ITHACA—Thousands of local Ithaca residents have lost their homes in the wake of a seismic disaster following an email from President Martha Pollack, which carelessly granted 22,000 individuals the right to freedom of expression. At 11:04 AM on April 17th, the sound of thousands of voices simultaneously expressing themselves radiated out from Cornell’s campus, razing entire neighborhoods and toppling infrastructure.
“I was thankfully out of town when the event occurred. I remember, I was visiting my sister in Syracuse and I heard a faint rumbling in the distance. By the time I returned the next day, Ithaca had been completely obliterated. There was just a pile of dust where my house once was,” recalled Maria Bennett, an Ithaca local. “I am appalled by the reckless and irresponsible decision made by the Cornell administration, namely President Pollack.”
In the eye of the storm, however, Cornell’s campus has been left unscathed. In fact, preoccupied with their newfound freedom of expression, many community members have not yet noticed the absolute devastation in the surrounding areas.
“After President Pollack sent that email, I’ve been able to say whatever I want, whenever I want! I literally have not stopped talking since I got the email,” exclaimed Alisha Franklin ‘23.
Other students on campus seemed to share this sentiment. “I’ve been telling everyone I see about every single thought that pops into my head: I had oatmeal for breakfast. I think people who ride scooters are lame. I bet Ryan Lombardi would love a good frolic through a meadow. Nobody can tell me to shut up now! And to think I could never freely express myself before,” excitedly shared Samuel Oh ‘24.
With many local residents condemning President Pollack’s decree as heedless and entirely negligent, it is no surprise that she has made herself unavailable for comment since the occurrence. The last public sighting of Dr. Pollack was during the sonic disaster itself, when she was spotted wearing noise-canceling headphones and watching the chaos unfold from the top of McGraw Tower.