WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Cornell’s tumultuous school election season has mobilized many individuals to take on more active roles in their student government. For twisted, sick-in-the-head Henry Bateman ‘26, this held especially true. “I think I’d be the kind of guy to bring massive change to this office,” stated Bateman. “Not a single one of the preceding…
As an undergraduate Cornell student, I was overjoyed to receive an email from “OpaVote Voting Link.” I thought, “Finally! I get to use my voice for something that matters: a referendum to decide the best of K-Pop icon PSY’s songs!” It came as an absolute surprise; I’m on all the PSY forums, how had I…
STEWART AVE—Beset with an infestation the likes of which have not been seen since the Old Testament, Collegetown resident Andrew Blum ‘24 took to the internet to voice his frustrations. While Blum’s apartment is both spacious and luxurious, especially when compared to other Collegetown rentals, the veritable menagerie of non-human residents forced him to lower…
NOOZ VIEWZ | The Editorial Board Endorses John McNair This weekend, hundreds of high-achieving high-schoolers, as well as low-achieving high-schoolers under a lot of parental pressure, descended on campus. They have aspirations of coming together to solve pressing global issues like hunger, poverty, and some of that icky tricky Middle-East stuff at the annual Model…
BARTELS HALL—Amidst an on campus housing crisis, the university administration has seemingly been living on a prayer that someone else will bail them out of their own gross miscalculation. Though the departments of Human Development, Engineering, and even Architecture have remained entirely unhelpful, Cornell Outdoor Education has managed to field enough tents to “house” the…
HO PLAZA—Hundreds of admitted students accepted to the class of 2028 flooded Ithaca last week for admitted students weekend, hoping to get a real sense of student life, academic workload, and average student hotness. But unfortunately for them, as the “Freedom of Expression” theme year incites discussion of robust free speech and academic liberty across…
THE CORNELL STORE—After a few days of privately journaling, Meyer Cliffson ‘27 decided that his biweekly contributions to the Opinion column in the Cornell Daily Sun were no longer necessary to subside his moral insecurities. This unexpected choice was made following his first therapy consultation, in which the therapist immediately provided Cliffson with an extensive…
CORNELL DAIRY BAR–Cornell alum Ann Coulter ‘84 returned to campus this week to enlighten the misguided student body about the sorts of ideas actually protected under freedom of expression. After explaining to her audience how immigration will kill us all or something like that, Coulter switched gears to sample the flavors of the Freedom of…
KEETON HOUSE—Students flocked to the new Fall ‘24 course rosters, excited to plan their next academic semester. Unfortunately for one, their very own academic career has been hijacked by an apparent monopoly on required courses. Olivia Thompson ‘25 has only a few semesters to go, but she must overcome one final obstacle to gain the…
MCGRAW TOWER—Despite hoping for a fresh-faced, clean-toothed summer, McGraw Tower ‘1891 recently discovered it must spend Slope Day with its headgear still intact. This news came as a shock to the Cornell community, who now had no choice but to see the clocktower as a massive geek. According to Orthodontist John Stern, Tower possesses “teeth…
