“Then Perish”: Cornell Administration Offers Grad Students Living Wage If They Can Best Ryan Lombardi In Ritual Combat

DAY HALL—In the wake of a 30,000-strong grad student strike in the University of California system, Cornell’s second-most well known administrator has offered to battle graduate students to the death to avoid paying a fair wage.

“University policy explicitly states that we would treat graduate students as equals ‘over our dead bodies,’ and we follow rules here at Cornell,” explained VP Ryan Lombardi. “Therefore, graduate students are entitled to a living wage if and only if they can prove themselves my equal in mortal combat, mano a mano. No weapons: just our fists, our wits, and the cool breeze on the roof of the Statler. If I die, or if I yield, we can promise an industry-average health plan and compensation package. Graduate students say they want to be able to ‘afford food,’ but I’m standing right here offering any of them a free knuckle sandwich.”

Following the announcement, the Cornell Board of Trustees held an emergency meeting in which they approved Lombardi’s offer. According to the graduate representative to the Board, the assembly was originally against the proposal, until Lombardi ripped his shirt off and offered to “give a taste” to any Trustee who dared oppose him, after which the proposal passed unanimously.The Cornell Graduate Student Union (CGSU), however, seemed less enthusiastic about the prospect of a battle royale, claiming that they would prefer a traditional bargaining session to murder.

“Frankly, we are asking for the bare minimum here,” argued physics PhD candidate James Allston ‘24. “A simple arbitration session would be far easier on all of us. The fact that Ryan Lombardi would rather die than offer us a basic cost-of-living raise says a lot about his hatred of grad students, or his confidence in his Muay Thai instructor.”

At press time, the graduate student has declined to challenge Lombardi, opting instead to surrender by leaving a gift of a large wooden bear outside the doors of Day Hall.

No Hope Of Deescalation After Third ROTC Kid Joins Discussion Section

PHILLIPS HALL—Tensions skyrocketed this Tuesday after a third member of the Reserve Officers’ Training Corps forcibly added themselves to the CS1110 Discussion 213 roster. Though a peaceful resolution seemed to be near, the arrival of Cadet Benjamin Peterson ‘25 signals a drastic shift in the ongoing conflict.

“There is absolutely no cause for concern at this time,” stated Cadet Beth Talla ‘24, jotting down the approximate height and weight of each of her fellow classmates on a small notepad. “TA Ryan’s fearmongering about our presence here is entirely unfounded, and the United States Military has no vested interest in the activity of this classroom. While Cadet Peterson’s arrival has been painted by some as a concentration of force to ensure our victory over the rest of you in an eventual conflict, the Reserve Officers’ Training Corps categorically denies these accusations.”

Cadet Talla’s initial enrollment in the class appeared positive, with TA Ryan even going so far as to crack a joke about “needing to watch [his] back.” However, the jokes quickly stopped after Cadet Talla returned the following week with Cadet Allen Engel ‘25 in tow. Talla then reportedly questioned TA Ryan, asking “My back is covered, who has yours?” After a tumultuous semester, the majority of student questions have shifted from the topic of “How do I initialize my for loop?” to “Am I in the middle of a proxy war?”

“One is fine, and two isn’t a good sign, but three has gotta be an invasion,” said TA Ryan Ashe. “This new guy’s not even on the attendance sheet, and the add deadline was weeks ago. He told me he was ‘really interested in computers and stuff’ but the only thing I’ve seen him look at is the size of the windows and the strength of the desks.”

“They might think they’ve got me off guard, but I’ll be ready. This desktop computer weighs about 30 pounds, and I’m ready to launch,” added TA Ryan, a clear signal of his preparedness for the impending war. 

The possibility of peace continued to dwindle after another section member was overheard following class, inquiring about where to get a buzz cut and raving about his “sick new Camaro”.

Brave Conservative Student Loudly Recites Atlas Shrugged Over Gender Studies Lecture, Receives Medal of Honor in His Nightly Wet Dream

JAMESON HALL—In a stunning display of heroic political protest, freshman Jacob McCarthy interrupted a lecture on gender studies last night by standing atop his desk and beginning to recite Atlas Shrugged from memory. For his deeds, McCarthy received a presidential medal of honor from George W. Bush, which he wore with pride until waking up from his deeply unerotic dream.

“I’ve had all of Ayn Rand’s works memorized since the third grade,” McCarthy boasted as he shoved his soiled boxers into a washing machine. “She’s a bit too libertarian for my tastes, but most of what she writes is very good for a woman. Hey, real quick, do you know how to use detergent? This is my first time.”

McCarthy’s roommate, Patrick Hoffman, reported that McCarthy spent the majority of the night mumbling quotes in his sleep as he tossed, turned, and humped his pillow while making obscene noises. “At 4 AM he, like, sat straight up and yelled, ‘Have you ever asked what is the root of money?’” Hoffman recalled with a shudder. “Then he let out the longest, loudest moan I’ve ever heard in my life. It was like The Exorcist, but somehow even less sexy.”

McCarthy, who has never set foot in a gender studies lecture in his life, described the professor as being a disturbing, yet oddly arousing cross between Senator Bernie Sanders and RuPaul. “He was saying all this stuff about how gay and trans people are regular human beings,” he said, “so of course I had to shut that down immediately. Like, I’m all for free speech, but sometimes people just cross the line, you know? Man, the look on his face when I started in on John Galt’s monologue… not gonna lie, it felt exactly like that time I saw two girls making out at a Halloween party. I can’t wait to dream about it again tonight!”

At press time, Hoffman had begun composing his 34th email to the Housing Office, desperately requesting a room change for next semester.

Martha Pollack Disappointed to Learn “Cornell Crushes Huskies” Headline Was In Reference to Hockey Game

DAY HALL- The holiday season is in full swing for Cornellians, many of whom spent a portion of their Thanksgiving holiday in New York City, watching the Big Red hockey team trounce the UConn Huskies 6-0 at Madison Square Garden. The Frozen Apple, a longstanding tradition that unites Cornell students, their families, and generations of alumni, brought smiles to the faces of thousands of fans, as the unranked Cornell team toppled the number six Connecticut squad. However, not all Cornell fans were excited after the big win.

“I mean yeah, it’s cool we won,” said Cornell University president Martha Pollack on Saturday night, “But when I heard we were fighting some huskies, I got excited.”

When asked to elaborate, President Pollack released a dejected sigh before pausing briefly.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of the hockey team, I really am. This win is really big for our program. I just thought you were talking about something else, that uh, is an interest of mine. I really wish sports headlines were phrased a bit more clearly, so the reader doesn’t mistake an article about skating for one about their extracurricular pastimes ”

Cornell Hockey has moved to 6-4 on the season and next faces Harvard at home from Lynah Rink on December 2nd. President Pollack did not offer a comment on whether or not she will be attending the game versus the Crimson, but did say that “those blue-eyed freaks have had it far too good for far too long” and that she “would’ve turned Jonathan the Husky into a coat”. 

Strange: Aunt Patricia Refers to Cornell as “The Place Where Huey Lewis Went to College”

WESTCHESTER, NY—In a confusing development, your Aunt Patricia apparently knows Cornell exclusively as the alma mater of Huey Lewis, the frontman of the bygone pop rock band Huey Lewis and the News.

“I always used to think that some fancy-schmancy Cornell education was a waste of money, but then I learned that Huey Lewis went there,” said Aunt Patricia with no prompting. “Back in my day, he was the lead singer of a popular band called Huey Lewis and the News. That was back when they made real music, though, not all of this hippity hoppity rap garbage with all the cursing and the twerking.”

According to inside source Aunt Janine, Aunt Patricia has been a fan of Huey Lewis and the News since the release of their tour de force 1983 album “Sports” and its hit singles “I Want a New Drug” and “The Heart of Rock and Roll.” However, it wasn’t until later that she learned that Huey Lewis—the band’s lead singer, primary lyricist, and occasional harmonica player—had attended Cornell before dropping out in 1969 during his junior year spring to pursue a career in music.

“Back then they called him Hugh Cregg III, but I think Huey Lewis sounds more macho,” said Aunt Patricia, who is apparently a much bigger fan of Huey Lewis and the News than you previously realized. “I don’t think Huey cared much for Cornell—he probably thought it had too many of those hippie communists running around. But if he can go there and end up making ‘The Power of Love,’ it can’t be too bad after all.”
At press time, you were tempering Aunt Patricia’s expectations that Lewis would respond to an email delivered to hac75@cornell.edu, the address associated with his Cornell NetID.

“Not if we have anything to say about it,” Cornell Republicans Vow to Personally Baste Any Turkey Pardoned by Joe Biden

MCGRAW HALL— In response to the annual pardoning of one lucky turkey for the Thanksgiving holiday, plucky political group “Cornell Republicans” released a seven page Instagram post calling for a reneging on the tradition.  

“This practice runs afoul of the very ideals on which this glorious nation was founded,” explained Zachary Harker ‘23, club president. “Since we’ve called ourselves Americans, we’ve been serving overcooked turkey on Thanksgiving Day, right next to the casserole with all the raisins in it and the cranberry sauce still shaped like a can.”

The group is “prepared to take action” according to their statement. Armed with several grill forks, a diverse supply of seasonings such as salt and pepper, and a single turkey baster, the so-called “Poultry Platoon” plans to operate until the end of Thanksgiving break, seizing and seasoning any turkeys which attempt to enter or leave the White House.

The group’s efforts have even gained the support of the alumni community, with the history of the pardoning tradition being skillfully ripped apart by Mr. Job Fowler ‘22. “Like it or not, all turkeys have an equal right to be served up on a platter and eaten,” Fowler wrote in a newspaper no one reads. “They’re practically begging for it. Why else would they run around screaming gobble gobble?”

Fortunately, the group’s tactics were thwarted when they were whisked away from the White House gates by a family on their yearly turkey trot.

Bobo The Lactose-Intolerant Clown Super Sorry For Disrupting Ann Coulter Event

MYRON TAYLOR HALL— After a week of outrage surrounding an interrupted Ann Coulter event led to calls for expulsion, Bobo the Clown has stepped forward to clarify the cause of the dearth of fart noises and clown music.

“Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry!” exclaimed Bobert Ringling ‘24. “All I’ve heard for the last week is how immature the clown music and fart noises were, but I want you to know I didn’t have much of a choice. See, I housed a quart of ice cream for lunch and I’m lactose intolerant, so that was completely out of my control. As for the music, I have a tiny band that follows me around in my tiny car playing polka songs constantly. I’m really sorry it disrupted the event, but imagine what it’s like trying to sleep with Weird Al parody instrumentals playing directly into your ear. Please, I’m begging here, don’t expel me until you’ve walked a mile in my oversized shoes.” 

Administration, which vowed to quickly crack down on any disruptions, has scheduled student misconduct hearings for Bobo, vowing that the system will handle any goofiness and silliness in due time. Cornell’s conservative groups have doubled down on calls for punishment, demanding the University “send Bobo through the Ring of Fire.” President Pollack released a statement outlining what comes next.

“Cornell values free expression, and will do what is necessary to restore order,” claimed President Pollack. “Fart noises and clown music are not permitted at Cornell, along with any other sounds that entertain the rabble. We are dedicated to protecting any speaker’s ego, and the horrific noises directed at Ann Coulter are clearly nothing short of violence. As such, Bobo will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.”

Campus conservatives dropped all charges against Bobo after realizing his circus’ various connections to animal abuse.

Cornell’s Qatar Campus Built With 50% Less Slave Labor Than Rest of Country

ITHACA, NY and EDUCATION CITY, QATAR—Amid controversies surrounding the 2022 World Cup, Cornell University President Martha Pollack defended the university’s Weill Cornell Medicine-Qatar satellite campus.

Hailing the Gulf state as “the world’s most progressive petro-monarchy,” Pollack appealed to Cornell’s values. “In the words of our founder, we will always strive to do the greatest good. In accordance with this mission, we ensured that the construction of our Qatar campus involved fewer than 2,000 migrant workers, with only sixty deaths. And these corpses hailed from disadvantaged countries all over the world—truly a shining example of our commitment to diversity and inclusion.”

Pollack also addressed the civil liberties Wahhabist absolute monarchies are known for. “Cornell University has a long record of standing up for free speech and other cherished rights. Students at our Qatar campus enjoy the same freedoms as those in Ithaca or New York City. We wouldn’t have it any other way. Now, if they step off campus—well, that’s not really our problem, now, is it?”

She concluded on a positive note. “I understand the concerns about our partnership with the Qatar Foundation. But Cornell University will work with anyone who shares our mission of helping communities and individuals expand horizons and improve lives, regardless of prior or ongoing human rights abuses. Weill Cornell Medicine-Qatar empowers students to broaden their global perspective—its very foundation contains human remains from six different countries! We believe the opportunities this campus brings to both our students and the locals are well worth the slave labor—so long as you only reference the official death count.”

In accordance with Qatar’s Male Guardianship Law, Pollack could not release the statement until her husband approved it and ensured it did not promote immoral activities.

WORLD CUP REPORT: Your Roommate is 1/16th Argentinian, Apparently

WEST CAMPUS—In a shocking turn of events, one student’s milktoast European roommate revealed himself to be “like 1/16th Argentinian” as the World Cup began.

“My great-great-grandfather lived in Argentina, actually!” explained James Brunner ‘24, in blue face paint and a Lionel Messi jersey. “¡Soy Argentino! I love my country, from the beautiful buildings of Buenos Aires to the… beautiful streets of Buenos Aires. The culture of Argentiña runs in my blood, and I’m honestly thrilled to represent my nation’s colors during the World Cup! Vamos Messi!”

Brunner spent the week opining over the storied legacy of the Argentine Men’s National Team. When asked to name his three favorite players in football history, Brunner quickly rattled off the names of Diego Maradona, Leo Messi, and “any other Argentine player.” His friend group has expressed concern over this new identity. 

“He’s never been to Argentina,” claimed Jeff Donner ‘24. “He bought an Ancestry.com test just so he wouldn’t have to root for America’s garbage team this year. In fact, no one knows where he’s from. He claimed to have been born in LA for last year’s Super Bowl, and now all of a sudden he’s a Philadelphian from birth. He’s an international bandwagoner.”

Brunner’s enthusiasm for his newfound ancestry dimmed when he was informed his great-great-grandfather had moved to Buenos Aires from Dresden in 1945.

Chicken Sad, Confused Post Co-Op Rejection

THE PROSPECT OF WHITBY—In a record bad day for poultry, a chicken has been found in complete and utter disarray after being turned away from all cooperative living opportunities, left with absolutely no co-op to call home. 

“It is honestly a bit of a bummer, because she really was one of our more enthusiastic mosey-ers. As soon as she got here she started hopping around and bawking like crazy, and I mean she went for hours. It was impressive, but what are we supposed to do? The university has a strict no animal policy, and I’m honestly not even sure she’s enrolled here. Every time we asked her for her major, she just started clucking!” explained Marie Drums ‘23. A senior who has now lived in the house for one year, Drums cannot help but explain, “We would never willingly discriminate based on species. If she could guarantee her studenthood, we would take it right to the university president!”

Ultimately, the university stands in the way of this chicken finding her family. Regardless of the students’ willingness to truly accept “anybody,” the stopper was placed on this particularly lost bird. 

After her rejection, however, the chicken seemed to make no key moves to identify herself as a student or return to any dorms. In fact, the chicken was really only able to sit in the yard of Triphammer Co-Op, downtrodden, releasing a soft cooing noise that sounded something like “Coop, coop.” 

At press time, Triphammer members were struggling to move the chicken from its self-proclaimed crying spot in their yard.