Light Slowly Leaves Professor’s Eyes as He Realizes No One Did The Reading

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL— Enthusiastic Classics professor Jonathan Whistler spent the first four minutes of class prodding his students to analyze the reading before it slowly became apparent that not a single student in the class had even opened the 25-page PDF posted on Blackboard. “Please,” he said softly, though he Read More

Cornell Decreases Printing Prices from $0.09 to $0.08 to Alleviate Financial Burden of Low-Income Students

DAY HALL—Cornell issued a university-wide mandate lowering the price of printing by one whole cent, aiming to make an Ivy League education more accessible to students suffering from financial difficulties. Hugh Lipton, head of the Cornell’s Office of Undergraduate Financial Aid, emphasized in the report the “importance of expanding access Read More

Friends From Different States Have Different Fast Food

ALICE COOK HOUSE— After realizing they were accustomed to different fast food chains, Alex Garza ‘21 and Jonathan Leftwich ‘21 engaged in a fifteen minute discussion on Tuesday about which fast food restaurants they eat at in their respective hometowns. At first, Garza, a Texas native, seemed shocked that the Read More

Dyson Junior Networks Too Hard, Marries Goldman Sachs Recruiter

SAGE CHAPEL—After schmoozing with Goldman Sachs recruiter Meredith Hook at a company information session last Thursday, Zackary Chase ‘20 found himself in a marriage engagement, rather than landing a prestigious job as he originally intended. “When I handed her my resume and she saw my 2.79 GPA, I thought I Read More

Junior Drags Out Stained, Beer-Soaked Costume For Second Consecutive Halloweekend

COLLEGETOWN—Jessica Ashdale ’20 began unfurling her crumpled, uncomfortably-soggy baseball costume Friday evening in preparation for yet another weekend of costumed revelry. “How the hell did I get beer on every inch of this costume?” Ashdale said while examining the wadded XXL t-shirt she last tossed in the corner of her Read More

‘Insecure’ Actor to Perform for Insecure Students

This post is sponsored by Cornell University Program Board (CUPB). Amanda Seales will be performing stand-up at this Saturday, November 3 at 7pm in Statler Auditorium! Tickets are on sale for $5 at cornellconcerts.com. STATLER HALL—Capitalizing upon the success of her role in HBO’s Insecure, Amanda Seales is set to Read More

Coach David Archer Brings Football Team to Chuck E. Cheese’s to Cheer Them Up After Tough Loss

CHUCK E. CHEESE’S—After their tough 66-0 loss against Princeton, Cornell football coach David Archer ‘05 decided to cheer up his bummed-out players by bringing them to the local Chuck E. Cheese’s. “The poor kids are just beating themselves up about it. I told them Princeton was really good and that Read More