“I like to chill,” Student Gets Vulnerable in Introduction Discussion

Alex Parker ‘27, resident unfeeling alpha-sigma-kappa-delta-epsilon bland male came to face his greatest fear at Cornell-hinting at a morsel of personality-when forced to open up during the first week in an introductory discussion. The haunting assignment guidelines asked to “Share something you did over the summer and what you like to do for fun.” 

He divulges the panicked, introspective process he was launched into. “It really forced me to take a look inside and think about the things that really matter; do I really even like Brawl Stars?” 

Hours of contemplation lead to his final draft, “I like to chill.” Chills. 

He thought about adding that he likes to play video games, but shook his head to himself, knowing that was a side of him he was just not ready to share yet. He hit his vape then the post button on the canvas discussion, sending ripples through the flurry of pictures of people’s “cute” ratty white dogs, and trips to Europe this summer. 

Jessica Johnson ‘27, who shared how her mom and dad both went to Cornell and detailed her extensive equestrian background in her post, replied within seconds, “Hi Alex, that’s so cool that you like to chill. I like to chill too, I actually think that’s great, and have so much fun doing that!” demonstrating a deep connection with Alex’s fine literature.

Piggybacking off of that, Alex reported feeling inspired by Jessica’s post, going on to use exclamation marks in replies to the other people in the discussion board, but not more than one per reply of course, “[sophisticated chuckle] No, no, that would be too expressive” he remarked.

And he’s right, for the good of posterity, classmates and professors alike hope he doesn’t get overconfident and share how many siblings he has any time soon.

Op-Ed: Why I Press the Crosswalk Button and Also Why I Think Santa Claus is Real and My Parents Will Get Back Together

Being the leader of a group of pedestrians arriving at a crosswalk comes with immense responsibility, one that many Cornellians seem unfathomably unaware of. It is the civic duty that upholds the balance and integrity of the transportation system, and in turn, all of civilization: pressing the crosswalk button.

There’s no denying the gravity of this responsibility. It’s not just tapping a button; it’s orchestrating a ballet of traffic and human locomotion. Without the press of this button, who knows what kind of disarray the roads would descend into? Who knows how long the pedestrians would have to wait to cross the street? The system needs commands, and I will give it that command even if I have to push and elbow my way towards that button.

People often mock my dedication to this cause, and I am not deaf to these naysayers. Is pressing the button absolutely necessary? Maybe not. Will the signal change anyway? Yes. But will the signal change as quickly as it does when I press the button? Also yes. I forgot where I was going with this, but I’m fairly sure it does something!

That brings me to some of my other beliefs that many people sneer at. Of course, Santa Claus is real; he was there every Christmas when I was a child! At least, until my parents split up. I’m not sure why he stopped coming after my dad moved away. That reminds me: I think they’re going to get back together! I see the signs—like how they exchange polite conversations during pickups and drop-offs. Or how they smiled for a split second before screaming at each other over Thanksgiving.

Back to my point. Pressing the crosswalk button might not seem like much, but it is vital to the functioning of a healthy society. Let this slide and next thing you know, there’s going to be people saying that knocking on wood doesn’t actually do anything!

Friendless Loser? Student Seen Eating Alone in Dining Hall

WEST CAMPUS—No self-respecting student would ever dare to eat dinner alone, so all eyes were on Jaden Lewis ‘25 last night at Becker House as he appeared to finish his meal entirely by himself. 

Patrons stared at the pathetic nobody in a mixture of pity and disgust as he filled his plate and slowly meandered to the emptiest corner of the dining hall. Multiple sources confirmed that Lewis was met with uproarious laughter after he accidentally dropped his fork and had to get a new one.

“I thought he might be waiting for his friends because he kept glancing around the room, but once I saw him put his AirPods in and turn his phone horizontally, I knew he was just a total freak,” reported a concerned onlooker, who also repeatedly clarified that she herself has a robust social life.

Lewis maintained that he virtually always eats with his large yet close-knit friend group, but unfortunately they were all busy yesterday. “They’re really popular and very attractive people. I would know because I hang out with them all the time, like every day or sometimes even more than that.” Witnesses to the sad scene could not recall ever seeing Lewis with an acquaintance, let alone a friend.

Numerous dining hall workers independently confirmed that the downright pathetic individual regularly struggles with basic human interaction. “When I asked if he wanted another scoop of mashed potatoes, he froze for a second, and then sprinted for the exit,” relayed a shocked employee. 

After leaving the dining hall, Lewis reportedly waited 20 minutes for an empty elevator before ultimately deciding to take the stairs, which the utterly pitiful loser claims are “faster and more efficient.”

Hoping To Locate Geothermal Energy Sources, Cornell Administration Now Just Digging Holes Fucking Everywhere

CARL BECKER HOUSE, URIS HALL, COLLEGETOWN, ETC—After the closure of the Cornell University Borehole Observatory project, the university’s eminent geology, energy and sustainability researchers sat down to analyze their data and determine Cornell’s optimal course to achieve the Climate Action Plan’s goal of carbon neutrality by 2035. 

Unfortunately for climate scientists and pedestrians alike, a rogue faction of the administration has announced their intent to divert funding from sustainability research towards a more “proactive” approach to harnessing Earth Source Heat—an approach which seems to involve just digging an ungodly amount of holes all over campus.

Thargurn Mountainhelm, the stout and bearded figurehead of the so-called “Diggy Diggy Initiative”, explained his team’s approach. “If there’s heat down there, why wait around figuring out how to use it or where to find it? I say we just start digging. If we make enough holes, we’ll stumble upon something eventually.”

Thargurn assured us that his grid of dig sites has been carefully selected so as to provide pedestrians with “new” and “interesting” ways to navigate campus. “The detours are an added benefit!” said Mountainhelm. “No student should have to suffer the indignity of being able to get directly from point A to point B. Just because we’re hard at work boring, doesn’t mean your walk to class has to be.”

Some critics of the DDI argue that its resources would be better spent optimizing geothermal energy efficiency, while others warn the team is “delving too greedily and too deep.” On the other hand, supporters of the project celebrate the rationale it provides for the countless pits and trenches already dug across campus that would otherwise serve no observable purpose.

Mountainhelm has also expressed interest in interdisciplinary expansion for the DDI, citing a collaboration with the Beijing Study Abroad program that would involve “digging a REALLY deep hole.”

“It’s So Hard to Make New Friends” Complains Guy Who Follows Exact Same Routine Every Day

NORTH CAMPUS—Cornellians are privileged to have access to such a wide variety of unique opportunities, and new students are always eager to take advantage of the multitude of offerings. Many freshmen have already forged new friendships through the abundance of extracurriculars that this university provides. Tragically, the dream college life has not materialized for one unlucky freshman, who is struggling to find his home at Cornell despite his best efforts to adhere to a strict routine every single day. 

“I’ve tried to reach out to people, but everyone here seems so closed-off,” lamented Shane Conley ‘27. “I usually make extended eye-contact with a girl I walk past on the Slope at 3:46 PM on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but today she wasn’t even there.”

Evidently, Conley hasn’t yet realized that his regimented daily routine may actually be inhibiting his social life. “Yesterday, after I found some kid sitting in MY spot, I panicked, pushed him off the chair, and dragged him across the floor to another table,” he admitted. “In my defense, I thought everyone knew that the Cocktail Lounge had assigned seating.” 

Variety might be the spice of life for most people, but Conley’s unwavering commitment to monotony, loneliness, and boredom is certainly impressive. Despite dissatisfaction with his admittedly pitiful social life, he staunchly refuses to attend club meetings or initiate conversations with his peers, arguing, “it requires effort to do so. And they might be weird.”

When asked if he has hobbies and interests that could save him from his dreary, repetitive life, Conley responded, “I love movies. I can never get enough of Groundhog Day.

Student Hits Rock Bottom Somewhere Between Start and End of Okenshields Staircase

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Though there exist a multitude of excellent places across campus to have an emotional crisis, Sid Lathe ‘24 reached his own mental breaking point while descending down into Okenshields. Though the brief foreboding feelings of doom that accompany any trip down these particular stairs were not unfamiliar to Lathe, the accompanying sense of immovable despair was an unwelcome surprise.

“I knew that once I reached the bottom of the stairs, I could sink no lower,” said Lathe. “Once I walked through those doors and scanned my GET App, that infernal beep would condemn me. A sad meal for a sad man,” continued Lathe, describing the available food offerings. “Though I had spent the beginning of the day quite worried about a number of things, I realized that there was simply nowhere worse I could go than where I already was.”

Lathe’s misery was not soon rectified, as his numerous fears about visiting the hope-consuming eatery each came to pass: no rice at the wok station, no open seats, and an overwhelming certainty that he would never amount to anything at all. Though the day’s grilled fish special did fill his empty stomach, it was not able to fill the emptiness within his soul.

“I prayed that I might never finish my descent,” recounted Lathe, “I hoped that the parable of Achilles and the tortoise would hold true, preventing me from ever reaching my wretched destination. But it was a false hope, for I knew that I had already transgressed too far by taking those first steps.”

Due to Okenshield’s distant and somber atmosphere discouraging any intermingling between diners, Lathe was left tragically unaware that the same exact thing had happened to roughly half the students in attendance.

Patient Hockey Fan Waiting For Ice To Melt Before Throwing Fish Into New Home

LYNAH RINK—When Charlie Yu ‘26 bought his ticket to the 2023 Cornell-Harvard men’s ice hockey game, he didn’t realize how much of a commitment it would be.

But two days after the game’s conclusion, the stands remained empty save for the lone sophomore’s silent vigil as he waited for the perfect conditions to toss his fishy friend onto the ice.

“I just want to clarify, I’m not delusional. I don’t think these creatures warrant even an ounce of human empathy or compassion. I hope every last one of them took a tuna straight to the head,” said Charlie when asked about the Harvard Crimson hockey team. “But the fish? I can’t help but feel like they deserve better treatment.”

An avid hockey fan, Yu was already planning to attend the match when he caught the scent of the fish-flinging tradition. His morning visit to the seafood aisle was entirely free of moral quandaries or reservations. It was only during the game, watching hundreds of limp fish violently strike the unforgiving surface of the ice, that he began to have second thoughts.

“Watching my classmates hurl all manner of sea creatures onto the rink, it suddenly struck me as unconscionable,” said Charlie, clutching his decomposing Wegmans Whole Black Sea Bass to his chest. “Haven’t we dealt enough cruelty to God’s creatures? Are the pollution and overfishing not enough?” A tear rolled down his cheek. “I thought the least I could do was wait for the ice to melt. Once summer comes, this little guy will have a rink-size aquarium all to himself.”

Until anyone has the heart to correct his misunderstanding about hockey rink maintenance– or tell him that his fish is already dead– Charlie and his sea bass are expected to remain spectators in Lynah Rink indefinitely.

Eureka! Cornell Republicans Successfully Construct 3rd Woman To Complete Group Photos

BAKER LABORATORY—“It’s ALIVE! It’s ALLLIVVVEEE!” echoed throughout the halls of Baker Lab Wednesday morning as Cornell Republicans celebrated their one and only victory this week.

“As Republicans, inclusion is really important to us,” explained Cornell Republican President Benjamin Bigot ‘24. “I should clarify: the optics of inclusion are important to us. Actually spending time with or listening to women is our worst nightmare. That’s why this invention is so ingenious. Why attempt to make our group more welcoming to the female gender when we could just build an ideal woman to make our group photos look better.” When asked what their ideal woman looks like, one of the two “human” women in Cornell Republicans began to speak. She was quickly cut off by another male member of the group.

 “The problem with women these days is that they talk way too much, and they never have anything important to say. That’s why our woman is only programmed to say things like ‘I agree with you,’ ‘wow your muscles are so big,’ and ‘I would never leave you like your bitch ex-girlfriend from 7th grade,’” said the mad scientist of the group Alex Christianson ‘26. 

The features don’t end there, as the Cornell Republicans explained that Real_Woman_1 can change her height to never be taller than any Republican man at any given moment. She will also perform wifely duties like cooking, cleaning, and calling you “mommy’s special boy.”

Unfortunately, like most Republican victories, this one was short lived. Just hours after  Real_Woman_1’s first breaths, she managed to get her hands on feminist literature. 

“Next time, we will make sure to remove all access to history, art, literature, and science. Real_Woman_2 will never be taught to read or critically think,” explained a saddened Alex Christianson.

Parents’ Weekend Solves Mystery of Why Classmate in Your Lecture Acts Like That

KENNEDY HALL—Maxwell Tang ‘27 is well-known amongst his PSYCH 1300 classmates–not for being well-versed in developmental psychology–but for consistently interrupting his professor to defend Sigmund Freud from any criticism. So when Tang’s parents arrived in Ithaca for Parents’ Weekend, his tendencies began to make sense.

“Ohhhhh, that makes sense now,” said Tang’s classmate, Anabelle Wright ‘26 after seeing Mr. and Mrs. Tang sitting side by side with Maxwell in their Tuesday morning lecture. “Maxwell and his parents share a very strong, er, familial bond,” Wright continued. “It was almost beautiful to see a family so, um, in love with one another?”

Professor Christine Lorenzo, too, noticed, watching from her podium as Tang’s mother spoonfed him his apple sauce.

“When Maxwell has spoken out of turn in the past to defend Freud, I have attributed it to a disturbed internet history, which is proving to have a dramatic impact on our youth,” Professor Lorenzo said. “Fortunately, it is simply the result of a disturbed household, which psychologists have studied for far longer.” 

The Tangs declined to comment, opting to instead sit on each other’s laps and bounce up and down.

OP-ED: It’s Not My Fault That I Accidentally Complimented Your Mom on Her “Old-Person Costume”

In a phenomenon akin to the rare confluence of Passover, Ramadan, and Easter, this past weekend saw the intersection of two sacred festivals: Halloween and Parents Weekend. Despite my best attempts to respect and honor both traditions, I have been subject to allegations that I “crossed a line,” and that your mother’s very convincing great-grandma costume was, in fact, her natural appearance. 

I would like to take this opportunity to sincerely apologize if your mother was offended by my well-intentioned comments. Perhaps instead of remarking, “Hey, old geezer!” when you introduced us, I should have first asked her if she was wearing a costume. Furthermore, I wish I had exercised restraint instead of inquiring whether she was dressed as “an alum from the Class of ‘45.” In my defense, your mom dated herself by admitting that Morrison Dining didn’t exist when she was a student. 

Maybe it was presumptuous to ask if your mom “used paper-mache to get those cool wrinkles.” But to get mad at me is to ignore the true source of evil behind this unfortunate misunderstanding: the Office of the Registrar. Parents Weekend should never have been scheduled on Halloween. To avoid any future confusion, please ensure that your mom gets a Halloween costume next year. Or at least some botox.