Students Return to Desperately Clawing for Another Break

students in lecture hall

ITHACA — Thousands of Cornell students returned to campus this week to begin their Spring semester classes and to rekindle their undying impatience for a recess from school. After the month-long Winter break, students are feeling reinvigorated for the new semester’s soul-sucking agony between periods of academic inactivity. “It’s great Read More

Parents Pressure Skorton to “Get a Real Job” at Thanksgiving Dinner

Thanksgiving Fight

TRENTON, NJ — At his cousins’ house for Thanksgiving dinner Thursday night, President Skorton’s parents allegedly pressured him to “get a real job” and “stop living in fantasy land.” The 65 year-old reportedly got into a heated argument with his mother, Jane, and his father, Richard, about his future before Read More

Cornell Botanists Say Smell Coming From Greenhouse Definitely Corpse Plant

corpse plant

Kenneth Post Greenhouse —  In response to inquiries of a suspicious rotting smell that was emanating from one of Cornell’s many greenhouses last week, Cornell botanists have said that was definitely caused the corpse plant and not anything nefarious or illegal. “Haha, what? Why are you even asking?” Plant Biology Read More