Guy Who Read Warrior Cats in Middle School A Little Too Into This Cat Costume

COLLEGETOWN—At a Chi Alpha Tau party on College Avenue this Saturday night, sophomore Jordan Felane raised concerns by pairing his impressively detailed cat costume with a disconcerting enthusiasm for the canonical lore of Erin Hunter’s seminal cat-war novel series Warriors.

“I wouldn’t expect Twolegs to understand, but you might have a chance,” Felane explained to a guest dressed as Garfield. “They keep telling me I ‘sound insane’ or ‘need to get over a book I read ten years ago.’ I mean, great StarClan! It’s exactly these sort of fox-hearted statements that make Twolegplace so hostile to descendents of LionClan. But you’re a kittypet, and while you may not understand our way of life yet, the great Firestar proved that this is no barrier to becoming a great warrior. I can see the ambition in your eyes, and after training this newleaf, you could make a fine deputy in the battle with Delta Omega Gamma.”

After discovering that Felane was completely sober, the hosts decided it would be best to accommodate their guest rather than risk making any more of a scene or having to listen to any more elementary school-level cat universe lore. After pouring a few White Claws into a bowl, they left Felane to his work.

“He’s acting really strange,” said host and fraternity president John Nimitz ‘23. “He keeps insisting that everyone call him Cloudstar. That’s ridiculous, right? I mean, if he was in a clan, he’d be a warrior at best, there’s no way he would make it even as high as deputy. And even if he was made leader, you think that nerd would get accepted by StarClan? Not a chance. Plus, the books aren’t even that good after the first series anyways. Not that I’ve read them.”

After the party, brothers accused Felane of treason against Nimitz and provoking war with other fraternities. After holding a Gathering, the brothers voted to banish Felane from their Clan.

Starbucks Announces “Equality Pledge” To Fire All Union Supporters Regardless of Identity

COMMONS–Following hundreds of allegations that Starbucks is discriminating against workers for their race, gender identity, and sex, the company has responded with a promise to fire all those groups at an equal rate if the company suspects they support the union.

“Starbucks is committed to equality,” claimed CEO Howard Schultz. “I hate the idea of any of our partners feeling disrespected due to their identities. We’ve put millions of dollars into advertising our commitment to diversity–and sure, we could’ve spent that money actually building support systems, but that’s not the point. The point is that regardless of your identity, if we so much as see you looking at a union organizer we’ll take you off the company roster faster than we force our baristas to work during an understaffed lunch rush.”

 “I think the most honest part of this pledge is the admission that none of their previous projects have even come close to promoting equality,” argued one anonymous worker in the Commons Starbucks location. “They ran a “#RaceTogether campaign a few years back where they asked us to randomly start conversations about systemic racism while handing customers their morning coffee,  which is a horrible  strategy if you want a nuanced discussion about hegemonic power structures in this country, but a fantastic strategy to get workers harassed.”

Asked to comment on the Commons employee’s criticisms, Schultz frantically asked, “Which store did you say?” and immediately called his lawyer. The next day Starbucks announced its intentions to close the Commons location due to “long standing issues that have nothing to do with unions we promise.”

“Please, Sarah, Make It Stop… I’ll Do Anything” Pleads Car Staring Down Williams Street Once More

COLLEGETOWN—Facing the horrors of another row of lake-sized potholes, Brad, junior Sarah Mcllroy’s Blue G-Wagon, mustered the courage to beg his driver to spare him, just this once.

“I can’t do it anymore,” cried Brad, as a large bump shuddered his very being. “Every time we reach the peak of Williams for that split second I send a prayer to the great machine in the sky that she takes it easy on me. Alas, Sarah just guns it like she’s trying to win the alpine downhill. The other cars taunt me too. They have drivers who swerve to avoid potholes, caring about the health and wellbeing of their companion. I wish I was bought into a different family, one that cares.”

Brad has looked into alternative medicines and has even considered therapy to deal with his Sarah-related PTSD.

“I’ve tried meditation, yoga, even ethanol-free petroleum,” Brad recounted. “Nothing seems to work. I thought with all this inflation and that sanction business, maybe the gas prices would reduce Sarah’s frivolous driving. But then I remembered she’s from Westchester, and I…” Brad trailed off, reduced to muffled sobs.

Brad’s pleas have thus far fallen on deaf ears, unable to be heard over Mcllroy bumping “Heat Waves” during her weekly Target trips for pregame mixers.

“I love Brad,” said an oblivious Mcllroy. “I was so excited when Daddy bought him for me this summer knowing that I’d have a super trendy and cool car for the next two years when I’m in college. It’s weird though, he’s started to make these weird noises and everything, but he’s new so it’s probably nothing.”

After his latest Williams Street descent, Brad could be found in the parking lot icing his suspension and leaking unleaded 87 tears.

Collegetown 7-Eleven Unveils New Road Slush ICEE Flavor

COLLEGETOWNGourmands, rejoice! Ithaca’s signature blend of ice, piss, asphalt, and antifreeze is now on tap at Collegetown’s 7-Eleven location. The limited-time only road slush flavor is part of the store’s push into Ithaca’s culinary scene. 

“7-Eleven may not be the first place that comes to mind when you think of fresh, local, and seasonal flavors, but we’re hoping to change that with the new road slush ICEE,” explained store proprietor Blake “Boots” Gerberding. “The other restaurateurs in town really take the piss out of 7-Eleven’s drink selection, but we don’t,” added Gerberding.

“Sitting on the curb outside 7-Eleven dunking a lukewarm taquito in road slush is kinda the quintessential Cornell experience, so I think it’s gonna be pretty dope to be able to take that on the go. I can’t wait to carry a road slush ICEE and a couple of Jalapeno Cream Cheese taquitos over to the slope and watch the sunset” said Connell Williams ‘25. 

As of publication time, 7-Eleven’s long suffering ICEE machine succumbed at last to the mores of seasonal depression and has ceased to function. For now, customers must once again slurp road slush directly out of the ditches. 

Report: Girlfriend Just “Thinks It’s Funny” That Tom Brady’s Retirement Got 3 Instagram Stories, But 6-Month Anniversary Got 1

COLLEGETOWN–It was a normal Tuesday night for Peter Graven and Sophia Morgan, both ‘23, as they spent their evening finishing some school work before catching up on the latest episode of Euphoria. Morgan was so enraptured by the neon depiction of teen opiate abuse that she barely noticed Graven spent most of the episode scrolling through his phone.

 It was not until the episode ended that Morgan checked her phone and noticed a notification that Graven had posted an Instagram story. Hoping he had taken a cute candid of her during their night in, she was reportedly taken aback when she saw the actual story. According to sources close to the situation, that was when the night took a turn.

“Dude, we were just chilling, and then out of nowhere, she starts bombarding me with questions, saying shit like ‘Why is it such a big deal that he’s retiring?’ and asking me if I even care about how she feels,” said Graven, before clarifying “All I did was throw up a story to thank the GOAT for his years dominating the game.”

Per sources, Morgan’s initial comment was that she “just thinks it’s funny” that Graven had made yet another Instagram story commemorating NFL star Tom Brady’s retirement. 

“It’s not the first time this has come up. That kid is on thin ice,” said Morgan’s roommate Heather Jones. “For her birthday a few weeks ago, he posted a blurry photo of them from a random day at like 11:45pm, but put up three college basketball highlights earlier during her birthday dinner.”

“I’m not crazy or anything,” said Morgan through clenched teeth, “I just think it’s kinda interesting that he’s posted about some football player calling it quits three times in the past week, but that he could only make one story for our six-month anniversary! He’s not even a Patriots fan!!”

When asked for further comment, Jones strongly suggested that the alignment of the Super Bowl and Valentine’s Day almost certainly be the nail in Graven’s coffin.

“Your Caviar, Sir,” Says Tuxedo-Clad Waiter to Couple on 3rd Anniversary Date at 7-Eleven Indoor Dining

7-ELEVEN—’Twas a beautiful and romantic evening for Ithaca’s it-couple Albert Grant Wellington III ‘22 and Eleanor Theodora Johnson ‘22. While the commoners of Collegetown partook in fraternity soirees and other low class activities, these members of the Finger Lakes region’s high society spent their evening enjoying a fine dining experience like none other at 7-Eleven in celebration of their third anniversary together.

Onlookers marveled in awe as the couple was welcomed into the dining establishment, gasping as the tuxedo-clad waiter pulled out the vibrant red high chairs for Wellington and Johnson before presenting them with a tin of the finest Iranian Beluga fish caviar flown in directly from the Black Sea just an hour prior. “I thought all they had were taquitos and wings, so I didn’t get why eating indoors at 7-Eleven was such a big deal,” said passersby Patrick Hernandez ‘24. “But then I saw the waiter use a samurai sword to open a bottle of Dom Perignon and I finally understood why you need to get on the waitlist six months in advance for a chance at a reservation.” In fact, Wellington had used his Amex Platinum concierge service to earn his coveted spot as soon as he heard the buzz from his upper-class peers.

Those who have been lucky enough to win a reservation at 7-Eleven have claimed that the dining experience is “on another level from other fine dining establishments”, and that 7-Eleven is “what the industry standard should be”, even likening the experience to that of winning the lottery, an activity one can also do at a 7-Eleven.

“I consider myself a connoisseur of fine dining, having been to a number of top rated establishments around the world,” said Wellington III. “But the moment I felt the fluorescent lights blinding me, the smell of stale coffee and grease being absorbed into my skin, and the rumbling of the slurpee machines, I knew I was about to have the dinner of my life—no wonder 7-Eleven has four Michelin stars!”

To finish off an exquisite evening filled with magical theatrics and incredible eats, Wellington and Johnson shared a chocolate taquito topped with a drizzle of housemade plastic nacho cheese.

OP-ED: Will I Understand 2Stay2Go if I Haven’t Seen The First One?

COLLEGETOWN—In the era of cinematic universes and album series, it can be difficult to find an attraction that is a standalone, original body of work. Each week it would seem a new follow-up to something emerges onto the scene and staying in the loop has only become more challenging. Franchises have dominated our culture, from McDonald’s to the Marvel Cinematic Universe, so much so that independent works can come and go with little notice from the general public. 

Sometimes an original work can be a much-needed reprieve from the dedication of franchises, so you can only imagine my excitement when I heard about a student-owned and operated dining option. An independent, employee-ran establishment in a world of sequels and spin-offs with delicious menu options? Sign me up! I was incredibly enthusiastic at the prospect of this new spot simply because it wasn’t a tired and overdone destination. But that was until I learned of the name of the place…

2Stay2Go seems like a great idea, run by really inspired and incredibly passionate people who really care about what they’re doing. The only issue is that I haven’t been to StayGo or 1Stay1Go or whatever the prequel is called. The truth is that I’m terrified of not knowing what is going on. I honestly don’t know if there’s a first restaurant out there, but if 2 Fast 2 Furious and Die Hard 2: Die Harder have taught me anything, it’s that you only stylize a title like that for the second entry in a franchise. What happens if I come in and I’m out of the loop? Will the menu have spoilers about the first one? Is 2Stay2Go an instruction? The daunting reality is that I simply do not know what I’m in for and I can only find out by going. In fact, none of us do. Having two 2’s like that in the name usually implies that there’s a first one, right? That’s why I propose the entirety of Cornell’s student body hit up 2Stay2Go and fill in the blanks together. 

If every Cornellian were to go and order this weekend, I guarantee we could get to the bottom of it and figure out exactly what the deal is. Whether or not 2Stay2Go is a sequel or spin-off or continuation or spiritual successor, there’s simply no way that all of us, working together, couldn’t connect the dots.

Cornell’s Stray Cats Enter Week Three Of Vicious Turf War Over D.P. Dough Dumpster

COLLEGETOWN- To the dismay of many Cornellians, the street battle that has been waged by two feline tribes over rights to the dumpster behind D.P. Dough has continued to rage on for a third consecutive week. With much of the bloodshed being accompanied by hours of hissing and growling, residents of the apartments above have witnessed the horror from their windows.

“When it first started, my roommate and I thought that one group would push the others out quickly enough, but after the first couple of hours we realized that they were unrelenting,” said Leah Rustico, ‘22, before continuing “We hoped it would’ve been over that first night, but it quickly became the new normal.”

The turf war between the cat gangs has only grown worse since it first began, with both sides suffering many casualties. Most notably was that of Mittens from the Linden Ave contingent, who had been a favorite stray among Collegetown residents. A black cat with white paws, his nickname was derived from his feet looking as though he was wearing mittens. That was, until his final hours in which his white fur was caked with the blood of the cats from the Dryden Road gang.

Another prominent loss of the conflict was that of Whiskers, who long led the Dryden Road cat militia, before falling in battle to a tomcat. The exact details of their fight are sparse, although one source says it stemmed from a mutual interest in the same leftover Parmazone. When asked for a comment on the bloodbath being waged for their garbage, a D.P. Dough employee refused to comment beyond saying only “It’s the survival of the fittest and we care not who that may be. We have calzones to move and their petty war will not prevent that”.

Heroic Student Donated to Save Collegetown’s Restaurants but Has Yet to Venmo Roommate for Brunch

COLLEGETOWN—Generously showing solidarity with small businesses, student Max Eagen ‘21 proudly donated to the latest GoFundMe to save Collegetown’s original restaurants. He also has yet to repay his roommate for brunch. 

“At first I just thought he was short on cash, which is totally fine,” said roommate Daniel Nakamura ‘21. “But then I got a Facebook update showing that he donated $20 to Cafe Pacific. I totally support it, but also could I have my $10 from last month?” 

In his Facebook post, Eagen stated the importance of supporting local eateries, while stressing the sacrifice he made by donating. “If I’m just a student and can donate, then so can you. Am I a hero to all? No. Am I a hero to one? Bet,” read the post. 

Despite multiple texts, Venmo reminders, and DM’s, Eagen still refused to reimburse his roommate. Instead, demonstrating his strong sense of empathy and integrity, he changed his cover photo to a picture that dismantles trickle-down economics, retweeted articles about Small Business Saturday, and edited his Instagram bio to “CU ‘21. KappaSig. Activist.” 

“Eagen’s magnanimity is impressive,” affirmed Nakamura. “He just really needs to pay me for that waffle.”

The next weekend, Eagen was spotted drinking a Starbucks frappe and not tipping his barista. 

Student’s Fifteen Spotify Wrapped Screenshots Reveal Favorite Artists as well as Massive God Complex

COLLEGETOWN—As time continues to pass following Spotify’s December 2 release of its individualized 2020 Wrapped feature, many continue to take to social media with their top songs and artists. Among them is self-proclaimed champion of music, Jared Wilson ‘22, who opted to add a whopping fifteen “Year in Review” screenshots to his Instagram story. 

“Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on with him,” said Wilson’s roommate Zain Nagpal ‘21. “He keeps asking me if I’ve heard of Tame Impala and won’t stop offering to lend me his own personal, “thrifted” CD. I might’ve taken it too, but he said he needed it for the next few weeks in case anyone swiped up to ask where he found such obscure bands.”

For Wilson, the first week of December is the  most wonderful time of the year. It’s a time when he can spend hours on end hunkered over his phone psychoanalyzing every single Spotify Wrapped that comes up on his feed, rendering his divine judgment unto any and all reprobates with Pop as their #1 Genre.

“I’ve been contemplating switching my major from AEM to Music, since I already know so much about the music scene,” said Wilson, after skimming half of a Rolling Stone article, “I don’t know if you’ve heard of this, but like, artists, don’t actually make that much off of streaming services.”

At press time, Wilson was seen frothing at the mouth while asking the cashier at CTB if he could “just have the aux for a minute” and linking his “On Repeat” playlist to his Instagram and Twitter bios.