Cornell Introduces New “Sluggish Tests” That Provide Results in 15 Days

DAY HALL—Students across campus have been left in suspense after administration announced that Ithaca campus residents are now required to take “sluggish tests” that produce results in fifteen days. 

“Sluggish tests are the perfect diagnostic tool for this stage of the pandemic,” attested President Pollack via email. “In a mere fifteen days, they inform students whether they were safe to socialize two weeks ago or if they have exposed their entire social circle to COVID, with an astonishing 67% accuracy. We believe these sluggish tests will be key to reopening campus within the next fourteen years.”

Unlike the sluggish tests, President Pollack moved quickly to shut down criticism of the new testing regimen.

“Many students have asked why we would switch to sluggish tests when there are faster and more accurate COVID tests available,” the email continued. “In the interest of providing students with a sense of stability in this unpredictable pandemic, we have decided to lower COVID testing to the level of the rest of our ineffective and bogged-down healthcare system. Additionally, the money saved on tests can go to more urgent matters, such as our seventh continuous semester of construction on North Campus.”

The email concluded by cautioning students that due to server outages at Cayuga Medical Center, students may not receive their results for up to three months.

Martha Pollack Under Fire For Wagering Cornell Endowment at Dog Fight

DAY HALL—President Martha Pollack has drawn scrutiny across campus this weekend after details have emerged that link the president to a high-stakes dog fighting ring. Although early reports had indicated that Pollack is someone of a regular at the fights, the true extent of her involvement is only just beginning to be revealed.

“Oh yeah, Money Making Martha is here all the time,” said source Vichael Mick, who supposedly runs the ring, “Triple-M doesn’t fuck around when it comes to her puppies or her bread. She makes it very clear that she only breeds winners since she is about her paper.”

According to sources close to the situation, the fights began around 9:45 on Saturday evening, taking place behind the Regal Cinema at Ithaca Mall. A group of students who had been enjoying a showing of Dune noticed a commotion behind a group of cars and as they approached the sound of barking became increasingly louder.

“It was terrifying, the dogs were so loud and violent,” said Daniel Hoal ‘23, “but the really upsetting part was seeing President Pollack get so animated about the fight. She was screaming and cursing at her pitbull, who seemed to have lost the first fight.”

Pollack reportedly then started trying to cut deals and then offered double or nothing odds for another round. After they didn’t accept her offer, Pollack was said to have told them that she would wager the university’s endowment, which currently stands around $10 billion.

It would appear that Pollack’s pooch ultimately won the fight, as President Pollack was seen walking the dog (a three-year-old female pitbull named Bonecrusher) around the Arts Quad on Sunday evening.

Campus to Introduce Permanent Patch Of Dirt With A Few Trucks On It

ARTS QUAD—In an announcement that sent shockwaves throughout campus, President Martha Pollack unveiled construction plans for a new dusty home for minimally labeled and questionably permitted trucks in the middle of the arts quad.

“We really wanted to spruce up the place,” wrote Pollack in her Monday morning email, “I kept looking at all that expansive grass out there and couldn’t help but think it needed something more—something which had a humble pizzazz, something which has individuality: an avant-garde installation which a student of the arts could appreciate.”

Named after the donors who will fund the $2 million project, the William and Florence Frenk Dirt-Truck Patch follows the success of North Campus’s Risley Dirt-Truck Patch, although this addition will be far less dominated by rocks and will try to improve the dirt’s sandiness. However, the university has decided to continue to use an array of white Ford F150 pickup trucks.

“The purpose of this project is not to merely tantalize the human eye but to make its viewer ask questions, which in a way, are reflections of the subjectivity of our existence. Does the caution tape outlining only one part of one edge of the patch mean you can walk through it if needed, or not? Why is there a man in a hard hat just sort of pacing around the trucks for hours on end some days? Why are there no license plates? These questions all have no concrete answers to them—your own conclusions, however, will mimic your inner self.”

Construction on the project will tentatively begin next week and continue into the spring of 2031.

Pollack Won’t Commit to Peaceful Transition to Online Learning if Cuomo Declares Shutdown

DAY HALL—In a press conference this Tuesday, University President Martha Pollack refused to guarantee a peaceful shutdown of in-person learning if Governor Andrew Cuomo says COVID cases exceed the maximum limit. 

“Well, we’ll have to see what happens,” said a defiant Pollack. “You know, I always say there’s a problem with how they count cases. You have in-person testing. And then you have mail-in testing. It’s just totally illegal. A huge disaster.” 

When asked about what a sudden transition to online classes would look like, the President opted to deny the possibility of any shutdown whatsoever. 

“Look, I want a smooth, beautiful transition, but when the case numbers and the system are rigged?” said Pollack, standing maskless in front of a podium as key advisors Ryan Lombardi and Michael Kotlikoff looked on. “We do want a very friendly transition. It’ll be a tremendous transition, probably the best transition in history. But we don’t want to be cheated, especially not by Sleepy Andy.”

President Pollack’s team later clarified that she was “just joking” and added that interested students could learn more about her online learning plans during her daily phone-in with Fox & Friends. 

Pollack Sends Draft of Campus-Wide Email to Admin Groupchat to Check “If It Looks Okay”

DAY HALL—Cornell University President and former linguistics major Martha Pollack hit up the groupchat composed of Cornell’s most high-profile administrators to check her spelling on the latest solemn missive to the campus community and “make sure the vibes aren’t off.”

“It was like 1am, and all of a sudden I get this notification. It’s a snippet of her draft email in Outlook 365. And it’s like, dude, you were supposed to have sent this out this afternoon! But I did her a solid and responded with a heart reaction and pointed out she used “Cornellians” three times in one paragraph,” said Joel Malina, Vice President for University Relations.

“I just dropped a compliment when I woke up and saw the message in the morning,” said Madelyn Wessel, who occupies the role of both University Counsel and Pollack’s #1 hype woman. “Thirty thousand plus people are going to receive the email, and at least a thousand of them are going to actually read it; mostly the nerds. That’s a lot of pressure. One misplaced word will be the subject of Guest Room articles and Letters to the Editor for the next month.”  

“It came in all weird and pixelated on my phone,” explained Ryan Lombardi, Vice President for Student and Campus Life. “Maybe it’s because I have an Android? I said ‘looks good,’ but honestly, I didn’t read it. I have my own campus-wide email to work on!”

When asked for comment, the Office of the University President clarified that President Pollack receiving proofreading help from her colleagues is in no way a violation of the academic integrity policy, “unlike the obvious outfit copying that Madelyn has been engaging in.”

 

Students Eager to Return to Newly Financially-Stable ‘Cornell University, A Pepsi Company’

DAY HALL—Following a surprise press conference Thursday morning, university stakeholders are reportedly responding positively to President Martha Pollack’s announcement that PepsiCo has officially acquired Cornell University in a deal that has rebalanced the university’s finances amid a period of great economic uncertainty. 

University stakeholders have been weighing in from all sides with overwhelmingly favorable responses to the acquisition by the global beverage and snack food conglomerate. 

“Do I think this will change things around here? Sure. But honestly, changes will mostly be on the administrative side. I doubt students will even notice,” said Dr. Peter Thompson, the Mountain Dew Kickstart Professor of Romance Languages and member of the Quaker Oats Faculty Senate. 

The acquisition, occurring for an undisclosed amount, is expected to greatly ease previously anticipated financial hardship for the university while also providing new financial aid programs for students. 

“I think this deal will create great new opportunities for students once we get back to campus,” offered Kimberly Rojas, a freshman CS major and recipient of the inaugural Stacy’s Pita Chips Prize for Women of Color in STEM.

“We saw a great deal of alignment between Cornell and our portfolio of other products that, if not consumed in careful moderation, pose extreme health risks to our consumers,” said Bruce Jasper, Senior Brand Director at PepsiCo and newly-appointed member of the Naked [Juice] Board of Trustees. “With the looming financial troubles being faced by the University and our desire to diversify our product mix, this was really a win-win deal.” 

As of press time, PepsiCo shareholders, concerned about the acquisition’s impact on quarterly earnings, successfully petitioned the Board of Trustees to immediately end all humanities programs.

‘Sometimes, Even the Best Things Must Come to an End’ Murmurs Martha Pollack on What Could be Her Final Nude Strolls Across Deserted Campus

CORNELL BOTANIC GARDENS—During what could be her last naked jaunt through the largely abandoned Ithaca campus, Cornell President Martha Pollack was heard ruminating to herself, “well, we all knew it couldn’t be like this forever.”  

Amid the rush of eager students returning to move out of off-campus housing, and a significant contingent of the Class of 2020 desperate to attain some semblance of a senior week, the campus has slowly begun to fill out with more members of the Cornell community. Delivering an address from the middle of the Botanic Gardens during an unclothed trek across the grounds, President Pollack gave some thoughts on the changes to campus and college.

“No one can ever predict the future, especially not in the middle of a pandemic, but it is always important to look on the bright side and find the little things to keep you going in the face of adversity.” Pollack said, her luscious body glistening in the afternoon light. “I know how positive these walks have been for me, but it is a testament to the Cornell spirit that we are able to adapt to whatever life throws at us,” the president continued, before letting out a long sigh and then reaching around to remove a leaf that had stuck itself to her bodacious behind.  

While the influx of students may pose a logistical challenge to the president’s walks, she has expressed her resourcefulness in adjusting her schedule for the future. “I look forward to seeing how I can continue to take my walks at night, with the cloak of nightfall the only cover my supple, bare flesh shall receive.”

CU Nooz Presents: 161 Things Every Cornellian Should Do Online

  1. Make your bedroom into your bedroom and have sex in your bedroom
  2. Finally read the entirety of a dazzling Denice Cassaro email out of sheer boredom
  3. Livestream the Cornell-Harvard Men’s Hockey game and throw fish at your computer screen
  4. Irresponsibly take off to NYC for Spring Break and become a vector for viral spread
  5. Fall down the stairs when you try to walk down them after not moving for five days straight
  6. Take Hotel Administration 4300: Introduction to Wines entirely sober
  7. Streak from the shower to your bedroom
  8. Enroll in BIOEE 1540: Introductory Oceanography as a joke, then fall in love with Bruce Monger and attend every class, then realize there will be no more in-person lectures and drop the class
  9. Test out the musical calibration of your walls by throwing random shit at them
  10. Eat takeout sushi with your parents and pretend to yourself that you are doing a sake bomb
  11. Reluctantly try the shitty store brand ice cream that was left on the supermarket shelf
  12. Break out the ol’ bunk beds and climb to the top bunk to watch a lecture
  13. Listen to the muffled music coming from your sister’s room and try to guess what song she’s playing
  14. Check if CTB can deliver to your house, even though you live approx. 2K miles away 
  15. Pre-enroll for classes you’re excited to take; switch all of them to S/U by the extended deadline
  16. Attend your zoom lecture in heels… just heels
  17. Look out your bedroom window to see the two stars visible through light pollution
  18. Drink like it’s Slope Day in March
  19. Stick your hand inside a large bag of chips
  20. Whip a frisbee as hard as you can at your Macbook Pro
  21. Leave your bottle of Bacardi in the ground and return next fall to find it blossomed into a beautiful Bacardi tree
  22. Observe the golden hour when f.lux kicks in
  23. Skype in with your MacBook 
  24. Catfish your professor
  25. Bomb an online prelim
  26. Realize you can just Google every answer on your next one
  27. Miss Hotelie Prom four years after you skipped your high school’s 
  28. Be glad knowing your social distancing from Happy Dave keeps him safe
  29. Take your temperature 3 times in 2 days because your parents are paranoid
  30. Get heartburn from sitting and eating junk food in your room all day
  31. Spend a summer in Ithaca because you can’t go home
  32. Host a Shabbat dinner for your confused family
  33. Trip on psychedelics; imagine you’re following a dragon around your neighborhood 
  34. Walk out of your house and go straight to your nationally-mandated ration distribution site
  35. Count how many penises end up in Zoom backgrounds in your online lectures
  36. Attempt a YouTube-inspired “glam emerald forest faerie <3” makeup look, take a few selfies, think about how you wasted 4 hours of your life to look like Shrek, remove your makeup and go back to bed like the purposeless person you are
  37. Realize how much you love your parents, and how much they love you 
  38. Quickly realize how much you hate them actually 
  39. Go on a wine stay
  40. Take a walk outside onto a suspension bridge and promptly turn around when you see someone coughing
  41. See how many times you can sleep through the entire day before your parents start saying stuff
  42. Buy a ton of books from amazon and tell yourself you’re going to read them in quarantine; read none of them
  43. Get a parking ticket; cough your way out of it
  44. Use your Ithaca is Gorges T-shirt to make an impromptu face mask
  45. Learn the latest TikTok song as society breaks down and people starting killing each other over toilet paper
  46. Attend your parents hanging of your sweet drawing on the fridge: Mommy’s little artist!
  47. Realize that you never have to do a walk of shame if you don’t leave your house or make physical contact with anyone indefinitely
  48. Make dinner for your parents without breathing into the food 
  49. Get wasted in your parents’ house and have them remind you how much of waste of space you are that’ll amount to nothing
  50. Take a selfie with Martha Pollack in Summer 2024, the official date of Class of 2020’s Commencement 
  51. Play a game of paintball in your local high school without telling anyone 
  52. Watch a bootleg recording of Hamilton on XHamster
  53. Take your laptop into your backyard for your zoom lecture; immediately regret your decision because of the glare and the bees. So many bees.
  54. Start your freshman year pre-med; die a victim of a preventable ailment
  55. Surf the internet for photos of lakes 
  56. Ransack your fridge for slices of American cheese and orange slices at midnight, and eat them on your bed thinking about all the fun you could be having on campus right now
  57. Wait for 6 hours for your bread rations like a Soviet peasant
  58. Do a sympathy livestream for your friend’s final end-of-semester acapella concert
  59. Steal a “No Winter Maintenance” Sign; try to Store it With Ezrabox
  60. Sit in a public space coughing, and watch the worried citizenry lather gallons of hand sanitizer
  61. Write an insane comment on the Daily Sun Facebook page; be fueled by the ensuing argument with Nancy and Don, class of 1976
  62. Leave Your House After Curfew
  63. Explore the dark web
  64. Request specific porn from r/tipofmypenis
  65. Pretend you’re Harry Potter and mourn the death of both your parents
  66. Explore your room’s collection of unwashed dishes, and cans of LaCroix; vow to clean it up eventually
  67. Make the saddest fucking spaghetti of your life but put a little oregano on that bad boy and bada bing bada boom its a fancy italian restaurant.
  68. Do a bunch of drugs now that school is no more
  69. Eat random mushrooms from your backyard; tell your parents its for a class
  70. Acquire Stockholm Syndrome From Your Parents
  71. Take a unplanned depression nap for four hours because you have nothing else going on
  72. Sign a change.org petition to get your brbs back
  73. Have sex with your high school ex that took your virginity, and imagine AD White and Ezra Cornell bumping elbows back in Ithaca
  74. Survive a global pandemic and make weekly TikTok updates
  75. Pretend that your grandpa’s vitamin D pills are molly
  76. Form a professional esport team and make your own youtube channel
  77. Spend all your lectures figuring out the day’s crossword and be proud of your decisions because finals are now take-home; fail your take home exam
  78. Throw a hail mary “You up?” 2am text to your T.A. before they leave campus indefinitely
  79. Learn a useless hobby; impress no one in the Fall 
  80. Watch Jeopoardy! every night with your family; listen to their passive-aggressive remarks about how you should be beating them because you go to an Ivy
  81. Visit normie websites like Facebook
  82. Sing along to the music you’re listening to
  83. Try a sip of the water from your dad’s aquarium
  84. Wii Bowling with the homies
  85. Spam every listserv about your next club meeting that will take place in 6-24 months
  86. Drive your car 10 hours to get home with all your worldly belongings packed in the backseat and trunk
  87. Eat a “celebratory” steak dinner with sides of asparagus and rolls at home because your parents are “so thrilled to have you back”
  88. Finally learn how to fucking cook your own food you goddamn adult 
  89. Give up and order wings
  90. Get banned from Balch Hall because undergraduates are banned from campus buildings
  91. Heckle your grandma for saying she wants to go outside 
  92. Take a shower without locking the door 
  93. Get lost in a Wikipedia rabbit hole until 4am 
  94. Sing to yourself in the shower without accompaniment
  95. Blast the AC in your bedroom and dump buckets of water on your floor; skate around your homemade ice rink
  96. Make it onto your sibling’s Snapchat story
  97. Struggle to obtain adequate research materials for your projects because all the libraries and archives are shut down
  98. Let your balls hang out during a Zoom class
  99. Eat a snack your parents made; cry out of a second story window.
  100. Realize that even though everything sucks right now, at least you probably won’t bump into your freshman floormates ever again
  101. Go to a house party as a senior; convince yourself you’re not a viral vector
  102. Get lost in your house
  103. Get negged by your parents who refuse to buy you beer
  104. Watch a non-pirated movie
  105. Eat your guinea pig named Mongo because your family has run out of food 
  106. Watch old Coachella performances on YouTube
  107. Say the reason you’re not working out is you don’t want to “weaken my immune system”
  108. See how creative you can get with different ways to cook eggs
  109. Take a long bath
  110. Subsequently drown in your bathtub because Cornell cancelled your required swim test
  111. Tailgate Outside Your Local COVID-19 Testing Center
  112. Watch project runway reruns 
  113. Host a virus in your body for 2-5 days without symptoms
  114. Blast Rasputin by Boney M for the entirety of lecture and refuse to mute yourself
  115. Get guilt tripped into spending time with your family
  116. Have WebMD tell you you’re pregnant even though you haven’t seen anyone outside of your family for months
  117. Give your RA the last bit of the alcohol you have to get rid of before leaving
  118. Make a chalking on your sidewalk and stunt on the little kids in your neighborhood 
  119. Get on the only bus line your city is running while on lockdown
  120. Watch Bill Nye mansplain epidemiology on his shitty Netflix show for 30 minutes
  121. See how long you can go without doing laundry until your bitch mom does it for you
  122. Go on a road trip to Canada, get quarantined immediately after crossing the border
  123. Try to order pizza from a normal phone but all restaurants have been ordered shut by the federal government so no one picks up
  124. Order a sex toy with your parents’ credit card
  125. Find the biggest hill in your neighborhood; imagine you’re at Slope Day
  126. But still plan on going to Slope Day 2021
  127. Get a GCal invite to a secret society 
  128. Visit any store in ithaca, realize it’s significantly lacking in essential survival supplies, then just die
  129. Lose a friend because you just fail to stay in touch
  130. Find out your $2.36 of BRBs won’t be refunded, attempt to storm Day Hall, get stopped by CUPD and just give up
  131. Walk aimlessly around your house while FaceTiming 
  132. Visit the CDC website every 5 minutes as if something is going to get better
  133. Bang your head against your wall for one hour basically the same as yamatai but accessible from home
  134. Go to law.cornell.edu and piss on your laptop
  135. Listen to a talk about the “dangers of alcohol” from your parents; go back into your sedative bliss anyway
  136. Hook up with a family member and see them every day afterwards 
  137. Hope ya like a big ol can of Folgers
  138. See how many people you can get into your lecture before zoom crashes
  139. Rush a minecraft server
  140. Text dirty messages to a tinder rando because you’re living with your parents and it’s not like you can have sex anymore
  141. Create a pointless change.org petition
  142. Spam GroupMe to get strangers to sign your pointless change.org petition
  143. Have your pointless change.org petition inevitably fail because it’s a pointless change.org petition
  144. Watch ILR students turn into capitalists to save themselves
  145. Put on a three act puppet show rendition of Hello Dolly for your parents and watch them quickly regret having another kid
  146. Actually call the CIT help desk because you desperately need help and your dad’s limited experience with Hotmail ain’t gonna cut it
  147. Sleep through all your zoom lectures; narrowly fail your S/U major requirements as a result
  148. Hit the slopes at home and do some blow since nothing matters
  149. Loudly chew a bagel in your bathrobe 
  150. Cheer on your friends as they perform a quarantine Camshow
  151. Sign up for a dozen streaming services you’ll never use 
  152. Listen to classmates make terrible Zoom-related puns, eventually join in because, hey, when in Zoom, do as the Zoomers do right?
  153. Zoom call from your Apple computer
  154. Remove everything from your apartment and hastily put it in a storage unit 
  155. Ask for an extension on your term paper, email your professor “nevermind!” after classes get cancelled for 3 weeks
  156. Ask for an extension on the semester
  157. Set a colorful Zoom Avatar
  158. Depression nap for 3 days
  159. Tell a professor what you really think of his/her ass
  160. Attend any virtual club meeting; apologize for all the background noise of your stupid brother playing his stupid games stupidly
  161. Inspect element in every subpage of the Cornell website

“Moving to Zoom Will Be Hard, But We’re Prepared For It” Says IFC About New Party Format

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In reaction to the upcoming closure of Cornell’s campus for undergraduates, the Interfraternity Council has released a statement saying that “although there will be disruptions as we make this transition,” they expect to “learn to adjust” as fraternities begin to hold all parties over Zoom.

“Obviously, we wish all attendees could squeeze into a sticky basement together rather than sitting alone in front of computer monitors all over the globe,” the statement said. “But we trust the spirit of our opens and mixers alike will be captured by the online video conferencing software.”

The statement also noted that several services are being considered to add to the experience, such as recorded parties for those in different timezones and Canvas discussion threads so partygoers can hold individual conversations.

“Fully moving parties to Zoom won’t be easy, but know that no matter what, we won’t compromise on the world-class social experience we all came to Cornell for,” the statement concluded.

Immediately after the statement was sent out, the Cornell administration banned fraternities from holding parties over Zoom.

College of Human Ecology Quickly Retracts Paper Linking Serving as President of Cornell, Being an Absolute Moron

MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—In an unusual reversal, the College of Human Ecology rapidly changed tacks on their new study connecting being a complete asshat with holding the title of President of Cornell.

“Although my colleagues and I initially believed that symptoms of being a total clown showed a direct cause-and-effect relationship with being the head of Cornell University, more recent findings have muddied the waters on this controversial topic,” said Professor Anusha Vinukonda ’93, the lead author of the now-withdrawn study.

“A few problems arose very late in the process,” Vinukonda continued. “We had a fairly small sample size, for instance. When you’re only looking at one administrator, it’s hard to make sweeping judgments about the correlation between leading a university and having poor judgment and making moronic choices.”

At press time, Vinukonda and her coauthors cautiously announced plans to investigate whoever the fuck wrote the suggestion to rename the college in the first place.