And How Urgent Is This Issue?” Says Landlord After Microwave Begins Leaking Sewage

STEWART AVE—Kyle Wilson 24’ had only just returned from winter break when he discovered a putrid goop oozing from his kitchen microwave. 

“It had the aroma of warm fecal matter with notes of cinnamon,” recounted Wilson, a current Wines student. “I called the landlord four times before getting through–by that point, the leak had burned a hole through the floor, the microwave was on fire, and worse, I couldn’t heat my ramen.”

To Wilson’s surprise, his landlord seemed not at all concerned with the issue.

“What’s a lil’ noxious sewage leak?” commented Mr. Rudie, owner of Rudie’s Rottin’ Rentals. “I’ve got this blonde chick up the block who needs me to remove three hibernating bears from her bedroom, and this other guy with some weird radiator thing where instead of emitting heat it hisses ‘Hurricane’  by Bridget Medler,” Rudie chuckled. “If acid microwave fluid is an urgent issue, then I must be a bad landlord.”

Despite Rudie’s nonchalance, Kyle has decided to take matters into his own hands.

“I’m moving into the Mallott Hall Math Library,” said Kyle. “It’s perfect–no rent, no people, no commute–just asbestos.”

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