Tag Archives: Cornell

OP-ED: So-Called “Perfect Match” Won’t Even Let Me Touch Her Feet

With all the buzz surrounding Valentine’s Day and everyone’s excitement about receiving their Perfect Match results, I just wanted to put this out there: last year, the girl who was supposed to be my “perfect match” wouldn’t let me anywhere near her feet.  While there was a lot of big Read More

Cornell Suggests Using Reef Polling App To DNC

DAY HALL—Following the bungled use of a tabulation app at the Iowa Caucuses, Cornell has officially offered to train the DNC on how to use the university-adopted iClicker Reef polling app.  “We here at Cornell know that there is no better way to quickly calculate poll results than by using Read More

“I’m Really Worried About Coronavirus,” Says Student Who Literally Drank Piss During Rush

STATLER HALL—As concern mounts over the spread of the 2019 Novel Coronavirus, Jonah Frayer ’23 has been telling everyone he knows about the hygiene issues that led to the virus’s spread, despite drinking actual human urine during this semester’s rush festivities. “It’s such a crisis. The incubation period is  a Read More

Cornell Human Development Study Confirms Bitches Really Do Be Like That

MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL — Whether it comes to common choices in clothing, similar affectations, or extreme emotional reactions, bitches really do be like that, a pioneering new study has confirmed. Looking at behaviors such as daily horoscope checking, writing notes in five different colors, and making 5-11 Instagram story Read More

Asian Student Asked If He Visited Wuhan Over Break

COLLEGETOWN—In the wake of the novel coronavirus epidemic, classmates, friends, and other acquaintances of Bryan Pham ‘21 have all asked about his winter break travel plans. Specifically about his proximity to Wuhan, the capital city of the Hubei province of China and the epicenter of the coronavirus outbreak. “I heard Read More

Correct Answer to Consulting Firm Case Interview Starting to Seem Like Mass Genocide

BARNES HALL- Interviewing for a summer internship with elite consulting firm McKidney & Company, local AEM major Angela Brighten ’21 reportedly felt obliged to suggest the mass slaughter of civilians as the best solution to a case study. McKidney’s Charles DePrice began the interview by reading a case prompt to Read More

Mock Trial Team Excited by Prospect of Real Lawsuit

DAY HALL — Following recent hazing allegations, members of Cornell Mock Trial are eagerly anticipating the potential for legal action. “We practice our courtroom skills for competitions all year, but we never get to do any real lawyer stuff,” said club President Michael Saks ‘20. “If we get the chance Read More

Ultra-Powerful Gaming Laptop Used for School

IVES HALL—Overclocking his 9th Generation Intel Core and NVIDIA GeForce RTX to open yet another Wikipedia tab, Dennis Murphy ‘23 pushed the absolute limits of his Razer Blade Pro 17 to write an essay for his FWS.  With each keystroke, the keys on Murphy’s individually backlit ghost-proof Chroma keyboard flashed Read More

University to Construct Giant Nipple Atop Bailey Hall

BAILEY HALL—In keeping with the university’s requirement to continually construct buildings in the contemporary style, Cornell has announced plans to construct an enormous nipple towering above Bailey Hall’s 1,324 seats, reminding all who enter of a nipple. “When I was walking by Bailey Hall during my usual campus rounds the Read More

OP-ED: So We’re Just Not Going to Address the Naked Hercules Statue? That’s Normal for Us? Ok.

When you stepped onto campus for the very first time, probably the summer before your senior year of high school, and were lead bright-eyed throughout Cornell’s bucolic paths and hallowed halls on a prospective student tour, what cute little trivialities did your tour guide tell you? Was it good old Read More