Category Archives: student life

Student Returning Home For Thanksgiving Horrified by Unmistakable Signs That Parents Have Managed to Rekindle Long-Dead Sex Life in Their Absence

BLOOMFIELD, NJ — As students flocked to their hometowns in anticipation of Thanksgiving break, freshman Noah Yearwood was met with the horrifying discovery that his father is once again rearranging his mother’s guts.  “Ever since I got home, my dad has been walking into the kitchen whistling every morning. I Read More

CAPS Recommends Students Take a Gap Year In Between Lectures to Improve Mental Health

CORNELL HEALTH—In a surprising display of thoughtfulness from Cornell’s mental health services, CAPS has begun to suggest that overwhelmed students take a year off in between every lecture. “We see so many kids needlessly stressing out about their grades, and the pandemic, and literally everything else,” says counselor Matthew Greene. Read More

“Halloweekend Was A Movie” Says Freshman Who Saw Two Girls Kiss

NORTH CAMPUS—Halloween weekend, typically a staple of Cornell student culture, returned in full force after COVID-19 decimated last year’s celebrations. For many students, this was their first chance to experience a true, in-person Halloween at Cornell. After weeks of building excitement, students were eager for the big weekend to arrive Read More

Heartwarming: A Capella Group Performs Charity Concert for Those Unlucky Enough to Share a Wall With Them

BAILEY HALL—The hills are alive with the sound of music, and so are those who attended the 127th annual charity concert hosted by Before Nine, one of Cornell’s elite a capella groups. As with every year previous, all proceeds raised by the performance will go directly to the pockets of Read More

Econ Student Condescendingly Explains Why We Can’t Just Print More Big Red Bucks

STATLER HOTEL—When a date at Terrace led his girlfriend to ask why administration simply couldn’t increase the number of Big Red Bucks included in meal plans, one Cornell Econ student burst into a histrionic rant that this would surely cause the destruction of the Cornell economy.  “Of course they can’t Read More

OP-ED: My Hand Brushed Against Another Student’s In Okenshields, Should I Get Married Or Contact Traced?

OKENSHIELDS 一 Let me paint you a picture. There I am, alone, in Okenshields on a Tuesday night, preparing for a hearty meal in the line for stir fry and rice. My mind is wholly on food, and I am ravenous. My plan, executed to perfection numerous times hence, is Read More

“He Probably Says That To All The Girls” Sighs Student After Receiving A “Come See Me After Class” Comment On Latest Failed Statistics Homework

MALOTT HALL—Last Thursday, Tiffany Emmanuel ‘24 was disappointed to discover that she received a dismal grade on her latest statistics homework, but was even more upset when she realized that the possibly romantic comment her professor left on her assignment probably also appeared on the papers of the other girls Read More

Mom Just Calling To Let You Know The Neighbors Got A New Patio

ITHACA一 Oren Stephens ‘23 was in the middle of an Organizational Behavior lecture on Monday when he received three rapid calls from his mother, Susan, just letting him know that their neighbors got a new patio.  Stephens was shocked at the consecutive calls and instantly worried that something terrible had Read More

Bricks on Stewart Avenue Eagerly Anticipate New Influx of Cars to Destroy During Homecoming Weekend

STEWART AVE—With the return of generations of Cornell alumni to Ithaca this coming weekend, the roads of Collegetown eagerly anticipate the opportunity to bump, scratch, and totally annihilate vehicles of all shapes and sizes. Particularly excited and primely located is the historic brick road portion of Stewart Avenue. Decades behind Read More

Cornell Advocacy Project and Knitting Group in Vicious Fight to Recruit Freshman Uninterested in Both Clubs

NORTH CAMPUS—After a first few weeks filled with uncertainty and confusion, Cornell clubs have resumed their reassuring annual tradition of merciless combat over freshmen who clearly have no interest in joining those clubs. “Honestly, it’s flattering that they want me to join,” admitted John Bates ‘25. “But I’m just not Read More