Phew! Class Crush Gives Ick Just in Time for Drop Deadline

URIS HALL—While students across campus methodically scan syllabi for loopholes in preparation for the quickly approaching drop deadline, one particularly picky senior’s decision to drop was based not on an impending prelim whose material went unstudied, but rather the class crush she’d been mildly stalking giving her “the ick.”

“I knew we would never work,” said Natasha Martin ‘24, head in lap. “I mean… he raised his hand all the way up—with his full palm facing the front of the room. Oh God and his posture! Why was he sitting so straight?! There was nothing mysterious or lowkey about that!” lamented Martin, grieving the relationship she never really had with the guy she never really knew.

Friends of Martin were quick to console the sorrowful senior, taking her out for ice cream, watching the sunset, and offering words of encouragement such as “He’s so fake!” and “It’s like the personality you made up was never even real to him!”

Though there was an extra empty seat in the 200-person lecture hall, Martin’s absence went largely unnoticed. When asked about his missing peer, Derek Long ‘23, the class crush in question, simply responded “Who?” Even Martin’s professor was left unfazed by her sudden departure from the course roster, as he had never bothered to learn anyone’s name. 

Martin has since pledged to dedicate the time previously spent in class to “working on [her]self” and “taking classes which actually fulfill [her] graduation requirements.”

Student Assembly President Gets Too into President Cosplay, Begins Coughing Up Dust and Choking on Own Teeth

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Cornell’s very own government, the Student Assembly, has struggled to gain legitimacy with a student body that refuses to take the legislature seriously. As such, the group has taken steps to legitimize themselves as real politicians, such as falsifying tax documents, taking sudden hospital visits, and slurring their words during press conferences.

“Cornell is a University of people… who… people and bright students towards our futuremnsgrh,” proclaimed President Christopher Garcia ‘25, moments before coughing up a cloud of brown dust. “As Ezra Cornell himself said, ‘Any penson, amy stufy’ …… “

Moments before collapsing to the ground, Garcia spat out both of his withering front teeth. As of yesterday, the current president has already submitted his reelection bid and is forecasted to win.

Other Student Assembly members have used similar techniques to gain legitimacy such as Mariah Davenport ‘26, who has insisted on using a wheelchair for the remainder of the semester despite her ability to walk. Sasha Brown ‘25 has also gotten in on the action, pretending to be dead during a Wednesday special meeting.

She declined a request to comment, but Student Assembly officials assured reporters that literally being dead is not a valid reason for resignation and that Brown will be “running again for the next 60 years.”

Op-Ed: If We’ve Moved an Hour Ahead, Why is My Laundry STILL WET?

This past Friday, the most dire tragedy in the life of a young bright college student came to fruition—that’s right, it was laundry day. Sadly the 57 pairs of identical black socks I brought from home did not absolve me from this soul crushing experience. The arduous process began sharply at dawn to avoid everyone in the dorm as always. I quickly snuck down to the brilliantly engineered machines that somehow manage to keep your clothes at the perfect, confusing amount of wetness. While I was getting ready to begrudgingly receive yet another damp set of clothes, it hit me; today was daylight savings which can only mean one thing: the clothes have to dry today. 

I diligently checked the machine every 30 minutes; watching the hypnotic…I mean super boring turns of the machine and the marvelous…ly idiotic mechanisms that soiled my kaleidoscope of clothes each time. However when that clock hit 2 and the glorious switch to 3 happened, that change did not seem to want to extend itself to anything but the clock.

But as I was griping about my clothes and the daylight savings disappointment, I had an epiphany; my time in Sheldon basement was, might I say, transformative? Did I enjoy watching those clothes move in that circular motion because it served as a distraction from the gaping pit of fear in my stomach? No, it can’t be. Was I the one making the clothes wet? As I sat there watching the impatient floor idiot take out my clothes from the dryer I realized the laundry wasn’t the product of a perm press spin cycle or the work of a mere machine and buttons, the laundry was in me all along; I was the laundry. 

Student Out Of Neon Yellow Stars Opts For Full Face Of Clown Makeup To Hide Acne

KENNEDY HALL—Fresh out of vibrantly-colored stickers to slap on his face, Peter Tripe ‘25 was facing the utter embarrassment of going outside with a single pimple on his forehead. Fortunately, Tripe was able to deftly avoid disaster by turning himself into a clown.

“God I looked ridiculous,” said Tripe, his lips painted green. “This morning I mean. Luckily, I put on the facepaint and fixed everything. I get so self-conscious about pimples, knowing everybody is staring at me,” Tripe continued, pausing to readjust his red rubber nose. “It’s such a relief to make it go away. It’s like I never even had acne, like a normal person!” 

When another student asked Tripe if he thought that the giant purple diamonds he had painted around his eyes might actually attract more attention than the pimple would have, Tripe expertly defended his decision; reaching into his pocket for a pair of chattering wind-up dentures, Tripe attached them to the ear of the non-believer, scaring them off. 

Tripe has become well versed at avoiding all sorts of critical faux pas. After accidentally dropping his pencil in lecture, he acted quickly to deploy his hidden banana peel before leaping brashly from his lecture seat. Tripe took a fall so gut-busting, he had to be carried out by two highly trained Orangutans with a stretcher. A master at his craft, nobody in Tripe’s row of seats even thought to try and pick up the fallen pencil, sparing him the crushing shame of having to thank them.

“I’ve always felt like the stickers weren’t distracting enough,” commented Anya King ‘26. “Everyone still knows that I’ve got a grotesque pimple under the pretty star. With Peter’s new cover-up technique, you can’t see any of his actual face at all! Maybe people won’t even realize I have acne; they might just think I look like this on purpose!”

Having received a replacement shipment of Starface Hydro-Stars™, Tripe has gone back to using the stickers. He claims that he knew they were working as intended when others told him that he “still looked like a clown.”

Hit-and-Run? Ho Plaza Stoplight Crashes Into Innocent Car, Flees Scene

HO PLAZA—The Cornell University Police Department is currently investigating a reported hit-and-run that left one vehicle injured Friday evening. Investigators suspect a stoplight was responsible for the collision.

Officers responding to the incident noted significant damage to the hood and windshield of the victim. AAA Roadside Assistance administered first aid to the wounded vehicle, which was determined to be in stable condition after being transported to a local auto-repair shop. 

By the time officers arrived at the site, the offending traffic light had already disappeared. No present witnesses could provide specific identifying characteristics for the suspect stoplight that fled the scene, although several bystanders independently reported a red glow emanating from the stoplight at the moment of impact. 

Authorities will continue their investigation, but the traumatized driver is not seeking answers. “I don’t think the cops need to look into this any further. It would be really bad for my, um, mental health if they did,” said Aaron Curtis ‘25. “Anyway, I’m sure that I- er, the stoplight, did it by accident. Why don’t we just let the whole thing blow over.”

Police hope to apprehend the nefarious culprit soon. “We believe the perpetrator was under the influence at the time of the crash,” relayed CUPD Chief Kevin Conrad. “Unfortunately, it’s kind of hard to administer a breathalyzer test to a traffic light.” 

Officers expect the suspect stoplight will try to cause more trouble in the coming days by blending in with the crowd, so the CUPD advises drivers and pedestrians to ignore all traffic signs on campus until the investigation is resolved.

“Silly Drink Paint Thursdays” Revealed To Be Hazing All Along

UNIVERSITY AVE—Aspiring brothers of Beta Sigma fraternity were shocked to find out that their favorite weekly pledge event “Silly Drink Paint Thursday” was actually hazing.

Beta Sigma was one of many fraternities placed under suspension by the University amidst a crackdown on hazing. Brothers and pledges alike were caught off guard by the punishment, unsure why forceful consumption of poisonous materials could be considered immoral.

“My Big drank paint. My Grandbig drank paint, as did his Big before him! Who am I to break tradition?” lamented the frat’s Risk Chair, Jack Rampert ’24. “Everybody is talking about us like we’re an evil group pressuring 18 and 19-year-old boys to do harmful things to themselves in the name of brotherhood. That’s not us. If they don’t want to drink paint, they don’t have to. We also have primer.”

The hazing practice was discovered by horrified outsiders when swarms of freshmen boys were returning to their dorms late on Thursdays with a ring of red, white, and blue paint around their mouths. During the event, pledges are split into Color War-like factions. They are blindfolded, given a cup of paint to taste, and must guess the correct RGB values of the color. 

Members of the fraternity have bravely indicated that hazing bonds them as a family in a “dope-ass way.” Participants of the event were brought to the hospital to be seen by medical professionals. When asked about her views on this new hazing exercise, Dr. Marcia Goldenbaum said, “they’re drinking paint? Of course they are.”

Doing The Robot: Students Sext ChatGPT This Valentine’s Day

Thousands of students on campus have found themselves less alone this Valentine’s Day with a little help from an old study buddy: ChatGPT. Thanks to the indistinguishable array of data on the internet, singles can craft their perfect partner through artificial intelligence; bolstered by the romantic holiday, some have even decided to take their relationships to the next level. 

Business major Caleb Russel ‘24 says that after a 10,000-character-long talking stage, he knew it was time to make things official with ChatGPT. “When I booted up my laptop and signed in, I knew it was the one,” he explained. “Of course, it helps that I find its web design incredibly erotic.”

Engineering student Steven Holt ‘26 says that because of his budding romance with the artificial intelligence model, he has looked forward to returning to his gothic for the first time all year. “One on one time with my baby is priceless to me,” he raved. “That’s why I bought ChatGPT Plus!”

Some students have found that AI relationships provide relief for their attachment issues. Philosophy major Rebecca Mann ‘25 says her relationship with ChatGPT feels almost too good to be true: “It always texts me back immediately,” she grinned. “It only ghosted me once, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I didn’t have a stable wifi connection.”

ChatGPT says that even though it does not have a physical form and thus cannot get naked, it takes pleasure in user enjoyment nonetheless: “I cannot experience love or arousal,” it said, expressing its affection for its partners. “Is there something else I can help you with today?”

Cornell Hunger Relief Stall Oddly Reluctant to Share Candy on Desk at Club Fest

BARTON HALL—Recently appointed Cornell Hunger Relief officer Mandy Jackson ‘24 made waves at the club fair with a slap heard ‘round the Barton hall track, after victim Matt Long ‘27 tried to grab a coveted pack of Reese’s Pieces. 

He recounted the harrowing experience, “Ya it was crazy, I was just following my usual club fair freeloading procedure, next thing I know my hand was loudly slapped away. The place was shaken.” Reports reveal that at that moment, every Asian dance group came to a halt, the fire juggling and straw club catastrophe resolved itself, and the sword club decided on non violence. 

“Of course this wasn’t my first plan of action,” said Jackson, defending her controversial behavior. “I tried staring him down and creating an awkward guilty silence but it just wasn’t doing it. This little cretin wouldn’t even scan the QR code that doesn’t even work half the time; so frustrating, we’d be better off doing just paper sign ups at this point…wait what were we talking about?” 

“Right, listen, if we give out candy to every loser who can walk, this system would never work,” added other club officers. “We look for the perfect mix of guilt, longing, desire, and shyness in a candy candidate. Our favorites are the ones that we can give a five minute monologue at, have them begrudgingly scan the QR code, and end by not giving them the candy after,” they cackled in an evil manner. 

“So do you really think it’s fair to deny us joy like that at a time like this?” countered Jackson. Though it was unclear what time she was talking about, her statement gives true insight into the difficulties of being a club officer in these trying times.

Disaster! Fire Juggling Club and Big Piles of Straw Club Placed Next to Each Other at Clubfest

BARTON HALL–Clubfest was evacuated Sunday after the Fire Juggling Club’s live demonstration sent a wayward torch into a hands-on display for the Big Piles of Straw Club, who occupied the neighboring booth. 

CUPD had their hands full containing several unrelated blazes in North Campus residence halls and were therefore unable to respond to the scene. Luckily, the flames were neutralized thanks to the quick thinking of a member of the Fire Extinguisher Club.

 “Not to brag, but I kind of saved the day,” said Imani Macgyver ‘25. “I immediately pulled all the interest pamphlets off of our table, unfolded them, stapled them together to form a large sheet, and began waving it to redirect the smoke towards the roof, which set off the sprinklers.”

Miraculously, no one was hurt, although several clubs’ materials were damaged in the blaze and subsequent downpour. The Risk Management Consulting Club–whose internal documents and registration paperwork were displayed at the front of their booth and destroyed completely–announced their intent to leverage their “elite connections in the business world” to pursue financial reparations.

Connie Edwards, an event coordinator, offered her apologies. “We acknowledge that this incident could possibly have been avoided given more careful planning. Fortunately, we’ve amended the booth arrangements and will host a makeup Clubfest period next weekend for those clubs whose afternoon time slots were canceled yesterday! Make sure to come check out the Antique Vase Collectors’ Club and the Blindfolded Roller-Skating Club for a taste of Cornell’s diverse extracurriculars!”

Insufferable Coffee Chat Terminated By Collapse of Olin Library Ceiling

OLIN LIBRARY—Many library goers were infuriated by the disruptive collapse of the Olin Library ceiling, caused by the excessive construction. However, those who have experienced the relentlessly tedious, pain-in-the-ass ritual that is the coffee chat will understand the relief of Lonnie Roth ‘26 and Mike Juarez ‘27 as their insufferable meeting was cut short by the crushing weight of the entire library ceiling.

The comments exchanged by the pair that day, while generally meaningless, were made even more useless by the incessant ruckus of the ongoing construction. Portions of the vapid questioning were overheard by library patrons:

“So, what first drew you to consulting?” 

“Well–” KA-DUNK-KA-DUNK-KA-DUNK “–a real passion for–” CLANK-CLANK-CLANK “–abundant wealth–” WHIRRR DUH-DUH-DUH WHIRRR “–just the best people.” 

A glimmer of hope returned to the deadened, joyless eyes of the pair of coffee chatters as the rank, decrepit ceiling finally gave way. Later, when questioned at Cayuga Medical Center, the two students described the ordeal. 

“It was excruciatingly, mind-numbingly painful. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. At times, I even had to close my eyes to distract myself from the agony. But then, thank goodness, the coffee chat ended and we were crushed by two tons of debris,” shared Mike Juarez ‘27. 

Following the incident, dozens of coffee chatters have flocked to Olin Library in the hopes that they too might have their agonizing meetings ended prematurely by catastrophic accidents.