COLLEGETOWN—Motorists and pedestrians alike were left apathetic today after an accident involving a Volkswagen Golf and one particularly patient freshman waiting for his chance to cross College Avenue.
The license plate number of the vehicle responsible for the accident was traced to an apartment building 100 feet from the crosswalk in question. Its driver, Larry Hentz ‘24, was unaware of any wrongdoing. “I was on my way to pick up food from 7-Eleven,” stated Hentz, “But then I remembered Wings Over was having a sale so I popped a U-ie in that intersection to turn around, but I think I’d know if I hit someone.” When shown street camera footage of him doing exactly that, Hentz responded, “Oops. Oh my God that’s so crazy. Can you AirDrop that to me?”
Despite a shattered femur and a grade two concussion, the victim, Casey Rollins ‘27, opted not to press charges, stating “My home friends can’t know about this.” Rollins then begged investigators to delete all footage of the accident, as it depicted the moments after the collision, in which Rollins awkwardly fled the scene of the crime rather than suffer the embarrassment of waiting for someone to ask if he was okay.
One eyewitness, Doreen Zhang ‘24, suggested Rollins was actually culpable for the collision, blaming “the stupid freshman” for “just standing there like a dumbass.” When asked what experience she has to delegate blame in incidents such as this, Zhang simply responded, “I’m from the city.”
Construction crews are now hard at work to repair the damage caused by Rollins’ cranium’s collision with the sidewalk, with the project estimated to be complete by early 2027.
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