Cornell to Shut Down For Good After Finally Teaching Every Person Every Study

DAY HALL—Saying that the university’s mission has been accomplished and there is no reason to continue, the Board of Trustees has unanimously voted to shut down operations next month after finally teaching every person every study. “Now that we’ve almost wrapped up graduating every single person in all possible subjects, Read More

OP-ED: Not to Harsh Roxane Gay’s Vibe, But I’m Also Down to Be the Convocation Speaker

If you scroll down all the way down the Twitter comments where Roxane Gay wrote, “I’ll hook you up” on the Daily Sun article, addressing Cornell’s lack of a convocation speaker, you’ll find one more comment—from yours truly—that says, “I’ll hook you up, too.” Hi. It’s me, Frank. I’m a Read More

Martha Pollack Fires Off Quick Email on Swastika Before Heading Back to IBM

Michael Wenye Li / Cornell Daily Sun

DAY HALL—After receiving word yesterday that another swastika had turned up less than an hour before her flight to IBM headquarters, Cornell President Martha Pollack quickly jotted down a four sentences campus-wide email on her way to the airport. “A few months ago, I might’ve written a long email expressing Read More

Medieval Studies Department Hyped Out Of Their Fucking Minds For Game Of Thrones Premiere

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Citing the immense cliffhangers and high stakes in the wake of last season, the entire Medieval Studies department is going absolutely fucking mental for the Game of Thrones season 8 premiere. Omar Alberen ‘20, a Medieval Studies major, has been in full Night’s Watch regalia for weeks and Read More

Cornell Club of Manhattan Confused Why More Severely In-Debt Students Not Joining

NEW YORK CITY—A recent analysis of Cornell Club membership applications found that Cornell’s impoverished recent graduates haven’t been purchasing expensive memberships to the upscale Manhattan club, for some unknown reason. “What could possibly be keeping them from Cornell Club’s countless fine dining and fitness programs?” asked Riley Schwartz, a manager Read More

Environmentally Conscious Student Reuses Condom For Two Months

COLLEGETOWN—Geoff Rankle ‘19 took a brave stand for climate justice by reusing a latex Trojan condom for two full months. Rankle began this eco-friendly practice after watching Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth” three times and “finally getting it.” “People talk about saving the planet by driving electric cars or recycling, Read More

Pathetic Waste of Space Thinks Staying in Ithaca Over Break Was Fun

Ithaca NY—After many of her friends returned to campus from their marvelous spring break adventures around the globe, one pathetic student actually enjoyed her time staying in Ithaca over the break. Even though she never drank the finest wines or had passionate flings with the hottest men the world had Read More