SCHOELLKOPF FIELD–While homecoming weekend is an exciting time for all students, surely no one is anticipating it more than Casey Gable ‘25, a football player who derives sexual gratification from being publicly humiliated.
“I love it when the whole stadium has their eyes on me in my tight little shorts,” groaned Gable, already sweating through his jersey despite being benched the entirety of practice. “I’ll wait till I’m a few yards from the end zone and then drop the ball through my naughty, naughty fingers. Maybe the referee will even call me a bad boy. Normally I’m a wide receiver, but let’s just say I’ll be a tight end tomorrow.”
Despite consistently ruining the dreams of inebriated students and washed-up investment bankers desperately reliving the glory days alike, Gable maintains that he’s seen nothing but benefits from his career of erotic failure.
“People ask me if I have a hard time making friends when I have such an obvious, life-consuming fetish, but on the Cornell football team I fit right in. Why else would everyone keep fumbling, missing extra points, and letting the opposing team plow through our defense like a car at a full crosswalk in Collegetown? There’s no way Cornell accidentally recruited that many bad players,” said Gable, who is not on speaking terms with any other members of the team.
Gable concluded by stating that at least he was “nowhere near as freaky” as “that furry in the bear suit.”
ARTS QUAD–“Wow! Isn’t she so beautiful?” says a salivating Fredirck Wiles ‘25 over Caroline Naderi ‘24, who has been assigned to be the face of the “ground-breaking, barrier-smashing, revolutionary club,” as she has just been granted permission to exit her storage closet.
Engineering project teams across campus have been concerned about their ratio, and the Cornell Hydroelectric Parasailing Squad, commonly known as HydroeleCorn, is no different. Naderi was transported out of her designated living space in order to show a woman’s face at the team’s information session.
“The public has been really enjoying our addition of a wo- I mean Caroline,” says Wiles. “The squad has been fervently dedicated to the idea of women being capable, and we demonstrate that by being understanding of a woman’s needs!” Wiles proceeded to spoon feed the tied-up Naderi.
“I have been trying to connect with my feminine wiles recently,” says HydroeleCorn member Wilson Donnelly ‘23. “I did my homework. I threw up. And that was that.”
“I can feel how I belong in this club with all the broads here. My absolute fave is…Karolien? Carolyn?” says Donnelly. “Anyways, I have been quite enthralled by the fact that she has opinions about life and death. I am very, very enthralled. We have had some issues with our HydroVehicle, and I know that, I get it. Bitch. She keeps telling me but I KNOW! We are a project team that values equality, and Caroline proves that. Thank you for the interview.”
Caroline Naderi declined to comment.
NORTH CAMPUS–Cornell Housing and Residential Life left many students hot and bothered this Monday after announcing that all residents of air conditioned dorms would be issued a complimentary monocle and butler to distinguish them from the uncooled masses.
“Although Cornell has a proud 150-year history of prioritizing privileged students at the expense of their disadvantaged classmates, there is one group of elites who has not yet received proper recognition: students with air conditioning,” the announcement read. “Through the simple act of reappropriating all financial aid money to purchase servants and novelty eyewear, we have finally corrected Cornell’s greatest injustice.”
The proclamation has caused quite a hullabaloo among members of the air-conditioned gentry, who have cheered the news more heartily than a repeal of child labor laws for coal mines.
“It’s high time such a boon was granted to members of the conditioned class!” ballyhooed Josiah Fauntleroy ‘26, facial muscles straining to hold his Big Red monocle. “It’s so draining being accosted by peasantry wishing to discuss matters like ‘sweat’ and ‘heat’ when a distinguished gentleman like myself has no knowledge of these afflictions! The public has no idea how we suffer–” Fauntleroy suddenly turned to his new butler: “I say, not enough sugar in this tea, old chap!” The butler quickly retreated to procure a refreshment more befitting his master.
Shortly afterward, Housing and Residential Life sent a follow-up email promising mandatory dunce caps and clown noses for all Low Rise inhabitants.
WEST CAMPUS—Students on West Campus awoke this morning to a startling and deeply disturbing sight: Libe Slope.
“I really thought it would’ve eroded by now,” said Earth Sciences junior Thomas Fieldston. “I mean, you’ve got students marching on it all day, crazy unpredictable weather, and Goldwin Smith, which has gotta weigh a ton.”
Students are so disappointed by the slope’s continued existence that they are willing to take its removal into their own hands.
“My daddy owns a few construction companies, so I’ve asked the administration if he can bulldoze the Slope,” commented Dyson sophomore Natalie Mason. “Either that or they let him build a ski lift. My quads are getting too big from hiking to class.” When asked why she didn’t consider alternative travel methods such as the TCAT or a car, Mason described the bus as “embarrassing” and said she “would totally drive” but is “from Manhattan so [she doesn’t] have a license.”
While most students approved of Mason’s proposal, a few outliers opposed any change to Libe’s incredible size.
“It’s inspirational for me, you know?” said Hotelie sophomore Jared Smalls. “To see it every morning, standing so large and robust against the unending barrage.” He wiped a single tear from his cheek before continuing: “It’s just lasted so long.”
FRANK MORRISON HALL—Animal Science Professor Dr. Cleetus Conroy came under fire from campus critics this week after the revelation that his long standing relationship with one of the lab’s research cows began when she was only a calf. While many had looked fondly upon the human-cattle couple, this new discovery has ignited a hotbed of debate surrounding the pair.
“It’s so easy to judge from afar,” said Dr. Conroy, smiling sweetly towards his bovine lover. “Randie and I have an unspoken bond between us, one that connects her cow soul to my human one. I mean, age is just a number, and species is just a bunch of latin gobbledygook.”
While Dr. Conroy maintains that he waited until the ‘appropriate’ time to begin their relationship, other members of the lab claim that the romance began while Randie was still sucking colostrum. In addition, lab employees have accused Dr. Conroy of inappropriate conduct, making crass comments, and “excessive milking.”
“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” stated Randie, in what Dr. Conroy explained was an impassioned proclamation of the love that they shared for one another. Dr. Conroy then placed his arm around the cow’s midsection in a manner that can only be described as “uncomfortable”.
Despite remaining committed to one another throughout the ongoing scandal, the couple’s relationship is reportedly on the rocks after Dr. Conroy was spotted whispering sweet nothings into the ear of a particularly plump rooster.
BAKER LAB — Students looking to get their PE requirement out of the way quickly have a new option: trekking to the third floor of Baker Lab. While most students opt to casually bowl twice a week to fulfill the University’s Physical Education requirement, those willing to challenge themselves can instead choose to conquer the treacherous Baker Hill.
The strenuous hike is certainly not for everyone, with many people reporting symptoms of shortness of breath, intense sweat, and an urge to never attend class again. As Reese Anderson ‘25 put it, “Marching up the hill is one thing, but entering that sweltering building, climbing up three flights of stairs, and throwing yourself at the first chair available in lecture is a taxing and downright demeaning ordeal.”
But some students were happy to report that they were more than up for the challenge. “At first I was really confused as to why my history class was in a science building, and was kind of annoyed,” remarked Molly Egan ‘26. “But then I realized that I was getting two required classes out of the way in one shot.”
When asked if she planned on going back to Baker after successfully completing the arduous journey, Egan quickly began ranting about “goddamn overachievers” who would continue to walk up to class after the first day.
COMMONS–Following hundreds of allegations that Starbucks is discriminating against workers for their race, gender identity, and sex, the company has responded with a promise to fire all those groups at an equal rate if the company suspects they support the union.
“Starbucks is committed to equality,” claimed CEO Howard Schultz. “I hate the idea of any of our partners feeling disrespected due to their identities. We’ve put millions of dollars into advertising our commitment to diversity–and sure, we could’ve spent that money actually building support systems, but that’s not the point. The point is that regardless of your identity, if we so much as see you looking at a union organizer we’ll take you off the company roster faster than we force our baristas to work during an understaffed lunch rush.”
“I think the most honest part of this pledge is the admission that none of their previous projects have even come close to promoting equality,” argued one anonymous worker in the Commons Starbucks location. “They ran a “#RaceTogether campaign a few years back where they asked us to randomly start conversations about systemic racism while handing customers their morning coffee, which is a horrible strategy if you want a nuanced discussion about hegemonic power structures in this country, but a fantastic strategy to get workers harassed.”
Asked to comment on the Commons employee’s criticisms, Schultz frantically asked, “Which store did you say?” and immediately called his lawyer. The next day Starbucks announced its intentions to close the Commons location due to “long standing issues that have nothing to do with unions we promise.”
NORTH CAMPUS–During a wave of midnight calls to RAs following freshmen locking themselves out of their rooms, one new student’s innovation has impressed residential staff campuswide by managing to lock themselves inside their room.
“Honestly, this is just impressive,” remarked James Lansing ‘23, an RA in the new Ruth Bader Ginsburg Hall. “We’ve had hundreds of lockouts so far this year, and you get to the point where it all blends together. A kid forgets their keys going for a shower, they leave their card in their room to get dinner, been there done that. But this is straight up befuddling. How did she get into her room and then lock herself in? Did she slide the keys out under the door? Why does her door even lock from the outside in the first place?! ”
After several hours seeking guidance from building care and maintenance staff, the University concluded that the lock-in was the result of a door lock being accidentally installed inside-out. Anyone could open the door from the outside, but the inside would lock automatically unless the user disengaged the lock intentionally, a feature Housing and Residential Life described as “unique.”
“I’m telling you I didn’t do anything wrong,” insisted Alana Daniels ‘26. “I followed the signs and I made sure to carefully follow the rules my RA gave me, and I always have my keys with me unless I’m in my room or I think of something cooler to carry through the dorms like a massive bottle of Smirnoff. But apparently that wasn’t enough! I’m sick of these RAs treating freshmen like some kind of burden. All they have to do is repeatedly show us how to use doors, clean up after us in the bathrooms, and help us make friends, but they act like they’re our mothers or something.”
Five minutes after the door was fixed by maintenance, Daniels called her RA to report a lockout and request a temporary access card.
After lodging in the Stater Hotel during move-in, Dr. Justine Quality-Inn Ph.D. ’94, mother of Alex Quality-Inn ’24, informed her daughter that the hotel was “not bad for Upstate,” but was no match for the hotels Alex will one day inherit.
“This is fine, I guess,” says Alex. “My mom told me I should expect those metal heater things. But I think that because I have that hotel name, I’ll be able to score the heaters where I get to decide the temperature, even if it’s U.S. imperial.”
“My mommy told me the thread count on the sheets, which I was pretty disappointed about, but it was fine I guess. It’s okay because it’s 500+ threads, whatever that means,” says a morose Qualityinn, who has been resting on 1500 her whole life.
However, as the Statler possesses neither a pot filler nor garbage disposal, Dr. Quality-Inn has decided to relocate to a Super8 in order to have a truly high-class experience.
ITHACA—With less than a week until graduation, the class of 2022 has been feeling sentimental, especiallysenior Michael Cohan who claims to “want to savor every moment” and do so by partying hard enough to be blacked out the entire week.
“These are the last days I’ll have with my best friends,” lamented Cohan. “No more watching the sunset from the roof, no more late nights cramming for an exam, no more midnight 7/11 runs. I don’t want to forget a single second.” Cohan paused and took a large swig of a handle of vodka at his hip, before vomiting his entire lunch onto Linden Ave and collapsing from dehydration.
Senior week, the week between the end of final exams and graduation, is a time of celebration for graduates and for parties that start during the day and continue throughout the night, accompanied by copious amounts of alcohol. When asked about his senior week plans, Cohan replied that he was “planning to go through a case a day.”
“Yeah he’s not going to remember anything,” commented Winston Popperfield ‘22, one of Cohan’s housemates. “He stopped drinking water two days ago so that he can save room for more alcohol. It’ll be a miracle if he remembers graduation, or even makes it to graduation. But hey, at least he’ll be having fun.”
At press time, Cohan had no recollection of this interview.