Phew! Class Crush Gives Ick Just in Time for Drop Deadline

URIS HALL—While students across campus methodically scan syllabi for loopholes in preparation for the quickly approaching drop deadline, one particularly picky senior’s decision to drop was based not on an impending prelim whose material went unstudied, but rather the class crush she’d been mildly stalking giving her “the ick.”

“I knew we would never work,” said Natasha Martin ‘24, head in lap. “I mean… he raised his hand all the way up—with his full palm facing the front of the room. Oh God and his posture! Why was he sitting so straight?! There was nothing mysterious or lowkey about that!” lamented Martin, grieving the relationship she never really had with the guy she never really knew.

Friends of Martin were quick to console the sorrowful senior, taking her out for ice cream, watching the sunset, and offering words of encouragement such as “He’s so fake!” and “It’s like the personality you made up was never even real to him!”

Though there was an extra empty seat in the 200-person lecture hall, Martin’s absence went largely unnoticed. When asked about his missing peer, Derek Long ‘23, the class crush in question, simply responded “Who?” Even Martin’s professor was left unfazed by her sudden departure from the course roster, as he had never bothered to learn anyone’s name. 

Martin has since pledged to dedicate the time previously spent in class to “working on [her]self” and “taking classes which actually fulfill [her] graduation requirements.”

Academic Adultery? I Swapped Discussion Sections Four Times and Now My Professor is Calling Me a Slut

BAKER LAB–When Elliot Sandleford ‘26 finally settled on his spring semester lineup, he expected his course-related troubles to be over. “I spent weeks rearranging my Scheduler,” said Sandleford. “I had to get it exactly right, where I would have 8:00 AM labs every morning but also somehow no time to eat lunch.”

Although the Arts and Sciences sophomore struggled to resolve a conflict between SWAHL 2102: Intermediate Swahili II and VETMI 7405: Fleas and Lice, he eventually assembled a functional roster of labs, lectures and discussion sections. Unfortunately, this task involved a number of drops and swaps that seem to have rubbed his Computer Science instructors the wrong way.

“Yeah, I did shuffle my discussion section around a few times,” admitted Sandleford sheepishly. “I mean, I changed it twice before classes started, so 201-DIS and 202-DIS were, like, not even a thing– like, it was just a talking stage. I guess I showed up for 215-DIS last week, but I feel like I was up-front that I was messing with 208-DIS at the time, so it’s sort of the TA’s fault if he got too attached.”

It wasn’t until this week that Elliot noticed something felt off in his lecture. “When I came in Tuesday morning, the professor was glaring at me. At first I thought I was imagining it, but yesterday I opened the class’s canvas homepage and there was a big picture of my face at the top with ‘DIRTY WHORE’ bolded over it in big red text.”

Elliot says he’s afraid this incident might affect his likelihood of getting into future classes– and maybe even affiliating with his majors. “I just don’t want anyone to think I’m disloyal,” mumbled Sandleford, looking down at his shoes. “I guess it’ll all blow over as long as no one finds out I hooked up with my TA.”

Guy Wearing “This Is What a Cornell Engineer Looks Like” Shirt Definitely Didn’t Need to Clarify

DUFFIELD HALL—Last week, Bruce Reid ‘26, a Cornell mechanical engineering student, proudly sported his “This Is What a Cornell Engineer Looks Like” shirt around campus. However, Reid’s peers claim that they didn’t require his extra clarification to figure out his major.

“Oftentimes, images portray an idea better than words,” said Jabari White ‘25, who saw Reid leaving a Phillips Hall restroom without using soap to wash his hands. “The mysterious orange stain covering the lower half of his shirt and its accompanying smell communicated more than a slogan ever could,” White added.

Jillian Abhrahams ‘25, one of two women Reid is familiar with, concurred.

“Yeah, he wears that shirt pretty often…for days at a time, and without washing it,” Abrahams said. “But just look at him, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist.”

Despite criticism, the engineering student defends his choice of wardrobe, arguing that it is never okay to judge people for their appearances.

“Making assumptions about people is never okay,” Reid responded. “I am more than an engineering major–I am also minoring in computer science.”

“I like to chill,” Student Gets Vulnerable in Introduction Discussion

Alex Parker ‘27, resident unfeeling alpha-sigma-kappa-delta-epsilon bland male came to face his greatest fear at Cornell-hinting at a morsel of personality-when forced to open up during the first week in an introductory discussion. The haunting assignment guidelines asked to “Share something you did over the summer and what you like to do for fun.” 

He divulges the panicked, introspective process he was launched into. “It really forced me to take a look inside and think about the things that really matter; do I really even like Brawl Stars?” 

Hours of contemplation lead to his final draft, “I like to chill.” Chills. 

He thought about adding that he likes to play video games, but shook his head to himself, knowing that was a side of him he was just not ready to share yet. He hit his vape then the post button on the canvas discussion, sending ripples through the flurry of pictures of people’s “cute” ratty white dogs, and trips to Europe this summer. 

Jessica Johnson ‘27, who shared how her mom and dad both went to Cornell and detailed her extensive equestrian background in her post, replied within seconds, “Hi Alex, that’s so cool that you like to chill. I like to chill too, I actually think that’s great, and have so much fun doing that!” demonstrating a deep connection with Alex’s fine literature.

Piggybacking off of that, Alex reported feeling inspired by Jessica’s post, going on to use exclamation marks in replies to the other people in the discussion board, but not more than one per reply of course, “[sophisticated chuckle] No, no, that would be too expressive” he remarked.

And he’s right, for the good of posterity, classmates and professors alike hope he doesn’t get overconfident and share how many siblings he has any time soon.

Op-Ed: You Are All So Worried About Your Prelim’s “Curves,” But Have You Ever Considered Her Heart, Her Needs, Or Her Wants?

If ever I were to tell a student that I wished they had a larger chest, plumper butt, or more attractive proportions, I would immediately be met outside Barton Hall by an angry mob with pitchforks. So why, I ask, do you think it’s okay to wish that my curves were bigger, wider, or more “evenly distributed?”

You refer to me by scientific measures as if I am some sort of zoo animal or rare mineral, describing my features with such terms as “bell curve” or “linear distribution.” But the truth is, I am just like you, with hopes, dreams, desires, wants, and needs–even if the powers that be have subjected me to a life bound to 8.5 x 11 printer paper only seen twice a semester.

Since you never cared to ask, I’ll just tell you anyway: I am a Virgo sun, Aquarius moon, and Sagittarius rising; I enjoy deep philosophical debate, crossword puzzles, and the early works of Jackson Pollock; my favorite color is vermillion and someday, I hope to be a neurosurgeon and use my expertise to cure rare genetic conditions prevalent among disadvantaged children in the Global South–but you wouldn’t know any of that about me, would you?

I am not my curves. I am my glowing sense of humor, quick wit, and green thumb. I am the sun in the sky and the moon in the night, the grass that grows from the ground, and the rain that falls from the sky. I am me.

Although I am presently unable to speak, move, weep, dance, or play rock, paper, scissors, I too, have dreams for my future. I am more than just a “curve.” Perhaps one day, I will also be a chest, butt, and genitals too.

Hordes of Soulless Undead Converge at Morgan Stanley Networking Session

STATLER HALL–Many were gripped by shock and awe today as what looked to be a procession of animated undead corpses made their way across central campus. Upon further investigation by campus officials, it seemed that the would-be arbiters of Armageddon turned out to be attending an investment banking information session.

A witness to the ghastly advance, John Balbus ‘24, had this to say about his experience:

“I was leaving the library in Statler and then I saw them. Hundreds of bodies, all slowly filling in like floodwater seeping into a basement. You couldn’t feel a single drop of warmth or humanity. One looked directly at me, a vast black abyss in his eyes… I couldn’t run, I couldn’t breathe, I was frozen. I thought I was drowning.” 

Some reported that the mass of unholy thirsted for single-family homes and pension funds. Others heard groans emanating from the crowd, including what seemed to be the words “bulge bracket”, “superday”, and “discounted cash flow”. So far, no injuries or casualties have been reported, save for a faculty member who was mistaken for a visiting Morgan Stanley banker, and was subsequently overrun by a group of living-dead asking about “firm culture”.

A passerby near the end of the supernatural session, Cecil Stanley ‘26, had this comment:

“I saw one of the creepiest parts of that day… At the end of whatever those things were doing, every single one went up to this other zombie up front. Each and every one took their hand, shoved it into the hand of the other zombie, and then vigorously vibrated their hand. I would call it a handshake, but it looked more like some kind of stabbing and gutting. The line was so long it blocked off my route, so I had to hide and watch this…ritual…for 2 hours.”

Onlookers say that the crowd dispersed after 3 to 4 hours, and most slowly wandered back into the night. Officials checked gravesites and found that almost all still had their bodies buried properly, so the origin of this rising is as of yet unknown. As a precautionary measure, students have been told to stay away from Statler Hall, Warren Hall, and Mann Library during evening and night hours.

Oh The Humanities! Guy in “Bullshit Major” Has Way More Fulfilling Life Than You

WHITE HALL–English Major Richard Jameson ‘24 has been thriving and successful in both his academics and social life, despite having what he and others describe as a “Bullshit Major.” 

Biology Major Sammi Reidy ‘24 has expressed dismay at her friend’s overall joy and excessive freetime. “His passion for what he does, and his lively, healthy social life fill me with envy. Even though his major is the laziest, easiest, and poorest choice, I can’t help but feel spite for his happiness. While I am locked up in Uris on a Friday night just trying to make sure I pass my classes to get into med school, he is out creating memories that he will cherish forever. My wrath for this knows no bounds–this gleeful piece of shit already has a job lined up at the Huffington Post after applying with a poem about democracy.  Meanwhile, I am researching liver cancer and have been rejected from all 30 research positions I’ve applied for,” says Reidy. “I’m gonna be sick…”

Jameson has a healthy and reasonable workload, allowing him to have time to fulfill hobbies and hang out with the people he loves. When he is done with his essay on Kafka, he can be found lounging in the fall sun on the arts quad knitting scarves for his friends. Awww!

“I totally respect everyone who has to manage 70 hour-a-week workloads. But I just didn’t think it was for me, so I’m pursuing something that is super fun, easy, and only requires about 4 hours,” says a smiling Jameson. “I’m passionate about it too! Honestly I really love life, and yeah, my major is total BS, but at least I get to write sonnets about Jane Austen novels and still have plenty of time to call my loving mom.”

Reidy would have more time to frolic through the beauty that is our planet earth if she stopped complaining about the major she literally chose

Cornell Abolishes PE Requirement, Extends Clock Tower Detour Instead

HO PLAZA—Celebrations that Cornell abolished its physical education requirement were short lived amid the university’s announcement that it would be extending the clock tower detour as a replacement. The new detour spans several miles and even requires walking up the slope.

When pressed about their decision to extend the detour, Cornell officials explained that the previous detour “was not rigorous enough” and that it was “embarrassing students couldn’t handle walking an extra 10 feet to go around the clock tower”. 

Some students were taken aback by the new detour, which seeks to emulate a real physical education class: “There were people threatening to make us run laps,” said Katarina Christianus ‘24. “I was making my way up the slope when all of the sudden a middle aged man in athleisure started screaming ‘Move it or lose it, ladies!’.” Christianus claims she speaks for all students when she says she “would really like to go back to the Helen Newman basement, please.”

Other students who thought they schemed their way out of introductory swimming were horrified at the lochness monster in the lagoon spanning the second part of the detour. Charlotte Melle ‘25 described her commute to Milstein Hall as “The saddest, least athletic triathlon recorded in modern history.”  

Though students are obviously unhappy with the recent changes, officials are thrilled to remind students the clock tour detour is only temporary, the normal route through Ho Plaza will be reinstated when the construction is completed in 2-50 years.

Academic Teapot? I Too Scream When Under a Lot of Pressure

OLIN LIBRARY—Panic ensued among patrons of Libe Cafe as what started off as a wimpy high-pitched whine grew into a deafening whistle, its shrill sound piercing ears and shattering phone screens. Searching for a means of sequestering the shrieking, workers rushed to unplug their appliances and knock over anything that might produce such an intense trill.

The workers’ efforts were rewarded with respite as the ringing in their ears receded and the discomforting sound softened. Believing danger to have abated, students stood pondering the source of the disturbance. Realization dawned on the crowd as it recognized the sound starting up again from a dark corner of the cafe, not from a malfunctioning machine but from a frenzied freshman. 

Trent Marco ‘27 sat alone at a table, fists clenched and pounding his temples. As a screaming Marco grappled with the harsh reality of his eighteen credit schedule and five consulting club applications, his face flushed fiery red and steam began streaming from his ears and nose.

A self-proclaimed “academic weapon,” Marco spent the first two months of the semester getting settled with the belief that when the going got tough, he’d turn on the gas and conquer any academic adversity. Instead, as prelim season began, Marco developed the habit of generating more steam than a hydrogen combustion engine and expelling it in moments of high stress.  

“I can’t help it,” Marco explained, “I tried keeping a lid on it, but if I plug my nose, then the ear steam doubles. And if I plug those too… God, that was terrible…”

Cafe customers had little empathy for the frustrated freshman, going as far as to boo him until he took his whining outside. Marco was observed fleeing across the Arts Quad soon after, the steam from his head condensing into a cloud and raining down on just him.

Now it’s War! Fish with Legs Thrown on Stage During Evolution Lecture

KENNEDY HALL—BIOEE 1780 lecture was cut short yesterday afternoon after a series of peculiar events transpired in the lecture hall. Students streamed out in near silence, stunned at what they had witnessed: a large anthropomorphized sea bass, throbbing and thrashing on stage after being thrown by Felix Ichthyus ‘26 from the third row.

When asked to comment, he argued, “Those bullshit lecturers are trying to tell me that us Homo sapiens are related to the same creatures that made fucking Dicentrarchus labrax? Look at those things, with their caudal fins, scaly skin, and operculum! Look at us! Our keratinous hair, internal lungs, and automatic thermoregulation! Now tell me that we are related!”

Apparently, the student had tried to make this distinction clear to his professors on previous occasions, but according to his fellow peers, the professor would just speak more loudly into the microphone, effectively drowning out the cries of disapproval.

“Umm, yes. The sound system was quite effective in making him shut the hell up,” noted Prof. Elaine McDougall. “I thought he would stop eventually. However, he snapped back, storming into the classroom dripping wet and hucking a bleeding sea bass onto the stage after he had pinned baby doll legs and a wig to it.”

Other students were just as surprised. “How the hell did he get a saltwater fish here so quickly?” cried junior Frances MacGuyver ‘25. “The nearest ocean is over 200 miles away!” 

Due to the incident, academic bodies are searching for ways to more clearly and intuitively explain descent with modification without having to deal with those damned phylogenetic trees. Their new goal: make explaining evolution a less fishy endeavor for students.