Hypocrites? Rabid Beaver Not Feeling Free Nor Indispensable

FIRST DAM—Bucky Jeavers ‘25 was elated upon the hard launch of this academic year’s theme, “The Indispensable Condition: Freedom of Expression at Cornell”. Unfortunately, his excitement was short-lived as he soon faced public scrutiny for his expression of foaming at the mouth and hydrophobia.

Preparing for the fall semester, Jeavers partook in a longstanding tradition among the Cornell student body: a refreshing, rejuvenating dip in the waters of Six Mile Creek. Contrary to what the masses are saying, his Immunization Record was fully up to date, as his Fall Checklist had long been completed. A bite from some small woodland creature may go unnoticed by many, as it did Jeavers. Scared, alone, and in need of a friend, he tried to reach out to his peers but was only met with fear and indignity. In his most vulnerable state, his freedom was dispensed and his expression conditional.

Never was Bucky thanked for his contributions to Ithaca’s magnificent biodiversity. Nary a round of praise nor word of affirmation for the rustic and detail-oriented dams he has constructed. But some uncharacteristically erratic behavior and a bite or two sent the whistleblowers flocking to the media outlets. The defamation of Bucky’s character cannot be undone, but if anything comes of his harrowing story, perhaps it is every Ithacan’s civic duty to ponder: would you not have done the same if you had rabies?

As Bucky Jeavers was dragged away for relentless testing by the NYS Department of Environmental Conservation, he provided his first and only official statement to the public: “gnamnamgnam tstskstkst huhuoooowwweee [gnam] rrrrrhooooo huhhuuh rrrrugnam stskustsksk.”