freshmen complaining of ominous chanting and bulldozer noises at three in the morning, many North Campus residents are excited to witness the labyrinth’s final form.

“I thought it was a waste of tuition money for the first few weeks,” said Jameson Hall resident Maria Rivera ‘24. “I mean, all the pedestrian detours and warning signs were so well-marked, you can’t call that a maze. But tomorrow I took a wrong turn on my way to dinner, and I came out near the clocktower two weeks ago!” Ducking around to the side of RPCC to avoid being seen by her past self, she added, “If it’s this confusing already, I can’t wait to see it finished.”

Other survivors of the ever-evolving twisting halls have commended the construction team for their intense dedication to the aesthetic. Reports of the interior decorations have ranged from a garden of ancient Greek statues, a spiral staircase adorned with M.C. Escher paintings, and at least one bearded man in a wizard hat, who was overheard mumbling about being late to his D&D game.

The construction foreman, Dave Matthews, expressed his delight that the unlucky students trapped within the maze were enjoying the unfathomable experience. “So many people want to try and make labyrinths modern these days,” he said, shouting to be heard over the distant roar of a minotaur, “but you just can’t beat the classics!”

Despite the rumors circulating campus, Matthews refused to confirm whether David Bowie’s ghost had been summoned to haunt the center of the labyrinth in revealing leather tights.

 

“Come On In!” Olin Librarian Encourages as Wrecking Ball Smashes Through Circulation Desk

OLIN LIBRARY — Librarians at Olin Library are reportedly still enthusiastic about getting students to use their library  despite current construction actively destroying their workplace..

“We’re really excited about the new renovations going on here,” said librarian Dana Holcomb ‘89, gesturing to the crushed wreck that once was the circulation desk. “Unfortunately, that does mean you may have to deal with some noise here and there  and of course the occasional truck backing through a wall. But this is hardly prohibitive—it’s really easy to dodge a rogue front end loader if you notice it far enough in advance.”

Although some have expressed concern about the disturbances caused by the updates to the library’s terrace, the staff maintains that Olin is still a great space for students to collaborate and study. “It’s still the same old Olin!” Holcomb shouted, straining to be heard above the jackhammer smashing a hole through the floor near the entrance.

Holcomb did acknowledge that some students find the agitated environment offputting. “Some students require some coaxing, but—oh shit, look out!” she yelled as a chunk of the ceiling crushed through the ground immediately next to her. After confirming that the floor would not collapse, Holcomb began to chuckle.

“It keeps you on your toes,” she said. “Who knew being a librarian would be such good exercise?”

At press time, Holcomb was seen fishing a Libe Cafe barista out of a recently-opened sinkhole.

University to Construct Giant Nipple Atop Bailey Hall

BAILEY HALL—In keeping with the university’s requirement to continually construct buildings in the contemporary style, Cornell has announced plans to construct an enormous nipple towering above Bailey Hall’s 1,324 seats, reminding all who enter of a nipple.

“When I was walking by Bailey Hall during my usual campus rounds the other day, I couldn’t help feeling like the school’s largest auditorium was missing something. Then it hit me: This building is just begging to be adorned with a massive, cast iron teat,” said President Martha Pollack.

According to Pierre Lesplife ‘91, the project’s architect, the mammary papilla will feature a 45 foot-wide areola base with a 15 by 10 foot nippular mound. Its surface will be coated with a reflective coat of water resistant paint that will reportedly create an oily glisten on rare sunny Ithaca days.

“Clearly, the protuberance will be the culminating feature on this elegant building,” Lesplife remarked. “It wasn’t clear before its construction, but now you can’t miss how obviously Bailey Hall needed a nipple. It just pokes out at you.”

At present, the nipple is covered under tarps to protect its supple structure during construction. “I’m really looking forward to the day we get to free the nipple for all of campus to behold,” Pollack said. “Although it is still being erected now, I think it will really excite the student body when the nipple is finally exposed.”

In order to assuage concerns over the addition’s perceived indecency, Cornell has preemptively stated that the “Bailey Hall Nipple” will be a male nipple as opposed to a female nipple, thus making it appropriate for viewers of all ages.

Cocktail Lounge Construction Crew Still Not Respecting Whisper Zone

URIS LIBRARY—While working on renovations in Uris Library’s Cocktail Lounge, construction workers have been flagrantly disregarding the “Whisper Zone” signs located throughout the study area.

“They’re just so inconsiderate. How am I supposed to watch Netflix or snap my brothers when the jackhammers and table saws are exceeding the level of a gentle whisper?” complained Joseph Gao ‘20. “It’s like the construction workers have no respect for the Whisper Zone, though at least the new noise level is an improvement over last semester.”

Students have reported that in the Cocktail Lounge, which has gained a reputation as the perfect place to study if you’d rather not, the noise level from power sanders alone is nearly as loud as someone slowly opening a bag of chips.

“Shushing them doesn’t seem to do any good either,” said Elizabeth Beckham ‘21. “They’ll stop hammering for a few seconds, glare at you, and then slowly raise their volume back to normal over the course of a few minutes. The worst offenders are the people demolishing the drywall in the private study rooms. They don’t think we can hear them outside the door, but we totally can.”

Cornell assures students that the construction workers don’t want to cause a nuisance, but rumor has it that one of their welding machines was smoking in a No Smoking area.

Cornell to Begin Construction on $100 Million New Gorge Connecting Fall Creek and Cascadilla

BAKER ARCH—This morning President Martha Pollack announced that the University will begin immediate construction on an ambitious $100 million gorge which will connect Fall Creek to Cascadilla.

“While I understand that some students may want these millions of dollars to go to our underfunded mental health services or our critical lack of housing,” said President Pollack, “it strikes me as deeply unfair that students who live on North Campus and in Collegetown get to see a beautiful gorge on their walk to campus while those on West have to trudge up the slope every day without a single gorge in sight.”

Becker House resident Keiren Frankson ‘21 was extremely excited about the idea. “I was just talking to my mom about how I never see the gorges because I live on West Campus,” she said while wearing an “Ithaca is Gorges” sweatshirt. “Sure, my roommate was crying earlier because her financial aid got reduced to help fund the new gorge, but the view is gonna be amazing!”

Chief of Police Kathy Zoner also wholeheartedly endorsed the move, stating that the campus would now be “far more easily fortifiable on three out of four sides.”

Campus Construction Worker Hasn’t Seen Family in Eight Years

EAST AVE — Following the hard work on projects such as MVR, Duffield, PSB, Gates, Klarman, Gannett, and now East Avenue construction, it has officially been eight years since campus construction worker Dale Greyson last saw his wife and two sons.

“Every time I think the job is over, Cornell’s got something else for me,” said Greyson as he took off his hard hat, weary from working constantly on every construction project in recent memory.

“They’ve kept me here for almost a decade now, just kept extending the damn contract we drew up in 2008. My little boys are all grown up and about to graduate high school. I… I just want to go home.”

The Cornell Planning office has promised Greyson and other manual laborers who have not been home since the mid-2000’s they will get time off soon, likely for the few days after the Upson Hall renovation is finished in late 2017 before starting the Hollister Hall renovation.

Hungover Garrett Regrets 2 AM Impulse Purchase of New Academic Building

DAY HALL – After a night of intense partying, President Elizabeth Garrett woke up this morning with both a massive hangover and immense regret from drunkenly ordering a new academic building to be constructed on campus.

“I don’t even remember buying a new building, but I got an email confirmation that I did at 2:30AM last night” admitted Garrett, who had apparently gone on to Amazon.com after stumbling home shit-faced from Level B and decided to shop for $40 million halls for sale by users.

A statement released by the Office of the President acknowledges the mistake, yet reminds the community that the building in question has tremendous ratings, and the immense cost was offset by Garrett’s $50 gift card.

“I haven’t really thought about what I’m going to name the new building yet. Bacardi Hall, maybe?” said Garrett, while fondly remembering the night before. “I guess the students will just have to deal with more construction and raised tuition until I get my drinking problem under control.”

Construction for the new academic building is expected to be completed in Spring 2018, leaving Garrett sadly wishing she had at least chosen two-day shipping.

Injured Gannett Construction Workers to Receive Treatment by Summer 2017

GANNETT HEALTH CENTER – Following the news that multiple construction workers had sustained injuries on the site of the new health center, Cornell University Health Services announced today that they estimate the injured workers will be able to receive full treatment at Gannett by the summer of 2017.

“I got a pretty bad scrape on my right arm last week, it might be broken, but we can’t really be received at Gannett before we finish building it” said worker Ben Kipp, who will have to wait another two years until his project is done before he can finally see a doctor.

“My buddy Johnny [Tyrell] might have broken a toe last week, but he’s in charge of building the x-ray office, so he’s his own worst enemy at this point. The sign says we’ll be done by Summer 2017, and I hope we reach that goal, because a lot of us here need medical attention.”

Following the Gannett announcement, university officials overseeing construction went on to announce that, until construction on Klarman Hall is completed, no construction worker should even bother with the thought of majoring in the humanities.

University Set to Offer “History of Campus Construction” in the Spring

MILSTEIN HALL- In a statement released last Tuesday, the Architecture and History departments announced that they are coming together to offer a new class this spring titled “History of Campus Construction.”

“We wanted to offer a class that was unique to Cornell, and we felt that this class truly exemplifies the mission of our slowly crumbling campus,” stated Dr. Mark Cruvellier, department chair of Architecture and construction enthusiast, while studying Cornell’s 2015 renovation plans.

“Every year since Cornell has been founded there has been ongoing construction. There’s just so much to learn!”

“Campus construction has always fascinated me,” said junior Nina Barnes. “I can’t wait to come back in twenty years and see what buildings I can no longer recognize.”

The course will include analyses of the best alternate routes to take to avoid construction zones and will conclude with a field trip to view the site of Klarman Hall from across the street.