Tag Archives: Martha Pollack

President Pollack Christens New Health Building with Ceremonial STD Test

CORNELL HEALTH—President Martha Pollack officially marked the opening of the new Cornell Health building this week by christening it with a ceremonial STD test. “By taking this symbolic STD test, I am happy to usher in a new and improved healthcare system here at Cornell,” President Pollack remarked before informing Read More

BREAKING: The Code Martha Pollack Will Run for Her Speech Just Leaked

while( speech_is_not_finished ) {         read_speech(); } if( asked_question ) {         if( question == “are you a robot?”)         {                 no();         }         else         {                 smile_and_laugh();         } } leave_immediately_and_recharge_battery();

Martha Pollack Reads The Very Hungry Caterpillar to Students at Orientation

DAY HALL—To foster loving relationships with those on campus before the semester begins, President Martha Pollack has decided to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar to students at Orientation. “Reading books with wholesome themes to our young ones encourages academic excellence and teaches mutual respect,” explained Pollack with a nurturing and Read More

Student Who Bleeds Big Red Sadly Returns Latest Nike Shoes

Philadelphia, PA—Following President Martha Pollack’s decision to terminate Cornell’s licensing relationship with Nike, Big Red superfan Matthew Walker ’19 sadly returned his recently purchased Nike flyknit shoes. “It’s hard to give up the freshest, most form-fitting shoes I’ve ever worn,” Walker admitted dejectedly, “but as a Cornellian through and through, Read More

Martha E. Pollack Welcome Party Clearly Planned With Someone Else in Mind

WILLARD STRAIGHT — Following invitations to ‘Celebrate our next female president,’ the Cornell Democrats’ welcome party for Cornell’s newly announced 14th president Martha E. Pollack seems planned with someone else clearly in mind. “A lifelong fighter for children and families, from her time at Wellesley College in the 1960s to Read More