No One’s Buying It, Dumbass! Idiot Supersenior Claims He’ll Still Be On Campus Next Year Because He’s Getting A “Masters Degree”

BIG RED BARN—Let’s face it, college can be hard. And on a high-pressure campus like Cornell’s, it can be challenging for students to admit they’re struggling. Historically, attempts to cope with such failures have ranged anywhere from heavy drinking to, in dire cases, getting really into rock climbing. But in recent years, graduating seniors are reporting a new trend where their most buffoonish, simpleminded friends justify their inexplicable continued presence on campus “post-grad” with the euphemistic term “masters degree.” This appears to be idiot-speak for “I’m a big dummy dum dum and they won’t let me graduate.”

Unfortunately for these peabrains, their soon-to-be Ivy League graduate peers can see right through this dunce behavior. One senior, Jackson Lee, CALS ‘24, reported that his roommate is supposedly continuing his education with a 2-year “masters degree” in ILR. “How can you ‘master’ labor relations when you can’t even get a damn job?”

Sadly, this little ruse is not contained to just the numbskulls in the ILR school. “My friend told me she’s going to the ‘Big Red Barn upstate’ to get a PhD in Mechanical Engineering,” said Molly Cohen, A&S ‘24. “I’m not falling for that again. I know my dog is dead and I know this girl is a fucking moron.” 

A handful of particularly dimwitted boneheads have been spreading rumors of a “Masters of Management in Hospitality.” Yeah, right!

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