Cornell

“All class materials are included in CAMP,” Says Professor About to Make You Pay $75 for Their Textbook “Historiography of Antidisestablishmentarianism in Bovine Bookshelves Across Diasporic Communities”

Nooz Staff2 weeks ago2 weeks ago02 mins

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Professor James was happy to announce in his class on Friday that “all class materials are included in CAMP.” He was, of course, mere moments away from making each and every student pay $75 for his textbook, Historiography of Antidisestablishmentarianism in Bovine Bookshelves Across Diasporic Communities. His new book, which fills a critical…

NOOZ VIEWS: CU Nooz Editorial Board Endorses Folk/Bluegrass Category on Slope Day Survey

Nooz Staff3 weeks ago1 week ago02 mins

The first Slope Day Survey dropped this week, kicking off months of deliberation to decide who Cornell will pay for students to black out and not see. Past years have featured a vast array of artists with one song you kind of know, most of which produce pop, rap, or EDM music. The genres of…

New Top Load Washers Claim First Victim

Nooz Staff3 weeks ago2 weeks ago02 mins

DONLON HALL—What started as a routine laundry day quickly turned into a spin cycle of chaos when Jacob Yates ‘28 found himself headfirst in the dorm’s new top-load washing machine. Yates was attempting to retrieve “the world’s most elusive sock” when he leaned in too far and fell squarely into the machine’s dark grasp. Yates…

Please, I’m So Hungry: CU Print on Page 3 out of 11

Nooz Staff4 weeks ago2 weeks ago03 mins

URIS—Amidst the hubbub of the evening exodus from campus libraries as students wrapped up their studying for the night, one student remained trapped in a purgatory of his own making: his print job was less than 30 percent of the way done. As the vile machine cranked out inch by agonizing inch, Johnny Keagan ’26…

OP-ED: Fuck, Time to Scrap That “Worker’s Rights” Theme Year

Nooz Staff1 month ago4 weeks ago02 mins

As the newly appointed president of Cornell University, I know I have many challenges coming my way. With tensions rising across college campuses, I have to act quickly. That is why the absolute most important thing for me to do on the first day on the job is to brainstorm a new theme year. I…

Freshman from England Used to Eating Inedible Food

Nooz Staff1 month ago4 weeks ago03 mins

MORRISON DINING—In just their first week on campus, freshmen have been subjected to unsavory dining hall food due to the ongoing strike of Cornell Dining workers. In response, many of these new students and their parents have taken to social media to express their frustrations. One student, however, doesn’t seem to mind the new dining…

Brace Faced Nerd Clocktower to Wear Headgear All Summer

Nooz Staff6 months ago4 weeks ago02 mins

MCGRAW TOWER—Despite hoping for a fresh-faced, clean-toothed summer, McGraw Tower ‘1891 recently discovered it must spend Slope Day with its headgear still intact. This news came as a shock to the Cornell community, who now had no choice but to see the clocktower as a massive geek. According to Orthodontist John Stern, Tower possesses “teeth…

Pathetic Zeus Visitor Not Good Enough for Pristine Marble Table, Exiled to Weak Little Wooden Bench

Nooz Staff6 months ago4 weeks ago02 mins

Hoping for a shot at joining the elites of Cornell, Michael White ‘26 entered the alluring seating area of Temple of Zeus. As the unspoken meeting place for aesthetically blessed students, the radiant marble tables glistened seductively as he passed. But White stirred up trouble when he attempted to find an available seat, eliciting shock…

Environmentalism Win! Water Fountain has Saved 57i37eN.0 Bottles of Water

Nooz Staff7 months ago7 months ago02 mins

Cornell University has positioned itself as a champion of sustainability amidst Ithaca’s expansive wilderness, adopting practices like charging students for reusable containers and slapping the color green on things. Chief among these practices is the proliferation of water bottle filling stations, many of which claim to have prevented water bottle usage up to amounts such…

Leprechaun Under Linden Street Sewers Suddenly 30 iPhones Richer

Nooz Staff7 months ago7 months ago03 mins

LINDEN STREET—While Saint Patrick’s Day festivities are beloved by students with excessively bright green shirts and the Irish alike, for kleptomaniac and short king Barry Finnegan ‘25, it presents an opportunity like no other: a large mob of drunk darty-ers. Dressed as a leprechaun, the young Irish student spends the holiday shambling in a sewer…

Uh Oh! Friend Immediately Agreeing to Plan Might Be a Loser

“Mark Robinson Was Busy,” Cornell Republicans Explain Decision to Invite Ben Shapiro to Campus

Fakest, Nastiest Bitch You Know Dressed As Angel Instead of Devil

“Hey Why is That Guy in the Cop Costume Using Tear Gas on Innocent Civilians?” Frat Doorman Realizes He Messed Up Big Time

Dark Academia? I Am Sad and Have To Do Homework

Hordes of Soulless Undead Converge at Morgan Stanley Networking Session

“All class materials are included in CAMP,” Says Professor About to Make You Pay $75 for Their Textbook “Historiography of Antidisestablishmentarianism in Bovine Bookshelves Across Diasporic Communities”

NOOZ VIEWS: CU Nooz Editorial Board Endorses Folk/Bluegrass Category on Slope Day Survey

New Top Load Washers Claim First Victim

Please, I’m So Hungry: CU Print on Page 3 out of 11

OP-ED: Fuck, Time to Scrap That “Worker’s Rights” Theme Year

Freshman from England Used to Eating Inedible Food

Brace Faced Nerd Clocktower to Wear Headgear All Summer

Pathetic Zeus Visitor Not Good Enough for Pristine Marble Table, Exiled to Weak Little Wooden Bench

Environmentalism Win! Water Fountain has Saved 57i37eN.0 Bottles of Water

Leprechaun Under Linden Street Sewers Suddenly 30 iPhones Richer