Hypocrites? Rabid Beaver Not Feeling Free Nor Indispensable

FIRST DAM—Bucky Jeavers ‘25 was elated upon the hard launch of this academic year’s theme, “The Indispensable Condition: Freedom of Expression at Cornell”. Unfortunately, his excitement was short-lived as he soon faced public scrutiny for his expression of foaming at the mouth and hydrophobia. 

Preparing for the fall semester, Jeavers partook in a longstanding tradition among the Cornell student body: a refreshing, rejuvenating dip in the waters of Six Mile Creek. Contrary to what the masses are saying, his Immunization Record was fully up to date, as his Fall Checklist had long been completed. A bite from some small woodland creature may go unnoticed by many, as it did Jeavers. Scared, alone, and in need of a friend, he tried to reach out to his peers but was only met with fear and indignity. In his most vulnerable state, his freedom was dispensed and his expression conditional. 

Never was Bucky thanked for his contributions to Ithaca’s magnificent biodiversity. Nary a round of praise nor word of affirmation for the rustic and detail-oriented dams he has constructed. But some uncharacteristically erratic behavior and a bite or two sent the whistleblowers flocking to the media outlets. The defamation of Bucky’s character cannot be undone, but if anything comes of his harrowing story, perhaps it is every Ithacan’s civic duty to ponder: would you not have done the same if you had rabies? 

As Bucky Jeavers was dragged away for relentless testing by the NYS Department of Environmental Conservation, he provided his first and only official statement to the public: “gnamnamgnam tstskstkst huhuoooowwweee [gnam] rrrrrhooooo huhhuuh rrrrugnam stskustsksk.”

President Pollack Suggests Fired Starbucks Workers Just Ask “Vice Barista” To Do All The Hard Stuff

DAY HALL—Though union organizers had hoped to share their demands with President Pollack at a meeting earlier this week, they were instead gifted with the president’s own sage wisdom. Pulling from her personal experience in the workforce, Pollack advised the group to simply seek out the coffee serving equivalent of Ryan Lombardi and “have him do everything that seems kinda difficult.”

“President Pollack seemed to struggle with what our jobs were,” recalled Adya Henlow ‘24. “She kept telling us about the ‘importance of proper delegation,’ but when we explained that we were trying to unionize in order to make sure we were all getting paid the right amount, it seemed to really get through to her,” continued Henlow. “She said she ‘basically did the same thing’ with a bunch of other university presidents each time they had to admit new students. I was excited to finally find some common ground but her lawyer cut her off super quickly.”

When the delegation attempted to explain the numerous labor law violations Starbucks was commiting by closing the stores for unionizing, Pollack was taken aback, halting the meeting. “Oh my god! I can’t believe it, more of this ILR school bullshit. I can’t stand this stuff,” exclaimed Pollack. “But this is exactly what I’m talking about, watch what I do here. Ryan! Ry-aaaan! Get in here.” After Vice President Lombardi explained to Pollack that only she was authorized to make the kinds of decisions being discussed and that he was not willing to put on a pantsuit and wig, the meeting was able to resume.

Negotiations stalled once more, however, after President Pollack took issue with the hiring of a new coffee provider for the on-campus eateries, as she could not believe that “you guys actually eat the food here?”

OP-ED: It’s Okay to Not Pay Outdoor Education Workers Because They’re So Good at Foraging for What They Need (by President Martha Pollack)

As the 14th president of Cornell University, one of my foremost responsibilities is to ensure the well-being of our many employees. To that effect, my administration has made tremendous strides in improving working conditions and ensuring harmonious labor relations. From generously raising the pay of grad student workers to confirming a previous positive assessment of the well-being of our employees abroad, we have worked tirelessly to ensure that Cornell is the best employer it can be.

While most Cornell employees are grateful for our efforts, a small but vocal minority insists that we are failing them. Unfortunately, many Outdoor Education staff are upset that they receive a so-called “sub-minimum wage” or “don’t get paid” for their hard, important work.

As an experienced administrator and current executive of not one but three large organizations (Cornell, IBM, and the PepsiCo Fan Club), I am afraid that their logic is flawed. For, you see, the Outdoor Educators simply do not require the same compensation as us city slickers. They are outdoorsmen, rugged and skilled survivors who not only know how to fend for themselves in the wilderness, but are also adept enough to teach others. 

Outdoor Education workers, use your skills! If you’re knowledgeable enough to lead the children of our precious donors on treks through the wildlands of Upstate New York, surely you are able to snap a few squirrel necks or gather some berries. Rising rents? Sleep under the stars! Inflation at the grocery store? Aforementioned squirrel strangulation! You are Cornell Outdoor Educators—the best of the best! Use your talents, and live as your ancestors did! You don’t need more money; you need to free yourself from the materialistic mindset of us city folk.

I will admit that I am not as skilled as our Outdoor Educators are when it comes to survival. Unlike them, I unfortunately require around half a million dollars from Cornell every year. It’s a personal weakness, I admit, but I’m just not Outdoor Educated enough. But don’t try to help me learn or anything—I have bad knees, and actually, I have an IBM board meeting to get to. Sorry, maybe next time I’ll try your goose-and-mushroom stew. Sorry. See you next time I come to Ithaca.

—Martha Pollack is a free speech enthusiast who moonlights as the 14th president of Cornell University.

OP-ED: Graduate Students are Hypocrites for Expecting Better Treatment than Livestock Despite Congregating in the Big Red Barn (by President Martha Pollack)

As the 14th president of Cornell University, it is my responsibility to ensure the well-being of the more than 20,000 students who study, work, and live in Ithaca. To that effect, my administration has made tremendous strides towards improving the student experience; from somewhat reducing the amount of asbestos in a few buildings to making Ryan eat chicken wings with that guy from YouTube, we have greatly improved quality of life on campus.

While most students are content with our contributions, a small but highly vocal minority insists that we are failing them. Despite their cushy positions, they feel compelled to call for higher stipends, expanded insurance, and a host of other privileges far outweighing their contributions to the university. Yes, these graduate students, and more specifically the rabble-rousers of the Cornell Graduate Students United, have made it their life’s work to oppose all recent progress at Cornell.

During my annual trip to the Ithaca campus, I was greeted by an ugly barrage of homemade signs advocating for greater worker’s compensation. My advisors suggest such demonstrations are all too common even during the 51 weeks of the year I spend in New York. The CGSU demands action on their baseless claims, but they deserve little attention. No, the graduate students fail to realize the fundamental contradiction at the heart of their platform, a flaw so foundational that it is impossible to take their propositions at face value.

This union pigeonholes itself by virtue of its own organization. They masquerade as crusaders for equity, but their den suggests something far more base. What supposedly enlightened and well-deserving scholars would willingly demean themselves by inhabiting the home of animals?

I speak, of course, of their headquarters: the Big Red Barn.

The Big Red Barn! How apt for the proper role of graduate students: to provide for the university while we reward them with the barest minimum of compensation we can legally provide. They are our cows, our pigs, our sheep: if we can wring a few good years out of them before riding them into the ground, we’ll consider it a success. For decades, Cornell believed these graduate students had accepted their positions in our hierarchy. Evidently, they have forgotten their place.

In reality, they should feel grateful we tolerate their presence at all. As a computer scientist specializing in artificial intelligence, I am intimately familiar with the sudden obsolescence of formerly cutting-edge technology. The sewing machine replaced the toiling seamstress practically overnight. What machine will replace the graduate student? I cannot say, but perhaps they should take heed of the fact that no technology will ever produce better eggs than a hen.

I can also code in twelve different languages. Don’t fuck with me.

The CGSU claims Cornell’s administration is Orwellian. But the graduate students should expect nothing less than 1984 while they reside in an animal farm.
President Martha Pollack is a member of the board of executives at IBM and moonlights as the 14th President of Cornell University.

Cornell Introduces New “Sluggish Tests” That Provide Results in 15 Days

DAY HALL—Students across campus have been left in suspense after administration announced that Ithaca campus residents are now required to take “sluggish tests” that produce results in fifteen days. 

“Sluggish tests are the perfect diagnostic tool for this stage of the pandemic,” attested President Pollack via email. “In a mere fifteen days, they inform students whether they were safe to socialize two weeks ago or if they have exposed their entire social circle to COVID, with an astonishing 67% accuracy. We believe these sluggish tests will be key to reopening campus within the next fourteen years.”

Unlike the sluggish tests, President Pollack moved quickly to shut down criticism of the new testing regimen.

“Many students have asked why we would switch to sluggish tests when there are faster and more accurate COVID tests available,” the email continued. “In the interest of providing students with a sense of stability in this unpredictable pandemic, we have decided to lower COVID testing to the level of the rest of our ineffective and bogged-down healthcare system. Additionally, the money saved on tests can go to more urgent matters, such as our seventh continuous semester of construction on North Campus.”

The email concluded by cautioning students that due to server outages at Cayuga Medical Center, students may not receive their results for up to three months.

Martha Pollack Under Fire For Wagering Cornell Endowment at Dog Fight

DAY HALL—President Martha Pollack has drawn scrutiny across campus this weekend after details have emerged that link the president to a high-stakes dog fighting ring. Although early reports had indicated that Pollack is someone of a regular at the fights, the true extent of her involvement is only just beginning to be revealed.

“Oh yeah, Money Making Martha is here all the time,” said source Vichael Mick, who supposedly runs the ring, “Triple-M doesn’t fuck around when it comes to her puppies or her bread. She makes it very clear that she only breeds winners since she is about her paper.”

According to sources close to the situation, the fights began around 9:45 on Saturday evening, taking place behind the Regal Cinema at Ithaca Mall. A group of students who had been enjoying a showing of Dune noticed a commotion behind a group of cars and as they approached the sound of barking became increasingly louder.

“It was terrifying, the dogs were so loud and violent,” said Daniel Hoal ‘23, “but the really upsetting part was seeing President Pollack get so animated about the fight. She was screaming and cursing at her pitbull, who seemed to have lost the first fight.”

Pollack reportedly then started trying to cut deals and then offered double or nothing odds for another round. After they didn’t accept her offer, Pollack was said to have told them that she would wager the university’s endowment, which currently stands around $10 billion.

It would appear that Pollack’s pooch ultimately won the fight, as President Pollack was seen walking the dog (a three-year-old female pitbull named Bonecrusher) around the Arts Quad on Sunday evening.

Campus to Introduce Permanent Patch Of Dirt With A Few Trucks On It

ARTS QUAD—In an announcement that sent shockwaves throughout campus, President Martha Pollack unveiled construction plans for a new dusty home for minimally labeled and questionably permitted trucks in the middle of the arts quad.

“We really wanted to spruce up the place,” wrote Pollack in her Monday morning email, “I kept looking at all that expansive grass out there and couldn’t help but think it needed something more—something which had a humble pizzazz, something which has individuality: an avant-garde installation which a student of the arts could appreciate.”

Named after the donors who will fund the $2 million project, the William and Florence Frenk Dirt-Truck Patch follows the success of North Campus’s Risley Dirt-Truck Patch, although this addition will be far less dominated by rocks and will try to improve the dirt’s sandiness. However, the university has decided to continue to use an array of white Ford F150 pickup trucks.

“The purpose of this project is not to merely tantalize the human eye but to make its viewer ask questions, which in a way, are reflections of the subjectivity of our existence. Does the caution tape outlining only one part of one edge of the patch mean you can walk through it if needed, or not? Why is there a man in a hard hat just sort of pacing around the trucks for hours on end some days? Why are there no license plates? These questions all have no concrete answers to them—your own conclusions, however, will mimic your inner self.”

Construction on the project will tentatively begin next week and continue into the spring of 2031.

Pollack Won’t Commit to Peaceful Transition to Online Learning if Cuomo Declares Shutdown

DAY HALL—In a press conference this Tuesday, University President Martha Pollack refused to guarantee a peaceful shutdown of in-person learning if Governor Andrew Cuomo says COVID cases exceed the maximum limit. 

“Well, we’ll have to see what happens,” said a defiant Pollack. “You know, I always say there’s a problem with how they count cases. You have in-person testing. And then you have mail-in testing. It’s just totally illegal. A huge disaster.” 

When asked about what a sudden transition to online classes would look like, the President opted to deny the possibility of any shutdown whatsoever. 

“Look, I want a smooth, beautiful transition, but when the case numbers and the system are rigged?” said Pollack, standing maskless in front of a podium as key advisors Ryan Lombardi and Michael Kotlikoff looked on. “We do want a very friendly transition. It’ll be a tremendous transition, probably the best transition in history. But we don’t want to be cheated, especially not by Sleepy Andy.”

President Pollack’s team later clarified that she was “just joking” and added that interested students could learn more about her online learning plans during her daily phone-in with Fox & Friends. 

Pollack Sends Draft of Campus-Wide Email to Admin Groupchat to Check “If It Looks Okay”

DAY HALL—Cornell University President and former linguistics major Martha Pollack hit up the groupchat composed of Cornell’s most high-profile administrators to check her spelling on the latest solemn missive to the campus community and “make sure the vibes aren’t off.”

“It was like 1am, and all of a sudden I get this notification. It’s a snippet of her draft email in Outlook 365. And it’s like, dude, you were supposed to have sent this out this afternoon! But I did her a solid and responded with a heart reaction and pointed out she used “Cornellians” three times in one paragraph,” said Joel Malina, Vice President for University Relations.

“I just dropped a compliment when I woke up and saw the message in the morning,” said Madelyn Wessel, who occupies the role of both University Counsel and Pollack’s #1 hype woman. “Thirty thousand plus people are going to receive the email, and at least a thousand of them are going to actually read it; mostly the nerds. That’s a lot of pressure. One misplaced word will be the subject of Guest Room articles and Letters to the Editor for the next month.”  

“It came in all weird and pixelated on my phone,” explained Ryan Lombardi, Vice President for Student and Campus Life. “Maybe it’s because I have an Android? I said ‘looks good,’ but honestly, I didn’t read it. I have my own campus-wide email to work on!”

When asked for comment, the Office of the University President clarified that President Pollack receiving proofreading help from her colleagues is in no way a violation of the academic integrity policy, “unlike the obvious outfit copying that Madelyn has been engaging in.”

 

Students Eager to Return to Newly Financially-Stable ‘Cornell University, A Pepsi Company’

DAY HALL—Following a surprise press conference Thursday morning, university stakeholders are reportedly responding positively to President Martha Pollack’s announcement that PepsiCo has officially acquired Cornell University in a deal that has rebalanced the university’s finances amid a period of great economic uncertainty. 

University stakeholders have been weighing in from all sides with overwhelmingly favorable responses to the acquisition by the global beverage and snack food conglomerate. 

“Do I think this will change things around here? Sure. But honestly, changes will mostly be on the administrative side. I doubt students will even notice,” said Dr. Peter Thompson, the Mountain Dew Kickstart Professor of Romance Languages and member of the Quaker Oats Faculty Senate. 

The acquisition, occurring for an undisclosed amount, is expected to greatly ease previously anticipated financial hardship for the university while also providing new financial aid programs for students. 

“I think this deal will create great new opportunities for students once we get back to campus,” offered Kimberly Rojas, a freshman CS major and recipient of the inaugural Stacy’s Pita Chips Prize for Women of Color in STEM.

“We saw a great deal of alignment between Cornell and our portfolio of other products that, if not consumed in careful moderation, pose extreme health risks to our consumers,” said Bruce Jasper, Senior Brand Director at PepsiCo and newly-appointed member of the Naked [Juice] Board of Trustees. “With the looming financial troubles being faced by the University and our desire to diversify our product mix, this was really a win-win deal.” 

As of press time, PepsiCo shareholders, concerned about the acquisition’s impact on quarterly earnings, successfully petitioned the Board of Trustees to immediately end all humanities programs.