THURSTON AVE—The start of the new year brings the start of a new rush cycle. Cornellians enter mortal combat to join illustrious and historic organizations such as Pi Omega Omega and Pi Epsilon Epsilon. But what of those who hesitate? After all, some are unsure about spending cash for friends. For those individuals, the brotherhood of Manson Family Phi encourages you to apply.
“We’re a real family and accept all students indiscriminately. As long as you regularly abuse Benzedrine,” explained founder Marley Banson. “And LSD. And possess an impressive pedigree. For those that meet such accessible criteria, know that in accordance with our Diversity Equity and Inclusion initiative, all will be provided a fair chance at recruitment.”
Members of Manson Family Phi believe that Greek life should be “a killer experience.” As such, new member education is secretive and taken extraordinarily seriously. Rumors have described “chugging a trough of Kool-Aid within an hour” and “fun with goats.”
“Banson is a good guy. He has never hurt anyone,” said Brother Colt Ist ’25, upon being asked about new member education and other traditions in Manson Family Phi. “I think he is a good guy and has never hurt anyone,” Ist elaborated. “If he did hurt someone, they probably deserved it…You should join us. We’re a real family.”
Manson Family Phi has recently stumbled into controversy after member retention sharply declined amidst complaints of compulsory $70 sweatshirt purchases.
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