Fraternity Renovates Pledge Dungeon To Comply With New York State Hazing Laws

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WEST CAMPUS — Known for employing unique initiation rituals that date back to Medieval Europe, brothers of Sigma Zeta Delta are reportedly renovating the house dungeon to comply with New York State hazing laws in preparation for this season’s pledge class. “The state legislatures mandate we remove the rust from Read More

Study Abroad Student Excited To Party In Spain Exactly As She Would In America

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BARCELONA, SPAIN— Judging by her fun-looking travel updates on Facebook, after only a week of adjusting to a foreign country, study abroad student Maddy Jackson ’18 is excited to party in Spain exactly as she would in America. “The nightlife here is amazing, I went to a club with friends Read More

Reunited Sophomore Not Telling Friends His Parents Say Hi

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FLATIRON DISTRICT, NYC — After weeks of isolation, Sam Traynor ’19, who was finally reunited with his Cornell friends for a night of debauchery, neglected to tell everyone his parents say ‘hi.’ “How’s that Jimmy, Johnny, boy doing? The engineer. Tell that sharp young gentleman I say hi,” Mr. Traynor Read More

Senior Decides It’s Already Too Late to Be Productive Over Winter Break

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PHILADELPHIA, PA — After getting out of bed at 1:45 PM and briefly considering looking at his calendar, Ted Jackson ‘17 concluded it was already too late to be productive over winter break. “I’m really trying to make the most out of the holidays,” Jackson said while gnawing on frozen Read More

Asshole Professor Makes Adorable Gingerbread House

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TOMPKINS COUNTY, NY — After approving the grades that would lead 58 students to tears and 17 to change their majors, asshole math professor Nancy Druckman began piping royal icing between walls of delectable cookies to assemble her adorable holiday gingerbread house. Professor Druckman, commonly referred to as “the devil Read More

Junior on Winter Break Unsure What to Do With Leftover Finals Anxiety

GREATER TRI-STATE AREA — After frantically packing and driving for five hours straight, Sharon Crane ‘18 arrived home for winter break with the leftover anxiety she stored up for finals still buzzing in her head. “I know that I’m done with exams and all of the stress is behind me, Read More

OP-ED: I Refuse to Buy Coffee On Campus Unless There’s A Full Nativity Scene on My Cup

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The change in weather and endless Jingle Bells on the radio can mean only one thing: Christmas is coming! That’s right, the best time of the year is here again. Get ready for some family fun, exchanging gifts, and the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. But along with Read More

Human Development Majors Rapidly Evolving

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MVR HALL – A recent study within the department shows that Human Development students are rapidly evolving faster than what was previously imagined possible. “My brain efficiency is operating at 97%. My telekinetic ability is reaching maximum potential. Early diagnostic reports suggest my muscle mass has doubled,” stated LeAnn Benson Read More