COLLEGETOWN—Saturday night festivities were in full swing last week and while some were busy with unproductive activities such as drinking and drugs, others were making some very public money moves. Power couple Angela Henderson ’25 and Eli Wilson ’24 spent their evening at Hideaway in a dark corner locking lips and grinding with abandon.
“Some may have signed your lease for next year. Others are on track to graduate a semester early. But you’re not really thinking about your future until you have considered the college prospects of your future children,” explained a smug Angela. “I mean, Cornell could be doing away with legacy admissions every day, so if you’re not actively working towards creating the perfect candidate for admissions, at all times, regardless of who else is watching, you’re a failure.”
Patrons report that when the two were not occupied by heavy petting sessions, Henderson and Wilson were bragging about having it all.
“So many people say that you can’t party and prepare for your future in college,” declared Wilson. “But by coming here tonight, Angela and I are proving that not only can we do both, we can do it in front of you.”
Wilson and Henderson are planning to announce baby Ezra’s summer 2042 internship with Goldman Sachs soon.