President Pollack Wishes a Happy Mother’s Day to All of the Students Whom she Denied Reproductive Healthcare

At an event on Mother’s Day, President Pollack expressed her appreciation for the strong women who bore the burden of populating the forthcoming Cornell class of 2045. 

“Happy Mother’s Day! Motherhood is the greatest gift in life– any mother will tell you that,” began Pollack. “Sooooo, you’re welcome!”

The celebration was highly interactive; inspired by award shows, President Pollack delivered personalized remarks to the mothers in the crowd.

“Wow, he’s so big already!’ she said to Monica Layton ‘25, who can no longer afford tuition due to the cost of diapers. “Did you have that thing this whole time… And you skipped your finals and dropped out for a semester to raise him? Wow! No one understands the meaning of dedication like a Cornellian.”

The flashing lights, blaring music, and smoke machines that surrounded Martha as she spoke on the Barton stage had an adverse effect on many of the event’s infants. Fortunately, during the reception, she was there to comfort the crying child of a new sophomore mother.

“Having a mommy who went to Cornell is nothing to cry about,” she said kneeling down to meet the eyes of Charlie ‘45. “Congrats on your acceptance, by the way!”

Nearing the end of the speech, Layton grew disgruntled at Pollack’s supposed “neglect for the student body.” 

“What’s the point of accumulating generational wealth if you’re not gonna use it?” responded Pollack. “All of these fancy tech internships and you can’t handle a little baby? C’mon, ladies.”

Senior Plays Around with Scheduler Just to See Pretty Colors, Shapes

URIS LIBRARY—Scheduler’s latest update never fails to excite Ethan Weiss ‘23.

“Ever since I was a freshman, I’ve looked forward to the release of the next version of Scheduler,” said Weiss, double major in art and geometry. “Sure, it’s technically available all year, but there’s nothing like getting your hands on a fresh slate of classes.”

His enthusiasm has confused some fellow library patrons.

“That guy’s a senior?” said Katie Jefferson ‘24. “He’s had Scheduler up for hours! His schedule’s bonkers, too. I figured he was a prefrosh that got left behind on a tour and decided to start planning his future.”

The judgment of his peers has not seemed to faze Weiss.

“My schedule? I don’t care about my schedule,” he said. “I care about my dear, dear Scheduler. HIST? PHIL? Who’s that? All that matters to me is how nicely they fit together, the contrast of their beautiful colors, the positioning of the boxes.”

At press time, Weiss has received notice that eight semesters’ schedules based entirely upon aesthetic pleasure do not, in fact, satisfy any distribution requirements and he will not be graduating this year.

BREAKING: Buildings Crumble as the Deafening Sound of 22,000 Voices Granted Freedom of Expression Roars Through Ithaca

ITHACA—Thousands of local Ithaca residents have lost their homes in the wake of a seismic disaster following an email from President Martha Pollack, which carelessly granted 22,000 individuals the right to freedom of expression. At 11:04 AM on April 17th, the sound of thousands of voices simultaneously expressing themselves radiated out from Cornell’s campus, razing entire neighborhoods and toppling infrastructure. 

“I was thankfully out of town when the event occurred. I remember, I was visiting my sister in Syracuse and I heard a faint rumbling in the distance. By the time I returned the next day, Ithaca had been completely obliterated. There was just a pile of dust where my house once was,” recalled Maria Bennett, an Ithaca local. “I am appalled by the reckless and irresponsible decision made by the Cornell administration, namely President Pollack.” 

In the eye of the storm, however, Cornell’s campus has been left unscathed. In fact, preoccupied with their newfound freedom of expression, many community members have not yet noticed the absolute devastation in the surrounding areas. 

“After President Pollack sent that email, I’ve been able to say whatever I want, whenever I want! I literally have not stopped talking since I got the email,” exclaimed Alisha Franklin ‘23. 

Other students on campus seemed to share this sentiment. “I’ve been telling everyone I see about every single thought that pops into my head: I had oatmeal for breakfast. I think people who ride scooters are lame. I bet Ryan Lombardi would love a good frolic through a meadow. Nobody can tell me to shut up now! And to think I could never freely express myself before,” excitedly shared Samuel Oh ‘24.

With many local residents condemning President Pollack’s decree as heedless and entirely negligent, it is no surprise that she has made herself unavailable for comment since the occurrence. The last public sighting of Dr. Pollack was during the sonic disaster itself, when she was spotted wearing noise-canceling headphones and watching the chaos unfold from the top of McGraw Tower.

Communist Roommate Real Fucking Cagey About Sharing Gas Costs on Road Trip

FLORA ROSE HOUSE—Despite being a self-avowed “card-carrying Cornell commie,” Jerome “Jerry” Woodhouse ‘25, the roommate of Brent Hao ‘25, has reportedly been pretty fucking reticent to split the costs of gas receipts from their spring break road trip.

“I figured that if anyone would be quick to pay me back, it would be the guy who quoted Lenin in his high school yearbook,” said an exasperated Hao. “When I nudged Jerry the other day, he mumbled something about ‘perpetuating a system predicated upon the antiquated notion of private property,’ which… maybe refers to the fact that we took my car? I tried again a bit more forcefully, but he was still pretty evasive. ‘Money is the product of an economy that commodifies the basic needs of the proletariat while financializing the very resources which will ultimately make the planet unlivable for all but the most lecherous parasites of the bourgeoisie,’’ I think it was. Asshole.”

The conflict arose in the wake of the duo’s drive to Disney World, which was described by Woodhouse as “absolutely magical.” Prior to their vacation, Woodhouse had indicated willingness to share the expenses 50-50, seeming to approve of the plan for “socialization.” However, Hao noted Woodhouse’s misgivings began to emerge early in the planning process.

“I should’ve known this would be an issue the minute I heard Jerry say something passive-aggressive about profit motives back in February,” said Hao. “I forgot about it for a while, but I noticed later how he kept referring to Venmo as an oppressor feeding off the siloing of the masses. That’s at least a yellow flag. It wasn’t until he started ranting about seizing the means of internal combustion that I realized I was fucked. I have no idea what any of that means in practical terms—and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t either—but it sure as shit doesn’t seem to mean paying me back.”

At press time, tensions threatened to boil over as Woodhouse referred to Hao as a “capitalist shitpig attempting to crush his financial organizational self-management.”

Hockey Season Over, 30 Year Olds Back in Lecture

KLARMAN HALL—As a result of their loss in the quarterfinals, the middle-aged members of the Cornell men’s hockey team have begun attending GOVT1322: Introductory Governance lectures once again. 

“I was super intimidated the first day of school when I walked into a bunch of grown men sitting in the back row,” said Grace Cortez ‘26. “This is stereotypically a freshman class, so I figured it’d be mostly teenagers. Imagine my shock when I discovered that you can be a first-year pushing 40, so long as you can prance on ice.”

Classes popular with the men’s hockey team, such as GOVT1322, tend to look completely different based on whether or not the players decide to attend. Sociologists and demographers alike have looked into this issue and how it affects classroom composition and dynamics.

“The median age in the room increases by about 10 years,” explained Policy Analysis and Management Professor Brendan Pierre, who was asked to give his insight on the shifting demographics of these classes post-season. “The probability that students are older than the graduate teaching assistants surges. And if the conditions are severe enough, it is more likely than not that the class will witness one person’s genuine mid-life crisis before the end of the semester.”

Although the influx of millennials in lecture was certainly a cause of concern for many students, it was later reported that their cumulative attendance quickly plummeted to zero after their first class back.

Cornell Republicans Celebrate 20th Anniversary Of Iraq War, Declare Morrison Stir Fry “Weapon of Mass Destruction”

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—This Monday, exactly 20 years after the U.S. invasion of Iraq caused  countless deaths, Cornell Republicans are celebrating this victory of conservative policy by declaring publicly that Morrison staff are preparing a weapon to destroy all of mankind.

“We have reliable intelligence that suggests Morrison stir fry is actually made with 95% enriched uranium,” alleged junior Reagan Smith. “This stir fry is a threat to our way of life as Cornellians. Of course, Okenshields also has stir fry, and has served it for years, but that was frankly very good and necessary to prevent a line of one hundred thousand Americans. Morrison stir fry, on the other hand, is a threat to West Campus civilization and must be stopped.”

The Cornell Republicans have provided an ultimatum to Cornell’s community, pledging to invade Morrison at midnight Thursday unless Cornell Dining took stir fry off the menu, replaced it with boiled, unseasoned mashed potatoes, and granted them veto power over the menu. Several student groups were asked to form an alliance, a request which confused various groups.

The Republicans told us that if we didn’t join them in invading Morrison, we would be traitors to Western campus culture,” explained Jaques Dubois, president of Cornell’s French Society. “We told them that breaking into Morrison would violate the Student Code of Conduct, but they pointed out that the SCC was not legally binding and that they could do what they wanted. When we refused to join them, they demanded Cornell Dining take all French food off the menu.”
Sources within Cornell Republicans claimed to have swiped into Morrison and noticed they were not serving stir fry last night. This prompted the club to declare victory, but keep invasion forces ready in case it returns.

Cornell Daily Sun Writer Discovers Commas

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—After three consecutive years of run-on sentences, one Daily Sun columnist has discovered a new way to pause.

“For years, I’ve been finishing sentences with periods,” said James Stoll ‘23. “Then, my editor told me that my sentences were going on too long and that I needed to find a way to work pauses in there. They told me there was this thing with one period on top of another period called a colon. Unfortunately that didn’t seem to fix much, since it could only really fit in when I was writing lists. But then they told me there was a way to separate independent clauses with only half a colon, and I had to ask, what was the other half? They told me the other half of a semicolon was a comma and that it could separate dependent clauses! That’s wild!”

Following this, Stoll began to use commas in every piece they wrote. Unfortunately, his editor believes he has begun to overuse the punctuation mark.

“His last article was six pages and one sentence long,” complained Ash Sentry ‘24. “Listen to this: ‘I was by a park, which was neat, and then I ran into this professor, who seemed pretty grumpy, and I asked him which department he was from, assuming it was CAS, which he did not like, and then he walked out on me, which I saw as an opportunity.’ I had to edit that sentence alone to make it halfway coherent and it’s still painful to read. I think he might be addicted to commas, but I guess our style guide can’t cover everything.”

As of writing, the Daily Sun has introduced measures to the style guide to mandate writers end sentences a minimum of two times per article.

John Wilkes Booth? Martha Doesn’t Give Us Presidents’ Day Off

ITHACA, NY—Cornell University President Martha Pollack’s decision not to suspend classes on Presidents’ Day has drawn fierce criticism from concerned patriots across campus.

“President Pollack has brought shame to this institution by disrespecting the legacies of three of our nation’s presidents,” said George Ramirez ‘23, spokesperson for the Cornell Historical Society. “By not celebrating this most sacred of American holidays, President Pollack shows a blatant disregard for our past leaders: George Washington, whose birthday is the basis for Presidents’ Day; Abraham Lincoln, whose February 12th birthday we combine with Washington’s; and Lyndon Johnson, whose Uniform Monday Holiday Act established the celebration of Washington’s Birthday on the third Monday in February. In this way, President Pollack is King George III, John Wilkes Booth, and the Vietnam War all rolled into one.”

Many students had strong reactions to Pollack’s decision.

“The fact that President Pollack would disrespect Lincoln’s legacy like this is especially disgusting given how Cornell plasters the year ‘1865’ everywhere,” said Hillary Ryan ‘25. “It’s like they want to rub it in that he’s dead.”

“There’s something sinister going on here,” claimed Jason Reynolds ‘24. “Pollack wants us to forget all about Presidents’ Day. Because if we can’t remember any American presidents, who is there left to be President? That’s right: President Martha E. Pollack.”

Risley Hall resident Sherman Gilmore ‘26 defended Pollack’s decision. “While I don’t agree with his actions later in life, John Wilkes Booth was a very talented actor. As a Performing and Media Arts major myself, when Martha murdered the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, I felt represented.”

Faced with tough questions about her decision, Pollack reportedly shouted “sic semper tyrannis” before jumping off stage and running away. At press time, Pollack and co-conspirator Ryan Lombardi were barricaded in a Northern Virginia barn, engaged in a standoff with the US Army.

Senior Filling Out Perfect Match A Little Too Optimistic About the Three Months They Have Left

TEMPLE OF ZEUS—In the final hours of Perfect Match’s survey opening, one member of the Class of 2023 decided to try their luck at a college romance three months before leaving Ithaca for good.

“Look, I haven’t had a lot of luck in the dating department here at Cornell, okay?” asked Ron Kringle ‘23. “I had one girlfriend the week of orientation, and it’s been three years since my last second date. I tried to do it all the natural way, but it hasn’t worked out and I thought I might as well try something new. And for that reason, twelve weeks before myself and all my peers completely overhaul our lives and set up shop across the country, I have decided to go all in on a completely new search for love.”

The Cornell Perfect Match online statistics indicate that many seniors agree with Kringle’s futile efforts to fill the gaping hole of loneliness. The numbers indicate that a quarter of participants are seniors- a number that cannot be simply explained by future Cornell grad students or Ithaca locals. Clearly, seniors’ desperation to find love overpowers even the most simple logistical thought processes. Perfect Match team members, however, took exception with this characterization.

“Seniors aren’t desperate, they are opening themselves up to new possibilities,” argued Perfect Match president Jonald Travers ‘23. “Online dating has become the number one way people meet each other these days, so why not give it a try? Why not sign up and see what happens? Why not put a member of our team down as a Crush; my netID is jttt245 and I will be in Ithaca for several weeks after graduation where we can begin our courtship before we transition into a committed long-distance thing. Why not give love a chance, specifically with me please?”  

At press time, the Perfect Match team would neither confirm nor deny that they had signed up to their own service, nor whether they self-preferenced their results.

“What Have I Done”: Student Who Pregamed ClubFest Awakens to 573 Unread GroupMe Messages

MARY DONLON HALL—James Woodhouse ‘26, who took eight shots of strawberry lemonade-flavored Svedka prior to attending ClubFest, awoke Monday morning to a pounding headache and hundreds of unopened GroupMe messages and listserv emails from completely unfamiliar organizations.

“Oh god, what the fuck happened yesterday?” cried Woodhouse as he peeled laptop stickers off his clothes. “I’ve never even heard of half of these organizations. Why did I sign up for the Latin debate club? The fencing club? Am I currently in both the Cornell Democrats and Cornell Republicans? Fuck, there must be a hundred emails from consulting clubs alone—they must’ve thought I fit their vibe. So many invites on my Google Calendar for info sessions… I think I’m gonna be sick.”

Woodhouse reportedly took five shots before stumbling to Barton Hall for the first session of ClubFest, where he stoically listened glassy-eyed to the impassioned speeches of club representatives before dutifully consigning himself to receive email and text updates on anything and everything. The real damage, however, came when Woodhouse took three more shots prior to the second session. According to eyewitnesses, the inebriated freshman snatched every quartercard in arm’s reach and scanned QR codes with reckless abandon before hopping onstage to contribute jokes to a stand-up club’s performance—a star turn of which Woodhouse had no recollection.

“Did… did I actually do that?” stammered Woodhouse. “Yikes, I hope I didn’t say anything too offensive—the last time I grabbed an open mic while belligerently drunk, I apparently made some pretty disparaging comments about Slovenian people and the sport of croquet. Wait, let me check—yep, I’ve got messages from both the Slovenian Students’ Union and the croquet club. Fuck.”

At press time, Woodhouse had been made president of the stand-up club whose performance he invaded after receiving a positive reception for his monologue on Slovenian croquet players.