Club Celebrating Seniors With New “Thank God They’re Gone” Speech Tradition

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL–In a refreshing bout of honesty, Cornell’s most exclusively selective premier business club, Cornell Opportunity Consulting, celebrated their graduating class with a new tradition: sharing how thankful all the returning members are to never have to see them again.

“Samantha, if it wasn’t for Cornell Opportunity Consulting I would never have had the misfortune of meeting you,” began COC’s president Benjamin Snee ’23, loading up a pretty deck of slides to provide graphic support for his speech. “I can confidently say I dreaded reading every single text you sent me, like, bitch… you need a therapist, not an e-board position. Thank fucking god you’re gone next year. And, your boyfriend sucks.”

Other speakers at the celebration harkened it as a cathartic exercise in self-care.

“For far too long we’ve been forced to make up fake platitudes for our graduating members, as if they were an important part of our time here at Cornell or something,” said Nicole Truly ‘24 through tears of joy. “Like fuck, what am I supposed to say? That I can’t imagine Cornell without them? I totally can! It’d so much better!”

The event brought unique challenges to the speakers unfamiliar with the social norms of letting their true opinions be heard.

“Before, I was worried because I thought I had nothing negative to say about Kevin. He could give me a rec for a job, you know,” said Nicholas Wilhelm Lee ‘24. “But then he opened his ugly ass mouth, and I remembered this is the dude who derails every goddamn meeting with his ‘humor.’ Good riddance.”

The seniors could be found later complaining that they should have hazed the new members.

Success of Redemption Prom Inspires Class Councils to Plan Redemption FitnessGram Pacer Test

BARTELS HALL—The success of the redemption prom last Saturday has inspired Class Councils to host yet another beloved high school experience lost to the pandemic: the FitnessGram Pacer Test. “The Pacer,” a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues, will take place in Newman Arena at 6 AM the morning following Slope Day, as to extend student excitement from watching absolute campus favorite Aminé.

“I’ve been waiting for the day I could go for a personal record of 69,” remarked CoE student Zeke Gregg ‘24. “I tried every year but always finished too early. But now I know I’m like, totally physically ready.” When asked to confirm that his remarks were indeed about running the Pacer, Gregg appeared slightly alarmed. “Of course,” he replied, “what else would I be talking about?”

Members of sports teams also expressed enthusiasm about the upcoming event, eager to showcase their athletic prowess to potential romantic partners.

“Bro I can’t wait to run the Pacer again,” commented the cross country team’s Gabe Hertz ‘24. “Once the endurance-deficient are forced to sit and watch me bound across a room to an endless loop of electronic dance music for an hour and a half, I’ll re-establish my dominance as the best runner in the grade, and then I’ll be able to pull anyone I want.” Hertz then paused and breathed a long, nostalgic sigh. “Just like middle school.”

Unfortunately for those with lofty distance goals, surveys show that most students expect to arrive at the event absolutely obliterated, and will drunkenly plow everyone down before anyone is able to successfully reach lap 3.

PE Self Defense Instructor Breaks Into Students’ Homes to Evaluate Progress

HELEN NEWMAN HALL—Cornell administration has received several complaints from students enrolled in PE1560 Introductory Self Defense after instructor John Ladin broke into their respective homes on Sunday night in an unorthodox final assessment that students describe as a “harrowing ambush executed by a gleeful psychopath.” 

“How am I possibly supposed to evaluate my students’ self-defense capabilities if I’m not allowed to take careful notes on their gravest weaknesses, stalk their homes for potential entry points, memorize their daily schedules, and then pounce when they least expect it?” noted an exasperated Ladin. “Also, this has been in the syllabus all semester so I don’t know why it was a surprise.”

Several students have protested that the class material did not adequately prepare them for some aspects of the attack. “He literally busted down my apartment door, kicked me directly in the face, and yelled, ‘You’ve been John-ed, dumbass!’ None of that was on the study guide,” complained Max Green ‘23. 

“I actually did read the syllabus so I knew this was coming, but it was already past the drop deadline and I’d honestly rather get my shit rocked than take a W on my transcript,” admitted Amy Price ‘24. “I’m really not sure how I did, but I heard one kid just curled up in a fetal position and started crying for his mommy, so I’m hoping it’s graded on a curve” 

In response to complaints from students, VP Ryan Lombardi defended Ladin’s actions, writing, “We take great pride in the rigor of our coursework. Cornell is a world-class institution dedicated to preparing its students for anything life may throw at them, including a 4 am haymaker to the scapula. If these students can handle John’s violent attempt at their physical safety, we’ll know the university is doing its job.” 

OP-ED: Love Triangle? Pentagon? I’m in a Love Dot

MALOTT HALL—Last week, I briefly overheard Stacy and Emily talking about their floundering love lives between bites of food at Trill. Stacy lamented that Liam from her discussion section has a thing for her, even though Stacy is actually crushing on Rachel from that same section, who is also in love with Liam. Tragic! And Emily? Her love life is even more complex, why, she’s in a love pentagon! How does that even work? I don’t know, but she at least has a shape goddamn it. All the while, I couldn’t help but think one thing: what about me? I don’t have a shape.

For far too long, we’ve allowed people who can’t make up their goddamn minds about love to define a cool shape for their relationship problems. But if there is one thing that teen romantic comedies taught me, it would be that by defining your lack of mutual romantic attraction to someone as a geometric structure is the truest testament to a sound mind.

Why be lame and admit that your crush doesn’t like you when you can instead be in a spiffy and spicy love triangle? When your love life is defined by a geometric silhouette, anything is game. Want to read his mail? Go right ahead; you can’t let Natalee win! Need to dye his crush’s hair an awful shade of green? All is fair in love-triangles and war. For this reason, I have come to the brave decision that I will no longer accept the slur “single.” Nay, “single” is for those vanilla bitches. You know the type: ladies who are confident in themselves, have healthy hobbies, and do not need external validation through relationships. You see, I’m mature enough to know that’s not me. All real relationships correspond to shapes that we learned in 9th grade geometry class. Or, in other words, I’m in a love dot.

Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane? Student Pleads with All-Powerful Father Not to Send Him to Company’s Branch in Ohio

MEWS HALL–Much as the Lord’s only son went into the Garden of Gethsemane to ask the Heavenly Father that His life might be spared, so too did Brantley Wentworth ‘25 call upon his own father to spare him an even darker fate—a summer in his company’s Ohio branch.
Although Wentworth had long accepted his role in life–to spend the most functional years of his cocaine addiction falsifying ledgers in order to increase stocks by .03%—as his LinkedIn feed filled with announcements of his classmate’s internships in Silicon Valley, Wentworth found himself filled with doubt for the first time in his smug, entitled life. Just as the Son of God in the Gospel of Matthew lay prostrate in the garden, Wentworth threw himself down among his discarded beer cans and contacted his father the only way he knew how–by calling his secretary’s number.
“Dad, please, if it’s possible to find an opening in California, let this internship in Ohio pass me by,” Wentworth pleaded with the answering machine, trembling with sorrow and synthetic weed withdrawal. “Through You all things are possible–like deforesting the entire Amazon, or getting My three DUIs dismissed. Give Me the keys to the kingdom of heaven, or at least to an apartment outside of the central United States!”
Wentworth’s prayers were answered by a voicemail threatening to cut off his allowance, causing Wentworth to declare, “Not My will, but Yours be done!”

Two Day February “Break” No Match For 72 Hour Drug-Induced Bender

ITHACA—Two days of rest and relaxation were not enough for Joel Robinesson ‘23, who used his February break to embark on a thrilling and debaucherous methamphetamine-fueled bender.
“I’m just feeling great. Really great. Super great. Totally great. You guys can see me right?” said Robinesson late Monday afternoon when he was spotted wandering around campus. “Look at that! That’s Ezra Cornell. He’s coming over. Oh no, he’s coming over? Are you Ezra Cornell? I have to go.”
Robinesson began his high early Sunday afternoon, claiming that he wanted to spend Saturday at Greek Peak and attend Sunday brunch at Taverna Banfi. Citing his great stamina and above-average metabolism, he felt confident in his ability to recover in time to write a paper and study for an exam in the days immediately following February break.
“Joel’s an absolute fiend so if it was just meth he’d be in the clear,” commented Robinesson’s roommate Jackson Villagen ‘22. “I was there when he started smoking up but I left to pick up a FaceTime from my girl. When I came back there were crazy pills all over the table and Joel had taken at least half of them. It was crazy dude.”
At press time, Robinesson was unavailable for comment. However, there have been recent reports of a man fitting Robinesson’s height and build wandering around the nearby town of Lansing.

Housing Department Under Fire For Hasty Response To Ganędagǫ: Mice Despite Complete Silence Concerning Low Rise Seven Vampire Bats

LOW RISE SEVEN—The University Housing Department faced criticism this past week for their rapid action regarding rodents in Ganędagǫ: Hall as they continued to ignore the rampant infestation of bloodsucking vampire bats throughout Low Rise 7. The host of flighted mammals have reportedly occupied the dilapidated residence hall for several months without any university intervention.

“It’s getting pretty hairy over here,” explained Low Rise 7 resident Martin Beale ‘25, wielding a broomstick to defend himself from the dorm’s winged invaders. “I’ve tried filing maintenance requests, but I can’t even find ‘Low Rise 7’ in the list of serviceable regions. So for now we have to adapt, just like with the dorm’s other quirks; I take hair out of the shower drain with a tiny rake, I leave my door shut to keep in heat, and I wear a motorcycle helmet to sleep so that the bats don’t bite me in the face.”

The university has been quick to address issues in other dorms, but remains negligent to their unwanted middle child of a residence hall. While a quick and thorough statement was made regarding the string of arsons last semester, no comment was made a week earlier when a mad scientist attempted to turn all of the Low Rise 7 residents into duck-people.

“Actually, the bats are fine,” stated a noticeably paler Beale, wrapped in a large red cloak. “The real issue on campus is the garlic bread. It’s everywhere, and it’s vile. Forget about the bats, no really, forget them, and get rid of that damnable garlic abomination.”

At press time, all of the shades in Low Rise 7 had been drawn, and a host of residents were seen outside of Low Rise 6 asking for permission to enter the premises.

Women’s Hockey Team Members Send Congratulations From Beijing Olympics as Men’s Hockey Team Wins First Game in 3 Weeks

BEIJING—Following the Men’s Hockey Team’s first win on Saturday in the past six games, the Women’s Hockey Team was quick to send their congratulations all the way from the Beijing Winter Olympics.

“It’s so heartwarming to see Cornell’s premier athletic team make a comeback like this,” said three-time Olympic gold-medalist and former Cornell Women’s team captain Caroline Jessup ‘15. “I even skipped the medal ceremony to come back to Ithaca and congratulate the boys myself. What’s one more medal, right?”

Cornell hockey fans from all over were quick to show their excitement for the Men’s team demolishing Union College this past weekend, despite the Women’s team also demolishing Union College this past weekend and having performed similarly well to the Men’s team this season with little to no recognition.

“I’ve always been a sucker for a good underdog story,” said Alyssa Hart ‘22, two-time Olympian and ECAC champion. “It gives me hope that one day they too will make it to the Olympics.”

As of press time, the price of Men’s Hockey tickets quadrupled while the price of Women’s Hockey tickets decreased to $0.

Shocking! White Guy Wearing A “This Is What An Engineer Looks Like” Shirt Isn’t Technically Doing Anything Wrong

Last Monday, Jackson Carter ‘25 surprised his introductory Physics zoom lecture with an inspiring new T-shirt choice: one of the “This Is What An Engineer Looks Like” shirts given out by the College of Engineering.

“At first, I wondered why this idiot had his camera on in a 300 person lecture,” classmate Samantha O’Neill ‘25 remembered, “but then I noticed his shirt and realized, ‘Oh this guy is just an asshole.’ So you can imagine my shock when I later learned that they don’t exclusively give out those shirts to white guys who take fifteen seconds to decide whether or not to hold the door to Duffield open for you even though you’re only walking one pace behind them and now there’s a whole line of people waiting to get inside while he internally praises himself for being both a Gentleman™ and a Feminist™.”

During Monday’s zoom lecture, Carter made an effort to sit chest first in front of his camera in an effort to show off that he was, in fact, an engineer and looked like one. Carter also often unmuted to incorrectly correct the professor’s math and, during breakout rooms, personally invited each one of his peers to turn their cameras on too.

“I just think it’s my job, as a Caucasian male, to provide an inclusive environment for my less advantageous peers to speak out and release their burden,” Carter explained. “After all, if I don’t personally talk to all the women in my class, do I truly have the right to bear the insignia of the Cornell engineer in this manner? Do I disrespect the name and honor of my school if I don’t speak up for the masses about the mathematical misinformation being spread by the establishment? Must I be the one emblem of equality in an unfair world?”

By Wednesday’s class, Carter had already dropped the course and become a business major, claiming a desire to “take on a new challenge where I can touch more people’s lives” and shrugging off allegations that a horrendous GPA was to blame.

Neil Young Spotify Removal Devastates Population of Male Philosophy Students Who Can’t Get It Up Without a Whispery Old Man Voice on Their Sex Playlists

ITHACA CAMPUS—In an event tantamount to the burning of the Library of Alexandria, Spotify’s sudden removal of Neil Young’s discography has annihilated the sex playlists of men across the philosophy department.

“Without Neil Young, I might as well give up sex,” complained Dorian Lancaster ‘23 between drags of his cigarette. “Sure, women are great, but nothing will ever give me the sexual supercharge of hearing his simultaneously raspy and wet voice, like a naked man belly crawling through damp grass or an old woman sucking sand through a straw. I tried listening to recordings of my grandpa on his deathbed, but he kept talking about shit like being ‘proud of me’ instead of incisive commentary on American consumerism. What a waste.”

With no end to the Spotify stalemate in sight, the students have been forced to find other ways to announce to the world that they have deeply boring daddy issues, such as wearing band t-shirts, not shampooing their shoulder-length hair, and insisting that vinyl sounds “so much warmer.”

“Without basing my personality entirely around the sense of superiority that comes from getting a rock hard boner from a vocal style best described as ‘clammy,’ I don’t know what to do with myself,” complained Lancaster. “My dad and I had a conversation that wasn’t about music for the first time in years, and it turns out we have nothing in common! If I can’t offload my feelings onto a vaguely sad four-chord guitar song right now, I might have to genuinely process my emotions about this.”

In response to suggestions that they purchase Neil Young’s discography, thus monetarily supporting the artist for the first time in their lives, the philosophy majors were seen begrudgingly adding “Blowin’ in the Wind” to their playlists instead.