Author Archives: Nooz Staff

Big Gigantic Hoping for Anniversary Chimes Concert in 40 Years

cchimes

BOULDER, COLORADO—In their preparations to perform at Slope Day, Big Gigantic members Dominic Lalli and Jeremy Salken have become freshly motivated by the possibility of their concert being commemorated in forty years by the Cornell Chimes. “Every time I’ve gone through my set over the past few weeks, I’ve been Read More

Cornell Bike Share Offers Students New Opportunity To Screw Up Traffic

Bikes2

TOWER ROAD—Now available for sluggishly pedalling uphill with six cars following behind, Cornell Big Red Bikes offers students a new opportunity to screw up traffic. “Cornell is huge, so it’s a relief to finally be able to bike across campus with no regard for drivers or pedestrians,” said campus bicyclist Read More

OP-ED: Those CornellCon Nerds With Their Fantasy Lands Have Nothing On My 5 Fantasy Sports Teams

fantasy football

I’m only saying it because they’re taking over RPCC for a whole day, but I think it makes sense. Like, what a dumb thing to be so obsessed with—some TV show about superheroes or British people or whatever? And to like all that nerd stuff so much that they have Read More

Geek Life Busted For Underage Thinking

Nerd Series

CARPENTER LIBRARY—After reports of several 19-year-olds becoming hyperconscious at a party this past weekend, dozens of members of the Geek Life community at Cornell were busted for underage thinking. “Cornell police responded to several students acting illegally under the inference of human mortality,” said a representative of the Interfranerdity Council, Read More

University Hearing Board Accused of Reading, Interpreting Campus Code of Conduct

knuth

DAY HALL—Claiming it was a flagrant breach of university bylaws, the Office of the Judicial Administrator accused the University Hearing Board of reading the Campus Code of Conduct on Wednesday, when the Board cleared a student for leaking documents to the Daily Sun. “The actions taken by the UHB to Read More