Aw! The Army of Roaches in the Walls of Your Apartment are Thrilled to Have you Back From Break

COLLEGETOWN — After a full month of having Collegetown’s eclectic apartments to themselves, local cockroaches have reported record-breaking excitement surrounding their humans’ return. Despite the many benefits of student absence, including a noticeable drop in average household stress levels and the clearing of an ever-present strawberry vape cloud, many roaches still just miss having their big, murderous friends around.

“We’re just so tickled to have all our pals back!” reported one Collegetown Plaza roach. “And we know they are just as excited to come home and see us scuttling around their kitchens like old times.” 

One young roach couple from the Eddygate apartments are particularly excited to share their birth announcement with their human roommates. “I waited for them to come back before throwing the baby shower, because I knew they wouldn’t want to miss it,” explained the new mom. “I just can’t wait to see the look on their faces when our 15 new babies show up in their shower!”

Many roaches attributed their excitement to the fact that their human friends accept them as companions now, rather than seeking to remove them as they have done in the past. “Some people call their landlords about us and try to bring in exterminators,” explained one roach. “But I think the humans are learning to love us! No one I know has had to deal with an exterminator or pest control in years!”

When asked about this decrease in calls about roach problems, a representative from one rental office noted that his office does, in fact, still receive frequent maintenance requests for pest control, but “didn’t realize we were actually supposed to follow up on that.”

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