Tag Archives: Collegetown

Ithaca Landlords Prepare for Annual Withholding of Security Deposits

COLLEGETOWN—Following a money bath and roundtable discussion on how to best avoid fixing clogged sinks, Ithaca landlords commenced their annual withholding of security deposits. “Alright everyone, it’s our favorite time of year again,” said collegetown landlord Steve Faramise, “Let’s all practice listing reasons why our tenants cannot receive their security Read More

Report: 80% of Football Fans No Longer Committed to Weekly Google Search of Game Results

COLLEGETOWN — Following Cornell’s loss to Dartmouth, ending their streak as the top Ivy League football team, fans no longer feel committed to their weekly Google search to check the game results. “I got a whole lot more involved in the football scene this semester than I have in past Read More

“I’m Ruined!” Murmurs Jack’s Owner After Wings Over Ithaca Opens Across Street

COLLEGETOWN — Following the grand opening of Wings Over Ithaca on Dryden Road in Collegetown, reports indicate that Jack’s Grill owner Kevin Sullivan was seen shaking his fist in the general direction of the new local competitor while murmuring phrases such as “I’m ruined!” and “it can’t be!”. “Dammit! That Read More

Rising Senior’s Apartment Affordable Firetrap Only Ten Minute Walk From Olin

COLLEGETOWN — Junior Jake Evans reported today that the apartment he’d be living in next year was, “An affordable place, close to campus, and virtually impossible to escape in the event of a fire or other emergency.” Chatting with friends over coffee, Evans mentioned that his apartment was likely to Read More

Saké Bombing Latest Attack in Turf War Between Collegetown Japanese Restaurants

EDDY STREET – In what is the most recent episode in a longstanding battle for Collegetown supremacy, several saké bombs were set off between popular Japanese eateries Plum Tree and Miyake. The bombing, which occurred in the late hours of Friday evening, claimed the sobrieties of dozens of unsuspecting frat Read More

Couple’s Cigarette and Lung Costume A Good Sign They’re Breaking Up Soon

COLLEGETOWN — Actively indicating they will destabilize their crumbling relationship by the end of the night, juniors Katie Riley and Jason Daniels arrived at a Halloween party in a cigarette and lung couple costume, a pretty good sign that they will soon be breaking up. “We’re going through a rough Read More