Author Archives: Nooz Staff

Parents Who Said College Would Be “The Best Four Years of Your Life” Conveniently Quiet Now

Los Angeles—After a completely dry semester spent playing Among Us and aimlessly staring at the ceiling of his dorm lounge, Trent Jackson ’24 began listing the names of the lying adults who told him college would be “the best four years” of his life.  “My dad used to tell me Read More

Cornell Republicans Unfairly Victimized On Basis Of Their Actions

ITHACA—After a scandal caused almost entirely by their own decisions, Cornell Republicans have raised concern that they are being discriminated against simply because of their complete lack of empathy for their classmates. “Race, sexual orientation, gender identity, and so many more things can lead to groups becoming marginalized,” mentioned a Read More

Jewish Student with Final During Hanukkah Develops Anxiety Stomachache That Burned for All Eight Nights

CHARLESTON, SC–This Friday Jacob Weiss ‘22 celebrated his own miracle of Hanukkah after one night of finals provided him with an anxious stomachache that burned for the entire holiday. “Oy gevalt, my head is spinning like a dreidel. My hands are trembling like candlelight in the wind. Every time I Read More

Heroic Student Donated to Save Collegetown’s Restaurants but Has Yet to Venmo Roommate for Brunch

COLLEGETOWN—Generously showing solidarity with small businesses, student Max Eagen ‘21 proudly donated to the latest GoFundMe to save Collegetown’s original restaurants. He also has yet to repay his roommate for brunch.  “At first I just thought he was short on cash, which is totally fine,” said roommate Daniel Nakamura ‘21. Read More

Panicked Student Relieved After Googling “Is Urine Burning A COVID Symptom?”

MORRISTOWN, NJ—An immense feeling of relief washed over Anthony Moses ’23 after his routine trip to the restroom suddenly became the subject of intense research on the symptoms of the COVID-19 virus, in fear that he had contracted the deadly disease after experiencing a burning sensation as he urinated. “It Read More

Disarmed Kathy Zoner Uses Rope & Lasso to Wrangle In Naughty Boys

ARTS QUAD—Following the passage of Student Assembly’s CUPD disarmament resolution, out-of-retirement Police Chief Kathy Zoner was spotted responsibly locking away her firearm before holstering 10 feet of rope and taking to the streets on horseback. “Her stallion was galloping alongside a speeding car on East Ave. She lassoed its tailpipe Read More

Lucifer the Prince of Darkness ‘09 Announced as Keynote Speaker on Topics in Economics

DYSON SCHOOL OF APPLIED ECONOMICS AND MANAGEMENT—On Thursday evening, University President Martha Pollack announced in an email that Cornell alum Lucifer the Prince of Darkness ‘09 will be speaking on topics in economics this semester. “Lucie is a dear friend of mine and of many other members of the Cornell Read More

Only Woman In Comp. Sci. Class Turns Down Fourth Invitation To Play Dungeons and Dragons This Week

RICHMOND, VA—In a devastating blow to the egos of students who watch Big Bang Theory, Alicia Iturbide ‘22, the sole female student in CS 4200,  has denied her fourth invitation to play Dungeons and Dragons this week. “Turning Carl down was kind of a no-brainer, to be honest,” Iturbide said Read More

Student’s Fifteen Spotify Wrapped Screenshots Reveal Favorite Artists as well as Massive God Complex

COLLEGETOWN—As time continues to pass following Spotify’s December 2 release of its individualized 2020 Wrapped feature, many continue to take to social media with their top songs and artists. Among them is self-proclaimed champion of music, Jared Wilson ‘22, who opted to add a whopping fifteen “Year in Review” screenshots Read More