President Pollack Closes Eyes, Plugs Ears, Goes “La La La, I can’t hear you!”

DAY HALL—In top Universities across the nation, the crisis in the Middle East has divided student bodies and swept headlines. In a speech Monday, President Martha Pollack addressed the campus protest emblematic of the University’s rising tensions with the spirit of a true leader.

“La la la, I can’t hear you!” exclaimed President Pollack with shut eyes and fingers dug into her ears. “Just kidding! I’m still not listening though.”

Due to the sensitive nature of the topic, the President began her speech to the Cornell community with a very careful statement: 

“This a serious issue and I understand that,” Pollack said, “which is why I will now use a lot of big words.”

Pollack emphasizes the University’s need to remain neutral on this topic, which she plans to do by not seeing, hearing, or reading the news at all. When pressed for a solid answer, Pollack offered a rebuttal.

“Make no mistake about it, the University’s agnostic stance is firm: we stand with Israel, depending on the day of the week, and also stand with Palestine, depending on the weather,” Pollack said. “This is a nuanced conflict that requires nimble adaptation to public opinion. So, for now, suffice it to say that we as a university stand wherever you think we should.”

The University President also addressed the encampment central to campus controversy that has been erected on the Arts Quad, offering her interpretation of the First Amendment.

“I would like to reiterate that tents are not free speech. Tents cannot talk,” Pollack continued. “Free speech covers things like the Cornell Chronicle and complimenting our beautiful, tentless campus.”

President Pollack is expected to follow up with an email to the Cornell community sometime this week, emphasizing the need for words like “community” during these difficult times.

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