Phew! Class Crush Gives Ick Just in Time for Drop Deadline

URIS HALL—While students across campus methodically scan syllabi for loopholes in preparation for the quickly approaching drop deadline, one particularly picky senior’s decision to drop was based not on an impending prelim whose material went unstudied, but rather the class crush she’d been mildly stalking giving her “the ick.”

“I knew we would never work,” said Natasha Martin ‘24, head in lap. “I mean… he raised his hand all the way up—with his full palm facing the front of the room. Oh God and his posture! Why was he sitting so straight?! There was nothing mysterious or lowkey about that!” lamented Martin, grieving the relationship she never really had with the guy she never really knew.

Friends of Martin were quick to console the sorrowful senior, taking her out for ice cream, watching the sunset, and offering words of encouragement such as “He’s so fake!” and “It’s like the personality you made up was never even real to him!”

Though there was an extra empty seat in the 200-person lecture hall, Martin’s absence went largely unnoticed. When asked about his missing peer, Derek Long ‘23, the class crush in question, simply responded “Who?” Even Martin’s professor was left unfazed by her sudden departure from the course roster, as he had never bothered to learn anyone’s name. 

Martin has since pledged to dedicate the time previously spent in class to “working on [her]self” and “taking classes which actually fulfill [her] graduation requirements.”

Revised Interim Protest Laws Require All Picket Signs to Include “Compliment Sandwich”

DAY HALL—Amid violently expressive protests around campus, President Pollack looks to improve the growingly pernicious Cornell ethos through the enforcement of the “compliment sandwich method.”

“It’s come to our attention that some students have been saying hateful things about me–I mean members of the administration. This goes against our campus policy of being nice,” explained Pollack. 

The “compliment sandwich” is an ancient yet scientifically-proven technique, where a piece of constructive criticism is framed by two gentle compliments. When asked how the new policy would be realized, Pollack offered an example.

“We encourage students to express themselves and their passions through protest, but it should look more like this:”

Martha, we love you and it’s not your fault.

Please divest from weapons manufacturers.

Ryan Lombardi, you rocked that runway outfit!

This new policy is in no way baseless. It is rooted in a rich understanding of historical activism. At the bottom of the email announcement lies a quote from Dr. King: “Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.” However, the fight for love is not over. President Pollack is currently considering her next course of action.

“We’ve been discussing the issue of violent fonts, which go against our other campus policy of not being too scary. Students have begun using truly spine-chilling red and black markers, whereas a softer yellow or maybe a sky blue would be a lot easier to ignor–receive. The megaphone issue has come up in recent meetings as well… nothing sounds very complimentary through a grating megaphone.” 

Students are reminded to keep their passionate activism, but add a little compliment frame. Hopefully all students can soon forget about these issues and return to the age-old tradition of joining hands around McGraw tower with the love and glee that Cornell is known for.

Freshman Feels A Little Better Than Home Friends Every Time They Say The Word “Prelim”

WESTCHESTER, NEW YORK—Visiting home for the weekend, Trevor Troob ‘27 was surprised to find that every time he mentioned the concept of prelim, it went straight to his head. Though Troob’s ego was already somewhat inflated, after clarifying that prelims were “like the Cornell versions of tests,” he began to realize how much better he was than everyone else.

“Prelim is another word for exam?” questioned Troob’s friend, Annika Wheele. “It seemed like a pretty understandable concept, but Trevor explained it six times, so I think I must’ve missed something. It’s nice to see him so engaged in his studies, he had a huge grin on his face while telling us all about it.”

As Troob continued to accidentally call his upcoming tests “prelims” on purpose, he realized how far he had come. Looking around at his closest friends, many of whom had known him since childhood, Troob could tell that he had simply become ever so slightly superior to them. Now that they were unfamiliar with the single piece of Cornell specific vocabulary he had acquired, the widening gap between their intellect and his own became apparent.

“Any simpleton can take an exam, but only a learned Cornellian can take a Prelim,” stated Troob. “It just so perfectly captures the essence of what makes our institution so excellent, and by extension, what makes other people just a tad inferior to me. I hadn’t realized it before, but going to a university with a mildly positive reputation actually does diminish my opinion of others.”

At press time, Troob had grown quite reticent to discuss his prelims after receiving the scores.

Student Assembly President Gets Too into President Cosplay, Begins Coughing Up Dust and Choking on Own Teeth

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Cornell’s very own government, the Student Assembly, has struggled to gain legitimacy with a student body that refuses to take the legislature seriously. As such, the group has taken steps to legitimize themselves as real politicians, such as falsifying tax documents, taking sudden hospital visits, and slurring their words during press conferences.

“Cornell is a University of people… who… people and bright students towards our futuremnsgrh,” proclaimed President Christopher Garcia ‘25, moments before coughing up a cloud of brown dust. “As Ezra Cornell himself said, ‘Any penson, amy stufy’ …… “

Moments before collapsing to the ground, Garcia spat out both of his withering front teeth. As of yesterday, the current president has already submitted his reelection bid and is forecasted to win.

Other Student Assembly members have used similar techniques to gain legitimacy such as Mariah Davenport ‘26, who has insisted on using a wheelchair for the remainder of the semester despite her ability to walk. Sasha Brown ‘25 has also gotten in on the action, pretending to be dead during a Wednesday special meeting.

She declined a request to comment, but Student Assembly officials assured reporters that literally being dead is not a valid reason for resignation and that Brown will be “running again for the next 60 years.”

Op-Ed: If We’ve Moved an Hour Ahead, Why is My Laundry STILL WET?

This past Friday, the most dire tragedy in the life of a young bright college student came to fruition—that’s right, it was laundry day. Sadly the 57 pairs of identical black socks I brought from home did not absolve me from this soul crushing experience. The arduous process began sharply at dawn to avoid everyone in the dorm as always. I quickly snuck down to the brilliantly engineered machines that somehow manage to keep your clothes at the perfect, confusing amount of wetness. While I was getting ready to begrudgingly receive yet another damp set of clothes, it hit me; today was daylight savings which can only mean one thing: the clothes have to dry today. 

I diligently checked the machine every 30 minutes; watching the hypnotic…I mean super boring turns of the machine and the marvelous…ly idiotic mechanisms that soiled my kaleidoscope of clothes each time. However when that clock hit 2 and the glorious switch to 3 happened, that change did not seem to want to extend itself to anything but the clock.

But as I was griping about my clothes and the daylight savings disappointment, I had an epiphany; my time in Sheldon basement was, might I say, transformative? Did I enjoy watching those clothes move in that circular motion because it served as a distraction from the gaping pit of fear in my stomach? No, it can’t be. Was I the one making the clothes wet? As I sat there watching the impatient floor idiot take out my clothes from the dryer I realized the laundry wasn’t the product of a perm press spin cycle or the work of a mere machine and buttons, the laundry was in me all along; I was the laundry. 

Martha Pollack, Giggling Uncontrollably, Orders Clock Tower Re-Reconstruction

ROBIN HILL—Students have enjoyed a Golden Age of mild, rather than crippling, inaccessibility on campus. Since the fall of the Kremlin’s Chain-Link Curtain, students have been free to travel between East Ho Plaza and West Ho Plaza. And yet, they remain ungrateful. Students continue to complain about permanently fenced-off walkways labeled “Temporarily Closed” and other active inconveniences. Amidst rising complaints, Cornell University has generously provided an update.

“Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!” chortled President Martha Pollack. She elaborates, doubled over with mirthful tears welling in her eyes, “Zort, zing, zoo-wee mama— I’m about to do the funniest thing of all time… Just imagine the look on their faces when they see what we have in store!”

Pollack was not, in fact, referencing the oodles of affordable Cornell memorabilia available for either an arm or kidney. Rather, she was alluding to the imminent re-reconstruction of McGraw Tower. For the preservation of such a historic site, Cornell University has determined that the previous attempt at reconstruction was inadequate and must be scrapped and redone.  

“It’s best that we start over,” Pollack explained. “I know that isn’t saying much because we spent all our time putting up scaffolding last time but trust me. We need completely new scaffolding. The old one won’t do. Truly, it’s best if we start over and spend another year on this. Maybe two…”

Turning away, Pollack let out one final guffaw and muttered “Money laundering is far easier when projects take longer, and I do need spinning rims on my car…but more importantly, the looks on their faces will be priceless!”

“Need a Hand?” Mann Library Pecker Peeper Reaches Right Over Urinal Divider

MANN LIBRARY—The infamous and self-proclaimed “well-intentioned” peeping tom stalking the stalls of Mann Library has crossed boundaries, both social and physical, by reaching his hand right over the urinal divider in order to flush for another student. 

When questioned about his breaking of the lavatory taboo, Jackson Tuttle ‘24 defended his actions by shrugging his arms, smirking, and stating “The guy’s hands were full.” This is not the first time Tuttle, who regulars of Mann Library have given the apt moniker of “Pecker Peeper,” has caught flack for what he calls “a public service.”

“Society has gone soft,” Tuttle began. “In my grandfather’s day and age, it was totally normal for guys to take a peak—in the shower, at the urinal, it didn’t matter. Hell! If your hands got tired, you could expect someone else to pick up the slack!”

“I’m just trying to put the community back in community bathroom,” Tuttle went on. “Men nowadays are so self-conscious. That’s why I’m there, not to ‘breach the code of student conduct’ but to inspire pride in mens’ packages! A quick side eye and a short ‘Nice’ goes a long way. Can you imagine how good it feels for someone—a complete stranger at that—to compliment your cajones?”

“It felt terrible,” said Josh Lunn ‘24. “I knew something was wrong when I couldn’t hear anything coming from the other side of the barricade. But to check was to become the Peeper myself, so I just pushed on. I thought I was in the clear as I zipped up and shook off, but that’s when the Peeper complimented my flow, patted me on the back, and flushed my urinal.”

Tuttle has been granted permission to return to campus on the condition that he does not enter or use any of its restroom facilities. When asked if not being able to pee all day might make it difficult to complete his studies, Tuttle responded, “I’ve only ever used the bathroom at home. I get too nervous to pee in public.”

Student Out Of Neon Yellow Stars Opts For Full Face Of Clown Makeup To Hide Acne

KENNEDY HALL—Fresh out of vibrantly-colored stickers to slap on his face, Peter Tripe ‘25 was facing the utter embarrassment of going outside with a single pimple on his forehead. Fortunately, Tripe was able to deftly avoid disaster by turning himself into a clown.

“God I looked ridiculous,” said Tripe, his lips painted green. “This morning I mean. Luckily, I put on the facepaint and fixed everything. I get so self-conscious about pimples, knowing everybody is staring at me,” Tripe continued, pausing to readjust his red rubber nose. “It’s such a relief to make it go away. It’s like I never even had acne, like a normal person!” 

When another student asked Tripe if he thought that the giant purple diamonds he had painted around his eyes might actually attract more attention than the pimple would have, Tripe expertly defended his decision; reaching into his pocket for a pair of chattering wind-up dentures, Tripe attached them to the ear of the non-believer, scaring them off. 

Tripe has become well versed at avoiding all sorts of critical faux pas. After accidentally dropping his pencil in lecture, he acted quickly to deploy his hidden banana peel before leaping brashly from his lecture seat. Tripe took a fall so gut-busting, he had to be carried out by two highly trained Orangutans with a stretcher. A master at his craft, nobody in Tripe’s row of seats even thought to try and pick up the fallen pencil, sparing him the crushing shame of having to thank them.

“I’ve always felt like the stickers weren’t distracting enough,” commented Anya King ‘26. “Everyone still knows that I’ve got a grotesque pimple under the pretty star. With Peter’s new cover-up technique, you can’t see any of his actual face at all! Maybe people won’t even realize I have acne; they might just think I look like this on purpose!”

Having received a replacement shipment of Starface Hydro-Stars™, Tripe has gone back to using the stickers. He claims that he knew they were working as intended when others told him that he “still looked like a clown.”

Hit-and-Run? Ho Plaza Stoplight Crashes Into Innocent Car, Flees Scene

HO PLAZA—The Cornell University Police Department is currently investigating a reported hit-and-run that left one vehicle injured Friday evening. Investigators suspect a stoplight was responsible for the collision.

Officers responding to the incident noted significant damage to the hood and windshield of the victim. AAA Roadside Assistance administered first aid to the wounded vehicle, which was determined to be in stable condition after being transported to a local auto-repair shop. 

By the time officers arrived at the site, the offending traffic light had already disappeared. No present witnesses could provide specific identifying characteristics for the suspect stoplight that fled the scene, although several bystanders independently reported a red glow emanating from the stoplight at the moment of impact. 

Authorities will continue their investigation, but the traumatized driver is not seeking answers. “I don’t think the cops need to look into this any further. It would be really bad for my, um, mental health if they did,” said Aaron Curtis ‘25. “Anyway, I’m sure that I- er, the stoplight, did it by accident. Why don’t we just let the whole thing blow over.”

Police hope to apprehend the nefarious culprit soon. “We believe the perpetrator was under the influence at the time of the crash,” relayed CUPD Chief Kevin Conrad. “Unfortunately, it’s kind of hard to administer a breathalyzer test to a traffic light.” 

Officers expect the suspect stoplight will try to cause more trouble in the coming days by blending in with the crowd, so the CUPD advises drivers and pedestrians to ignore all traffic signs on campus until the investigation is resolved.

When2Meet Fraud? No Way Friendless Outcast Club Member Is Busy on Friday After 8

WARREN HALL—Every semester, thousands of Cornellians ambiguously fill out When2Meet surveys seeking an optimal hour to schedule their weekly rendezvous. While scrutinizing the availability of his fellow project teammates, president Edmund Fitch ‘24 was shocked to see that for the first time, the socially inept loner on the team indicated that he was unavailable to meet on the following Friday after 8 PM.

“Finally! Our web programmer, Matthew, claims to be ‘busy’ next Friday night!” Fitch could hardly contain his excitement, grinning as he hovered his cursor over grids of green. “And what exciting event, pray tell, could that hermit possibly be occupied with that evening?” 

The E-board Slack channel erupted into a cacophony of digital gasps and rampant speculation. The socially repugnant recluse in question, known to many as “that one guy in the corner,” had always been a source of morbid fascination and annoyance. Team members reveled in the opportunity to hypothesize about the paradox of such an utterly boring, uninterested individual having Friday night plans. Theories ranged from the mundane (attending an acapella concert) to the outlandish (performing arcane rituals in the Kroch Library). 

Upon questioning, Matthew justified his unavailability to meet, “God forbid I enjoy an evening to myself instead of meeting up with these dumbfuck losers again. Self-care and whatnot. I only joined for the LinkedIn clout anyway.”

Meanwhile, the self-alienating club outcast sat oblivious in his musty dorm room as conspiracies brewed around his social life. Unbeknownst to him, his curated Friday night ritual of grinding Sidechat karma, indulging in a solo campaign of Dungeons & Dragons, and doing a $3 face mask from Urban Outfitters was about to become the subject of intense ridicule.