Tag Archives: Cornell

OP-ED: I Refuse to Buy Coffee On Campus Unless There’s A Full Nativity Scene on My Cup

The change in weather and endless Jingle Bells on the radio can mean only one thing: Christmas is coming! That’s right, the best time of the year is here again. Get ready for some family fun, exchanging gifts, and the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. But along with Read More

Asshole Professor Assigns Reading When All the Other Shit Is Due

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL – In what is sure to be received as a total dick move by his Earth Science students, asshole Professor Robert Simpson assigned a ninety-page reading for Monday when all everyone’s other shit is due. “This guy’s a total shithead,” said Peter Clegg ‘17, turning two pages Read More

Formal Attire Compensates For Two Hours of Being Drunk and Trashy

BOATYARD GRILL – Looking like highly sophisticated and fully functioning members of society, attendees of Rho Upsilon Tau’s annual fall formal felt no lack of dignity despite several hours of behaving like trash and getting fucked up at a very nice venue. “It’s really great to enjoy a classy event with Read More

Lord Barista, Guardian of the Utensils, Fends Off Horde of Fork Thieves

LIBE CAFÉ—As hordes of malicious fork thieves seek to empty the coffers of Libe Café, the awe-inspiring Lord Barista, guardian of the utensils, stands at the ready to defend what’s left of the library’s plasticware. “Sorry, we can only give you a fork if you buy a salad, or sushi, Read More

Martha E. Pollack Welcome Party Clearly Planned With Someone Else in Mind

WILLARD STRAIGHT — Following invitations to ‘Celebrate our next female president,’ the Cornell Democrats’ welcome party for Cornell’s newly announced 14th president Martha E. Pollack seems planned with someone else clearly in mind. “A lifelong fighter for children and families, from her time at Wellesley College in the 1960s to Read More

Unidentified Loud Noise Makes Library Patrons Turn Heads Briefly

URIS LIBRARY – Students were temporarily distracted from studying when a loud thud echoed through the cocktail lounge today, taking their focus away from prelims for about ten seconds. “What was that?” mumbled Kerry Thomas ’18 to herself, who was finishing a problem set for her physics class at the Read More

Freshman Gives Up On Losing Virginity After Failing to Hook Up During O-Week

MEWS HALL– After failing to hook up during his first weekend of college, Freshman Jonny Waters is convinced that he will never fulfill his dream of losing his virginity and will therefore remain celibate for the rest of his life. “I went to a ton of parties, met some girls, Read More

Mother Interrupting Studying for Some Stupid, Unknown Sentimental Reason

OLIN — During an important study period before the last week of classes, Charlie Hodges ’19 was rudely interrupted with a barrage of affectionate texts from his mother, sent randomly and without context on the second Sunday in May. “Dusting your bookshelves and found your old copy of Peter Rabbit!! Read More

Paris Climate Conference Concludes Ice Cream Melting at a Faster Rate than Previously Thought

RPCC DINING HALL – The world’s leading climate scientists confirmed that the scoop of French vanilla ice cream Jordan Chaplain ’19 placed on top of his waffle has shown signs of premature deglaciation, at a rate much faster than experts previously surmised, as concluded at climate talks in Paris this Read More