Tag Archives: Student Life

OP-ED: I Get My Fruit From the Farmer’s Market and That Makes Me Fresher Than You

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AG QUAD – Oh hey, didn’t see you there. I was too busy nibbling on this artisanal gourd I bought at the farmer’s market. Wait, you don’t get your produce from the farmer’s market? Wow, that must make me fresher than you in every way. That’s right. I’m not paying Read More

“I’m Ruined!” Murmurs Jack’s Owner After Wings Over Ithaca Opens Across Street

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COLLEGETOWN — Following the grand opening of Wings Over Ithaca on Dryden Road in Collegetown, reports indicate that Jack’s Grill owner Kevin Sullivan was seen shaking his fist in the general direction of the new local competitor while murmuring phrases such as “I’m ruined!” and “it can’t be!”. “Dammit! That Read More

Attending College in Frozen Hellscape Finally Pays Off

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Photo By: Cornell Daily Sun

ITHACA, NY — Following the announcement that Cornell University classes will be canceled as of noon today because of a major snowstorm, reports indicate that attending college in a frozen hellscape such as Ithaca, New York, is finally paying off for students. “When I first started school at this frigid Read More

Cornell Students Announce Intentions to Get Drunk on Slope Day Regardless of Which Bands Are Performing

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Following the announcement of MisterWives, Big Gigantic, Brasstracks, and S’natra for the 2017 Slope Day concert, students across campus have begun declaring their intentions to get drunk at Slope Day regardless of who those bands are. “I honestly would have been fine not knowing the bands in the first place, Read More

Students Heading Home For Fall Break This February

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BAKER FLAGPOLE – Trudging through the cold February flurries to the West Campus bus stop, hundreds of students are heading home for the long Fall Break weekend. “My girlfriend and I were both too busy to actually be together on Valentine’s Day, so this Fall Break is our chance to Read More

Senior Decides It’s Already Too Late to Be Productive Over Winter Break

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PHILADELPHIA, PA — After getting out of bed at 1:45 PM and briefly considering looking at his calendar, Ted Jackson ‘17 concluded it was already too late to be productive over winter break. “I’m really trying to make the most out of the holidays,” Jackson said while gnawing on frozen Read More

Junior on Winter Break Unsure What to Do With Leftover Finals Anxiety

GREATER TRI-STATE AREA — After frantically packing and driving for five hours straight, Sharon Crane ‘18 arrived home for winter break with the leftover anxiety she stored up for finals still buzzing in her head. “I know that I’m done with exams and all of the stress is behind me, Read More

Okenshields Employees Unsure How to Handle Everybody Crying Into Their Salads

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OKENSHIELDS – Citing multiple instances of muffled sobbing, exasperated gasps, and flat out bawling, Okenshields employees are reportedly unsure how to deal with most patrons crying directly into their make-your-own salads. “Um, I mean I just kind of refill the spinach when it gets pretty low, but I feel like Read More