student with textbook

“All class materials are included in CAMP,” Says Professor About to Make You Pay $75 for Their Textbook “Historiography of Antidisestablishmentarianism in Bovine Bookshelves Across Diasporic Communities”

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Professor James was happy to announce in his class on Friday that “all class materials are included in CAMP.” He was, of course, mere moments away from making each and every student pay $75 for his textbook, Historiography of Antidisestablishmentarianism in Bovine Bookshelves Across Diasporic Communities. His new book, which fills a critical…

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“GET ON THE GROUND AND BEG LIKE THE DOG YOU ARE!” Most Merciful Chem Professor Grants Extra Credit Opportunity

Cornell’s Chemistry Department was up in arms this past week due to the unprecedented decision of one unusually generous professor to offer her students an extra credit opportunity.  “We in the Chem Department are committed to the unquenchable desire to watch our students writhe and despair in the hellish academic cesspools that we call classes,”…

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Academic Adultery? I Swapped Discussion Sections Four Times and Now My Professor is Calling Me a Slut

BAKER LAB–When Elliot Sandleford ‘26 finally settled on his spring semester lineup, he expected his course-related troubles to be over. “I spent weeks rearranging my Scheduler,” said Sandleford. “I had to get it exactly right, where I would have 8:00 AM labs every morning but also somehow no time to eat lunch.” Although the Arts…

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Guy Wearing “This Is What a Cornell Engineer Looks Like” Shirt Definitely Didn’t Need to Clarify

DUFFIELD HALL—Last week, Bruce Reid ‘26, a Cornell mechanical engineering student, proudly sported his “This Is What a Cornell Engineer Looks Like” shirt around campus. However, Reid’s peers claim that they didn’t require his extra clarification to figure out his major. “Oftentimes, images portray an idea better than words,” said Jabari White ‘25, who saw…

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“I like to chill,” Student Gets Vulnerable in Introduction Discussion

Alex Parker ‘27, resident unfeeling alpha-sigma-kappa-delta-epsilon bland male came to face his greatest fear at Cornell-hinting at a morsel of personality-when forced to open up during the first week in an introductory discussion. The haunting assignment guidelines asked to “Share something you did over the summer and what you like to do for fun.”  He…

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Oh The Humanities! Guy in “Bullshit Major” Has Way More Fulfilling Life Than You

WHITE HALL–English Major Richard Jameson ‘24 has been thriving and successful in both his academics and social life, despite having what he and others describe as a “Bullshit Major.”  Biology Major Sammi Reidy ‘24 has expressed dismay at her friend’s overall joy and excessive freetime. “His passion for what he does, and his lively, healthy…

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