In A Bold Move Against Guys Who Wear Shorts in 0 Degree Weather, Cornell Health and Safety Introduces Godfrey the Knee-Licking Goblin

CORNELL HEALTH—Administrators from Cornell Health and Safety introduced a new member of their team this morning: Godfrey the Knee-Licking Goblin.

“We thought it was past time to fight back against the epidemic that is guys wearing 5” inseam shorts in the middle of winter,” announced Arnold Riggs, newly appointed director of C.U.P.D. (Cornell University Patellar Division). The task force consists of Riggs and ten “goblin handlers” whose job it is to “keep fatalities to a minimum.” Godfrey himself sports a five-foot-long prehensile tongue and two rows of razor-sharp teeth.

“There are a few kinks that need to be worked out,” Riggs admitted. “Godfrey is a dedicated and caring creature, but once he gets a taste for blood, there is no stopping him.” Riggs went on to describe the process of training the goblin, which involved spreading peanut butter on mannequins’ legs and “only rewarding [Godfrey] when the knees were licked squeaky clean.”

“Anyone wearing pants has no cause for concern,” Riggs said in his closing statements. “We project a 75% decrease in frostbite-related knee injuries this winter. Come summer, Godfrey will be put into cryosleep, where his hunger for knees will grow until he is released again next fall.”

Several students expressed support for the new initiative. “It’s clear they have students’ best interests in mind,” said George Basset ‘23, licking his lips. “Campus will be a better place because of it.”

Basset was later seen on Ho Plaza ripping holes down the front of his pants and asking passersby if they had any spare peanut butter.

PE Self Defense Instructor Breaks Into Students’ Homes to Evaluate Progress

HELEN NEWMAN HALL—Cornell administration has received several complaints from students enrolled in PE1560 Introductory Self Defense after instructor John Ladin broke into their respective homes on Sunday night in an unorthodox final assessment that students describe as a “harrowing ambush executed by a gleeful psychopath.” 

“How am I possibly supposed to evaluate my students’ self-defense capabilities if I’m not allowed to take careful notes on their gravest weaknesses, stalk their homes for potential entry points, memorize their daily schedules, and then pounce when they least expect it?” noted an exasperated Ladin. “Also, this has been in the syllabus all semester so I don’t know why it was a surprise.”

Several students have protested that the class material did not adequately prepare them for some aspects of the attack. “He literally busted down my apartment door, kicked me directly in the face, and yelled, ‘You’ve been John-ed, dumbass!’ None of that was on the study guide,” complained Max Green ‘23. 

“I actually did read the syllabus so I knew this was coming, but it was already past the drop deadline and I’d honestly rather get my shit rocked than take a W on my transcript,” admitted Amy Price ‘24. “I’m really not sure how I did, but I heard one kid just curled up in a fetal position and started crying for his mommy, so I’m hoping it’s graded on a curve” 

In response to complaints from students, VP Ryan Lombardi defended Ladin’s actions, writing, “We take great pride in the rigor of our coursework. Cornell is a world-class institution dedicated to preparing its students for anything life may throw at them, including a 4 am haymaker to the scapula. If these students can handle John’s violent attempt at their physical safety, we’ll know the university is doing its job.” 

OP-ED: Love Triangle? Pentagon? I’m in a Love Dot

MALOTT HALL—Last week, I briefly overheard Stacy and Emily talking about their floundering love lives between bites of food at Trill. Stacy lamented that Liam from her discussion section has a thing for her, even though Stacy is actually crushing on Rachel from that same section, who is also in love with Liam. Tragic! And Emily? Her love life is even more complex, why, she’s in a love pentagon! How does that even work? I don’t know, but she at least has a shape goddamn it. All the while, I couldn’t help but think one thing: what about me? I don’t have a shape.

For far too long, we’ve allowed people who can’t make up their goddamn minds about love to define a cool shape for their relationship problems. But if there is one thing that teen romantic comedies taught me, it would be that by defining your lack of mutual romantic attraction to someone as a geometric structure is the truest testament to a sound mind.

Why be lame and admit that your crush doesn’t like you when you can instead be in a spiffy and spicy love triangle? When your love life is defined by a geometric silhouette, anything is game. Want to read his mail? Go right ahead; you can’t let Natalee win! Need to dye his crush’s hair an awful shade of green? All is fair in love-triangles and war. For this reason, I have come to the brave decision that I will no longer accept the slur “single.” Nay, “single” is for those vanilla bitches. You know the type: ladies who are confident in themselves, have healthy hobbies, and do not need external validation through relationships. You see, I’m mature enough to know that’s not me. All real relationships correspond to shapes that we learned in 9th grade geometry class. Or, in other words, I’m in a love dot.

Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane? Student Pleads with All-Powerful Father Not to Send Him to Company’s Branch in Ohio

MEWS HALL–Much as the Lord’s only son went into the Garden of Gethsemane to ask the Heavenly Father that His life might be spared, so too did Brantley Wentworth ‘25 call upon his own father to spare him an even darker fate—a summer in his company’s Ohio branch.
Although Wentworth had long accepted his role in life–to spend the most functional years of his cocaine addiction falsifying ledgers in order to increase stocks by .03%—as his LinkedIn feed filled with announcements of his classmate’s internships in Silicon Valley, Wentworth found himself filled with doubt for the first time in his smug, entitled life. Just as the Son of God in the Gospel of Matthew lay prostrate in the garden, Wentworth threw himself down among his discarded beer cans and contacted his father the only way he knew how–by calling his secretary’s number.
“Dad, please, if it’s possible to find an opening in California, let this internship in Ohio pass me by,” Wentworth pleaded with the answering machine, trembling with sorrow and synthetic weed withdrawal. “Through You all things are possible–like deforesting the entire Amazon, or getting My three DUIs dismissed. Give Me the keys to the kingdom of heaven, or at least to an apartment outside of the central United States!”
Wentworth’s prayers were answered by a voicemail threatening to cut off his allowance, causing Wentworth to declare, “Not My will, but Yours be done!”

Idiots Rejoice! Struggling for 20 Minutes to Set Up CU Print Can Now Fulfill Physical Science Requirement

COLLEGE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES–Morons across campus finally won big with the announcement that the task of setting CU Print up on their laptops for a worryingly long period of time can now fulfill the physical sciences distribution requirement.

“Fret not, dimwits,” said College of Arts and Sciences Dean Ray Jayawardhana in a statement this past Wednesday. “Long have the dunderheads pathetically struggled in their rudimentary astronomy classes. This painful period is now over. I know that you dullards cannot understand simple tasks which require a benign amount of effort for most. However, I think that you can rise to the occasion. Numbskulls, now is your time!”

The fervor and excitement of Jayawardhana’s email was met with an even more passionate reaction from simpletons across campus. “Tanya finally feels seen! Yay!” beamed Tanya Williamston ‘22. “Tanya failed Oceans last semester by accident. But Tanya is not worried anymore. Because how hard can setting up a printer be? Tanya’s roommate is a CS major, she can just ask her, ‘cause that’s like her whole thing. Computers.”

“Uhhhhhhhhhh…. I’m not sure where to start,” said glassy-eyed Jeremy Pinker ‘23. “So many steps. It says ‘My Printers’ but I don’t own a printer. I, uhm, tried to Google it but I keep getting results about that guy who sang that Purple Rain song. I didn’t even know he went to Cornell. Uh… uhhh…yeah, uhmmmm…” Pinker, hypnotized, began to drool upon his keyboard, and slurred, “I need an extension for this.”

Considering this is no simple task for them, imbeciles will be happy to know that they can attend office hours and ask the most inane, idiotic questions imaginable which will coax the TA into just setting it up for them.

Two Day February “Break” No Match For 72 Hour Drug-Induced Bender

ITHACA—Two days of rest and relaxation were not enough for Joel Robinesson ‘23, who used his February break to embark on a thrilling and debaucherous methamphetamine-fueled bender.
“I’m just feeling great. Really great. Super great. Totally great. You guys can see me right?” said Robinesson late Monday afternoon when he was spotted wandering around campus. “Look at that! That’s Ezra Cornell. He’s coming over. Oh no, he’s coming over? Are you Ezra Cornell? I have to go.”
Robinesson began his high early Sunday afternoon, claiming that he wanted to spend Saturday at Greek Peak and attend Sunday brunch at Taverna Banfi. Citing his great stamina and above-average metabolism, he felt confident in his ability to recover in time to write a paper and study for an exam in the days immediately following February break.
“Joel’s an absolute fiend so if it was just meth he’d be in the clear,” commented Robinesson’s roommate Jackson Villagen ‘22. “I was there when he started smoking up but I left to pick up a FaceTime from my girl. When I came back there were crazy pills all over the table and Joel had taken at least half of them. It was crazy dude.”
At press time, Robinesson was unavailable for comment. However, there have been recent reports of a man fitting Robinesson’s height and build wandering around the nearby town of Lansing.

Housing Department Under Fire For Hasty Response To Ganędagǫ: Mice Despite Complete Silence Concerning Low Rise Seven Vampire Bats

LOW RISE SEVEN—The University Housing Department faced criticism this past week for their rapid action regarding rodents in Ganędagǫ: Hall as they continued to ignore the rampant infestation of bloodsucking vampire bats throughout Low Rise 7. The host of flighted mammals have reportedly occupied the dilapidated residence hall for several months without any university intervention.

“It’s getting pretty hairy over here,” explained Low Rise 7 resident Martin Beale ‘25, wielding a broomstick to defend himself from the dorm’s winged invaders. “I’ve tried filing maintenance requests, but I can’t even find ‘Low Rise 7’ in the list of serviceable regions. So for now we have to adapt, just like with the dorm’s other quirks; I take hair out of the shower drain with a tiny rake, I leave my door shut to keep in heat, and I wear a motorcycle helmet to sleep so that the bats don’t bite me in the face.”

The university has been quick to address issues in other dorms, but remains negligent to their unwanted middle child of a residence hall. While a quick and thorough statement was made regarding the string of arsons last semester, no comment was made a week earlier when a mad scientist attempted to turn all of the Low Rise 7 residents into duck-people.

“Actually, the bats are fine,” stated a noticeably paler Beale, wrapped in a large red cloak. “The real issue on campus is the garlic bread. It’s everywhere, and it’s vile. Forget about the bats, no really, forget them, and get rid of that damnable garlic abomination.”

At press time, all of the shades in Low Rise 7 had been drawn, and a host of residents were seen outside of Low Rise 6 asking for permission to enter the premises.

Ithaca Beer Co. Promises to Open After Acquiring Gifts of Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh

COLLEGETOWN—Following months of delays since this past summer, Ithaca Beer Co. has promised they will finally open once they’ve acquired gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

“We were hoping the issues we had with acquiring our liquor license would be the last of the obstacles we would encounter,” said owner, Mark Speltz. “I haven’t had many issues finding gold and frankincense, but I’ve looked all over the place for myrrh and it’s apparently only available in Bethlehem which is going to take at least two weeks to ship.”

The recent roadblock in Ithaca Beer Co.’s journey to opening the Collegetown location is only one of many frustrations, including the tasks of feeding five thousand people and finding two of every living creature and putting them on a boat.

“Definitely one of the strangest requirements for opening was when we were told we would have to find some way to turn water into wine,” noted Jessica Beller ‘22, a bartender at the new location. “Our expertise is in beer, so it took us a few weeks to get that to work.”

As of press time, Ithaca Beer Co. announced they will be shuttering their doors after failing to acquire the gift of rent to stay in the Student Agencies building.

Collegetown 7-Eleven Unveils New Road Slush ICEE Flavor

COLLEGETOWNGourmands, rejoice! Ithaca’s signature blend of ice, piss, asphalt, and antifreeze is now on tap at Collegetown’s 7-Eleven location. The limited-time only road slush flavor is part of the store’s push into Ithaca’s culinary scene. 

“7-Eleven may not be the first place that comes to mind when you think of fresh, local, and seasonal flavors, but we’re hoping to change that with the new road slush ICEE,” explained store proprietor Blake “Boots” Gerberding. “The other restaurateurs in town really take the piss out of 7-Eleven’s drink selection, but we don’t,” added Gerberding.

“Sitting on the curb outside 7-Eleven dunking a lukewarm taquito in road slush is kinda the quintessential Cornell experience, so I think it’s gonna be pretty dope to be able to take that on the go. I can’t wait to carry a road slush ICEE and a couple of Jalapeno Cream Cheese taquitos over to the slope and watch the sunset” said Connell Williams ‘25. 

As of publication time, 7-Eleven’s long suffering ICEE machine succumbed at last to the mores of seasonal depression and has ceased to function. For now, customers must once again slurp road slush directly out of the ditches. 

Report: Girlfriend Just “Thinks It’s Funny” That Tom Brady’s Retirement Got 3 Instagram Stories, But 6-Month Anniversary Got 1

COLLEGETOWN–It was a normal Tuesday night for Peter Graven and Sophia Morgan, both ‘23, as they spent their evening finishing some school work before catching up on the latest episode of Euphoria. Morgan was so enraptured by the neon depiction of teen opiate abuse that she barely noticed Graven spent most of the episode scrolling through his phone.

 It was not until the episode ended that Morgan checked her phone and noticed a notification that Graven had posted an Instagram story. Hoping he had taken a cute candid of her during their night in, she was reportedly taken aback when she saw the actual story. According to sources close to the situation, that was when the night took a turn.

“Dude, we were just chilling, and then out of nowhere, she starts bombarding me with questions, saying shit like ‘Why is it such a big deal that he’s retiring?’ and asking me if I even care about how she feels,” said Graven, before clarifying “All I did was throw up a story to thank the GOAT for his years dominating the game.”

Per sources, Morgan’s initial comment was that she “just thinks it’s funny” that Graven had made yet another Instagram story commemorating NFL star Tom Brady’s retirement. 

“It’s not the first time this has come up. That kid is on thin ice,” said Morgan’s roommate Heather Jones. “For her birthday a few weeks ago, he posted a blurry photo of them from a random day at like 11:45pm, but put up three college basketball highlights earlier during her birthday dinner.”

“I’m not crazy or anything,” said Morgan through clenched teeth, “I just think it’s kinda interesting that he’s posted about some football player calling it quits three times in the past week, but that he could only make one story for our six-month anniversary! He’s not even a Patriots fan!!”

When asked for further comment, Jones strongly suggested that the alignment of the Super Bowl and Valentine’s Day almost certainly be the nail in Graven’s coffin.