Student at Summer Internship Drops Fourth Hint of Day That He Goes to Cornell


MIDTOWN MANHATTAN — Hoping to remind his fellow interns of his intellectual superiority, Cornell rising Sophomore Danny Harris dropped his fourth hint of the day that he goes to Cornell University while working at startup this summer. Harris, who is currently in the process of transferring from ILR to AEM, Read More

Professors Notice Increase in Student Motivation To Be the Very Best, Like No One Ever Was


FOREST HOME — Weeks after leaving their hometowns, an unprecedented number of reinvigorated students have surprised staff with an overflowing enthusiasm to train and learn, striving to be the very best, like no one ever was. Faculty report record high class attendance and engagement, as more students than ever have Read More

Report: 10:10 Lecture Fills Up Too Quickly and Oh Boo Hoo You Sad Fucks


STUDENT CENTER — Thousands of members of the class of 2020 attempted to enroll in the 10:10 lecture of Introductory Macroeconomics this morning, however they found it filled up too quickly and oh boo hoo you sad fucks, you didn’t get a class you wanted. “Now that I’ve been locked Read More

Recent Graduates Wondering Who Will Take Initiative to Clean House


COLLEGETOWN – Following graduation and the departure of the majority of students from the Cornell campus, residents at 531 East State Street have been seen idly walking around their incredibly disgusting house, curious as to which person would be the first to start cleaning. “Our lease ends this weekend, and Read More