“It Sure Would Be a Shame If Something Happened to Your Club’s Funding,” Says SAFC Officer with Outstretched Palm

HO PLAZA—During an impromptu press conference on the steps of Willard Straight Hall, the Student Activities Funding Commission (SAFC) casually reminded all student organizations that it would sure be a shame if something were to happen to their “precious funding” during the upcoming 2020-2022 Byline funding cycle. “I mean, hey, Read More

Brag Much? Area Freshman Puts Sock on Doorknob of Single

DONLON HALL—Despite having no roommates, Justin Palmer ’23  proudly displayed a sock on the doorknob of his hallway single after receiving female company late Wednesday evening.  A sock on the doorknob, the widely-recognized warning signal to returning roommates of ongoing sexual activity, has traditionally been viewed as unnecessary when only Read More

Small Company at Career Fair Just Happy to be There

BARTON HALL—In the midst of representatives from much larger companies, Tony Brown, CEO and recruiter for a small software company based in Connecticut, reported that he was honestly just grateful for the opportunity to attend this semester’s career fair. “Sure, the bigger companies tend to get more attention, but I Read More

Traces of Protein Discovered in Okenshields Chicken Stir Fry

OKENSHIELDS—An analysis released Tuesday found that scant traces of protein exist in the chicken stir fry served at Okenshields. “We believe the protein compounds discovered in the sample are of avian origin, perhaps chicken.” said Food Science Lab Director Hans Kuiken. “However, we can’t determine the precise composition of the Read More

Freshman Who Thinks He’s Cool for Having 20 AP Credits Still Can’t Place Out of Being Lonely

LOW RISE 6—Although Evan Hammond ‘23 arrived at Cornell with enough AP credits to skip most of his basic engineering requirements, his high school efforts still haven’t been enough to alleviate the all-consuming loneliness he has felt the past two weeks. “All my hard work in high school really paid Read More

11th Plague of Egypt Descends Upon Command Strip Section of Bed Bath & Beyond

BED BATH AND BEYOND—Ithaca’s own Bed Bath & Beyond was struck this past week by a new, never-before-seen curse from the heavens above. This eleventh plague wreaked havoc on the aisles dedicated to command strips as well as their off-brand alternatives. “It was horrifying, I’d never seen anything like it,” Read More

Balls-to-Wall Freshman Takes Mind Map Notes During First Lecture

URIS HALL G01—In his first Intro to Cognitive Science lecture this week, locked-and-loaded freshman Daniel Fabre ‘23 went completely balls-to-the-wall utilizing the mind mapping advanced note-taking technique. “I didn’t have my notebook out while we were going over the syllabus, but then I glanced over to my left and I Read More

Excited Freshman Just Going to Slope Day for the Music

LIBE SLOPE—Among the thousands of enthusiastic attendees ready to partake in the Slope Day festivities is Daniel Sebastian ‘22, whose only motivation for showing up is the wholesome and thorough consumption of music. “You don’t need drugs or alcohol to enjoy EDM, especially not during the daytime,” said Sebastian. “I Read More