Tag Archives: Academics

Well-Intentioned Professor Writes “Happy 4th Day of Chankgukah” On Board

MCGRAW HALL—Attempting to spread the holiday spirit, Professor Robert Jones wrote a greeting on the board before lecture this Wednesday that completely butchered the spelling of Chanukah. “I think Professor Jones remembered only the first and last letters and just filled in the rest by using, like, a random-letter generator Read More

Op-Ed: My Professor Said There Were No Dumb Questions, But Got Mad When I Asked If Women Are People Too

Just yesterday, my professor encouraged us to ask questions and not to feel embarrassed if we didn’t understand something. Yet when I asked later in lecture whether women are, in fact, people, she totally flew off the handle! I was dumbfounded. She completely flipped out, and it was RIGHT after Read More

Generous Professor Lets Students Skip Final if They Have Sex With Him

STATLER HALL—In an attempt to alleviate the stress of finals and let students go home early, Hotel School Professor Mark Devlin has kind-heartedly decided to make the final optional for all students who venture to his house and have sex with him. “I know having back-to-back-to-back finals can be overwhelming Read More

Light Slowly Leaves Professor’s Eyes as He Realizes No One Did The Reading

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL— Enthusiastic Classics professor Jonathan Whistler spent the first four minutes of class prodding his students to analyze the reading before it slowly became apparent that not a single student in the class had even opened the 25-page PDF posted on Blackboard. “Please,” he said softly, though he Read More

Sick Little Pervert Enrolls in Difficult Class to Learn

LYON HALL—On Monday, twisted little shit Taylor Gillis ’21 rounded off his pre-enroll session by signing up for a challenging class for the sole purpose of learning more about the subject matter. By enrolling in MATH 6220 Rimannian Geomentry, fucked-up degenerate Gillis hoped to delve into the complex mathematical material Read More

OP-ED: Let’s Get Rid of the College of Engineering

I loved my time in Cornell’s College of Engineering. It was fundamental toward my growth as a human being and as a career-oriented undergraduate; some of the kindest, most intelligent Cornellians I’ve met have been my peers studying engineering. That said, the whole College of Engineering is despicable, and we Read More

OP-ED: And I Would’ve Gotten Away With It Too If It Weren’t for Those Darn Research Ethics

By Former Professor Brian Wansink After years of being a legendary celebrity in the world of food science research, I was still at the top of my game here at Cornell, basking in the glory of my decades of hard work. Sure, I fudged a few numbers here and there, Read More

In Step Forward, Women Finally Make Up 50% of Engineering Students, 10% of Class Talking Time

CARPENTER HALL—A new report released by the College of Engineering reveals that for the first time since the university’s founding, women comprise 50% of Engineering enrollment and an unprecedented 10% of talking time in class. “It’s incredible, I’m surrounded by women in every class I go to now—and one even Read More

Linear Algebra Professor Spends Unsolicited Monologue Telling Students He Will Not Issue Trigger Warnings

MALOTT HALL—During the first class period Monday, Professor Robert Tolkan informed MATH 2940 students that he will not warn them before discussing any mathematical concept covered in the course. “Consider this your trigger warning,” said Tolkan as he strutted up and down the aisles of the lecture hall, attempting to Read More

Thesis Advisor A Little Too Eager To Meet Before Faculty-Student Relationship Policy Kicks In

KLARMAN HALL—Following the debate over whether to change Cornell policy on graduate student relationships with professors, History professor and thesis advisor Corbin Mantelfield ‘77 appeared to be a little too eager to meet with all of his young advisees regarding their theses. When informed about the proposed policy changes, Mantelfield’s Read More