And How Urgent Is This Issue?” Says Landlord After Microwave Begins Leaking Sewage

STEWART AVE—Kyle Wilson 24’ had only just returned from winter break when he discovered a putrid goop oozing from his kitchen microwave.  “It had the aroma of warm fecal matter with notes of cinnamon,” recounted Wilson, a current Wines student. “I called the landlord four times before getting through–by that point, the leak had burned…

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God Commands Frat Bro to Build An Ark before Darty Foam Floods Collegetown

COLLEGETOWN–Noah Adamson ‘25, a new initiate at Delta Phi Chi fraternity, had hoped that his earthly horrors would cease after the pledging process. Yet, Noah’s mortal suffering has only heightened after a slightly-more-disturbing-than-normal Darty experience.  After crushing 3 soapy cherry flavored white claws, Noah claims to have been spoken to by a burning keg. Our…

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Freshman Switches Major, Career Path, Name, Religion, and Sexuality After Inspiring Coffee Chat

SAGE ATRIUM—When Walter Pinker ‘27 emerged from his consulting club coffee chat with Isabella Mendez ‘26, he didn’t want to be a Classics major anymore. In fact, he also did not want to be straight, Catholic, white, or Walter, adopting the temporary moniker “WaPi” (wha-pee, something “more exotic”) while he positions himself to be the…

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Overachievers? Couple in The Back of Hideaway Already Busy Making Double Legacies

COLLEGETOWN—Saturday night festivities were in full swing last week and while some were busy with unproductive activities such as drinking and drugs, others were making some very public money moves. Power couple Angela Henderson ’25 and Eli Wilson ’24 spent their evening at Hideaway in a dark corner locking lips and grinding with abandon.  “Some…

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Cornell Republicans Celebrate 20th Anniversary Of Iraq War, Declare Morrison Stir Fry “Weapon of Mass Destruction”

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—This Monday, exactly 20 years after the U.S. invasion of Iraq caused  countless deaths, Cornell Republicans are celebrating this victory of conservative policy by declaring publicly that Morrison staff are preparing a weapon to destroy all of mankind. “We have reliable intelligence that suggests Morrison stir fry is actually made with 95% enriched…

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John Wilkes Booth? Martha Doesn’t Give Us Presidents’ Day Off

ITHACA, NY—Cornell University President Martha Pollack’s decision not to suspend classes on Presidents’ Day has drawn fierce criticism from concerned patriots across campus. “President Pollack has brought shame to this institution by disrespecting the legacies of three of our nation’s presidents,” said George Ramirez ‘23, spokesperson for the Cornell Historical Society. “By not celebrating this…

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