Tag Archives: Cornell

“I’m Just Gonna Lay Down for a Bit,” Says Student Changing into Pajamas at Noon

COLLEGETOWN—After exiting the first Zoom class of her day, April Woodward ‘22 surprised her roommates by changing into her pajamas and announcing that she was going to have a bit of a lie-down. “It’s not something I do every day,” she said as she turned on her 10-hour “afternoon naps”  Read More

Cornell’s Stray Cats Enter Week Three Of Vicious Turf War Over D.P. Dough Dumpster

COLLEGETOWN- To the dismay of many Cornellians, the street battle that has been waged by two feline tribes over rights to the dumpster behind D.P. Dough has continued to rage on for a third consecutive week. With much of the bloodshed being accompanied by hours of hissing and growling, residents Read More

OP-ED: Friend Who Studies Info Sci Thinks I Know What That Means

ITHACA—It was a lovely Tuesday afternoon as I was strolling through Collegetown, with a $6 CTB latte in hand and beams of sunlight cascading onto the skin of vitamin-D deficient Cornellians. It was a good day. Or so I thought, until I ran into my friend Jim.  One might think: Read More

OP-ED: If the Professor’s Question Was Really Addressed to a Woman, Then Why Did I Answer It?

I’m an intelligent guy. I got a four on the AP Biology exam three years ago, so I’d say I know pretty much everything there is to know about science. So when my BIOG 2020 professor seemingly addressed a question to my female classmate this morning, I knew I had Read More

Weird New COVID Guidelines Recommend Making Direct Eye Contact with Employees During Surveillance Testing

BARTELS HALL—In a move that many students and staffers have deemed “confusing” and “kind of creepy,” Cornell’s new guidelines to help prevent the spread of COVID-19 included a suggestion that students undergoing surveillance tests should stare directly at their tester as they count down from ten. “I was confused when Read More

“I’m Not Sure If They’ll Let Me Say This These Days,” Says Senior Lecturer About to Say Most Horrifying Thing You’ve Ever Heard

PHILLIPS HALL—Students were left horrified this Tuesday after senior lecturer Timothy Ostgarden paused his 8 am lecture to remark, “Now, I’m not sure if they’ll let me say these days,” before embarking on a thirty minute screed against women, minorities, the LGBT community, and the Irish. “I’m disappointed in Dr. Read More

Sun Readers Losing Hope After 33 Straight Fridays Without New Articles in The BLK Voices Series

ITHACA—Avid Cornell Daily Sun readers have become discouraged after seven consecutive months without an update to the paper’s “Blk Voices” column. Despite starting out strong with two poems focusing on the experiences of Black Americans, the project has not added a third installment.  “I suppose it’s possible they just ran Read More

“Egads, I’ve Been Foiled Again!” Cries Would-Be Hacker Stymied by Canvas Two-Factor Authentication

UNKNOWN—After attempting for months to break into the Cornell Canvas mainframe, a nefarious hacker who is known as “The Marauder” on online message boards looked on in horror as the website informed him that he could not proceed without a second authentication factor. “Blast! Those conniving Cornelians foiled my Machiavellian Read More

OP-ED: Getting Phoebe Bridgers To Perform A Virtual Concert Is The Closest Thing Cornell Has Done To Acknowledge Depression Amongst Students

ITHACA—In a stunning reversal of university policies and practices, Cornell has finally taken action to address the allegations that Cornell students disproportionately experience depression, compared to their peers at other colleges. It’s no secret that many Cornellians are overwhelmed, stressed, and/or depressed, and for decades the student body has appealed Read More

Parents Who Said College Would Be “The Best Four Years of Your Life” Conveniently Quiet Now

Los Angeles—After a completely dry semester spent playing Among Us and aimlessly staring at the ceiling of his dorm lounge, Trent Jackson ’24 began listing the names of the lying adults who told him college would be “the best four years” of his life.  “My dad used to tell me Read More