Tag Archives: Cornell

Graduating Senior Torn Between Taking ‘Pity Me’ or ‘Applaud Me’ Angle in End of College Facebook Post

HUNTINGTON, NY—Following her first steps into the “real world” making life-altering decisions like where to work or where to live, Justina Alvaro ’20 was faced with her most difficult choice yet: whether to ask her Facebook friends to celebrate her accomplishments or feel bad for her. “I know, whatever I Read More

Students Eager to Return to Newly Financially-Stable ‘Cornell University, A Pepsi Company’

DAY HALL—Following a surprise press conference Thursday morning, university stakeholders are reportedly responding positively to President Martha Pollack’s announcement that PepsiCo has officially acquired Cornell University in a deal that has rebalanced the university’s finances amid a period of great economic uncertainty.  University stakeholders have been weighing in from all Read More

Cornell Dining Offers Refund in Form of Single Day 100,000 Calorie Buffet

BETHE DINING HALL—Following weeks of anticipation over what form the university’s meal plan rebate would take, Cornell Dining unveiled a grotesque 24-hour all-you-can-eat marathon food bonanza.  “We are offering enough food to cover half a semester’s meal plan: buckets of sun-dried tomato pasta, seasoned black beans in a tub, and Read More

‘Sometimes, Even the Best Things Must Come to an End’ Murmurs Martha Pollack on What Could be Her Final Nude Strolls Across Deserted Campus

CORNELL BOTANIC GARDENS—During what could be her last naked jaunt through the largely abandoned Ithaca campus, Cornell President Martha Pollack was heard ruminating to herself, “well, we all knew it couldn’t be like this forever.”   Amid the rush of eager students returning to move out of off-campus housing, and a significant Read More

Presumptuous Host Ends Meeting For All

WILMINGTON, DE—Following a rallying end-of-semester speech from Salsa Club’s president, G-Body members were left staring at a Zoom dialogue box after meeting host VP Doug Bowens ’21 brazenly chose the “End Meeting for All” function.  “This was my last club meeting as a Cornell student,” reminisced woeful President Devon Andes ’20, Read More

50 Students in Zoom Patiently Waiting For 2-Person Side Conversation to End

ZOOM SERVERS—Members of the Cornell Flyer project team have spent the last 90 seconds sitting patiently on the team meeting Zoom call while teammates Sarah Chen ’21 and Jacob Thomas ’22 engaged in an ongoing discussion about a TV show they both like. “I was all set to ask a Read More

Student Calls Mom to Wish Her Happy Mother’s Day From Bedroom Upstairs

NASHVILLE, TN—Just in time for the holiday, Tessa Willem ‘21 made sure to call her mom to wish her a happy Mother’s Day from the distant location of her upstairs bedroom. “Even though my mom funds nearly all of my educational, living, and social expenses, I’m usually crazy busy around Read More

Student Complains About Slow Shipping on Leggings Amid Global Pandemic and Economic Meltdown

LONG ISLAND—Following the removal of a 2-day shipping option, Maria Prescott ’21 expressed her frustrations over the personal inconvenience of an international crisis that has taken over 200,000 lives worldwide and left millions more unemployed. “Shipping situation a nightmare; @fabletics & @lululemon need to get those trucks moving,” tweeted Prescott, Read More

Student Uses Time Alone To Embark Upon Journey Of Self Discovery, Drug Abuse

CHEYENNE, WYOMING—During her unexpected isolation at home, Bernadette Shaw ’20 has taken advantage of her distance from her peers to self-examine and discover a new hobby of rampant, perverse drug abuse. “I think quarantine makes people feel really uncertain; I see it as an opportunity to reflect on my aspirations, Read More

TA’s Parents Screaming in Background of Office Hours Really Contributing to Learning Experience

ATLANTA, GA—During his weekly Monday night office hours, area CS 4780 TA Jeffrey Green has reportedly been providing exceptional help, clarifying difficult course concepts, and almost successfully drowning out his off-camera parents’ raucous arguments about who should be doing the dishes. Like most Mondays, during this week’s session, students sat Read More