Seniors Excited to Move out of Shitty Collegetown Apartments, Be Exploited by Richer Landlords in Bigger Cities

COLLEGETOWN—As finals wrap up and seniors prepare to move out of their apartments, many have begun to rejoice at the prospect of leaving behind the inflation, underregulation, and rigidity of Ithaca’s housing market in favor of the monopolization, artificial scarcity, and frenetic pace of the markets in new, cooler cities. Read More

Stupid Gov Major Excited to Tell Everyone His Three State Solution to Israeli-Palestinian “Conflict”

KLARMAN HALL—During the final day of his introductory International Relations course, government major and self-described “radical centrist” Fred Pavlos ‘24 took advantage of an opportune moment in a dead silent breakout room to explain his ingenious three-state solution to the ongoing Israeli-Palestinian conflict.  “I’m sick of so many people talking Read More

Cornell Announces All Log Ins Will Require a Signed Permission Form From Mommy

DAY HALL—In a surprise announcement by the administration this Tuesday, Cornell will  replace Duo Mobile with a permission form to take home to Mommy in its newest efforts in the war on cybercrime. “I think this new system is just lovely,” remarked Kaitlyn McCullough, mother of Xander McCullough ‘23, as Read More

Construction of Incomprehensible North Campus Labyrinth Coming Along Smoothly

NORTH CAMPUS—In a bewildering display of competency on its construction sites, Cornell’s very own incomprehensible labyrinth has begun to take shape in the center of North Campus. While the creation of the impossible structure has been detrimental to student’s sleep schedules, with some freshmen complaining of ominous chanting and bulldozer Read More

Guy in Class Who’s Not Funny Fucking Loved Elon Musk on SNL

WARREN HALL—Dyson student and absolute shithead Peter Hendrik ‘24, known to fellow students in AEM 1056 as “the Guy who’s really unfucking funny”, was quick to express his enjoyment of Elon Musk’s turn as host of the past weekend’s Saturday Night Live during the class’s penultimate Zoom lecture this Monday.  Read More

Frat Boy Who Lies About Height on Tinder Not Excited About Shaq Slope Day Performance

LIBE SLOPE—While most students are eager to see basketball and DJ Shaquille O’Neal perform as part of this year’s virtual Slope Day celebration, one individual is not.  Fraternity brother Devin Jennings ‘22, who has long misreported his height to potential hookups, was reportedly miffed that Cornell had invited the famously Read More

Senior Thrilled to Pick Which Two Family Members Get Heatstroke

ITHACA, NY—With the new announcement that each graduating senior would receive two tickets for guests, students were delighted at the prospect of selecting which family members they’d send to the hospital for severe heat injuries.  “I was so relieved to get that email,” said Marvin Thomas ’21. “A graduation without Read More

Op-Ed: I Descended the Ominous Stairs in the Willard Straight Hall Basement Bathroom and Met Willard Gay

Cornell University has forever changed my life. Not for the reasons one might think — the networking connections, the classes, the harrowing cover-up of a manslaughter following a frisbee golf game gone wrong. No, rather by revealing the secret behind Willard Straight Hall. The fateful day I learned this secret Read More