“It’s So Hard to Make New Friends” Complains Guy Who Follows Exact Same Routine Every Day

NORTH CAMPUS—Cornellians are privileged to have access to such a wide variety of unique opportunities, and new students are always eager to take advantage of the multitude of offerings. Many freshmen have already forged new friendships through the abundance of extracurriculars that this university provides. Tragically, the dream college life has not materialized for one unlucky freshman, who is struggling to find his home at Cornell despite his best efforts to adhere to a strict routine every single day. 

“I’ve tried to reach out to people, but everyone here seems so closed-off,” lamented Shane Conley ‘27. “I usually make extended eye-contact with a girl I walk past on the Slope at 3:46 PM on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but today she wasn’t even there.”

Evidently, Conley hasn’t yet realized that his regimented daily routine may actually be inhibiting his social life. “Yesterday, after I found some kid sitting in MY spot, I panicked, pushed him off the chair, and dragged him across the floor to another table,” he admitted. “In my defense, I thought everyone knew that the Cocktail Lounge had assigned seating.” 

Variety might be the spice of life for most people, but Conley’s unwavering commitment to monotony, loneliness, and boredom is certainly impressive. Despite dissatisfaction with his admittedly pitiful social life, he staunchly refuses to attend club meetings or initiate conversations with his peers, arguing, “it requires effort to do so. And they might be weird.”

When asked if he has hobbies and interests that could save him from his dreary, repetitive life, Conley responded, “I love movies. I can never get enough of Groundhog Day.

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