Modern Day Lewis and Clark? Adventurous Student Embarks on Expedition to Olin Library

OLIN LIBRARY— Despite the abject horror of his roommates, self-proclaimed COVID-Scout William Yates ‘23 bravely and daringly trekked from his apartment in collegetown into the wilds of Olin Library. “When we were laying down the ground rules for our behavior this semester, we agreed to only to leave the apartment Read More

Pollack Won’t Commit to Peaceful Transition to Online Learning if Cuomo Declares Shutdown

DAY HALL—In a press conference this Tuesday, University President Martha Pollack refused to guarantee a peaceful shutdown of in-person learning if Governor Andrew Cuomo says COVID cases exceed the maximum limit.  “Well, we’ll have to see what happens,” said a defiant Pollack. “You know, I always say there’s a problem Read More

OP-ED: How Can Cornell Provide Tampons for People Who Menstruate Without Providing Skateparks for People Who Shred Gnar?

Cornell has always been a trailblazer, and I must start by commending the university, which  began admitting women in 1872, only seven years after its founding. Since its inception, Cornell has been at the forefront of the struggle for the equality of people who mensturate, and can finally say it Read More

Pollack Sends Draft of Campus-Wide Email to Admin Groupchat to Check “If It Looks Okay”

DAY HALL—Cornell University President and former linguistics major Martha Pollack hit up the groupchat composed of Cornell’s most high-profile administrators to check her spelling on the latest solemn missive to the campus community and “make sure the vibes aren’t off.” “It was like 1am, and all of a sudden I Read More

OP-ED: These Bitch Ass Bees Keep Bothering Me While I Try to Eat

COLLEGETOWN BAGELS—Let me begin by establishing that I’m normally extremely easygoing. A friend is running late to a meetup? I understand. Got rejected from my dream job? Things happen. Nothing, however, has tested my patience as much as those buzzy little shits that refuse to stay away from my latest Read More

Student Who Hates Her Roommates Intentionally Gets COVID to Isolate in Statler

THE STATLER HOTEL— Ellie Rosario ‘23 intentionally exposed herself to the novel coronavirus earlier this week in an attempt to escape “the cunts (Jessica Dunst ‘22, Annie Patterson ‘22, and Minnie Davis ‘22) [she] lives with.”  When one of her sorority sisters, Alice May ‘22, mentioned her boyfriend on the Read More

Student Finally Achieves Ideal School-Life Balance During Leave of Absence

RALEIGH, NC – After four semesters at Cornell, sophomore Rodney Phillip ’23 has at last attained the perfect balance between his academics and personal life by leaving the school altogether and taking a leave of absence. “It definitely took a few semesters of trial and error to find the best Read More