SA President Busy Rehearsing Speech for Trustees to Ignore


STATLER HALL — According to insider information, SA President Sarah Balik is diligently rehearsing her speech which the Board of Trustees will almost immediately ignore. Initial reports indicate that Balik had spent a minimum of seven hours meticulously poring over her speech so that it is as clear, concise, and Read More

TakeNote to Offer New TakeExam Services

taking exam with logo

SPONSORED POST:  From now until November 16, go to and enter the code “CUNooz” for $5 off your purchase. COLLEGETOWN – Supplemental course note provider TakeNote has announced it will begin offering a TakeExam service, in which TakeNote employees will take prelims and finals for students at a predetermined price. “We are Read More

Cornell Football Loses to Grace Potter and Icona Pop in Homecoming Game


SCHOELLKOPF —With thousands of students and alumni on campus to celebrate Homecoming weekend, football fans were disappointed on Saturday as Cornell was defeated 31-14 by musicians Grace Potter and Icona Pop. “I’m very proud of my boys, but we all knew it was going to be rough going up against Read More

Cornell Seniors Excited to Graduate into Indentured Servitude


BARNES HALL – Senior Simone Sedgwick is supposedly super stoked about her looming prospects of post-graduation indentured servitude. “My current loan balance is 20% more than the annual salary of a nation’s leading neurosurgeons,” explained Sedgwick while playfully tearing out her hair. “The current cost of living combined with the Read More