Tag Archives: Collegetown

Pre-Frosh Excited To Visit Restaurants That Will Close Before he Arrives

COLLEGETOWN—Hungry after a long day of exploring his future campus, incoming engineer Julio Saldanha ‘23 was captivated by Collegetown’s choice of dining options that will surely shut down before the fall semester. “All these restaurants look so good, but I think I’m going to spend a lot of time at Read More

New Greek Life Rules Say Hazing Can Only Occur in Annexes

DAY HALL—The Cornell administration released sweeping new restrictions on Greek life featuring a rule that bans hazing inside of residential chapter houses, but would probably let that stuff slide in annexes. “I understand that there is a deep and storied history of new member education in Greek houses, but this Read More

Ithaca Landlords Prepare for Annual Withholding of Security Deposits

COLLEGETOWN—Following a money bath and roundtable discussion on how to best avoid fixing clogged sinks, Ithaca landlords commenced their annual withholding of security deposits. “Alright everyone, it’s our favorite time of year again,” said collegetown landlord Steve Faramise, “Let’s all practice listing reasons why our tenants cannot receive their security Read More

Report: 80% of Football Fans No Longer Committed to Weekly Google Search of Game Results

COLLEGETOWN — Following Cornell’s loss to Dartmouth, ending their streak as the top Ivy League football team, fans no longer feel committed to their weekly Google search to check the game results. “I got a whole lot more involved in the football scene this semester than I have in past Read More

“I’m Ruined!” Murmurs Jack’s Owner After Wings Over Ithaca Opens Across Street

COLLEGETOWN — Following the grand opening of Wings Over Ithaca on Dryden Road in Collegetown, reports indicate that Jack’s Grill owner Kevin Sullivan was seen shaking his fist in the general direction of the new local competitor while murmuring phrases such as “I’m ruined!” and “it can’t be!”. “Dammit! That Read More

Rising Senior’s Apartment Affordable Firetrap Only Ten Minute Walk From Olin

COLLEGETOWN — Junior Jake Evans reported today that the apartment he’d be living in next year was, “An affordable place, close to campus, and virtually impossible to escape in the event of a fire or other emergency.” Chatting with friends over coffee, Evans mentioned that his apartment was likely to Read More