ITHACA—With less than a week until graduation, the class of 2022 has been feeling sentimental, especiallysenior Michael Cohan who claims to “want to savor every moment” and do so by partying hard enough to be blacked out the entire week.
“These are the last days I’ll have with my best friends,” lamented Cohan. “No more watching the sunset from the roof, no more late nights cramming for an exam, no more midnight 7/11 runs. I don’t want to forget a single second.” Cohan paused and took a large swig of a handle of vodka at his hip, before vomiting his entire lunch onto Linden Ave and collapsing from dehydration.
Senior week, the week between the end of final exams and graduation, is a time of celebration for graduates and for parties that start during the day and continue throughout the night, accompanied by copious amounts of alcohol. When asked about his senior week plans, Cohan replied that he was “planning to go through a case a day.”
“Yeah he’s not going to remember anything,” commented Winston Popperfield ‘22, one of Cohan’s housemates. “He stopped drinking water two days ago so that he can save room for more alcohol. It’ll be a miracle if he remembers graduation, or even makes it to graduation. But hey, at least he’ll be having fun.”
At press time, Cohan had no recollection of this interview.
IVES HALL–Following four years of social activism, labor history, and education critical of corporate America, graduating seniors in Cornell’s School of Industrial and Labor Relations are itching to drop the act and use that knowledge to destroy unions for large sums of money.
“It’s been four years of hard work, twenty-page essays, and thousands of pages of reading,” announced James Jones ‘22. “My entire undergraduate career was spent building a greater understanding of the socioeconomic forces that have kept the working class down for centuries. It was enlightening, exhausting, and often frustrating. But finally, us seniors can go out into the world and help large corporations fuck over anyone earning less than $120,000 per year.”
During the end-of-year Alpern Awards, school administrators and professors honored students for their achievements in union organizing, social justice, and academia, handing out awards that were immediately slapped on resumes and used to secure positions in Fortune 500 mergers and acquisitions departments.
“Here at the ILR School, we pride ourselves in developing a strong sense of civic duty in our students that they completely ignore in their professional lives,” bragged Dean Alan White ‘85. “The ILR School was designed to be a place where progressive, worker-based ideology gets completely ignored as soon as it conflicts with corporate interests, which is why Cornell ILR is famous for busting its grad student union and the Pepsi-Co Auditorium.”
Responding to allegations that student dining hall workers are excluded from union membership by the school, administrators claimed that because all the students it actually cares about would never take a job at Jansen’s anyways, it doesn’t matter if “student workers” are paid less.
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL–In a refreshing bout of honesty, Cornell’s most exclusively selective premier business club, Cornell Opportunity Consulting, celebrated their graduating class with a new tradition: sharing how thankful all the returning members are to never have to see them again.
“Samantha, if it wasn’t for Cornell Opportunity Consulting I would never have had the misfortune of meeting you,” began COC’s president Benjamin Snee ’23, loading up a pretty deck of slides to provide graphic support for his speech. “I can confidently say I dreaded reading every single text you sent me, like, bitch… you need a therapist, not an e-board position. Thank fucking god you’re gone next year. And, your boyfriend sucks.”
Other speakers at the celebration harkened it as a cathartic exercise in self-care.
“For far too long we’ve been forced to make up fake platitudes for our graduating members, as if they were an important part of our time here at Cornell or something,” said Nicole Truly ‘24 through tears of joy. “Like fuck, what am I supposed to say? That I can’t imagine Cornell without them? I totally can! It’d so much better!”
The event brought unique challenges to the speakers unfamiliar with the social norms of letting their true opinions be heard.
“Before, I was worried because I thought I had nothing negative to say about Kevin. He could give me a rec for a job, you know,” said Nicholas Wilhelm Lee ‘24. “But then he opened his ugly ass mouth, and I remembered this is the dude who derails every goddamn meeting with his ‘humor.’ Good riddance.”
The seniors could be found later complaining that they should have hazed the new members.
LIBE SLOPE— In one of their most desperate pleas for attention to date, the Student Assembly has decided to meddle in Slope Day, cordially inviting one of the most commercially successful bands of all time to work unpaid for a bunch of undergraduates behind the backs of actual event organizers.
“Planning Slope Day on a limited budget is a huge task, and we appreciate everyone who has worked on it thus far,” said SA Representative Alina Clapton ‘22. “There are so many considerations to make, like payment, security, event timing, and more. Our solution was not to consider any of those things and treat this like a third grade birthday party clown reservation.”
Beyond the absurdity of the proposal itself, one final hurdle exists to getting the band back together: two of the four members passed away decades ago, including the addressee of the SA’s gambit. The Assembly’s legislation accounts for this, however, offering the band “their lifelong gratitude” if the band could find it within themselves to defeat death itself. Leaders of the Slope Day Programming Board have expressed their distaste at this move.
“What the fuck?” asked Slope Day planner Alex Lammers ‘22. “First of all, what the hell makes them think they can just make changes to our event without asking us? I thought the SA was insufferable when they took themselves seriously, but those power-hungry resume padders are even worse when they pretend to be funny. Even if the Beatles return from the dead, that means extra security and a ton of extra costs. And the music would suck! Who wants to hear a bunch of 70-year olds sing about holding hands and being British?”
Responding to requests for comment, representatives claimed that they were “close personal friends and enthusiasts of John” and promised to consider the concerns of event planners, unless of course that consideration meant anything that would negatively impact their resume.
HO PLAZA–Tour guide Lupe Dimas ‘24 wowed a crowd of eager parents Friday morning by demonstrating how to gain the trust of easily frightened Cornell students before using them as their own personal measuring stick with which to compare their children.
“A lot of these parents think they can just walk up to students like at Ithaca College, but they need to understand that Cornellians are delicate creatures,” said Dimas, setting out a bowl of Monster to lure nearby students. “They’re weak and undernourished from a diet of Goldie’s soups. Many of them have been hurt by previous chem partners and are afraid to trust someone from Westchester again. Asking students about their SAT scores too quickly just once can cause them to fear social interactions for years afterwards.”
Dimas was cut off by the sound of rustling in the bushes as Shana Ephraim ‘22 emerged from the undergrowth for her daily Okenshields lunch. Dimas quickly dropped into a low crouch and offered her hand for Ephraim to sniff. Although Ephraim was initially hesitant, Dimas’s nonthreatening body language and averted eyes slowly won her over and within a matter of minutes she was eating Awake chocolates from Dimas’s hand.
“I’m glad today was successful, but asking students about their scores without proper training can be dangerous,” said Dimas once Ephraim had listed all her SAT subject tests. “Even with tender love and care, not all Cornellians can be acclimated to tour groups. I’ve seen parents lose fingers because they don’t realize scared Archies can bite. My advice to parents is to leave questions about GPA to the professionals, and not to bring up the ACT until they’ve had plenty of practice asking about extracurriculars first.”
At press time Ephraim was startled by a sudden question about AP scores, breaking the air of delicate trust and sending her sprinting back into the bushes.
CORNELL HEALTH—Administrators from Cornell Health and Safety introduced a new member of their team this morning: Godfrey the Knee-Licking Goblin.
“We thought it was past time to fight back against the epidemic that is guys wearing 5” inseam shorts in the middle of winter,” announced Arnold Riggs, newly appointed director of C.U.P.D. (Cornell University Patellar Division). The task force consists of Riggs and ten “goblin handlers” whose job it is to “keep fatalities to a minimum.” Godfrey himself sports a five-foot-long prehensile tongue and two rows of razor-sharp teeth.
“There are a few kinks that need to be worked out,” Riggs admitted. “Godfrey is a dedicated and caring creature, but once he gets a taste for blood, there is no stopping him.” Riggs went on to describe the process of training the goblin, which involved spreading peanut butter on mannequins’ legs and “only rewarding [Godfrey] when the knees were licked squeaky clean.”
“Anyone wearing pants has no cause for concern,” Riggs said in his closing statements. “We project a 75% decrease in frostbite-related knee injuries this winter. Come summer, Godfrey will be put into cryosleep, where his hunger for knees will grow until he is released again next fall.”
Several students expressed support for the new initiative. “It’s clear they have students’ best interests in mind,” said George Basset ‘23, licking his lips. “Campus will be a better place because of it.”
Basset was later seen on Ho Plaza ripping holes down the front of his pants and asking passersby if they had any spare peanut butter.
COLLEGETOWN- This Monday, not yet yawning Naomi Morningstar ‘23 logged into Student Center to enroll in her senior year classes at the wee hours of the morning.
“We thought that this was the best call for the situation,” Cornell’s Dean of Academic Enrollment Tobias Nightingale explained. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen students in Duffield at 2:00am wailing about finishing their CS assignments, but there’s not a soul there at 7:30am. I like to walk through them when it’s completely empty and just sit in every chair, one by one. Really mark my scent, you know?”
Before Monday morning, Morningstar had last slept Friday between the hours of 5:00am and 3:00pm, happily snoring through three irrelevant lectures reviewing content for the three prelims she had this week. She then spent the weekend day-drinking before finally starting to study at 10:00pm last Sunday, at which time she worked for four hours (with intermittent 30 minute breaks every 10 minutes, obviously) until her pre-enrollment window opened.
“I really appreciate how much the administration thought about the welfare of their students in making this decision,” Morningstar exclaimed. “What kind of psychopath is awake at 7:30am and asleep at 2:00am? No one I’d want to associate with, that’s for sure.”
After sleeping 15 hours, Morningstar awoke and realized that she had accidentally enrolled in twelve different bowling sections instead of her required courses.
LIBE SLOPE—In a massive Earth Day victory for campus sustainability groups, local student and environmental warrior Devin Carmichael ‘24 helped save the planet by heroically kicking an empty beer can out of a walkway.
“I have a friend who’s an Environment and Sustainability major, so I’ve always been pretty attuned to issues with nature and stuff,” said Carmichael while filling his Jeep Grand Cherokee. “I wasn’t gonna let that can just sit in the middle of the path. Once I took a look and confirmed it was empty, I did what any student who wants to save the planet would do and nudged it over to some bushes.”
Carmichael, a CS major and avid blockchain enthusiast, has had little prior engagement with environmental coalitions on campus. Advocates for these groups suggest actions such as Carmichael’s reflect a rising tide of awareness and concern for sustainability initiatives.
“While Devin displayed some true determination and environmental consciousness with his profound efforts, such heroic deeds are only becoming more frequent,” said Monica Melendez ‘22, leader of Renewable Energy Cornell. “Just the other day I saw another student toss a plastic water bottle into a trash bin instead of leaving it on the ground somewhere. It’s these kinds of inspiring moments that give me hope that our generation will be the one to overcome environmental destruction.”
By press time, Cornell trustees had already decided to take advantage of the media uproar surrounding Carmichael’s activism by quietly investing in even more fossil fuels.
KENNEDY HALL—Professor Ray Farrow’s 11:00am biology lecture failed to conclude on time today despite a seemingly biblical intervention of frogs and locusts enveloping the auditorium. While the entrapped students pleaded with the course instructor to stop the class at the scheduled time, Professor Farrow could not be dissuaded by the barrage of amphibian interruptions.
“He just kept talking about this ‘really good YouTube video’ that he needed to show,” recalled Sam Levi ‘25, brushing locust limbs off his pant leg. “This thing was six minutes long and I couldn’t hear a word of it between all the croaking and buzzing. Professor Farrow just kept grinning at the screen and saying ‘That’s a really great point.’”
As the locusts began to crawl up Farrow’s tweed jacket, he proclaimed that “the frogs will probably eat the locusts,” and proceeded to the subsequent slide of his PowerPoint presentation. When Farrow’s lecture was momentarily delayed by a torrent of hail falling from the ceiling vent, he promptly sidestepped the new hazard and continued his explanation of the kinesin processive motor.
“I haven’t been on time to my next class once this semester,” said Hannah Lais ‘24. “When the frogs started coming out from under the seats, I was hopeful we might finally get out of here. I don’t think Professor Farrow even noticed, he was too busy trying to see if anyone wanted to ask him a question. No one ever asks any questions. The locusts were useless too, he just kept explaining how the current slide was ‘super critical for the next exam.’ I don’t think he knows how to read a clock.”
The students’ confinement came to an end after all the lights in the room suddenly went out, leaving the auditorium in total darkness and permitting the captives to flee. Professor Farrow then proceeded to present an additional ten lecture slides before graciously dismissing the empty classroom.
COLLEGETOWN– It was a typical afternoon for Bradley Worcestershire IV, ‘23 when a trip for a salted caramel frappuccino came to halt upon discovering that the Starbucks on College Ave was closed due to an ongoing labor strike being waged by its workers.
“It was odd, bro. I couldn’t really get why the workers were trying so hard to get a raise and like have health and safety precautions addressed and shit? Like can’t they just ask for one? Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go to when you could just get another job that pays more.”
Worcestershire, a hotelie and singular heir to multiple generations of accumulated wealth, couldn’t quite comprehend why anyone would ever want to work as a Starbucks barista, and decided to take matters into his own hands.
“I was really bothered by the whole thing, so I started doing some digging and I found out that Dunkin’ actually pays their workers $2.90 more as their starting wage. I asked them for a few job applications and I’m planning to drop them off at Starbs tomorrow morning. I should probably also tell them that they should like talk to their connections and shit about getting a better job or whatever.”
As of press time, Worcestershire was seen begging his father not to cave in to the pressure of his employees so as to preserve as much of his multi-billion dollar inheritance as possible.