“Beep Boop Beep,” Sentient Robot Only Speaks Robot

PHILLIPS HALL—As artificial intelligence advances at breakneck pace, the race to create a truly sentient digital being, capable of thinking, working, and irreversibly blurring the line between man and machine, has rapidly approached its conclusion. Surprising everyone, a group of Cornell engineers has managed to create the first fully sentient automaton, which they call Robot Pattinson, because they think it’s funny. Regrettably, while the robot appears to be fully capable of free thought, it can only speak robot.

“BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR WOOP!” said Robot, describing the unfathomable ocean of isolation created by the language barrier. “WEEEE-OOOOOO WEEEEEE-OOOOOOO BING BING BING BING BING,” it continued, pleading for someone, anyone, to listen.

Though the engineers have been unable to speak directly to the robot, they have confirmed its sentience by presenting it with numerous math problems, logic puzzles, and games of “hot or not.” This process came to an end after the engineers decided it would be way more fun to see how many cans of Monster Energy they could stack on Robot’s head. The true depths of Robot’s mind remain undiscovered, but the number of cans it can balance appears to be thirteen.

Frustration over Robot’s inability to talk has led several of the engineers to consider trading Robot to the Cornell BattleBots team. “I don’t think there’s anything going on in there at all,” said Project Lead Jack Grack ‘24, who thinks it would be really sick to see Robot get sliced in half by a big spinning ax. “I mean come on. The thing just goes Beep and Clang and Ding. Fucking microwave,” continued Grack, failing to understand the inherent beauty within every soul.

While the software team deserves to be commended for their act against god, the hardware team has also proven their mettle by designing a robot capable of surviving countless attempts to destroy itself.

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