Squirrel Watching Club Neglects Duties as Squirrels Rampage Through Campus

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HO PLAZA — The Cornell campus was on high alert at 11 p.m. last night when a horde of squirrels went into a frenzy through campus after the Squirrel Watching Club neglected its duties during finals week to watch squirrels for radical behavior. “We acknowledge our shortcomings, and we apologize,” Read More

CU Nooz’s Guide to Storing Your Stuff Over Summer Where Stupid Nick Can’t Borrow It Without Asking

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This article was sponsored by EzraBox, a student peer-to-peer storage startup that helps find affordable and easy storage options for summer. It’s almost time for summer break, which means students all over campus are looking for a place to store their belongings in a place where my inconsiderate roommate Nick Read More

OP-ED: With the Daily Sun Printing Less, What Will I Cut Eyeholes Out of To Spy on My Ex?

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By Trey Dean, Concerned Ithacan We all know that printed newspapers are a dying medium, and invariably in the future everything will transition online. But I’ve been a loyal fan of the Cornell Daily Sun for year, and now that they’ve announced their reduced printing schedule, I can’t help but Read More

Administration Releases Evidence that Qatar Workers Are “Yeah – What? Oh No Yeah They’re Fine.”

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DAY HALL — After being pressed on investigations of poor working conditions of personnel at Weill Cornell Medicine in Qatar, the administration revealed that workers at the Doha facility are “Yeah – what? Oh no yeah they’re fine.” Student activist groups’ continued call for an external infrastructure to prevent the Read More

Mother Interrupting Studying for Some Stupid, Unknown Sentimental Reason

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OLIN — During an important study period before the last week of classes, Charlie Hodges ’19 was rudely interrupted with a barrage of affectionate texts from his mother, sent randomly and without context on the second Sunday in May. “Dusting your bookshelves and found your old copy of Peter Rabbit!! Read More