Nooz Staff September 29, 2020

Pollack Won’t Commit to Peaceful Transition to Online Learning if Cuomo Declares Shutdown

DAY HALL—In a press conference this Tuesday, University President Martha Pollack refused to guarantee a peaceful shutdown of in-person learning if Governor Andrew Cuomo says COVID cases exceed the maximum limit. 

“Well, we’ll have to see what happens,” said a defiant Pollack. “You know, I always say there’s a problem with how they count cases. You have in-person testing. And then you have mail-in testing. It’s just totally illegal. A huge disaster.” 

When asked about what a sudden transition to online classes would look like, the President opted to deny the possibility of any shutdown whatsoever. 

“Look, I want a smooth, beautiful transition, but when the case numbers and the system are rigged?” said Pollack, standing maskless in front of a podium as key advisors Ryan Lombardi and Michael Kotlikoff looked on. “We do want a very friendly transition. It’ll be a tremendous transition, probably the best transition in history. But we don’t want to be cheated, especially not by Sleepy Andy.”

President Pollack’s team later clarified that she was “just joking” and added that interested students could learn more about her online learning plans during her daily phone-in with Fox & Friends. 

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