“GET ON THE GROUND AND BEG LIKE THE DOG YOU ARE!” Most Merciful Chem Professor Grants Extra Credit Opportunity

Cornell’s Chemistry Department was up in arms this past week due to the unprecedented decision of one unusually generous professor to offer her students an extra credit opportunity. 

“We in the Chem Department are committed to the unquenchable desire to watch our students writhe and despair in the hellish academic cesspools that we call classes,” explained department chair Dr. Earl N. Meyer-Flask. “So, when Professor Tess Tube announced that she would be granting her students the opportunity to earn extra-credit, there was understandable pushback.” 

Dr. Tube addressed the traditionalist professors’ concerns, assuring them that her new approach will go above and beyond anything they have ever seen. 

“You have to understand how revolutionary this will be for the Chem Department. First, you ruin their self-esteem through the usual slow, excruciating academic decay. But then, THEN, you finish the job by robbing them of their dignity, too.”

The extra-credit assignment in question was posted for the students four days ago:

“You want extra-credit, you little swine? You don’t even have a choice, do you? You neeeed it. You’d do anything for it, wouldn’t you? Dance for it. Do a little dance, you heard me! And beg. Yes, that’s right, beg like the dogs you are. I know you’ll do it, that’s how pitiful and desperate you are. That’s how far you’ve fallen. Think about that for a moment and just let it sink into your weak, pathetic bones.”

Much to the Chem Department’s dismay, the success-starved students of organic chemistry were overjoyed by the rare opportunity, thanking their kind professor and handing over their last shreds of self-respect in exchange for that extra 0.50%.

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