Ann Coulter Rejects Freedom of Expression Ice Cream Flavor, Argues It Has “Too Much Chocolate”

CORNELL DAIRY BAR–Cornell alum Ann Coulter ‘84 returned to campus this week to enlighten the misguided student body about the sorts of ideas actually protected under freedom of expression. After explaining to her audience how immigration will kill us all or something like that, Coulter switched gears to sample the flavors of the Freedom of Expression Ice Cream Vote.

One flavor, ‘Toni S’Morrison,’ immediately drew her ire.

“I don’t like this one. Too chocolatey,” Coulter said, tasting a scoop of Toni S’Morrison. “Who made it a crime to be vanilla?”

Coulter believes that the s’mores-flavored treat represents everything wrong with modern Cornell University: “it’s too cold, too soft, and too brown.” The alum suggested flavors less brown in complexion to replace the current proposed flavor.

“I have some of my own suggestions,” Coulter said. “Why don’t we give ‘Great Replace-Mint Chocolate Chip’ or ‘Butter Pecan’t Elect a Woman as President’ a try?”

Aside from the flavor, Coulter also critiqued the naming of the ice cream, asserting that there are better historical figures to memorialize through lactose, like Robert E. Lee, David Duke, or Donald Trump, who are all famous for various forms of free expression.

“Can a girl get some ‘David Dukies and Cream’ around here? Shit.” Coulter complained.

Coulter suggested reforms for the voting system to provide more desirable results, among them voter identification, literacy tests, and poll taxes. 

“I’m worried some of these so-called voters are… undesirable,” explained Coulter. “To ensure they understand the relevant history of the Dairy Bar, we should verify that their grandfathers attended Cornell.”

Although voting concluded with Toni S’Morrison declared as the winning flavor on April 12, Coulter remains insistent that her proposed flavor was the legitimate winner and is confident that the Department of Food Science will soon give up their charade and announce the election’s true results.

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