Evil Professor To Teach All Classes in Your Major, Minor, and Distribution Requirements Next Semester

KEETON HOUSE—Students flocked to the new Fall ‘24 course rosters, excited to plan their next academic semester. Unfortunately for one, their very own academic career has been hijacked by an apparent monopoly on required courses.

Olivia Thompson ‘25 has only a few semesters to go, but she must overcome one final obstacle to gain the final necessary credits for graduation.

“I had hoped that my professor-led discussion section would allow me to finally gain a relationship with an accomplished faculty member, and it has. Unfortunately, it is a relationship of mutual hatred,” said Thompson. “It has become quite clear that this man simply cannot teach, grade, or show basic human empathy! And I thought I was almost free! ”

As Thompson selected a handful of filters for her Fall ‘24 course roster search bar, she began to notice a startling trend. Of the twenty five courses she needed, every single one was to be taught by her current Statistics professor, Dr. Villainy.

“On the one hand, I’m furious. On the other hand, I can’t say I’m not impressed with his diversity of expertise!” commented Thompson. “He’s teaching Chemistry, Statistics, Art History, and eight sections of Advanced Rock Climbing. Who exactly is this man?”

As professors leave the classroom to head to wherever their secret research is done, it is always important that they consider whose hands their department’s courses are falling into, and more importantly, the fate of the students now inevitably in their control.