Tag Archives: Ithaca

Inflammatory Bowel Research Center Full of Shit

WEILL COLLEGE OF MEDICINE — A steaming report by the university’s Office of Research Integrity and Assurance found that the Jill Roberts Center for Inflammatory Bowel Disease has been spewing crap for years. “We knew something stank in that institute,” said Juliet McCaughlin, Cornell’s ethics investigator. “As it turns out, Read More

Waffle Frolic Owner at Apple Fest Slips on Amish Bonnet in Attempt to Justify Higher Prices

THE COMMONS—After he saw 20-minutes lines for Apple Fest-goers to pay $2 for a single apple cider donut made by members of a local Amish community this past weekend, owner of local restaurant Waffle Frolic Johnny Clotter was observed putting on an Amish-style bonnet in hopes that the aesthetic would Read More

Anthropology Student’s Question Clearly Influenced By Episode of Ancient Aliens

Morrill Hall—During his Introduction to Anthropology discussion section earlier this week, Kevin Quoc ‘22 reportedly veered off-track from the assigned readings and began a line of inquiry closely drawing on an episode of the hit History Channel show, “Ancient Aliens.” When the TA asked if anyone had questions about the Read More

Pathetic Waste of Space Thinks Staying in Ithaca Over Break Was Fun

Ithaca NY—After many of her friends returned to campus from their marvelous spring break adventures around the globe, one pathetic student actually enjoyed her time staying in Ithaca over the break. Even though she never drank the finest wines or had passionate flings with the hottest men the world had Read More

Cornell to Begin Construction on $100 Million New Gorge Connecting Fall Creek and Cascadilla

BAKER ARCH—This morning President Martha Pollack announced that the University will begin immediate construction on an ambitious $100 million gorge which will connect Fall Creek to Cascadilla. “While I understand that some students may want these millions of dollars to go to our underfunded mental health services or our critical Read More

Sickly, Depressing Vegetation Lets Returning Student Know She’s Almost Back to Cornell After Break

NEW YORK INTERSTATE ROUTE 81–Noting the increasingly withered and gray vegetation outside the car window, Sarah Pewter ‘20 remarked to her friends that they must be nearing Ithaca on their return trip from Fall Break. “Look at all the trees in that field that are all shriveled up and don’t Read More

Ithaca City Officials Hoping Next Weekend’s Onionfest as Successful as Applefest

ITHACA COMMONS—Following this weekend’s tremendously successful Applefest, city officials are looking forward to similar turnout for next weekend’s onion-themed festivities. Concessions will include “onion cider, onion mac and cheese, onion sauce, onion donuts, and sweet, sweet onion pies!” according to Brandon Wiseman, chairperson of the New York State Onion Association. Read More

Ithaca Landlords Prepare for Annual Withholding of Security Deposits

COLLEGETOWN—Following a money bath and roundtable discussion on how to best avoid fixing clogged sinks, Ithaca landlords commenced their annual withholding of security deposits. “Alright everyone, it’s our favorite time of year again,” said collegetown landlord Steve Faramise, “Let’s all practice listing reasons why our tenants cannot receive their security Read More

Area Nudist Has Change of Heart After Cornell Fashion Show

Photo from the Cornell Daily Sun BARTON HALL—After a turbulent runway performance from the Cornell Fashion Collective’s talented designers, local Ithaca nudist Trevor Climpman found himself having a change of heart about his decision to abandon all forms of clothing. “The outfits were just so beautiful that it made me Read More

Student Dreads Return Home to Her Fighting Hamsters Over Break

WESTCHESTER, NY—Freshman Jasper Griffith ‘21 would rather stay in Ithaca over break, but is instead reluctantly returning home to visit her bickering hamsters, Martha and Lance. “My house just doesn’t feel like a home anymore. It’s a cold atmosphere. Martha and Lance can’t stop fighting, and it’s ripping my family Read More