In recent weeks, a new trend of “look-alike” competitions for celebrities has been popping up all over the country. One Cornell staff member, Jacob Kerrigan ’02, decided to join in on the fun, putting a personal twist on the fun new tradition. The poster, unfortunately, features a somewhat blurry photo of the subject of the…
PLANNED PARENTHOOD—Amidst the end-of-year sentimentality, everyone’s favorite period-tracking app couldn’t help but jump on the new “wrapped” trend, announcing an update to show users’ end-of-year period-related data. “The new feature contains dozens of exciting statistics you’ve never wanted to see or know!” stated spokesperson Jonas Piercy. “For example, did you know that of the 47…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Frank Rosen ‘25 delivered a speech to an emergency session of the Student Assembly regarding the calamitous prelim grade dropped on a Cornell sophomore earlier today. “Today, December 7, 2024—a date which will live in infamy—Eddie Kimmel ‘27 was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the TAs and professor of MATH 2130. “Kimmel was…
sibley hall—-i mean yeah because it’s almost finals week i’m a little extra stressed out right now but my doctor and also all my professors and friends and family are exaggerating things a little like yeah obviously i haven’t been sleeping or eating all that much and my breathing pattern has settled into permanent hyperventilation…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Dozens of students were left bewildered today when they received a Slack message from an unmarked sender. “Hey everyone! Super excited to meet everyone from clubfest at our first GBody on Tuesday, Dec 10th at 7pm!” Many were planning to leave the Slack; however, the message went on to tell the unsuspecting recipients…
HANS BETHE HOUSE—Students flocked back to campus today, marking the end of Thanksgiving break. For most it was restful. For many students, however, Thanksgiving means a dreaded reunion with humankind’s most resented relatives: uncles. “I have twelve uncles,” said Ethan Doherty ‘27. “It’s hard to keep track of which ones are normal because everyone wears…
DAY HALL—As Thanksgiving Day nears, Cornell’s campus nears emptiness as most students, staff, and faculty leave Ithaca to celebrate with family. For the few who remain, Morrison Dining offers its annual Celebration of Gratitude Dinner. However, for Interim President Michael Kotlikoff, Thanksgiving is more than just a celebration. Spectators recall watching Kotlikoff follow live turkeys…
BAKER FLAGPOLE—As Cornell’s premier transportation service, OurBus operates dozens of routes out of Ithaca every week, nearly all of which safely reach their destinations. However, one routine trip originally scheduled for Rochester quickly turned south when the bus made a left on State Street. “I sensed something was wrong as soon as we started moving,…
NOOZ VIEWZ | The Editorial Board Recently Found Out About “Monopolies” CU Nooz has always prided itself in being the only news source on campus. But recently, we have discovered an undercover publication that you probably never heard of before, the Daily Sun, and have unanimously decided to buy the Sun the moment they go…
ROCKEFELLER HALL—Students of Professor Gary Whitman have expressed growing concern for their physics instructor after his lectures took a dismal turn in the last couple of weeks. While the discovery of Whitman’s ongoing divorce saddened his pupils, few of them were surprised. “Yeah, he’s kind of been hinting at it,” admitted Shriya Pradhan ‘28. According…
