Stickless Big Round Puck Hockey Team Wins Match

BARTELS RINK—Enthusiastic and slightly confused Cornell sports fans packed the stands this past weekend at what some called “the strangest hockey game ever.”

“I’d never seen anything like it,” shared Connel McMillen ‘25. “The ice rink was rectangular and the players didn’t have hockey sticks. The puck was round and orange and they sort of bounced it around the rink? The biggest difference though was probably that this hockey team won their game! Super exciting changes!”

The coach of Cornell’s alternative hockey team shared that he had never seen such a turnout for a game but is thrilled that the student body is starting to take notice of other talented groups on campus besides Cornell’s ice hockey team.

“To be honest, I didn’t realize that Cornell had other hockey teams. But after this weekend’s game, I have really gotten into stickless-big-round-puck hockey and even other hockeys like kick-round-puck-with-feet hockey and row-long-boat-fast hockey,” commented Aaron Patil ‘27.

Even Cornell’s regular puck-with-stick-on-ice hockey team showed their support for their stickless, orange puck wielding brothers this past Saturday, with signs that read “Hockey Rules! Basketball Drools!” A heartwarming sentiment, although students were a bit puzzled by the second statement.

Hordes of Soulless Undead Converge at Morgan Stanley Networking Session

STATLER HALL–Many were gripped by shock and awe today as what looked to be a procession of animated undead corpses made their way across central campus. Upon further investigation by campus officials, it seemed that the would-be arbiters of Armageddon turned out to be attending an investment banking information session.

A witness to the ghastly advance, John Balbus ‘24, had this to say about his experience:

“I was leaving the library in Statler and then I saw them. Hundreds of bodies, all slowly filling in like floodwater seeping into a basement. You couldn’t feel a single drop of warmth or humanity. One looked directly at me, a vast black abyss in his eyes… I couldn’t run, I couldn’t breathe, I was frozen. I thought I was drowning.” 

Some reported that the mass of unholy thirsted for single-family homes and pension funds. Others heard groans emanating from the crowd, including what seemed to be the words “bulge bracket”, “superday”, and “discounted cash flow”. So far, no injuries or casualties have been reported, save for a faculty member who was mistaken for a visiting Morgan Stanley banker, and was subsequently overrun by a group of living-dead asking about “firm culture”.

A passerby near the end of the supernatural session, Cecil Stanley ‘26, had this comment:

“I saw one of the creepiest parts of that day… At the end of whatever those things were doing, every single one went up to this other zombie up front. Each and every one took their hand, shoved it into the hand of the other zombie, and then vigorously vibrated their hand. I would call it a handshake, but it looked more like some kind of stabbing and gutting. The line was so long it blocked off my route, so I had to hide and watch this…ritual…for 2 hours.”

Onlookers say that the crowd dispersed after 3 to 4 hours, and most slowly wandered back into the night. Officials checked gravesites and found that almost all still had their bodies buried properly, so the origin of this rising is as of yet unknown. As a precautionary measure, students have been told to stay away from Statler Hall, Warren Hall, and Mann Library during evening and night hours.

Consulting Club Reject Forced To Learn Insider Trading On The Job

NEW YORK, NEW YORK—After four years of undergrad and 27 total rejections from CCC, CCG, CYC, and various other combinations of three letters on a sweater vest, recent AEM graduate Danny Michaelson ‘23 feared that he’d never be able to make it in the business world. However, after a little bit of on-the-job training, Michaelson has found that he can spend other people’s money, use a bluetooth earpiece, and commit fraud as well as anybody.

“It turns out insider trading is, like, super easy!” explained Michaelson. “At first I thought I’d be totally out of my depth, but it turns out that it’s exactly like taking an online prelim. You just go to your friend who already took the test, and ask him for the answers. So for business, you basically just call up your friend, and ask him if his company is gonna go kablooey or not, and then you make your decision before everyone else gets to know. No Sweat!” continued Michaelson, demonstrating his complete mastery over the world of finance.

Since starting his new position, Michaelson has sent 600+ LinkedIn connection requests and consumed 200+ cups of coffee, effectively completing a full three years worth of consulting club experience in just under three months. While some might have been burned out by the sheer level of deals and business that Michaelson is conducting, his drive has remained unaffected.

“I kinda thought that insider trading was suuuper illegal, but the guys let me know that it’s one of those fake illegal things, like jaywalking and cocaine,” said Michaelson. “A lot of my coworkers were in business clubs during college, but my boss says he’s never seen anyone make trades like me. He’s always asking me to sign lots of documents and record myself talking about all the stocks I’m buying.”

“I’m pretty sure he’s putting together a highlight reel for the Executives. I can’t wait to get promoted!”

Freshman Switches Major, Career Path, Name, Religion, and Sexuality After Inspiring Coffee Chat

SAGE ATRIUM—When Walter Pinker ‘27 emerged from his consulting club coffee chat with Isabella Mendez ‘26, he didn’t want to be a Classics major anymore. In fact, he also did not want to be straight, Catholic, white, or Walter, adopting the temporary moniker “WaPi” (wha-pee, something “more exotic”) while he positions himself to be the ultimate corporate diversity admit.

“I booked the Calendly appointment as a joke, you know? So I could live out the rest of my humanities major in peace, comforted by the tragedy of Cornellian souls doomed to perpetual corporate servitude. But then I found out about these diversity programs that fly students across the country to eat steak and make little consulting friends,” commented WaPi. “The Odyssey isn’t flying me across the country. And I like filet mignon.”

When probed further about what moved him to transform nearly his entire identity, WaPi cited Mendez’s success in already securing three separate post-grad job offers as a first semester sophomore, with only slightly delayed start dates of 2031, 2036, and 2048.

“She’s already so successful,” remarked WaPi. “Forget the cinematic dark academia main character I’m-better-than-you lifestyle of reading Virgil under a tree. It’s time to become an indispensable DEI statistic.”

WaPi is now on a crusade to tick all the corporate diversity boxes, hoping to secure himself a slot in one of the industry’s most coveted firms so he can lord it over everyone else. Isabella Mendez declined to comment, sharing only that WaPi made her sign an NDA etched in quill onto the back of The Iliad.

Overachievers? Couple in The Back of Hideaway Already Busy Making Double Legacies

COLLEGETOWN—Saturday night festivities were in full swing last week and while some were busy with unproductive activities such as drinking and drugs, others were making some very public money moves. Power couple Angela Henderson ’25 and Eli Wilson ’24 spent their evening at Hideaway in a dark corner locking lips and grinding with abandon.

 “Some may have signed your lease for next year. Others are on track to graduate a semester early. But you’re not really thinking about your future until you have considered the college prospects of your future children,” explained a smug Angela. “I mean, Cornell could be doing away with legacy admissions every day, so if you’re not actively working towards creating the perfect candidate for admissions, at all times, regardless of who else is watching, you’re a failure.”

Patrons report that when the two were not occupied by heavy petting sessions, Henderson and Wilson were bragging about having it all. 

“So many people say that you can’t party and prepare for your future in college,” declared Wilson. “But by coming here tonight, Angela and I are proving that not only can we do both, we can do it in front of you.” 

Wilson and Henderson are planning to announce baby Ezra’s summer 2042 internship with Goldman Sachs soon.

BREAKING: Buildings Crumble as the Deafening Sound of 22,000 Voices Granted Freedom of Expression Roars Through Ithaca

ITHACA—Thousands of local Ithaca residents have lost their homes in the wake of a seismic disaster following an email from President Martha Pollack, which carelessly granted 22,000 individuals the right to freedom of expression. At 11:04 AM on April 17th, the sound of thousands of voices simultaneously expressing themselves radiated out from Cornell’s campus, razing entire neighborhoods and toppling infrastructure. 

“I was thankfully out of town when the event occurred. I remember, I was visiting my sister in Syracuse and I heard a faint rumbling in the distance. By the time I returned the next day, Ithaca had been completely obliterated. There was just a pile of dust where my house once was,” recalled Maria Bennett, an Ithaca local. “I am appalled by the reckless and irresponsible decision made by the Cornell administration, namely President Pollack.” 

In the eye of the storm, however, Cornell’s campus has been left unscathed. In fact, preoccupied with their newfound freedom of expression, many community members have not yet noticed the absolute devastation in the surrounding areas. 

“After President Pollack sent that email, I’ve been able to say whatever I want, whenever I want! I literally have not stopped talking since I got the email,” exclaimed Alisha Franklin ‘23. 

Other students on campus seemed to share this sentiment. “I’ve been telling everyone I see about every single thought that pops into my head: I had oatmeal for breakfast. I think people who ride scooters are lame. I bet Ryan Lombardi would love a good frolic through a meadow. Nobody can tell me to shut up now! And to think I could never freely express myself before,” excitedly shared Samuel Oh ‘24.

With many local residents condemning President Pollack’s decree as heedless and entirely negligent, it is no surprise that she has made herself unavailable for comment since the occurrence. The last public sighting of Dr. Pollack was during the sonic disaster itself, when she was spotted wearing noise-canceling headphones and watching the chaos unfold from the top of McGraw Tower.

Study: 76% of ILR Students Cite Doreen Cronin’s Seminal Pro-Labor Manifesto “Click, Clack, Moo: Cows That Type” as Strong Political Influence

IVES HALL—New research has confirmed that the vast majority of ILR students were drawn to their major due in part to the political ideology presented in Click, Clack, Moo: Cows That Type, Doreen Cronin’s 2000 commentary on labor relations in the American heartland.

Click, Clack, Moo completely revolutionized my life when I first read it as a four-year-old,” said Janine Calvin ‘24. “I’ve read dozens of studies on unionization and labor policy in the US during my time at Cornell, but none have illustrated the labor movement nearly as well as Cronin did. Actually, I think Betsy Lewin did the illustrations for the story. More academics should try drawing little cows on their papers, I think it could make them a lot more fun and engaging.”

The study indicated that ILR students most resonated with the book’s themes on the necessity for workers to demand basic rights (here, electric blankets to keep the cows warm at night), the power of the collective bargaining process (the herd’s ultimate triumph at winning the blankets after withholding milk), and the struggle inherent to winning concessions from an obdurate ruling class (the resistance provided by Farmer Brown, whom respondents frequently described as a “capitalist shitpig”). Despite this far-reaching support from ILR students, however, other students in other majors were less approving of the story.

“That book is absolute bullshit—and listen, I know a thing or two about bull shit,” said animal science major Derrick Madison ‘23. “First of all, cows can’t fucking type. This is, like, Animal Science 101 over here, I swear we learned that on the first day. And while it’s true that if the cows could communicate in English, they would indeed request electric blankets, I don’t buy for a minute that the ducks would ask for a diving board for their pond. They can fly, they could just dive into the water if they wanted to! God, it’s so fucking stupid. How all those ILR dumbasses can see past these obvious failings is beyond me.”

The study noted that the other 24% of ILR students felt that Farmer Brown acted well within his rights and that the cattle should have been forced to pull themselves up by their hoofstraps or risk being turned into beef.

Fashion Major Stressed The Fuck Out About Zipper Final

MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—With one day left to study, fashion design student Jennifer Suh ‘24 is freaking the hell out over her impending final with a daunting subject: Zippers.

“I don’t know what the fuck I am going to do,” explained an exasperated Suh. “There is so much I have to shove inside my head right now. I can’t remember which goddamn zipper tooth is the beginning of the zipper, fuck…is it right or left? I do know that the zipper was invented by Whitcomb L. Judson and Gideon Sundback, those fucking wet sorry sacks of fuck are the reason I have to know all this horseshit. And oh my god… My final project is such a mess. It won’t even zip! I am going to crap myself.”

The final exam is a culmination of FSAD 4500: Fasteners and Haberdasheries II, a class that focuses on the different items used to clasp together various kinds of clothing. The breadth of the course is wide, including the historical origins and methods of application of: buttons on coats, buttons on pants, large buttons on coats, large buttons on pants, snap buttons on coats, snap buttons on pants, laces on boots, laces on coats, velcro on sneakers, velcro on coats, and of course, zippers on coats, zippers on pants, zippers on shirts, and zippers on bags.

In an act of desperation, Suh has decided to cut out the zipper from her own pants to present as her final project. Unfortunately, and unbeknownst to her, 23 students have received academic integrity violations doing just that, 15 of whom have been expelled.

Brave Conservative Student Loudly Recites Atlas Shrugged Over Gender Studies Lecture, Receives Medal of Honor in His Nightly Wet Dream

JAMESON HALL—In a stunning display of heroic political protest, freshman Jacob McCarthy interrupted a lecture on gender studies last night by standing atop his desk and beginning to recite Atlas Shrugged from memory. For his deeds, McCarthy received a presidential medal of honor from George W. Bush, which he wore with pride until waking up from his deeply unerotic dream.

“I’ve had all of Ayn Rand’s works memorized since the third grade,” McCarthy boasted as he shoved his soiled boxers into a washing machine. “She’s a bit too libertarian for my tastes, but most of what she writes is very good for a woman. Hey, real quick, do you know how to use detergent? This is my first time.”

McCarthy’s roommate, Patrick Hoffman, reported that McCarthy spent the majority of the night mumbling quotes in his sleep as he tossed, turned, and humped his pillow while making obscene noises. “At 4 AM he, like, sat straight up and yelled, ‘Have you ever asked what is the root of money?’” Hoffman recalled with a shudder. “Then he let out the longest, loudest moan I’ve ever heard in my life. It was like The Exorcist, but somehow even less sexy.”

McCarthy, who has never set foot in a gender studies lecture in his life, described the professor as being a disturbing, yet oddly arousing cross between Senator Bernie Sanders and RuPaul. “He was saying all this stuff about how gay and trans people are regular human beings,” he said, “so of course I had to shut that down immediately. Like, I’m all for free speech, but sometimes people just cross the line, you know? Man, the look on his face when I started in on John Galt’s monologue… not gonna lie, it felt exactly like that time I saw two girls making out at a Halloween party. I can’t wait to dream about it again tonight!”

At press time, Hoffman had begun composing his 34th email to the Housing Office, desperately requesting a room change for next semester.

WORLD CUP REPORT: Your Roommate is 1/16th Argentinian, Apparently

WEST CAMPUS—In a shocking turn of events, one student’s milktoast European roommate revealed himself to be “like 1/16th Argentinian” as the World Cup began.

“My great-great-grandfather lived in Argentina, actually!” explained James Brunner ‘24, in blue face paint and a Lionel Messi jersey. “¡Soy Argentino! I love my country, from the beautiful buildings of Buenos Aires to the… beautiful streets of Buenos Aires. The culture of Argentiña runs in my blood, and I’m honestly thrilled to represent my nation’s colors during the World Cup! Vamos Messi!”

Brunner spent the week opining over the storied legacy of the Argentine Men’s National Team. When asked to name his three favorite players in football history, Brunner quickly rattled off the names of Diego Maradona, Leo Messi, and “any other Argentine player.” His friend group has expressed concern over this new identity. 

“He’s never been to Argentina,” claimed Jeff Donner ‘24. “He bought an Ancestry.com test just so he wouldn’t have to root for America’s garbage team this year. In fact, no one knows where he’s from. He claimed to have been born in LA for last year’s Super Bowl, and now all of a sudden he’s a Philadelphian from birth. He’s an international bandwagoner.”

Brunner’s enthusiasm for his newfound ancestry dimmed when he was informed his great-great-grandfather had moved to Buenos Aires from Dresden in 1945.