Hockey Season Over, 30 Year Olds Back in Lecture

KLARMAN HALL—As a result of their loss in the quarterfinals, the middle-aged members of the Cornell men’s hockey team have begun attending GOVT1322: Introductory Governance lectures once again. 

“I was super intimidated the first day of school when I walked into a bunch of grown men sitting in the back row,” said Grace Cortez ‘26. “This is stereotypically a freshman class, so I figured it’d be mostly teenagers. Imagine my shock when I discovered that you can be a first-year pushing 40, so long as you can prance on ice.”

Classes popular with the men’s hockey team, such as GOVT1322, tend to look completely different based on whether or not the players decide to attend. Sociologists and demographers alike have looked into this issue and how it affects classroom composition and dynamics.

“The median age in the room increases by about 10 years,” explained Policy Analysis and Management Professor Brendan Pierre, who was asked to give his insight on the shifting demographics of these classes post-season. “The probability that students are older than the graduate teaching assistants surges. And if the conditions are severe enough, it is more likely than not that the class will witness one person’s genuine mid-life crisis before the end of the semester.”

Although the influx of millennials in lecture was certainly a cause of concern for many students, it was later reported that their cumulative attendance quickly plummeted to zero after their first class back.

Cornell Republicans Celebrate 20th Anniversary Of Iraq War, Declare Morrison Stir Fry “Weapon of Mass Destruction”

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—This Monday, exactly 20 years after the U.S. invasion of Iraq caused  countless deaths, Cornell Republicans are celebrating this victory of conservative policy by declaring publicly that Morrison staff are preparing a weapon to destroy all of mankind.

“We have reliable intelligence that suggests Morrison stir fry is actually made with 95% enriched uranium,” alleged junior Reagan Smith. “This stir fry is a threat to our way of life as Cornellians. Of course, Okenshields also has stir fry, and has served it for years, but that was frankly very good and necessary to prevent a line of one hundred thousand Americans. Morrison stir fry, on the other hand, is a threat to West Campus civilization and must be stopped.”

The Cornell Republicans have provided an ultimatum to Cornell’s community, pledging to invade Morrison at midnight Thursday unless Cornell Dining took stir fry off the menu, replaced it with boiled, unseasoned mashed potatoes, and granted them veto power over the menu. Several student groups were asked to form an alliance, a request which confused various groups.

The Republicans told us that if we didn’t join them in invading Morrison, we would be traitors to Western campus culture,” explained Jaques Dubois, president of Cornell’s French Society. “We told them that breaking into Morrison would violate the Student Code of Conduct, but they pointed out that the SCC was not legally binding and that they could do what they wanted. When we refused to join them, they demanded Cornell Dining take all French food off the menu.”
Sources within Cornell Republicans claimed to have swiped into Morrison and noticed they were not serving stir fry last night. This prompted the club to declare victory, but keep invasion forces ready in case it returns.

Cornell Daily Sun Writer Discovers Commas

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—After three consecutive years of run-on sentences, one Daily Sun columnist has discovered a new way to pause.

“For years, I’ve been finishing sentences with periods,” said James Stoll ‘23. “Then, my editor told me that my sentences were going on too long and that I needed to find a way to work pauses in there. They told me there was this thing with one period on top of another period called a colon. Unfortunately that didn’t seem to fix much, since it could only really fit in when I was writing lists. But then they told me there was a way to separate independent clauses with only half a colon, and I had to ask, what was the other half? They told me the other half of a semicolon was a comma and that it could separate dependent clauses! That’s wild!”

Following this, Stoll began to use commas in every piece they wrote. Unfortunately, his editor believes he has begun to overuse the punctuation mark.

“His last article was six pages and one sentence long,” complained Ash Sentry ‘24. “Listen to this: ‘I was by a park, which was neat, and then I ran into this professor, who seemed pretty grumpy, and I asked him which department he was from, assuming it was CAS, which he did not like, and then he walked out on me, which I saw as an opportunity.’ I had to edit that sentence alone to make it halfway coherent and it’s still painful to read. I think he might be addicted to commas, but I guess our style guide can’t cover everything.”

As of writing, the Daily Sun has introduced measures to the style guide to mandate writers end sentences a minimum of two times per article.

Puzzled CAPS Psychologist Pulls Up “what metnal illness r u” Quiz from Quotev

CORNELL HEALTH–Maricel Caoili ‘26 experienced a breakthrough in therapy this Thursday when Dr. Elizabeth Fields decided to ignore Caoili’s experiences entirely and consult 2012’s third leading fanfiction and quiz website, Quotev. 

“I’d been trying to help Maricel for a while, but it’s so hard when I have no training related to trauma, the stress of being a racial minority, or LGBT issues,” said Fields of some of the most common reasons for students to seek out counseling. “But then I remembered that the website I used to read Doctor Who x Reader fanfics on had some pretty cool quizzes back in the day. I’ve never actually diagnosed someone without making them get a $500 assessment with an outside provider, so this was pretty exciting!”

Fields spent the next four minutes guiding Caoili through the comprehensive diagnostic tool. She started taking notes rapidly when Caoili said her favorite color was “black like my soul” instead of “the voices say red… >:)” or “squirrell! wait, sorry, wut? :0.” With only seven questions in the quiz, Fields even had enough time to read a “thrilling” story about a young girl who was sold to One Direction before the end of Caoili’s monthly 25-minute appointment. 

“I have to say, I had my doubts about the whole process,” said Caoili, who was ultimately diagnosed with schizophrenia because “u have 2 b INSANEEE to like justin beiber more than green day!!” “But if this is the best care a university with a multibillion dollar endowment can provide, who am I to argue? The Cornell student body’s mental health is famously high for a reason, right?” she asked before dissolving into tears in the Cornell Health lobby.

Unfortunately, Caoili’s journey to healing encountered an additional roadblock after Fields insisted that if there were mental illnesses other than depression or anxiety, she would have heard of them already.

John Wilkes Booth? Martha Doesn’t Give Us Presidents’ Day Off

ITHACA, NY—Cornell University President Martha Pollack’s decision not to suspend classes on Presidents’ Day has drawn fierce criticism from concerned patriots across campus.

“President Pollack has brought shame to this institution by disrespecting the legacies of three of our nation’s presidents,” said George Ramirez ‘23, spokesperson for the Cornell Historical Society. “By not celebrating this most sacred of American holidays, President Pollack shows a blatant disregard for our past leaders: George Washington, whose birthday is the basis for Presidents’ Day; Abraham Lincoln, whose February 12th birthday we combine with Washington’s; and Lyndon Johnson, whose Uniform Monday Holiday Act established the celebration of Washington’s Birthday on the third Monday in February. In this way, President Pollack is King George III, John Wilkes Booth, and the Vietnam War all rolled into one.”

Many students had strong reactions to Pollack’s decision.

“The fact that President Pollack would disrespect Lincoln’s legacy like this is especially disgusting given how Cornell plasters the year ‘1865’ everywhere,” said Hillary Ryan ‘25. “It’s like they want to rub it in that he’s dead.”

“There’s something sinister going on here,” claimed Jason Reynolds ‘24. “Pollack wants us to forget all about Presidents’ Day. Because if we can’t remember any American presidents, who is there left to be President? That’s right: President Martha E. Pollack.”

Risley Hall resident Sherman Gilmore ‘26 defended Pollack’s decision. “While I don’t agree with his actions later in life, John Wilkes Booth was a very talented actor. As a Performing and Media Arts major myself, when Martha murdered the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, I felt represented.”

Faced with tough questions about her decision, Pollack reportedly shouted “sic semper tyrannis” before jumping off stage and running away. At press time, Pollack and co-conspirator Ryan Lombardi were barricaded in a Northern Virginia barn, engaged in a standoff with the US Army.

Papa Bear? Touchdown Denies Fathering 5 Illegitimate Cubs 

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD–The world of low-performance sports was rocked this Friday when a coalition of five she-bears announced that they had each given birth to one of Touchdown’s cubs this past breeding season.

“While students think of Touchdown as cute and cuddly, this teddy bear gave my clients more than just a bear hug,” alleged the coalition’s lawyer. “Touchdown rakes it in performing at Cornell football games while his children can’t afford to eat more than a few smackerels of honey. If he doesn’t start paying child support, we’re going to have to call animal control.”

Attempts at DNA tests have proved unsuccessful after the first clinician who attempted to perform sample collection lost all arms and legs in the process. However, the cubs share many of Touchdown’s distinctive features, including his brown fur, disproportionate head, and flat, unblinking eyes. Nonetheless, Touchdown’s team maintains his innocence. 

“This is a smear campaign, pure and simple,” said Touchdown’s handler Tony Ursus ‘15. “Touchdown is a firm believer in abstinence before bearriage. As a registered member of the Utica Zoo bear breeding program, he would never mate with someone who wasn’t selected by a zookeeper after a thorough review of their genetics. Besides, anyone who’s seen a Cornell football game knows that Touchdown can’t score.”

At press time, Touchdown had refused to comment on several jars of so-called “hush honey” sent to the dens of all five bears.

Senior Filling Out Perfect Match A Little Too Optimistic About the Three Months They Have Left

TEMPLE OF ZEUS—In the final hours of Perfect Match’s survey opening, one member of the Class of 2023 decided to try their luck at a college romance three months before leaving Ithaca for good.

“Look, I haven’t had a lot of luck in the dating department here at Cornell, okay?” asked Ron Kringle ‘23. “I had one girlfriend the week of orientation, and it’s been three years since my last second date. I tried to do it all the natural way, but it hasn’t worked out and I thought I might as well try something new. And for that reason, twelve weeks before myself and all my peers completely overhaul our lives and set up shop across the country, I have decided to go all in on a completely new search for love.”

The Cornell Perfect Match online statistics indicate that many seniors agree with Kringle’s futile efforts to fill the gaping hole of loneliness. The numbers indicate that a quarter of participants are seniors- a number that cannot be simply explained by future Cornell grad students or Ithaca locals. Clearly, seniors’ desperation to find love overpowers even the most simple logistical thought processes. Perfect Match team members, however, took exception with this characterization.

“Seniors aren’t desperate, they are opening themselves up to new possibilities,” argued Perfect Match president Jonald Travers ‘23. “Online dating has become the number one way people meet each other these days, so why not give it a try? Why not sign up and see what happens? Why not put a member of our team down as a Crush; my netID is jttt245 and I will be in Ithaca for several weeks after graduation where we can begin our courtship before we transition into a committed long-distance thing. Why not give love a chance, specifically with me please?”  

At press time, the Perfect Match team would neither confirm nor deny that they had signed up to their own service, nor whether they self-preferenced their results.

“What Have I Done”: Student Who Pregamed ClubFest Awakens to 573 Unread GroupMe Messages

MARY DONLON HALL—James Woodhouse ‘26, who took eight shots of strawberry lemonade-flavored Svedka prior to attending ClubFest, awoke Monday morning to a pounding headache and hundreds of unopened GroupMe messages and listserv emails from completely unfamiliar organizations.

“Oh god, what the fuck happened yesterday?” cried Woodhouse as he peeled laptop stickers off his clothes. “I’ve never even heard of half of these organizations. Why did I sign up for the Latin debate club? The fencing club? Am I currently in both the Cornell Democrats and Cornell Republicans? Fuck, there must be a hundred emails from consulting clubs alone—they must’ve thought I fit their vibe. So many invites on my Google Calendar for info sessions… I think I’m gonna be sick.”

Woodhouse reportedly took five shots before stumbling to Barton Hall for the first session of ClubFest, where he stoically listened glassy-eyed to the impassioned speeches of club representatives before dutifully consigning himself to receive email and text updates on anything and everything. The real damage, however, came when Woodhouse took three more shots prior to the second session. According to eyewitnesses, the inebriated freshman snatched every quartercard in arm’s reach and scanned QR codes with reckless abandon before hopping onstage to contribute jokes to a stand-up club’s performance—a star turn of which Woodhouse had no recollection.

“Did… did I actually do that?” stammered Woodhouse. “Yikes, I hope I didn’t say anything too offensive—the last time I grabbed an open mic while belligerently drunk, I apparently made some pretty disparaging comments about Slovenian people and the sport of croquet. Wait, let me check—yep, I’ve got messages from both the Slovenian Students’ Union and the croquet club. Fuck.”

At press time, Woodhouse had been made president of the stand-up club whose performance he invaded after receiving a positive reception for his monologue on Slovenian croquet players.

Epic Prank! Engineer Becomes Aware of Military Industrial Complex

DUFFIELD HALL–In what sources are describing as “the practical joke of the century,” Sam Powers ‘23 has discovered the military industrial complex during the last semester of his engineering degree. 

“Oh man, they got me good,” said a chuckling Powers. “I spent years eating 3 a.m. Duffield vending machine brinners because I thought my skills could help people, and it turns out the best I can do is drone warfare? What a bunch of goofballs! No way I could’ve seen that one coming,” continued Powell, whose last humanities class was a freshman writing seminar on the history of hot dogs in literature. “This was a shocker for sure.”

While Powers was still giggling over the total destruction of his career goals and ethics mere months before graduation, he was surprised to learn he wasn’t the only starry-eyed do-gooder to be totally owned. 

“We like to do this whenever we’re in a silly goofy mood,” said a top silly goose for global weapons manufacturer Aerofence. “We tell an eight year old they must be really special because they can add numbers slightly better than other eight year olds, and bada bing bada boom, suddenly they think differential equations are a real thing! You should see the look on their faces! At Aerofence, we make more than just intercontinental ballistic missiles. We also make great jokes. Mostly the missiles, though.”

In a show of excellent humor, Powers decided to pay it forward by sending the Syrian public “a joke that absolutely kills.”

Wines Final Scheduled Directly Before Tightrope-Walking Final

STATLER– In a scheduling mishap likely to elicit several complaints with seniors, this semester’s Wines final exam has been scheduled to finish just minutes before the school’s Tightrope Walking final deliverable.

“I’m so fucked,” exclaimed one Wines student. “My palette is a little weak, so I have to drink a bit more than everyone else before I can really nail down the flavors. I’m going to be sloshed as hell after that exam, there’s absolutely no way I’m going to pass Tightrope Walking if it’s ten minutes later. I mean, we haven’t been briefed on what the final actually is, but I heard a student from last year mention it included juggling, and I simply cannot do that zooted.”

The finals schedule has inspired outrage among local students, claiming that while they took these classes to get easy A’s, the schedule is the one possible instance where those grades would be in jeopardy. HADM 4300, Introduction to Wines, and CRCS 2200, Essential Tightrope Walking Mechanics and Principles, have long been staples of the senior class schedule. Dr. Jefferson Bufoon, instructor of CRCS 2200, begs to differ.

“I have spent all semester preparing my students for exactly this type of wacky comeuppance,” stated Dr. Bufoon. “Rings of fire, balancing beach balls on their heads, and having a large crowd pelt them tomatoes. If they can’t toe the Ringling line while just a little tipsy, frankly they don’t deserve to pass my course.”

At press time, administration agreed to compromise and leave a twenty-minute power-nap break in the middle for students, along with making Gatorade and coffee available at the second exam for any hangovers.