Football Player with Humiliation Kink Really Excited for Yale Game

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD–While homecoming weekend is an exciting time for all students, surely no one is anticipating it more than Casey Gable ‘25, a football player who derives sexual gratification from being publicly humiliated.

“I love it when the whole stadium has their eyes on me in my tight little shorts,” groaned Gable, already sweating through his jersey despite being benched the entirety of practice. “I’ll wait till I’m a few yards from the end zone and then drop the ball through my naughty, naughty fingers. Maybe the referee will even call me a bad boy. Normally I’m a wide receiver, but let’s just say I’ll be a tight end tomorrow.”

Despite consistently ruining the dreams of inebriated students and washed-up investment bankers desperately reliving the glory days alike, Gable maintains that he’s seen nothing but benefits from his career of erotic failure.

“People ask me if I have a hard time making friends when I have such an obvious, life-consuming fetish, but on the Cornell football team I fit right in. Why else would everyone keep fumbling, missing extra points, and letting the opposing team plow through our defense like a car at a full crosswalk in Collegetown? There’s no way Cornell accidentally recruited that many bad players,” said Gable, who is not on speaking terms with any other members of the team.

Gable concluded by stating that at least he was “nowhere near as freaky” as “that furry in the bear suit.”

“I Am Become Death, The Destroyer Of Worlds,” Biology Freshman Learns To Use Pipette

COMSTOCK HALL—Biology Major Jay Kottlier ‘26 was left awestruck in his BIOG 1500 laboratory meeting this week following his successful utilization of a pipette. Upon witnessing the device move a small quantity of liquid from one container to another, Kottlier reported being filled with an immense certainty that mankind would soon bring about its own demise.

“We as a society have allowed science to progress too far,” stated Kottlier. “Always creating and innovating, never stopping to ask, ‘is this natural?’ or, ‘have we created an affront to god?’ I say to thee, this pipetting device is a perversion of the natural order. Man has reached out to grasp the foundations of our universe, but he is too much the fool to see that what we have acquired is a recipe for our own undoing.”

As Kottlier continued his practice with the piece of basic laboratory equipment, he began to weep, using the pipette to transport his tears off of the lab table and into additional vials. His eyes began to glaze over and his face softened, accepting his own role in the undeterrable destruction of the human race.

“When Jay used the pipette, I knew nothing would ever be the same,” said Michelle Adya ‘26, another member of the lab. “Some people laughed, some cried, but most of us were silent. We knew that we had seen the face of the end. It won’t happen yet, but the sand of our lives has begun to trickle through the cosmic hourglass,” added Adya, chuckling. “To think we could harness such a device…so arrogant…that we could pipette and not suffer the consequences.” 

As the laboratory session continued, Kottlier was seen falling to his knees, crying out for a god he knew would not answer, after seeing his TA demonstrate how to operate a microscope.

Test Optional Twins Olin and Uris “Pretty Sure” Their Parents “Didn’t Go Here” and Have No Idea Why You Thought That

Olin and Uris, a pair of twin freshmen in the Dyson School, were found to be blissfully unaware of their Cornell legacy. 

“People keep saying how cute it is that our parents named us after their alma mater, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t go here,” commented Uris, bending to pick a singular blade of grass from his uncreased Golden Goose. “I actually have no idea where they went to college. I think they might be too embarrassed to tell us, because the last time I asked they started talking about some vacuum cleaner.”

When informed that their eponyms were in fact historic libraries on Cornell’s campus, Olin almost threw her iced latte. “Omg!” she squealed. “Like those cute places with books?” 

Uris seemed less enthusiastic: “Ew–libraries? I thought we were named after Greek gods.” 

The pair then agreed that if, hypothetically, their parents had actually gone to Cornell, they should’ve named their children after “something cool, like the football field.”

Project Team Rolls Out Lone Woman Member from Storage Closet for Info Session

ARTS QUAD–“Wow! Isn’t she so beautiful?” says a salivating Fredirck Wiles ‘25 over Caroline Naderi ‘24, who has been assigned to be the face of the “ground-breaking, barrier-smashing, revolutionary club,” as she has just been granted permission to exit her storage closet.
Engineering project teams across campus have been concerned about their ratio, and the Cornell Hydroelectric Parasailing Squad, commonly known as HydroeleCorn, is no different. Naderi was transported out of her designated living space in order to show a woman’s face at the team’s information session.
“The public has been really enjoying our addition of a wo- I mean Caroline,” says Wiles. “The squad has been fervently dedicated to the idea of women being capable, and we demonstrate that by being understanding of a woman’s needs!” Wiles proceeded to spoon feed the tied-up Naderi.
“I have been trying to connect with my feminine wiles recently,” says HydroeleCorn member Wilson Donnelly ‘23. “I did my homework. I threw up. And that was that.”
“I can feel how I belong in this club with all the broads here. My absolute fave is…Karolien? Carolyn?” says Donnelly. “Anyways, I have been quite enthralled by the fact that she has opinions about life and death. I am very, very enthralled. We have had some issues with our HydroVehicle, and I know that, I get it. Bitch. She keeps telling me but I KNOW! We are a project team that values equality, and Caroline proves that. Thank you for the interview.”
Caroline Naderi declined to comment.

Cornell Issues Free Monocle and British Butler to Students in Air Conditioned Dorms

NORTH CAMPUS–Cornell Housing and Residential Life left many students hot and bothered this Monday after announcing that all residents of air conditioned dorms would be issued a complimentary monocle and butler to distinguish them from the uncooled masses.

“Although Cornell has a proud 150-year history of prioritizing privileged students at the expense of their disadvantaged classmates, there is one group of elites who has not yet received proper recognition: students with air conditioning,” the announcement read. “Through the simple act of reappropriating all financial aid money to purchase servants and novelty eyewear, we have finally corrected Cornell’s greatest injustice.”

The proclamation has caused quite a hullabaloo among members of the air-conditioned gentry, who have cheered the news more heartily than a repeal of child labor laws for coal mines.

“It’s high time such a boon was granted to members of the conditioned class!” ballyhooed Josiah Fauntleroy ‘26, facial muscles straining to hold his Big Red monocle. “It’s so draining being accosted by peasantry wishing to discuss matters like ‘sweat’ and ‘heat’ when a distinguished gentleman like myself has no knowledge of these afflictions! The public has no idea how we suffer–” Fauntleroy suddenly turned to his new butler: “I say, not enough sugar in this tea, old chap!” The butler quickly retreated to procure a refreshment more befitting his master.

Shortly afterward, Housing and Residential Life sent a follow-up email promising mandatory dunce caps and clown noses for all Low Rise inhabitants.

Relationship Between Animal Science Professor and Lab Tech Draws Criticisms After Revelation That They Began Working Together When She Was Just A Calf

FRANK MORRISON HALL—Animal Science Professor Dr. Cleetus Conroy came under fire from campus critics this week after the revelation that his long standing relationship with one of the lab’s research cows began when she was only a calf. While many had looked fondly upon the human-cattle couple, this new discovery has ignited a hotbed of debate surrounding the pair.

“It’s so easy to judge from afar,” said Dr. Conroy, smiling sweetly towards his bovine lover. “Randie and I have an unspoken bond between us, one that connects her cow soul to my human one. I mean, age is just a number, and species is just a bunch of latin gobbledygook.”

While Dr. Conroy maintains that he waited until the ‘appropriate’ time to begin their relationship, other members of the lab claim that the romance began while Randie was still sucking colostrum. In addition, lab employees have accused Dr. Conroy of inappropriate conduct, making crass comments, and “excessive milking.”

“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” stated Randie, in what Dr. Conroy explained was an impassioned proclamation of the love that they shared for one another. Dr. Conroy then placed his arm around the cow’s midsection in a manner that can only be described as “uncomfortable”.

Despite remaining committed to one another throughout the ongoing scandal, the couple’s relationship is reportedly on the rocks after Dr. Conroy was spotted whispering sweet nothings into the ear of a particularly plump rooster.

PE Requirement Fulfilled! I Walked To The 3rd Floor Of Baker Lab

BAKER LAB — Students looking to get their PE requirement out of the way quickly have a new option: trekking to the third floor of Baker Lab. While most students opt to casually bowl twice a week to fulfill the University’s Physical Education requirement, those willing to challenge themselves can instead choose to conquer the treacherous Baker Hill.

The strenuous hike is certainly not for everyone, with many people reporting symptoms of shortness of breath, intense sweat, and an urge to never attend class again. As Reese Anderson ‘25 put it, “Marching up the hill is one thing, but entering that sweltering building, climbing up three flights of stairs, and throwing yourself at the first chair available in lecture is a taxing and downright demeaning ordeal.” 

But some students were happy to report that they were more than up for the challenge. “At first I was really confused as to why my history class was in a science building, and was kind of annoyed,” remarked Molly Egan ‘26. “But then I realized that I was getting two required classes out of the way in one shot.”

When asked if she planned on going back to Baker after successfully completing the arduous journey, Egan quickly began ranting about “goddamn overachievers” who would continue to walk up to class after the first day.

Starbucks Announces “Equality Pledge” To Fire All Union Supporters Regardless of Identity

COMMONS–Following hundreds of allegations that Starbucks is discriminating against workers for their race, gender identity, and sex, the company has responded with a promise to fire all those groups at an equal rate if the company suspects they support the union.

“Starbucks is committed to equality,” claimed CEO Howard Schultz. “I hate the idea of any of our partners feeling disrespected due to their identities. We’ve put millions of dollars into advertising our commitment to diversity–and sure, we could’ve spent that money actually building support systems, but that’s not the point. The point is that regardless of your identity, if we so much as see you looking at a union organizer we’ll take you off the company roster faster than we force our baristas to work during an understaffed lunch rush.”

 “I think the most honest part of this pledge is the admission that none of their previous projects have even come close to promoting equality,” argued one anonymous worker in the Commons Starbucks location. “They ran a “#RaceTogether campaign a few years back where they asked us to randomly start conversations about systemic racism while handing customers their morning coffee,  which is a horrible  strategy if you want a nuanced discussion about hegemonic power structures in this country, but a fantastic strategy to get workers harassed.”

Asked to comment on the Commons employee’s criticisms, Schultz frantically asked, “Which store did you say?” and immediately called his lawyer. The next day Starbucks announced its intentions to close the Commons location due to “long standing issues that have nothing to do with unions we promise.”

Student Not Sure How to Tell Her Friends So-Called “Hot Girl Summer” Actually Single Date in Cleveland Olive Garden

COLLEGETOWN–While reuniting with friends is exciting for most returning students, the new school year has presented Marta Bailey ‘24 with a unique predicament: how to inform her friends that her so-called hot girl summer began and ended in the Cleveland Olive Garden.

“It just seemed like a lot of work,” said Bailey, who had promised her friends she did  “more hoeing than a farmer” while at her Ohio-based internship. “It takes a lot of time to get dressed up to the Cleveland Olive Garden’s standards, and by that point I was too tired to find out if corn stalks really aren’t the only thing that’s big in Ohio. Or to message anyone on Tinder ever again,” continued the woman who had nonetheless texted her friends that “Cincinnati chili isn’t the only Ohio thing in my mouth tonight ;)” about once a week.

Despite Bailey’s garlic-scented shame, her friends remain convinced that they are in for untold tales of fiery passion. 

“I can’t wait to hear about all the smoking hot boytoys Marta got out of their overalls,” said Bailey’s friend and imminent disappointee Kelsey Drake ‘24. “She mentioned visiting a five star Italian restaurant with a local dirt baron, which must’ve been unspeakably erotic. Maybe she even learned what sex ‘Toledo Style,’ is,” she said before blushing deeply.

Bailey’s Olive Garden date did not respond to her frantic texts to confirm that their night had counted as “Cleveland fourth base.”

“This Hotel Is Almost as Nice as the Ones You’ll Inherit,” Says Hotelie Mother Visiting Statler

After lodging in the Stater Hotel during move-in, Dr. Justine Quality-Inn Ph.D. ’94, mother of Alex Quality-Inn ’24, informed her daughter that the hotel was “not bad for Upstate,” but was no match for the hotels Alex will one day inherit.

“This is fine, I guess,” says Alex. “My mom told me I should expect those metal heater things. But I think that because I have that hotel name, I’ll be able to score the heaters where I get to decide the temperature, even if it’s U.S. imperial.”

 “My mommy told me the thread count on the sheets, which I was pretty disappointed about, but it was fine I guess. It’s okay because it’s 500+ threads, whatever that means,” says a morose Qualityinn, who has been resting on 1500 her whole life.

However, as the Statler possesses neither a pot filler nor garbage disposal, Dr. Quality-Inn has decided to relocate to a Super8 in order to have a truly high-class experience.