Revised Interim Protest Laws Require All Picket Signs to Include “Compliment Sandwich”

DAY HALL—Amid violently expressive protests around campus, President Pollack looks to improve the growingly pernicious Cornell ethos through the enforcement of the “compliment sandwich method.”

“It’s come to our attention that some students have been saying hateful things about me–I mean members of the administration. This goes against our campus policy of being nice,” explained Pollack. 

The “compliment sandwich” is an ancient yet scientifically-proven technique, where a piece of constructive criticism is framed by two gentle compliments. When asked how the new policy would be realized, Pollack offered an example.

“We encourage students to express themselves and their passions through protest, but it should look more like this:”

Martha, we love you and it’s not your fault.

Please divest from weapons manufacturers.

Ryan Lombardi, you rocked that runway outfit!

This new policy is in no way baseless. It is rooted in a rich understanding of historical activism. At the bottom of the email announcement lies a quote from Dr. King: “Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.” However, the fight for love is not over. President Pollack is currently considering her next course of action.

“We’ve been discussing the issue of violent fonts, which go against our other campus policy of not being too scary. Students have begun using truly spine-chilling red and black markers, whereas a softer yellow or maybe a sky blue would be a lot easier to ignor–receive. The megaphone issue has come up in recent meetings as well… nothing sounds very complimentary through a grating megaphone.” 

Students are reminded to keep their passionate activism, but add a little compliment frame. Hopefully all students can soon forget about these issues and return to the age-old tradition of joining hands around McGraw tower with the love and glee that Cornell is known for.

Student Assembly President Gets Too into President Cosplay, Begins Coughing Up Dust and Choking on Own Teeth

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Cornell’s very own government, the Student Assembly, has struggled to gain legitimacy with a student body that refuses to take the legislature seriously. As such, the group has taken steps to legitimize themselves as real politicians, such as falsifying tax documents, taking sudden hospital visits, and slurring their words during press conferences.

“Cornell is a University of people… who… people and bright students towards our futuremnsgrh,” proclaimed President Christopher Garcia ‘25, moments before coughing up a cloud of brown dust. “As Ezra Cornell himself said, ‘Any penson, amy stufy’ …… “

Moments before collapsing to the ground, Garcia spat out both of his withering front teeth. As of yesterday, the current president has already submitted his reelection bid and is forecasted to win.

Other Student Assembly members have used similar techniques to gain legitimacy such as Mariah Davenport ‘26, who has insisted on using a wheelchair for the remainder of the semester despite her ability to walk. Sasha Brown ‘25 has also gotten in on the action, pretending to be dead during a Wednesday special meeting.

She declined a request to comment, but Student Assembly officials assured reporters that literally being dead is not a valid reason for resignation and that Brown will be “running again for the next 60 years.”

Op-Ed: If We’ve Moved an Hour Ahead, Why is My Laundry STILL WET?

This past Friday, the most dire tragedy in the life of a young bright college student came to fruition—that’s right, it was laundry day. Sadly the 57 pairs of identical black socks I brought from home did not absolve me from this soul crushing experience. The arduous process began sharply at dawn to avoid everyone in the dorm as always. I quickly snuck down to the brilliantly engineered machines that somehow manage to keep your clothes at the perfect, confusing amount of wetness. While I was getting ready to begrudgingly receive yet another damp set of clothes, it hit me; today was daylight savings which can only mean one thing: the clothes have to dry today. 

I diligently checked the machine every 30 minutes; watching the hypnotic…I mean super boring turns of the machine and the marvelous…ly idiotic mechanisms that soiled my kaleidoscope of clothes each time. However when that clock hit 2 and the glorious switch to 3 happened, that change did not seem to want to extend itself to anything but the clock.

But as I was griping about my clothes and the daylight savings disappointment, I had an epiphany; my time in Sheldon basement was, might I say, transformative? Did I enjoy watching those clothes move in that circular motion because it served as a distraction from the gaping pit of fear in my stomach? No, it can’t be. Was I the one making the clothes wet? As I sat there watching the impatient floor idiot take out my clothes from the dryer I realized the laundry wasn’t the product of a perm press spin cycle or the work of a mere machine and buttons, the laundry was in me all along; I was the laundry. 

When2Meet Fraud? No Way Friendless Outcast Club Member Is Busy on Friday After 8

WARREN HALL—Every semester, thousands of Cornellians ambiguously fill out When2Meet surveys seeking an optimal hour to schedule their weekly rendezvous. While scrutinizing the availability of his fellow project teammates, president Edmund Fitch ‘24 was shocked to see that for the first time, the socially inept loner on the team indicated that he was unavailable to meet on the following Friday after 8 PM.

“Finally! Our web programmer, Matthew, claims to be ‘busy’ next Friday night!” Fitch could hardly contain his excitement, grinning as he hovered his cursor over grids of green. “And what exciting event, pray tell, could that hermit possibly be occupied with that evening?” 

The E-board Slack channel erupted into a cacophony of digital gasps and rampant speculation. The socially repugnant recluse in question, known to many as “that one guy in the corner,” had always been a source of morbid fascination and annoyance. Team members reveled in the opportunity to hypothesize about the paradox of such an utterly boring, uninterested individual having Friday night plans. Theories ranged from the mundane (attending an acapella concert) to the outlandish (performing arcane rituals in the Kroch Library). 

Upon questioning, Matthew justified his unavailability to meet, “God forbid I enjoy an evening to myself instead of meeting up with these dumbfuck losers again. Self-care and whatnot. I only joined for the LinkedIn clout anyway.”

Meanwhile, the self-alienating club outcast sat oblivious in his musty dorm room as conspiracies brewed around his social life. Unbeknownst to him, his curated Friday night ritual of grinding Sidechat karma, indulging in a solo campaign of Dungeons & Dragons, and doing a $3 face mask from Urban Outfitters was about to become the subject of intense ridicule.

Study: Burnout Most Common Among Stupid Kids

Every semester, students across campus eagerly await “prelim season,” a time for rigorous–yet invigorating–intellectual stimulation. Unfortunately, according to a new report released by Cornell’s Department of Psychology, stupid kids actually suffer during this energizing time of year. 

Academic burnout is brought on by overwhelming workloads, and can cause students to feel drained, exhausted, and unmotivated. The study found that these feelings, however, are not normal, and are in fact indicative of chronic stupidity. “Students experiencing burnout should be embarrassed,” head researcher Dr. Elizabeth Redmond said. “It’s pathetic.” 

Cornell researchers noted that stupid kids experience burnout because they are simply incapable of succeeding. Dr. Redmond recommends these dull-witted students take their symptoms as a sign that they are incompetent and should just give up. “Your body is signaling to you that you’re too dumb to handle your workload,” she noted. “Get the hell out of here before your ineptitude drags down the rest of the student body.”

In light of this conclusive study, Cornell Health recommends that burned-out students do not reach out for support. “There is no cure for being a moron,” explained therapist Jenna Rickman. “You may as well just stamp the word ‘idiot’ on your forehead.”

Cornell Dining Reveals Secret Ingredient in Vegan Cookies: “It’s butter!”

After ten years of proud service as Head Chef of Cornell Dining, Jeremy Rogers finally revealed in a tell-all interview how he bakes his world-famous vegan cookies. According to Rogers, the trick to making his plant-based desserts so delicious has been none other than fresh butter churned right at the Cornell Dairy farm.

Rogers explained that he initially did not consider using butter in his vegan recipes; in fact, the inspiration to try it was merely a stroke of luck. “It was an absolute ‘eureka!’ moment,” he said. “I remember thinking, ‘why aren’t more chefs doing this?’”

Dining Manager Melissa Stone says Rogers’ inventive recipes have transformed how students eat on campus. “One of our greatest accomplishments at Cornell has been making the vegan lifestyle more accessible for students,” Stone said. “We have Jeremy to thank for that.”

Student Tina Lee ‘26 fondly recalls the day she first tried her favorite vegan treats on campus. “When I took a bite, I said ‘I can’t believe it’s not butter!’ We all had a big laugh about that later on.”

In response to student protests that chefs should use vegan butter instead, Cornell Dining issued a public statement: “In our pursuit of making vegan desserts taste authentic, we see no better solution than pure, free-range, grass-fed, cow’s milk butter.” 

When it comes to employing creativity in culinary pursuits, cookies are just the tip of the iceberg for Rogers. When asked how he makes his iconic vegan chocolate cake during the interview, Rogers offered a roguish grin: “The trick is a couple of eggs,” he replied.

Happy Black History Month! Toni Morrison Hall Replaces Cheese Pizza With “African-Inspired Red Sauce Cheesy Flatbread” for Month of February

To celebrate the contributions of Black Americans for Black History Month, Cornell Dining has released an all-new menu to Toni Morrison Dining Hall this February. Among the new dishes is 

an “African-inspired Red Sauce Cheesy Flatbread” that will replace the dining hall’s signature cheese pizza for the remainder of the month.

“We wanted to make sure that we represented the diversity of what I have just now learned is known as ‘the African Diaspora,’” said Greg Bullis, Director of Cornell University Dining. “Through bringing dishes from places like Nigeria, Ghana, and uh, the other ones, to our campus, we hope to grow an appreciation for the flavors of Africa.”

The menu, which was created by “a diverse group of people of all races and nationalities,” includes inventive dishes such as “West African Noodles and Butter,” “East African Salad with Spiced East African Dressing,” and “North African Mineral Water.” Students from all cultures, such as Sebastiano Romano ‘25, are taking full advantage of the dining hall’s mosaic of African flavors.

“I used to think that African food was very foreign to me and that I wouldn’t enjoy its flavors,” said Romano, an international student from Italy, “but the African-Inspired Red Sauce Cheesy Flatbread is amazing!”

The positive reception of this year’s menu has inspired Cornell Dining to continue its initiative in the coming years. According to Director Bullis, a green bean casserole inspired by the Horn of Ethiopia and a meatloaf with “influences from the Swahili language” are currently being developed for the 2025 menu.

The Cornell Dining team will continue its inclusion efforts for Asian American Pacific Islander Heritage Month in May, with Indian-inspired Tomato Parmesan Naan and Japanese-inspired Noodles with Japanese-sounding sauce, which they believe is sure to be a hit with students from all across the Western Hemisphere.   

New Sub-Letter Either Kinda Shy or Kinda Gonna Eat You

COLLEGE AVE—Though Adam Valla ‘25 had high hopes for his new roommate, things have been off to a rocky start. While Valla is pretty sure that his new roommate, Clay Trop ‘24, is just a little timid, he might also desire to cut Valla up into tiny pieces.

“Last week he had a friend over to the apartment for the first time ever,” recalled Valla. “Today there’s 20 tupperware containers of chili meal-prepped in the fridge. I mean, what am I supposed to think? He asked me if I wanted any and of course I said no,” explained Valla. “Shit. What if he was trying to reach out?”

Trop has been observed mopping and wiping down apartment surfaces, clearly demonstrating his desire to either do his fair share of housework or learn which chemicals best remove blood from the apartment’s hardwood floors. Trop has also taken a special interest in Valla’s schedule, including course locations, times, and classmates. While this likely indicates that the pair of housemates are running out of small talk topics, it also provides Trop with the necessary information to execute a clandestine murder plot.

“Yesterday I saw him staring at the kitchen knives. Or maybe the spatulas,” said Valla. “And I think he’s collecting my hair, but I probably shouldn’t keep leaving it in the shower drain,” Valla continued. “One time he told me that he likes hunting. Hunting what? I feel like I don’t know anything about him. I need to ask him to lunch…or move out. One of the two.”

The true nature of Trop’s intentions continued to vex Valla after Trop spent all weekend alone in his bedroom watching Criminal Minds.

Insufferable Coffee Chat Terminated By Collapse of Olin Library Ceiling

OLIN LIBRARY—Many library goers were infuriated by the disruptive collapse of the Olin Library ceiling, caused by the excessive construction. However, those who have experienced the relentlessly tedious, pain-in-the-ass ritual that is the coffee chat will understand the relief of Lonnie Roth ‘26 and Mike Juarez ‘27 as their insufferable meeting was cut short by the crushing weight of the entire library ceiling.

The comments exchanged by the pair that day, while generally meaningless, were made even more useless by the incessant ruckus of the ongoing construction. Portions of the vapid questioning were overheard by library patrons:

“So, what first drew you to consulting?” 

“Well–” KA-DUNK-KA-DUNK-KA-DUNK “–a real passion for–” CLANK-CLANK-CLANK “–abundant wealth–” WHIRRR DUH-DUH-DUH WHIRRR “–just the best people.” 

A glimmer of hope returned to the deadened, joyless eyes of the pair of coffee chatters as the rank, decrepit ceiling finally gave way. Later, when questioned at Cayuga Medical Center, the two students described the ordeal. 

“It was excruciatingly, mind-numbingly painful. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. At times, I even had to close my eyes to distract myself from the agony. But then, thank goodness, the coffee chat ended and we were crushed by two tons of debris,” shared Mike Juarez ‘27. 

Following the incident, dozens of coffee chatters have flocked to Olin Library in the hopes that they too might have their agonizing meetings ended prematurely by catastrophic accidents. 

Stickless Big Round Puck Hockey Team Wins Match

BARTELS RINK—Enthusiastic and slightly confused Cornell sports fans packed the stands this past weekend at what some called “the strangest hockey game ever.”

“I’d never seen anything like it,” shared Connel McMillen ‘25. “The ice rink was rectangular and the players didn’t have hockey sticks. The puck was round and orange and they sort of bounced it around the rink? The biggest difference though was probably that this hockey team won their game! Super exciting changes!”

The coach of Cornell’s alternative hockey team shared that he had never seen such a turnout for a game but is thrilled that the student body is starting to take notice of other talented groups on campus besides Cornell’s ice hockey team.

“To be honest, I didn’t realize that Cornell had other hockey teams. But after this weekend’s game, I have really gotten into stickless-big-round-puck hockey and even other hockeys like kick-round-puck-with-feet hockey and row-long-boat-fast hockey,” commented Aaron Patil ‘27.

Even Cornell’s regular puck-with-stick-on-ice hockey team showed their support for their stickless, orange puck wielding brothers this past Saturday, with signs that read “Hockey Rules! Basketball Drools!” A heartwarming sentiment, although students were a bit puzzled by the second statement.