Student Researcher Discovers 70 New Kinds of Sweat


ITHACA, NY — Last Tuesday, rising Junior Archie Spruce published the findings of his research detailing a remarkable 70 (previously undocumented) new kinds of sweat. Spruce is spending the summer in Ithaca conducting his research as “the humid, jungle-like temperatures” provided ideal experimental conditions. “We are pleased to publish the Read More

Global Warming Skeptics Silenced By Summer


CHESAPEAKE, MISSOURI — Recent reports have shown that the arrival of summer and the associated rising temperatures have led many former non-believers to accept global warming as truth. “Back in the winter, it was very, very cold,” explained Marion Fletcher, a rising senior chemical engineer and self-described frequent weather observer. He Read More

Student Desperate for Non-School-Related Excuse for Not Keeping Up On What’s Happening In Iraq

iraq stuff

ROCKVILLE CENTRE, NY- Rising Junior Gabriela Ramos has entered a state of panic caused by her inability to reasonably justify the fact that she knows nothing about the current tense state of affairs in the Middle-Eastern country of Iraq. “During the academic year, I can usually brush off things like Read More