Gannett: If Your Vacation Lasts For More Than Four Days, Visit Your Professor


HO PLAZA– In preparation for the end of February break on Tuesday, February 16, Gannett Health Services released the following statement: “Nearly half of all seniors at Cornell suffer from some sort of senioritis. Getting a dose of reality can help students attain and keep their motivation. Ask your professor if your brain Read More

Mann Steals Olin Laptop in Ongoing Rivalry Between Libraries


OLIN LIBRARY – Yesterday Mann Library, usually found on the Agricultural Quad, was seen stealing a laptop from Olin Library, further solidifying the ongoing rivalry between two of the largest libraries on campus. “We received a report at approximately 5:35 p.m. on Tuesday of the entirety of Mann Library fleeing Read More

Cornell Meteorology Department Develops Exciting New Comment about the Weather


BRADFIELD HALL—The Cornell Meteorology department announced this morning the development of a new, original comment about the weather, stemming from a 2-year long study. “Everyone knows the usual, inane comments about the weather we hear all the time. ‘Classic Ithaca, it’s raining again,’ and ‘Holy shit, it’s so cold,’” described Read More

Frats Agree to Split Cost of Tanker Truck of Beer for Pledge


TRIPHAMMER ROAD — A coalition of fraternities has purchased a tanker truck of beer to be shared among Cornell’s frats during pledge season. This unprecedented effort will save thousands of dollars on the millions of gallons of beer that the frats collectively purchase during the semester. “I know this is Read More

Engineering Project Team’s Unmanned Aircraft Clearly Manned


UPSON HALL – Despite the Cornell Unmanned Air Systems project team (CUAir)’s emphasis on fully autonomous flight, onlookers at Saturday’s test flight indicate that a pilot clearly sneaked into the nosecone of the student-built plane shortly preceding takeoff. Pausing slightly to adjust his aviation goggles and fiddle with the large Read More

2035 Survival of Human Species Not a Priority for Cornell, Garrett Says


DAY HALL – President Elizabeth Garrett announced today that Cornell University would no longer strive to achieve complete survival of the human species by 2035, two years after former president David Skorton established action to keep people mostly alive by the same year. “We believe that it is not in Read More

Money-Making Programs Unite to Make Money-Making University More Money


STATLER HALL – The three money-making programs at Cornell , the School of Hotel Administration, the Dyson School of Applied Economics and Management, and the Johnson Graduate School of Management, will officially combine to make the money-making university even more money. President Garrett, who already makes a lot of money Read More