Tag Archives: Cornell

Cornell Cinema Supporter Celebrates Continued Funding by Attending First Movie There

CORNELL CINEMA—After weeks of mobilizing students to save Cornell Cinema, Simone Ellis ‘19 reacted to the S.A. and Administration’s agreement to establish secure Cinema funding by purchasing movie tickets for the first time. “Cornell Cinema is one of the best benefits of attending this school, so of course I was Read More

Report: 80% of Football Fans No Longer Committed to Weekly Google Search of Game Results

COLLEGETOWN — Following Cornell’s loss to Dartmouth, ending their streak as the top Ivy League football team, fans no longer feel committed to their weekly Google search to check the game results. “I got a whole lot more involved in the football scene this semester than I have in past Read More

Cornell Football in First Place after 3 TD, 4 CTE Win over Princeton

Photo from the Cornell Daily Sun PRINCETON, N.J. – Cornell finds itself in first place in the Ivy League after scoring three touchdowns and four life-altering brain injuries to defeat their rival Princeton. After nailing the game-winning field goal, kicker Ricky Fleming ’20 told reporters, “This team does whatever it Read More

Professor Burkhauser to Teach Econ 1110 at White House

MVR HALL—PAM Professor Emeritus Richard Burkhauser recently accepted a new academic position at the White House, where he will teach introductory microeconomics to the freshman administration. “I can’t wait to teach the fundamentals of conservative economics to a new batch of students, who will hopefully use those ideas when they Read More

Guy Streaking Arts Quad Has Normal Dick

ARTS QUAD—Multiple sources confirmed that the guy who streaked the Arts Quad on Wednesday night has a normal dick. “It looks just like your average, run-of-the-mill dick to me,” reported an unimpressed Jessica Saxon ‘19. “Nothing really to see there.” Other sources reported similar findings that, although often times streakers Read More

Freshman Unaware New Mentor is Actually Other Freshman

NORTH CAMPUS—Following fifteen days of relying on her newfound mentor for advice and guidance, Alexis Li ‘21 reportedly still hasn’t realized the knowledgeable student she always sees around North also first arrived on campus one month ago. “Ever since we met at Nasties, which is a popular upperclassman spot, the Read More

Senior Chemical Engineer Excited For Fulfilling Career Making Processed Cheese

OLIN HALL—With graduation just around the corner, ChemE Abe Duncan ‘17 eagerly anticipates starting his job as a process engineer at Kraft Singles Cheese Plant in Springfield, Missouri. “After four years of grueling advanced science courses, hours upon hours spent completing problem sets, and somehow surviving Thermo, I’m super excited Read More

Newt Gingrich Sits In Rocking Chair For Entire Lecture

CALL AUDITORIUM – Swaying back and forth while fondly recalling a simpler time before the mainstream media takedown of the conservative party, former Georgia Republican representative Newt Gingrich sat in an old creaky rocking chair for the entirety of his lecture at Cornell. “Free speech on liberal college campuses is Read More

Lacrosse Team Announces Record Number of Players Named “Griff”

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD –– Ahead of the 2017 spring campaign, Varsity Lacrosse Head Coach Matt Kerwick announced in a press conference that this year’s team has an unprecedented number of players with the name “Griff.” “Griff, Griffith, Griffin, Griffyn, and Griffen are all integral members of the team,” said Coach Kerwick. Read More