Tag Archives: Cornell

Student Won’t Stop Bragging About his Back of Mezzanine Tickets for Eric Andre

STATLER HALL— After spending his entire 10:10 class waiting in a digital queue to get mezzanine seat 18E for Eric Andre’s upcoming show, Ben Kilbourne ‘21 reportedly “won’t shut the fuck up” about his sucessful purchase of single ticket. “All these losers are posting on Facebook about how they missed Read More

EDM Fan Pissed She Can’t Complain About Slope Day Artist This Year

COLLEGETOWN PLAZA—After weeks of anticipation for being able to complain to everyone she talks to about the upcoming Slope Day artist, EDM fan Tina Neves ‘20 was devastated to learn the concert will be headlined by Steve Aoki, an artist she is actually excited to see. “I can’t fucking believe Read More

Student Forgets iClicker, Confident He Can Download, Set up Mobile App Before Question Closes

URIS G01—After facing an iClicker question in lecture and realizing he left his iClicker at home, Chad Morrison ‘22 began the process of purchasing the Reef app, confident he could set everything up before the question closed. “Yeah, it shouldn’t be too hard,” Morrison said. “Eduroam is pretty fast in Read More

Trustee Meeting on Improving University Transparency Closed to Public

DAY HALL—In response to mounting criticism, the Board of Trustees has announced to the Cornell community that their meeting to address the matter of insufficient university transparency will be closed to the public. “We would like to reiterate to the students, faculty, and staff who form the heart of this Read More

Dyson Junior Networks Too Hard, Marries Goldman Sachs Recruiter

SAGE CHAPEL—After schmoozing with Goldman Sachs recruiter Meredith Hook at a company information session last Thursday, Zackary Chase ‘20 found himself in a marriage engagement, rather than landing a prestigious job as he originally intended. “When I handed her my resume and she saw my 2.79 GPA, I thought I Read More

Goldman Sachs Resume Sorting Algorithm Totally into Hiking Too

198.58.106.214—AEM Junior Todd McKleary recently struck a chord with the robot responsible for sorting resumes submitted to Goldman Sachs after it was discovered the two share an interest in hiking. The algorithm, licensed by Goldman Sachs from UK-based system provider Oleeo, has been ranking resumes for nearly half a decade Read More

After Polo Coach’s Ousting, Croquet Coach Shaking in his Boots

OXLEY EQUESTRIAN CENTER—After Cornell’s massively successful polo coach was mysteriously retired, Cornell athletics has been speculating about who might be next; the very decorated croquet coach Victor Swarthmore ‘79 in particular has been shaking in his patent leather boots. Indeed, the croquet team’s famously prestigious reputation, like polo’s, might not Read More

Freshman Unsure Which Washing Machine Full of Cornell T-Shirts is Hers

LOW RISE 6—Freshman Rachel Xiong’s first attempt at doing laundry since coming to college was brought to a halt yesterday after she could not determine which load of red and gray Cornell t-shirts belonged to her. “It’s a complete disaster. I put all my clothes in there—Arts and Sciences T-shirts Read More