STEWART AVE—Kyle Wilson 24’ had only just returned from winter break when he discovered a putrid goop oozing from his kitchen microwave.
“It had the aroma of warm fecal matter with notes of cinnamon,” recounted Wilson, a current Wines student. “I called the landlord four times before getting through–by that point, the leak had burned a hole through the floor, the microwave was on fire, and worse, I couldn’t heat my ramen.”
To Wilson’s surprise, his landlord seemed not at all concerned with the issue.
“What’s a lil’ noxious sewage leak?” commented Mr. Rudie, owner of Rudie’s Rottin’ Rentals. “I’ve got this blonde chick up the block who needs me to remove three hibernating bears from her bedroom, and this other guy with some weird radiator thing where instead of emitting heat it hisses ‘Hurricane’ by Bridget Medler,” Rudie chuckled. “If acid microwave fluid is an urgent issue, then I must be a bad landlord.”
Despite Rudie’s nonchalance, Kyle has decided to take matters into his own hands.
“I’m moving into the Mallott Hall Math Library,” said Kyle. “It’s perfect–no rent, no people, no commute–just asbestos.”
KENNEDY HALL—BIOEE 1780 lecture was cut short yesterday afternoon after a series of peculiar events transpired in the lecture hall. Students streamed out in near silence, stunned at what they had witnessed: a large anthropomorphized sea bass, throbbing and thrashing on stage after being thrown by Felix Ichthyus ‘26 from the third row.
When asked to comment, he argued, “Those bullshit lecturers are trying to tell me that us Homo sapiens are related to the same creatures that made fucking Dicentrarchus labrax? Look at those things, with their caudal fins, scaly skin, and operculum! Look at us! Our keratinous hair, internal lungs, and automatic thermoregulation! Now tell me that we are related!”
Apparently, the student had tried to make this distinction clear to his professors on previous occasions, but according to his fellow peers, the professor would just speak more loudly into the microphone, effectively drowning out the cries of disapproval.
“Umm, yes. The sound system was quite effective in making him shut the hell up,” noted Prof. Elaine McDougall. “I thought he would stop eventually. However, he snapped back, storming into the classroom dripping wet and hucking a bleeding sea bass onto the stage after he had pinned baby doll legs and a wig to it.”
Other students were just as surprised. “How the hell did he get a saltwater fish here so quickly?” cried junior Frances MacGuyver ‘25. “The nearest ocean is over 200 miles away!”
Due to the incident, academic bodies are searching for ways to more clearly and intuitively explain descent with modification without having to deal with those damned phylogenetic trees. Their new goal: make explaining evolution a less fishy endeavor for students.
COLLEGETOWN–Noah Adamson ‘25, a new initiate at Delta Phi Chi fraternity, had hoped that his earthly horrors would cease after the pledging process. Yet, Noah’s mortal suffering has only heightened after a slightly-more-disturbing-than-normal Darty experience.
After crushing 3 soapy cherry flavored white claws, Noah claims to have been spoken to by a burning keg. Our Father and LORD (Vice Dean of the Office of Spirituality) revealed to Noah that in 3 days, He would unleash the foam machines of Collegetown, smothering the sinful people of Cornell in a torrent of festive mediocrity. “I uhh, was just dozing off on Labor Day weekend, when suddenly I heard a loud voice saying that ‘the foam shall rise and the sinful shall perish from the earth’. He then said I had to build an ark of gopherwood 50 cube-somethings wide,” recalled Noah. “I had to save 2 people of every major, before the foam came.”
Describing his vivid underwhelming prophecy, Noah claimed he saw thousands of day drinkers all over Collegetown, before a flash of red laser lights and the distinct sound of “No Hands” by Waka Flocka Flame. Then, the ground filled with cheap party foam, consuming the partiers, the other students, and then all the peoples of Ithaca.
When asked for comment, the LORD said: “And behold, I Myself am bringing foamwaters on the earth, to destroy from under heaven all flesh in which is the breath of life; everything that is on the earth shall be inconvenienced.”
Unfortunately, Noah did not set sail, as he was unable to identify literally any living soul enrolled in AAP. The impending flood will likely consume Collegetown, cleansing the dirty rushes once and for all.
SAGE ATRIUM—When Walter Pinker ‘27 emerged from his consulting club coffee chat with Isabella Mendez ‘26, he didn’t want to be a Classics major anymore. In fact, he also did not want to be straight, Catholic, white, or Walter, adopting the temporary moniker “WaPi” (wha-pee, something “more exotic”) while he positions himself to be the ultimate corporate diversity admit.
“I booked the Calendly appointment as a joke, you know? So I could live out the rest of my humanities major in peace, comforted by the tragedy of Cornellian souls doomed to perpetual corporate servitude. But then I found out about these diversity programs that fly students across the country to eat steak and make little consulting friends,” commented WaPi. “The Odyssey isn’t flying me across the country. And I like filet mignon.”
When probed further about what moved him to transform nearly his entire identity, WaPi cited Mendez’s success in already securing three separate post-grad job offers as a first semester sophomore, with only slightly delayed start dates of 2031, 2036, and 2048.
“She’s already so successful,” remarked WaPi. “Forget the cinematic dark academia main character I’m-better-than-you lifestyle of reading Virgil under a tree. It’s time to become an indispensable DEI statistic.”
WaPi is now on a crusade to tick all the corporate diversity boxes, hoping to secure himself a slot in one of the industry’s most coveted firms so he can lord it over everyone else. Isabella Mendez declined to comment, sharing only that WaPi made her sign an NDA etched in quill onto the back of The Iliad.
FIRST DAM—Bucky Jeavers ‘25 was elated upon the hard launch of this academic year’s theme, “The Indispensable Condition: Freedom of Expression at Cornell”. Unfortunately, his excitement was short-lived as he soon faced public scrutiny for his expression of foaming at the mouth and hydrophobia.
Preparing for the fall semester, Jeavers partook in a longstanding tradition among the Cornell student body: a refreshing, rejuvenating dip in the waters of Six Mile Creek. Contrary to what the masses are saying, his Immunization Record was fully up to date, as his Fall Checklist had long been completed. A bite from some small woodland creature may go unnoticed by many, as it did Jeavers. Scared, alone, and in need of a friend, he tried to reach out to his peers but was only met with fear and indignity. In his most vulnerable state, his freedom was dispensed and his expression conditional.
Never was Bucky thanked for his contributions to Ithaca’s magnificent biodiversity. Nary a round of praise nor word of affirmation for the rustic and detail-oriented dams he has constructed. But some uncharacteristically erratic behavior and a bite or two sent the whistleblowers flocking to the media outlets. The defamation of Bucky’s character cannot be undone, but if anything comes of his harrowing story, perhaps it is every Ithacan’s civic duty to ponder: would you not have done the same if you had rabies?
As Bucky Jeavers was dragged away for relentless testing by the NYS Department of Environmental Conservation, he provided his first and only official statement to the public: “gnamnamgnam tstskstkst huhuoooowwweee [gnam] rrrrrhooooo huhhuuh rrrrugnam stskustsksk.”
COLLEGETOWN—Saturday night festivities were in full swing last week and while some were busy with unproductive activities such as drinking and drugs, others were making some very public money moves. Power couple Angela Henderson ’25 and Eli Wilson ’24 spent their evening at Hideaway in a dark corner locking lips and grinding with abandon.
“Some may have signed your lease for next year. Others are on track to graduate a semester early. But you’re not really thinking about your future until you have considered the college prospects of your future children,” explained a smug Angela. “I mean, Cornell could be doing away with legacy admissions every day, so if you’re not actively working towards creating the perfect candidate for admissions, at all times, regardless of who else is watching, you’re a failure.”
Patrons report that when the two were not occupied by heavy petting sessions, Henderson and Wilson were bragging about having it all.
“So many people say that you can’t party and prepare for your future in college,” declared Wilson. “But by coming here tonight, Angela and I are proving that not only can we do both, we can do it in front of you.”
Wilson and Henderson are planning to announce baby Ezra’s summer 2042 internship with Goldman Sachs soon.
KLARMAN HALL—As a result of their loss in the quarterfinals, the middle-aged members of the Cornell men’s hockey team have begun attending GOVT1322: Introductory Governance lectures once again.
“I was super intimidated the first day of school when I walked into a bunch of grown men sitting in the back row,” said Grace Cortez ‘26. “This is stereotypically a freshman class, so I figured it’d be mostly teenagers. Imagine my shock when I discovered that you can be a first-year pushing 40, so long as you can prance on ice.”
Classes popular with the men’s hockey team, such as GOVT1322, tend to look completely different based on whether or not the players decide to attend. Sociologists and demographers alike have looked into this issue and how it affects classroom composition and dynamics.
“The median age in the room increases by about 10 years,” explained Policy Analysis and Management Professor Brendan Pierre, who was asked to give his insight on the shifting demographics of these classes post-season. “The probability that students are older than the graduate teaching assistants surges. And if the conditions are severe enough, it is more likely than not that the class will witness one person’s genuine mid-life crisis before the end of the semester.”
Although the influx of millennials in lecture was certainly a cause of concern for many students, it was later reported that their cumulative attendance quickly plummeted to zero after their first class back.
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—This Monday, exactly 20 years after the U.S. invasion of Iraq caused countless deaths, Cornell Republicans are celebrating this victory of conservative policy by declaring publicly that Morrison staff are preparing a weapon to destroy all of mankind.
“We have reliable intelligence that suggests Morrison stir fry is actually made with 95% enriched uranium,” alleged junior Reagan Smith. “This stir fry is a threat to our way of life as Cornellians. Of course, Okenshields also has stir fry, and has served it for years, but that was frankly very good and necessary to prevent a line of one hundred thousand Americans. Morrison stir fry, on the other hand, is a threat to West Campus civilization and must be stopped.”
The Cornell Republicans have provided an ultimatum to Cornell’s community, pledging to invade Morrison at midnight Thursday unless Cornell Dining took stir fry off the menu, replaced it with boiled, unseasoned mashed potatoes, and granted them veto power over the menu. Several student groups were asked to form an alliance, a request which confused various groups.
“The Republicans told us that if we didn’t join them in invading Morrison, we would be traitors to Western campus culture,” explained Jaques Dubois, president of Cornell’s French Society. “We told them that breaking into Morrison would violate the Student Code of Conduct, but they pointed out that the SCC was not legally binding and that they could do what they wanted. When we refused to join them, they demanded Cornell Dining take all French food off the menu.”
Sources within Cornell Republicans claimed to have swiped into Morrison and noticed they were not serving stir fry last night. This prompted the club to declare victory, but keep invasion forces ready in case it returns.
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—After three consecutive years of run-on sentences, one Daily Sun columnist has discovered a new way to pause.
“For years, I’ve been finishing sentences with periods,” said James Stoll ‘23. “Then, my editor told me that my sentences were going on too long and that I needed to find a way to work pauses in there. They told me there was this thing with one period on top of another period called a colon. Unfortunately that didn’t seem to fix much, since it could only really fit in when I was writing lists. But then they told me there was a way to separate independent clauses with only half a colon, and I had to ask, what was the other half? They told me the other half of a semicolon was a comma and that it could separate dependent clauses! That’s wild!”
Following this, Stoll began to use commas in every piece they wrote. Unfortunately, his editor believes he has begun to overuse the punctuation mark.
“His last article was six pages and one sentence long,” complained Ash Sentry ‘24. “Listen to this: ‘I was by a park, which was neat, and then I ran into this professor, who seemed pretty grumpy, and I asked him which department he was from, assuming it was CAS, which he did not like, and then he walked out on me, which I saw as an opportunity.’ I had to edit that sentence alone to make it halfway coherent and it’s still painful to read. I think he might be addicted to commas, but I guess our style guide can’t cover everything.”
As of writing, the Daily Sun has introduced measures to the style guide to mandate writers end sentences a minimum of two times per article.
ITHACA, NY—Cornell University President Martha Pollack’s decision not to suspend classes on Presidents’ Day has drawn fierce criticism from concerned patriots across campus.
“President Pollack has brought shame to this institution by disrespecting the legacies of three of our nation’s presidents,” said George Ramirez ‘23, spokesperson for the Cornell Historical Society. “By not celebrating this most sacred of American holidays, President Pollack shows a blatant disregard for our past leaders: George Washington, whose birthday is the basis for Presidents’ Day; Abraham Lincoln, whose February 12th birthday we combine with Washington’s; and Lyndon Johnson, whose Uniform Monday Holiday Act established the celebration of Washington’s Birthday on the third Monday in February. In this way, President Pollack is King George III, John Wilkes Booth, and the Vietnam War all rolled into one.”
Many students had strong reactions to Pollack’s decision.
“The fact that President Pollack would disrespect Lincoln’s legacy like this is especially disgusting given how Cornell plasters the year ‘1865’ everywhere,” said Hillary Ryan ‘25. “It’s like they want to rub it in that he’s dead.”
“There’s something sinister going on here,” claimed Jason Reynolds ‘24. “Pollack wants us to forget all about Presidents’ Day. Because if we can’t remember any American presidents, who is there left to be President? That’s right: President Martha E. Pollack.”
Risley Hall resident Sherman Gilmore ‘26 defended Pollack’s decision. “While I don’t agree with his actions later in life, John Wilkes Booth was a very talented actor. As a Performing and Media Arts major myself, when Martha murdered the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, I felt represented.”
Faced with tough questions about her decision, Pollack reportedly shouted “sic semper tyrannis” before jumping off stage and running away. At press time, Pollack and co-conspirator Ryan Lombardi were barricaded in a Northern Virginia barn, engaged in a standoff with the US Army.