Rivalry Between Student and Uma Thurman on Roommate’s Pulp Fiction Poster Intensifies

DONLON HALL—Rebecca Tinsley ‘24 knew things weren’t going to work out the moment she moved into her second floor Donlan double and saw her roommate had already hung a Pulp Fiction poster that would continue to haunt Tinsley throughout the semester. “I walk in, and there she is, just smoking Read More

5,000 Surveillance Tests Per Day No Match for Geoff and Stacey from Montgomery, AL

HO PLAZA—Despite conducting tens of thousands of tests for Covid-19 every week, Cornell Health‘s efforts paled in comparison to the threat posted by tourists Geoff and Stacey Vanderblum from Montgomery, Alabama. “I’m not about to let some little flu ruin my life forever,” said a maskless Mr. Vanderblum, 59, while Read More

Student Terminates Human Development Course at 12 Weeks

MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—With the “Drop” period coming to a close this Wednesday, sophomore Human Development major Sasha Wither ’23 exercised her legal right to choose by dropping a class from her schedule 12 weeks into the semester. “I am so thankful I live in a country where I can Read More

‘I Love How I Can Wear Sweats in Class,’ Touts Tour Guide Who Feels Like Bedroom Walls Are Closing In On Her Whenever Alone

ARTS QUAD—During Cornell’s second virtual tour of the day, Eliza Ramirez ‘22 answered parent questions with only a hint of gritted teeth and forced smile. “Is college different now that we’re online?” she cheerfully repeated back to the Ohioan father of three, giving no indication of the dark, claustrophobic interior Read More

Student Unsure How to Politely Tell Roommate There is “No Chance in Hell” They’ll Live Together Next Year

COLLEGETOWN— Worried student Samatha Check ‘23 is struggling to decide how to inform her current roommate that there’s not a goddamn chance the pair will be living together for the coming 2021-2022 academic year.  “She’s a sweet girl,” Check said of her roommate since freshman year, “But she’s always so Read More

Hookup Not Long Enough to Catch COVID or Make Her Orgasm

WEST CAMPUS—In compliance with university coronavirus precautions, local hookup connoisseur and health hero Tyler Burtley ‘23 made sure to keep his latest sexual experience long enough to be COVID friendly, but not long enough to make her finish. “Look I’ve been extremely health-conscious ever since this pandemic hit: wearing a Read More

Student Torn Between Enjoying Warm Autumn and Fearing Climate Change

COLLEGETOWN—Despite his love of hiking and other outdoor activities, Ben Foreman ‘21 is finding it difficult to cherish the final weeks of a temperate Ithaca fall. Instead of frolicking outdoors with impunity, the senior Environment & Sustainability major has been plagued by the knowledge that his October sunbathing is only Read More

OP-ED: Gurgle Gurgle (By: Your Tummy During Zoom lecture)

Gurgle gurgle. Growl. Grrrrrrr. Slosh. Slosh. Slosh. Burble. Grrrnrn. GrrrRRRRrrrr. Glurp gleep glorp. I am tummy, and it is time for class. Pop pop. Snurglesnurglesnurgle. Splish. Sploosh. Brrrrrrrooooooooppppplllleeeeee. GRRrrrrr. Brurhuriruruh? Boop. It’s brave of you to have your mic turned on right now, within gurgling distance. Ploosh. Gululuululugugglugulgulg.  Blub blub. Read More

“My Free Speech is Being Impinged,” Writes Yet Another Student in Largest Campus Newspaper

ITHACA—On Friday evening, Joshua Barkley ‘21 detailed Cornell’s desire to stifle free speech in a campus newspaper consumed by 20,000 readers, the seventeenth opinion piece of its kind published this year. “Barkley’s enlightening views on the silencing of conservative voices on Cornell’s campus is truly groundbreaking stuff,” said conservative commentator Read More