Fiber Science & Apparel Design Major Excited to Impress Parents with Degree in Public Policy

HUMAN ECOLOGY BUILDING—Local Fiber Science & Apparel Design major Daphne Gladden ’23 is reportedly excited to wow her family by graduating with a degree from Cornell University’s proposed College of Public Policy. “When I told my family that I wanted to study fashion design at a “Human Ecology” school, my Read More

Arts & Sciences Dean Dissuades Students From Affiliating With New Reverse Psychology Major

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—In a beginning-of-the-semester email sent out to students this week, Arts & Sciences Dean Ray Jayawardhana strongly cautioned against affiliating with the college’s new reverse psychology major.  “This major is only for mature, grown-up students that want to work hard, but you all little 13th and 14th graders Read More

Student Filibusters Entire Lecture After Realizing Participation Worth 30% of Final Grade

WARREN HALL—In a last ditch effort to save her abysmal participation grade, Isabel Miranda ‘22 spent all 75 minutes of her final AEM Statistics lecture asking a single question. “You know, I just did the math,” Miranda explained after class. “Most people contribute, what? Once a class? Maybe? Taking up Read More

Plum Tree Workers Stockpile Saké Bombs in Anticipation of Formal Season

PLUM TREE —Though it’s quiet in the empty restaurant this morning, Jamie Takahashi, Plum Tree owner, knows it’s the calm before the storm.  “We are a restaurant haunted by its past and preparing for its future. Formal season is about to begin and unless we’re ready, we’ll be obliterated.” “Every Read More

Fossil Fuel Investments Needed to Fund Educating the Next and Final Generation, say Trustees

DAY HALL—In response to student strikes over Cornell’s continued investment in fossil fuel companies, the Board of Trustees released a statement Friday morning affirming that the returns on such investments are necessary for Cornell to continue educating the final generation to exist before the global climate crisis results in a Read More

“Come On In!” Olin Librarian Encourages as Wrecking Ball Smashes Through Circulation Desk

OLIN LIBRARY — Librarians at Olin Library are reportedly still enthusiastic about getting students to use their library  despite current construction actively destroying their workplace.. “We’re really excited about the new renovations going on here,” said librarian Dana Holcomb ‘89, gesturing to the crushed wreck that once was the circulation Read More

Correct Answer to Consulting Firm Case Interview Starting to Seem Like Mass Genocide

BARNES HALL- Interviewing for a summer internship with elite consulting firm McKidney & Company, local AEM major Angela Brighten ’21 reportedly felt obliged to suggest the mass slaughter of civilians as the best solution to a case study. McKidney’s Charles DePrice began the interview by reading a case prompt to Read More

Cornell’s Dietary Guidelines Recommend 12 Daily Servings of PepsiCo Products

PEPSICO AUDITORIUM– In an attempt to encourage healthy on campus living habits, Cornell Dining, Cornell Health, and the Cornell Department of Nutritional Sciences have released a food guide recommending that students consume 12 servings of PepsiCo products every day. “Many young adults find out that college is the time to Read More

Mock Trial Team Excited by Prospect of Real Lawsuit

DAY HALL — Following recent hazing allegations, members of Cornell Mock Trial are eagerly anticipating the potential for legal action. “We practice our courtroom skills for competitions all year, but we never get to do any real lawyer stuff,” said club President Michael Saks ‘20. “If we get the chance Read More