Overachievers? Couple in The Back of Hideaway Already Busy Making Double Legacies

COLLEGETOWN—Saturday night festivities were in full swing last week and while some were busy with unproductive activities such as drinking and drugs, others were making some very public money moves. Power couple Angela Henderson ’25 and Eli Wilson ’24 spent their evening at Hideaway in a dark corner locking lips and grinding with abandon.  “Some…

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OP-ED: Dear Freshmen, that Twenty-Person O-Week Friend Group is Much Cooler Than You and If You Don’t Have Best Friends Yet, Just Give Up Trying

RUTH BADER GINSBURG HALL—Freshies, the first week of college is tough—college-living is a huge transition! If you’re feeling worried about the multitude of first-year frights—homesickness, courseload, dining hall food—you should probably add yet another anxiety to that list: the fact that you don’t have any friends while every single person around you has already found…

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Freshman Patiently Waiting to Cross College Ave Gets Hit by Car Anyway

COLLEGETOWN—Motorists and pedestrians alike were left apathetic today after an accident involving a Volkswagen Golf and one particularly patient freshman waiting for his chance to cross College Avenue.  The license plate number of the vehicle responsible for the accident was traced to an apartment building 100 feet from the crosswalk in question. Its driver, Larry…

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ILR Student Who Ignored The Whole Starbucks Thing Totally Taking Credit For This

IVES HALL—Amid the aftermath of the administration’s decision to discontinue its contract with Starbucks, cheers cascaded through Ives Hall as labor organizers and union supporters alike celebrated the decision. Among the gleeful shouts, Jack Stowe’s cheers rang the loudest. “We did it!” exclaimed Stowe. “The credit for such an achievement goes out to the entire…

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“Now, Where’s My Hug?” Asks Former Classmate You Do Not Recognize

ARTS QUAD – Classes have officially begun, which means getting settled into routines, staving off mounting exhaustion, and spotting familiar faces around campus. For Elizabeth Valenciano ‘26, however, the start of classes would also bring about an uncomfortable surprise. Valenciano and several of her friends were spotted leaving Goldwin Smith Hall when they were approached…

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Odd One Out: Sextuplet Excluded From New High Rise Lounge

HIGH RISE 5—To accommodate a larger-than-expected first-year class that they definitely expected, Cornell Housing and Residential Life has recently converted student lounges in certain buildings to quintuples. This was an immense disappointment to Jackie Bruno ‘27, who was the only one of her identical siblings assigned to a different room.  “Alexa, Amanda, Anna, Anika, and…

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“And If By Accident, We Should Ever Pass On The Street, Please Don’t Recognize Me,” Orientation Leader Gives Final Piece Of Advice

RAWLINGS GREEN—After an emotional week of preparation and group bonding, Orientation Leader Maxim Greenwald ‘24 gave one last instruction to his Orientees, that they should never speak to him again. Though Greenwald had spent the last week teaching the group all about the ins and outs of campus life, he knew that his final piece…

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