Author Archives: Nooz Staff

Student Uses Extended Break to Rediscover Love of Being Terrible at Hobbies

TAMPA, FL—While most students headed home with heavy hearts upon learning of Cornell’s closure, Riley Clemens ‘21 was reportedly delighted at the prospect of finally having time to reignite her long-dormant passion: being absolutely god-awful at every hobby she attempts.  “Hobbies are a great way to feel creative without any Read More

Student Hellbent on Staying in Ithaca Disappointed to Learn Cornell is a People, Not a Place

LINDEN AVE—Wilke Geoff, ‘20, was devastated upon his realization that his love for Cornell stems from the amazing people that teach, learn, and work there, rather than its physical architecture. Geoff, despite the flight of his roomates, had resolved to “stick it out” in Ithaca, even going as far as Read More

Unemployed but Determined Senior Adds “Seeking Opportunities in Business” to LinkedIn Headline

COLLEGETOWN—Confident that it will give him the edge he needs after an underwhelming and fruitless job search, Dalton Pearce ’20, indicated he is eager to receive any and all job offers by adding “Seeking Opportunities in Business” to his LinkedIn headline. “‘Seeking: Job’ sounds too stiff and formal, and ‘Please, Read More

Extended Spring Break Has Been “Lit,” Says Student Whose Last Conversation Was With Rosie From Animal Crossing

The university’s now 3-week long spring break has been “extremely lit” so far, according to Nate Gomez ‘21, whose lengthiest social interaction all week has been with Rosie, the blue anthropomorphic cat from Animal Crossing: New Horizons. “I was kind of worried that with nothing to do and no one Read More

CU Nooz Presents: 161 Things Every Cornellian Should Do Online

Make your bedroom into your bedroom and have sex in your bedroom Finally read the entirety of a dazzling Denice Cassaro email out of sheer boredom Livestream the Cornell-Harvard Men’s Hockey game and throw fish at your computer screen Irresponsibly take off to NYC for Spring Break and become a Read More

Ivy League Athletes Overjoyed They Can Always Say They “Would’ve Been Good This Season”

FRIEDMAN STRENGTH AND CONDITIONING CENTER—Following the NCAA’s cancellation of spring athletes’ season, Cornell student-athletes were giddy to tell their fans and friends that this year was different, and they would have won it all. “This season was definitely the one. Our coach purchased us these new clubs with carbon fiber Read More

Bitch Mom Telling Daughter to Come Home Because of Global Pandemic

COLLEGETOWN – Amidst growing concerns over COVID-19 and the unrest caused by the current Pandemic, Jessica Springer, ‘22, has reportedly been told to come home by her shrewish, insufferable bitch of a mother.  In the past week, the Cornell community has seen classes indefinitely suspended, events of more than fifty Read More

“Moving to Zoom Will Be Hard, But We’re Prepared For It” Says IFC About New Party Format

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In reaction to the upcoming closure of Cornell’s campus for undergraduates, the Interfraternity Council has released a statement saying that “although there will be disruptions as we make this transition,” they expect to “learn to adjust” as fraternities begin to hold all parties over Zoom. “Obviously, we wish Read More

OP-ED: Am I the Right Person to Educate a Racially Ambiguous Student on Issues of Ethnic Identity?

I was sitting at Terrace yesterday when I overheard a boy with an equivocal ethnic background echoing a number of problematic opinions involving race and class. Unfortunately, in a truly frustrating dilemma, I couldn’t give an unsolicited schooling on intersectionality and ethnicity because his complete lack of distinguishing factors meant Read More