STEWART AVE—Kyle Wilson 24’ had only just returned from winter break when he discovered a putrid goop oozing from his kitchen microwave.
“It had the aroma of warm fecal matter with notes of cinnamon,” recounted Wilson, a current Wines student. “I called the landlord four times before getting through–by that point, the leak had burned a hole through the floor, the microwave was on fire, and worse, I couldn’t heat my ramen.”
To Wilson’s surprise, his landlord seemed not at all concerned with the issue.
“What’s a lil’ noxious sewage leak?” commented Mr. Rudie, owner of Rudie’s Rottin’ Rentals. “I’ve got this blonde chick up the block who needs me to remove three hibernating bears from her bedroom, and this other guy with some weird radiator thing where instead of emitting heat it hisses ‘Hurricane’ by Bridget Medler,” Rudie chuckled. “If acid microwave fluid is an urgent issue, then I must be a bad landlord.”
Despite Rudie’s nonchalance, Kyle has decided to take matters into his own hands.
“I’m moving into the Mallott Hall Math Library,” said Kyle. “It’s perfect–no rent, no people, no commute–just asbestos.”
COLLEGETOWN — After a full month of having Collegetown’s eclectic apartments to themselves, local cockroaches have reported record-breaking excitement surrounding their humans’ return. Despite the many benefits of student absence, including a noticeable drop in average household stress levels and the clearing of an ever-present strawberry vape cloud, many roaches still just miss having their big, murderous friends around.
“We’re just so tickled to have all our pals back!” reported one Collegetown Plaza roach. “And we know they are just as excited to come home and see us scuttling around their kitchens like old times.”
One young roach couple from the Eddygate apartments are particularly excited to share their birth announcement with their human roommates. “I waited for them to come back before throwing the baby shower, because I knew they wouldn’t want to miss it,” explained the new mom. “I just can’t wait to see the look on their faces when our 15 new babies show up in their shower!”
Many roaches attributed their excitement to the fact that their human friends accept them as companions now, rather than seeking to remove them as they have done in the past. “Some people call their landlords about us and try to bring in exterminators,” explained one roach. “But I think the humans are learning to love us! No one I know has had to deal with an exterminator or pest control in years!”
When asked about this decrease in calls about roach problems, a representative from one rental office noted that his office does, in fact, still receive frequent maintenance requests for pest control, but “didn’t realize we were actually supposed to follow up on that.”
COLLEGETOWN—Over the course of four years at a university, many students must eventually confront the terrifying reality that they’ll make a “friend” with their same name that sticks around. Such panic set in for Kate McCarthy ‘25 after being introduced to a friend of a friend at Collegetown Bagels.
“I played it cool at first,” said McCarthy, after meeting her so-called “evil twin”. “I offered the polite ‘No way! How do you spell it?’, which normally does the trick. But once I heard her go ‘It’s actually kind of unique!…’ I knew I was fucked.”
McCarthy even tried to remain optimistic, despite the gravity of the situation. “No way this loser sticks around, I thought. But months later, she’s still showing up to hang-outs. I’m not sure when she’ll get the hint that it’s really inconvenient and borderline disrespectful to other people in the group when two people have the same name. It’s just plain greedy.”
McCarthy has defended herself against the critics that say perhaps, her parents should have cared enough to give her a name that made her a distinct human being: “First of all, my name is actually not that common because I spell it with a K which is undeniably a lot less popular and not even the same thing as Cate with a C. And in the early 2000s, it was an up and coming name. Novel, even. Can you name a middle-aged C/Kate? Also most people named Kate don’t actually have a connection to the name. I’m named after three different dead relatives named Kathleen or something equally similar. And Kate is probably Irish, so it’s a cultural thing.”
Luckily, friends of Kate and Kate reportedly have no problems distinguishing between the two of them, as they refer to Kate McCarthy as “Insufferable Kate”.
COLLEGETOWN–Noah Adamson ‘25, a new initiate at Delta Phi Chi fraternity, had hoped that his earthly horrors would cease after the pledging process. Yet, Noah’s mortal suffering has only heightened after a slightly-more-disturbing-than-normal Darty experience.
After crushing 3 soapy cherry flavored white claws, Noah claims to have been spoken to by a burning keg. Our Father and LORD (Vice Dean of the Office of Spirituality) revealed to Noah that in 3 days, He would unleash the foam machines of Collegetown, smothering the sinful people of Cornell in a torrent of festive mediocrity. “I uhh, was just dozing off on Labor Day weekend, when suddenly I heard a loud voice saying that ‘the foam shall rise and the sinful shall perish from the earth’. He then said I had to build an ark of gopherwood 50 cube-somethings wide,” recalled Noah. “I had to save 2 people of every major, before the foam came.”
Describing his vivid underwhelming prophecy, Noah claimed he saw thousands of day drinkers all over Collegetown, before a flash of red laser lights and the distinct sound of “No Hands” by Waka Flocka Flame. Then, the ground filled with cheap party foam, consuming the partiers, the other students, and then all the peoples of Ithaca.
When asked for comment, the LORD said: “And behold, I Myself am bringing foamwaters on the earth, to destroy from under heaven all flesh in which is the breath of life; everything that is on the earth shall be inconvenienced.”
Unfortunately, Noah did not set sail, as he was unable to identify literally any living soul enrolled in AAP. The impending flood will likely consume Collegetown, cleansing the dirty rushes once and for all.
COLLEGETOWN—Saturday night festivities were in full swing last week and while some were busy with unproductive activities such as drinking and drugs, others were making some very public money moves. Power couple Angela Henderson ’25 and Eli Wilson ’24 spent their evening at Hideaway in a dark corner locking lips and grinding with abandon.
“Some may have signed your lease for next year. Others are on track to graduate a semester early. But you’re not really thinking about your future until you have considered the college prospects of your future children,” explained a smug Angela. “I mean, Cornell could be doing away with legacy admissions every day, so if you’re not actively working towards creating the perfect candidate for admissions, at all times, regardless of who else is watching, you’re a failure.”
Patrons report that when the two were not occupied by heavy petting sessions, Henderson and Wilson were bragging about having it all.
“So many people say that you can’t party and prepare for your future in college,” declared Wilson. “But by coming here tonight, Angela and I are proving that not only can we do both, we can do it in front of you.”
Wilson and Henderson are planning to announce baby Ezra’s summer 2042 internship with Goldman Sachs soon.
COLLEGETOWN—Motorists and pedestrians alike were left apathetic today after an accident involving a Volkswagen Golf and one particularly patient freshman waiting for his chance to cross College Avenue.
The license plate number of the vehicle responsible for the accident was traced to an apartment building 100 feet from the crosswalk in question. Its driver, Larry Hentz ‘24, was unaware of any wrongdoing. “I was on my way to pick up food from 7-Eleven,” stated Hentz, “But then I remembered Wings Over was having a sale so I popped a U-ie in that intersection to turn around, but I think I’d know if I hit someone.” When shown street camera footage of him doing exactly that, Hentz responded, “Oops. Oh my God that’s so crazy. Can you AirDrop that to me?”
Despite a shattered femur and a grade two concussion, the victim, Casey Rollins ‘27, opted not to press charges, stating “My home friends can’t know about this.” Rollins then begged investigators to delete all footage of the accident, as it depicted the moments after the collision, in which Rollins awkwardly fled the scene of the crime rather than suffer the embarrassment of waiting for someone to ask if he was okay.
One eyewitness, Doreen Zhang ‘24, suggested Rollins was actually culpable for the collision, blaming “the stupid freshman” for “just standing there like a dumbass.” When asked what experience she has to delegate blame in incidents such as this, Zhang simply responded, “I’m from the city.”
Construction crews are now hard at work to repair the damage caused by Rollins’ cranium’s collision with the sidewalk, with the project estimated to be complete by early 2027.
COLLEGETOWN—At a Chi Alpha Tau party on College Avenue this Saturday night, sophomore Jordan Felane raised concerns by pairing his impressively detailed cat costume with a disconcerting enthusiasm for the canonical lore of Erin Hunter’s seminal cat-war novel series Warriors.
“I wouldn’t expect Twolegs to understand, but you might have a chance,” Felane explained to a guest dressed as Garfield. “They keep telling me I ‘sound insane’ or ‘need to get over a book I read ten years ago.’ I mean, great StarClan! It’s exactly these sort of fox-hearted statements that make Twolegplace so hostile to descendents of LionClan. But you’re a kittypet, and while you may not understand our way of life yet, the great Firestar proved that this is no barrier to becoming a great warrior. I can see the ambition in your eyes, and after training this newleaf, you could make a fine deputy in the battle with Delta Omega Gamma.”
After discovering that Felane was completely sober, the hosts decided it would be best to accommodate their guest rather than risk making any more of a scene or having to listen to any more elementary school-level cat universe lore. After pouring a few White Claws into a bowl, they left Felane to his work.
“He’s acting really strange,” said host and fraternity president John Nimitz ‘23. “He keeps insisting that everyone call him Cloudstar. That’s ridiculous, right? I mean, if he was in a clan, he’d be a warrior at best, there’s no way he would make it even as high as deputy. And even if he was made leader, you think that nerd would get accepted by StarClan? Not a chance. Plus, the books aren’t even that good after the first series anyways. Not that I’ve read them.”
After the party, brothers accused Felane of treason against Nimitz and provoking war with other fraternities. After holding a Gathering, the brothers voted to banish Felane from their Clan.
COMMONS–Following hundreds of allegations that Starbucks is discriminating against workers for their race, gender identity, and sex, the company has responded with a promise to fire all those groups at an equal rate if the company suspects they support the union.
“Starbucks is committed to equality,” claimed CEO Howard Schultz. “I hate the idea of any of our partners feeling disrespected due to their identities. We’ve put millions of dollars into advertising our commitment to diversity–and sure, we could’ve spent that money actually building support systems, but that’s not the point. The point is that regardless of your identity, if we so much as see you looking at a union organizer we’ll take you off the company roster faster than we force our baristas to work during an understaffed lunch rush.”
“I think the most honest part of this pledge is the admission that none of their previous projects have even come close to promoting equality,” argued one anonymous worker in the Commons Starbucks location. “They ran a “#RaceTogether campaign a few years back where they asked us to randomly start conversations about systemic racism while handing customers their morning coffee, which is a horrible strategy if you want a nuanced discussion about hegemonic power structures in this country, but a fantastic strategy to get workers harassed.”
Asked to comment on the Commons employee’s criticisms, Schultz frantically asked, “Which store did you say?” and immediately called his lawyer. The next day Starbucks announced its intentions to close the Commons location due to “long standing issues that have nothing to do with unions we promise.”
COLLEGETOWN—Facing the horrors of another row of lake-sized potholes, Brad, junior Sarah Mcllroy’s Blue G-Wagon, mustered the courage to beg his driver to spare him, just this once.
“I can’t do it anymore,” cried Brad, as a large bump shuddered his very being. “Every time we reach the peak of Williams for that split second I send a prayer to the great machine in the sky that she takes it easy on me. Alas, Sarah just guns it like she’s trying to win the alpine downhill. The other cars taunt me too. They have drivers who swerve to avoid potholes, caring about the health and wellbeing of their companion. I wish I was bought into a different family, one that cares.”
Brad has looked into alternative medicines and has even considered therapy to deal with his Sarah-related PTSD.
“I’ve tried meditation, yoga, even ethanol-free petroleum,” Brad recounted. “Nothing seems to work. I thought with all this inflation and that sanction business, maybe the gas prices would reduce Sarah’s frivolous driving. But then I remembered she’s from Westchester, and I…” Brad trailed off, reduced to muffled sobs.
Brad’s pleas have thus far fallen on deaf ears, unable to be heard over Mcllroy bumping “Heat Waves” during her weekly Target trips for pregame mixers.
“I love Brad,” said an oblivious Mcllroy. “I was so excited when Daddy bought him for me this summer knowing that I’d have a super trendy and cool car for the next two years when I’m in college. It’s weird though, he’s started to make these weird noises and everything, but he’s new so it’s probably nothing.”
After his latest Williams Street descent, Brad could be found in the parking lot icing his suspension and leaking unleaded 87 tears.
COLLEGETOWN–Gourmands, rejoice! Ithaca’s signature blend of ice, piss, asphalt, and antifreeze is now on tap at Collegetown’s 7-Eleven location. The limited-time only road slush flavor is part of the store’s push into Ithaca’s culinary scene.
“7-Eleven may not be the first place that comes to mind when you think of fresh, local, and seasonal flavors, but we’re hoping to change that with the new road slush ICEE,” explained store proprietor Blake “Boots” Gerberding. “The other restaurateurs in town really take the piss out of 7-Eleven’s drink selection, but we don’t,” added Gerberding.
“Sitting on the curb outside 7-Eleven dunking a lukewarm taquito in road slush is kinda the quintessential Cornell experience, so I think it’s gonna be pretty dope to be able to take that on the go. I can’t wait to carry a road slush ICEE and a couple of Jalapeno Cream Cheese taquitos over to the slope and watch the sunset” said Connell Williams ‘25.
As of publication time, 7-Eleven’s long suffering ICEE machine succumbed at last to the mores of seasonal depression and has ceased to function. For now, customers must once again slurp road slush directly out of the ditches.