Tag Archives: Academics

In Step Forward, Women Finally Make Up 50% of Engineering Students, 10% of Class Talking Time

CARPENTER HALL—A new report released by the College of Engineering reveals that for the first time since the university’s founding, women comprise 50% of Engineering enrollment and an unprecedented 10% of talking time in class. “It’s incredible, I’m surrounded by women in every class I go to now—and one even Read More

Linear Algebra Professor Spends Unsolicited Monologue Telling Students He Will Not Issue Trigger Warnings

MALOTT HALL—During the first class period Monday, Professor Robert Tolkan informed MATH 2940 students that he will not warn them before discussing any mathematical concept covered in the course. “Consider this your trigger warning,” said Tolkan as he strutted up and down the aisles of the lecture hall, attempting to Read More

Thesis Advisor A Little Too Eager To Meet Before Faculty-Student Relationship Policy Kicks In

KLARMAN HALL—Following the debate over whether to change Cornell policy on graduate student relationships with professors, History professor and thesis advisor Corbin Mantelfield ‘77 appeared to be a little too eager to meet with all of his young advisees regarding their theses. When informed about the proposed policy changes, Mantelfield’s Read More

Student Badly Misjudges Discomfort of Doing Homework Under a Tree

ARTS QUAD—Jumping at the chance to enjoy warm weather in Ithaca, sophomore Ilka Piebald’s excitement quickly turned to dismay after realizing that doing homework outside under a tree actually kinda sucks. “Within two minutes, she was squirming from the discomfort of the oak’s prickly bark against her supple back,” commented Read More

YouTube AutoPlay Function Bests yet Another Veteran Computer Science Professor

CARPENTER HALL—A CS 3410 lecture came to a screeching halt Tuesday morning in the most recent case of YouTube AutoPlay catching a world-renowned professor off guard. Seconds after showing his class a YouTube video on multicore system architectures, Professor David M. Tronkowski, a 72-year-old Stanford Ph.D. and veteran computer scientist, Read More

Tech Illiterate Professor Can’t Figure Out How To Work The Chalkboard

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Although English professor Marjorine Williamson is routinely celebrated for being the oldest and most published in her department, this bitch is still having trouble getting the chalkboard to work. “I mean she’s clearly brilliant,” said Lyle Glagadeen ‘19, “but this bitch can’t even hold chalk properly and she Read More

Student Praised by Relatives at Thanksgiving Secretly Failing Class

BINGHAMTON, NY— This Thanksgiving break, Gwen Swanson ’20 basked in praise from relatives gathered together for Thanksgiving, trying to ignore the fact that she is failing CS 1110: Introduction to Computing Using Python. “Our little Gwenny is always so brilliant and hardworking and a true renaissance woman,” said Swanson’s great-aunt Read More

Avant-garde Hotelie Unveils Establishment Dinner Theme “Spheres and Cubes”

STATLER HOTEL—School of Hotel Administration student Michael Lowett ‘18 took over this week’s Establishment dinner with an experimental and unorthodox meal solely comprised of small geometric patterns. Lowett described his menu as “a piece that captures the duality of life and religion,” but when customers showed up for the event, Read More

Undergrad TA Actually Helps A Student

PHYSICAL SCIENCES BUILDING—After having spent three months last year studying Intro Physics and receiving a B in the class, Undergraduate TA Chet Fairweather ’19 demonstrated his physics expertise by actually helping a student. “I normally send people with questions directly to the more experienced grad TAs or the professor, and Read More