Tag Archives: Cornell

Cornell Introduces New “Sluggish Tests” That Provide Results in 15 Days

DAY HALL—Students across campus have been left in suspense after administration announced that Ithaca campus residents are now required to take “sluggish tests” that produce results in fifteen days.  “Sluggish tests are the perfect diagnostic tool for this stage of the pandemic,” attested President Pollack via email. “In a mere Read More

Cornell Dining Ranked Tenth in the Nation with Rusty’s Cafe, Fifth in the Nation Without

ITHACA, NY—Once again, Cornell students can proudly claim they have access to one of the best dining programs across the nation. The university marked a special case for the Princeton Review’s Great Campus Food ranking list, qualifying as tenth in the nation with the inclusion of Rusty’s Cafe and fifth Read More

“Jingle Bells, This Professor Smells” Writes Student In Devastating Christmas-Themed Course Evaluation

IVES HALL—Professor Parker Wallace was taken aback early Monday morning when he received an email that each student in his Introduction To Organizational Behavior class had already completed their anonymous online course evaluation. Spending a few minutes perusing their comments over a cup of coffee, Wallace reached the very last Read More

Class Highbrow Taking Notes with Quill and Ink

ROCKEFELLER HALL––In an astonishing feat of academic prowess during his FWS class last Monday, Finley Bamford-Schermerhorn ‘25 inscribed his notes using a quill and ink set. As if his writing instrument didn’t automatically secure his status as the intellectual heavyweight of the group, Bamford-Schermerhorn proceeded to share a comment that Read More

Professor Six Chapters Behind in Lecture Going to Put All That Shit in Final Anyways

ROCKEFELLER HALL—After a semester in which the bulk of the material was pushed to the last few days of class, Professor James Kent ‘88 has decided the best solution is to just assume all his students know it anyways and put it all in the final exam. “I’m so sorry Read More

OP-ED: My Favorite Part of Thanksgiving? When We Fill The Turkey’s Turkussy With Other Foods, Of Course!

NEW JERSEY — Thanksgiving holiday traditions are a warm way to kick off the season for families across the nation, and I personally cannot wait for this week’s festivities. From watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade to watching some football between helpings, families everywhere have their own little traditions that Read More

Residually Warm Olin Seat Reminder of Comforting Embrace of Womb

OLIN LIBRARY—At the end of his stressful prelim season, Mark Velazquez ‘24 was finally able to snag one of the first floor desks at Olin to get some dreaded work done, only to make a bittersweet observation of the womb-like warmth left by the seat’s prior occupant. “I remembered what Read More

Transferable Skills Not Transferable, Not Skills

NEW YORK CITY—Despite a well-established pipeline from the Sage School of Philosophy to the absolute dregs of society, Winston Chan ‘21 has found his post-graduate transition to be difficult upon the discovery that his so-called “transferable skills” were neither transferable, nor skills.  “As a philosophy major at Cornell, I was Read More

Cornell Renames Mascot “Field Goal the Bear” to Set More Realistic Standards for Athletic Teams

TEAGLE HALL—In the wake of yet another painful defeat for the football team, Cornell Athletic Director Andy Noel announced that in order to lessen the crippling weight of expectations, the university would be renaming its mascot from Touchdown to Field Goal, effective immediately. “Like all of our varsity teams, Big Read More

Dank Frat Basement Designated as Protected Wetland Habitat by New York State

STEWART AVENUE—In a landmark moment for environmental lobbyists, the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation officially moved to protect the invariably flooded Beta Phi Tau house basement as a critical wetland habitat. “It was almost like a dream come true when our surveyors stumbled across this swamp, nearly untouched Read More