Human Development Majors Rapidly Evolving

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MVR HALL – A recent study within the department shows that Human Development students are rapidly evolving faster than what was previously imagined possible. “My brain efficiency is operating at 97%. My telekinetic ability is reaching maximum potential. Early diagnostic reports suggest my muscle mass has doubled,” stated LeAnn Benson Read More

Rick Santorum to Announce 2020 Presidential Campaign Suspension at Cornell

Former United States Senator Rick Santorum (Republican of Pennsylvania) speaks at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) at the Gaylord National at National Harbor, Maryland on Friday, February 27, 2015. Credit: Ron Sachs/CNP - NO WIRE SERVICE - Photo by: Ron Sachs/picture-alliance/dpa/AP Images

STATLER AUDITORIUM — Speaking to the Cornell community later today, conservative politician Rick Santorum is expected to announce that he is immediately halting his 2020 campaign for President of the United States. Santorum’s announcement will follow a long, distinguished career of failed presidential campaigns. “Before this upcoming election cycle, I Read More

Asshole Professor Assigns Reading When All the Other Shit Is Due

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GOLDWIN SMITH HALL – In what is sure to be received as a total dick move by his Earth Science students, asshole Professor Robert Simpson assigned a ninety-page reading for Monday when all everyone’s other shit is due. “This guy’s a total shithead,” said Peter Clegg ‘17, turning two pages Read More

Romantic Evening Ruined by RPCC Closing at 9:00

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ROBERT PURCELL MARKETPLACE EATERY – Following a wonderful, chemistry-filled conversation over Mongolian stir-fry and chicken bacon ranch pizza, the mood between Lance Becker ‘20 and Sarah Burr ‘20 was reportedly killed Tuesday night when the guy behind the pasta counter reminded them the dining hall would be closing at 9:00 Read More

Politically Divided Family Exchanges Warm Fuzzies Over Last Slice of Pie

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GREATER TRI-STATE AREA — After a particularly tense Thanksgiving dinner peppered with snide remarks, Jane Davidson ’19 was surprised by the kindness prompted by the last slice of pumpkin pie. “I got riled up when Janey rolled up our damn driveway with her blue Prius and Hillary 2016 sticker,” said Read More

International Students Confused About Where Everyone Went

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HOLLAND INTERNATIONAL LIVING CENTER – Huddled together in a common room of HILC, the twelve international students left all alone on campus are deeply confused about where everyone went. “Hey, why’d everybody leave?” said bamboozled student Avi Khan after emerging to a cold, desolate wasteland. “Where would everyone need to Read More

Snow Offers Students First Non-Controversial Conversation Topic in Over a Month

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ARTS QUAD – Following a relatively surprising November snowstorm, reports indicate that Cornell students are using the change in weather as a conversation topic in place of much more controversial issues dominating discussions for the past month. “Wow, I can’t believe it’s so snowy!” said Hannah Palmer ’19, choosing to Read More

Formal Attire Compensates For Two Hours of Being Drunk and Trashy

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BOATYARD GRILL – Looking like highly sophisticated and fully functioning members of society, attendees of Rho Upsilon Tau’s annual fall formal felt no lack of dignity despite several hours of behaving like trash and getting fucked up at a very nice venue. “It’s really great to enjoy a classy event with Read More

Atlas Angry at Classmates for Piggybacking on World-Lifting Group Project

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GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — As the semester comes to an end and classes across the campus dive into their final group projects, the Greek Titan Atlas is becoming frequently frustrated with his classmates for not holding up their end of the assignment. “It feels like I’m holding the entire world Read More