Guy in Class Who’s Not Funny Fucking Loved Elon Musk on SNL

WARREN HALL—Dyson student and absolute shithead Peter Hendrik ‘24, known to fellow students in AEM 1056 as “the Guy who’s really unfucking funny”, was quick to express his enjoyment of Elon Musk’s turn as host of the past weekend’s Saturday Night Live during the class’s penultimate Zoom lecture this Monday.  Read More

Frat Boy Who Lies About Height on Tinder Not Excited About Shaq Slope Day Performance

LIBE SLOPE—While most students are eager to see basketball and DJ Shaquille O’Neal perform as part of this year’s virtual Slope Day celebration, one individual is not.  Fraternity brother Devin Jennings ‘22, who has long misreported his height to potential hookups, was reportedly miffed that Cornell had invited the famously Read More

Senior Thrilled to Pick Which Two Family Members Get Heatstroke

ITHACA, NY—With the new announcement that each graduating senior would receive two tickets for guests, students were delighted at the prospect of selecting which family members they’d send to the hospital for severe heat injuries.  “I was so relieved to get that email,” said Marvin Thomas ’21. “A graduation without Read More

Op-Ed: I Descended the Ominous Stairs in the Willard Straight Hall Basement Bathroom and Met Willard Gay

Cornell University has forever changed my life. Not for the reasons one might think — the networking connections, the classes, the harrowing cover-up of a manslaughter following a frisbee golf game gone wrong. No, rather by revealing the secret behind Willard Straight Hall. The fateful day I learned this secret Read More

“Begone You Wretched Wench” Whispers Medieval History Major As He Unmatches With Girl His Friend Also Matched With

ITHACA—All appeared well for medieval history major Elliot Peters ‘23 as he engaged in the initial small-talk over Tinder to his latest match, high on the satisfaction of their incredible conversation, the type of conversation that Peters found a rarity on the app. Or so he thought.  Peters’ evening went Read More

OP-ED: Inconsiderate Asshole Is Successful When I Am Not

In a targeted attack to ruin my life, absolute shitstain Roger Wilhelm ‘22 continues to be successful at literally everything, while I can’t even tie my shoelaces without them coming undone five steps later.  Roger recently announced his internship at Doctors Without Borders, which he only got because his roommate’s Read More

SA Presidential Candidates at Debate Caught off Guard by Question on Afghanistan Withdrawal

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—The candidates for Cornell Student Assembly President were confused at this past week’s debate when they received a question from the moderators on whether they approved or disapproved of the American military’s withdrawal from Afghanistan. “By withdrawal, you mean like, from their bank account?” Tyler Devins ‘22 responded, Read More