Tag Archives: Student Life

Freshman Unaware New Mentor is Actually Other Freshman

NORTH CAMPUS—Following fifteen days of relying on her newfound mentor for advice and guidance, Alexis Li ‘21 reportedly still hasn’t realized the knowledgeable student she always sees around North also first arrived on campus one month ago. “Ever since we met at Nasties, which is a popular upperclassman spot, the Read More

Ithaca Landlords Continue $80 Million Heist in Plain Sight

SOMEWHERE IN THE BAHAMAS—After citing an excessive influx of emails full of trivial complaints, Ithaca landlords stated that they will continue their $80 million heist in plain sight and there’s nothing you can do about it. “I do occasionally get questioned by tenants who demand to know dumb stuff like Read More

Student Eager to Fill Void Left By Game Of Thrones Finale With Binge Drinking

COLLEGETOWN—After last night’s explosive Game of Thrones finale, Stanley Climpton ‘19 has announced that he is ready to fill the gaping void left by Game of Thrones’ departure with heavy binge drinking. “Game of Thrones has been such a huge part of my life since the beginning of the show,” Read More

Former Intern Eager to Apply Newly Obtained Coffee-Fetching Skills

After three months of his internship at General Motors, Stuart Reed ‘18 is prepared to introduce his newly acquired coffee-fetching skills into the world of academia. “The real-world experiences I’ve gathered at GM will really contribute to my education, ” said Reed confidently. “As a marketing intern, I’ve grown accustomed Read More

OP-ED: I Get My Fruit From the Farmer’s Market and That Makes Me Fresher Than You

AG QUAD – Oh hey, didn’t see you there. I was too busy nibbling on this artisanal gourd I bought at the farmer’s market. Wait, you don’t get your produce from the farmer’s market? Wow, that must make me fresher than you in every way. That’s right. I’m not paying Read More

“I’m Ruined!” Murmurs Jack’s Owner After Wings Over Ithaca Opens Across Street

COLLEGETOWN — Following the grand opening of Wings Over Ithaca on Dryden Road in Collegetown, reports indicate that Jack’s Grill owner Kevin Sullivan was seen shaking his fist in the general direction of the new local competitor while murmuring phrases such as “I’m ruined!” and “it can’t be!”. “Dammit! That Read More

Attending College in Frozen Hellscape Finally Pays Off

Photo By: Cornell Daily Sun

ITHACA, NY — Following the announcement that Cornell University classes will be canceled as of noon today because of a major snowstorm, reports indicate that attending college in a frozen hellscape such as Ithaca, New York, is finally paying off for students. “When I first started school at this frigid Read More

Cornell Students Announce Intentions to Get Drunk on Slope Day Regardless of Which Bands Are Performing

Following the announcement of MisterWives, Big Gigantic, Brasstracks, and S’natra for the 2017 Slope Day concert, students across campus have begun declaring their intentions to get drunk at Slope Day regardless of who those bands are. “I honestly would have been fine not knowing the bands in the first place, Read More

Students Heading Home For Fall Break This February

BAKER FLAGPOLE – Trudging through the cold February flurries to the West Campus bus stop, hundreds of students are heading home for the long Fall Break weekend. “My girlfriend and I were both too busy to actually be together on Valentine’s Day, so this Fall Break is our chance to Read More