When2Meet Fraud? No Way Friendless Outcast Club Member Is Busy on Friday After 8

WARREN HALL—Every semester, thousands of Cornellians ambiguously fill out When2Meet surveys seeking an optimal hour to schedule their weekly rendezvous. While scrutinizing the availability of his fellow project teammates, president Edmund Fitch ‘24 was shocked to see that for the first time, the socially inept loner on the team indicated that he was unavailable to meet on the following Friday after 8 PM.

“Finally! Our web programmer, Matthew, claims to be ‘busy’ next Friday night!” Fitch could hardly contain his excitement, grinning as he hovered his cursor over grids of green. “And what exciting event, pray tell, could that hermit possibly be occupied with that evening?” 

The E-board Slack channel erupted into a cacophony of digital gasps and rampant speculation. The socially repugnant recluse in question, known to many as “that one guy in the corner,” had always been a source of morbid fascination and annoyance. Team members reveled in the opportunity to hypothesize about the paradox of such an utterly boring, uninterested individual having Friday night plans. Theories ranged from the mundane (attending an acapella concert) to the outlandish (performing arcane rituals in the Kroch Library). 

Upon questioning, Matthew justified his unavailability to meet, “God forbid I enjoy an evening to myself instead of meeting up with these dumbfuck losers again. Self-care and whatnot. I only joined for the LinkedIn clout anyway.”

Meanwhile, the self-alienating club outcast sat oblivious in his musty dorm room as conspiracies brewed around his social life. Unbeknownst to him, his curated Friday night ritual of grinding Sidechat karma, indulging in a solo campaign of Dungeons & Dragons, and doing a $3 face mask from Urban Outfitters was about to become the subject of intense ridicule.

Practical Application! Physics Student Recalls “Fg=Mg” Right Before Eating Shit On Icy Sidewalk

Rockefeller Hall—Samuel Maxwell ‘24 was sick of the negative reputation physics majors have garnered, and was determined to change it. As his wiry pipe-cleaner build struggled along Collegetown’s icy asphalt, Maxwell insisted that physics majors were “in the upper echelon of Cornell intelligence” and “not at all condescending or arrogant.” 

He talked at length about accessible topics simple rubes could understand, such as topological insulators and high energy plasma physics. However, despite his ability to expound volumes on quantum entanglement, Maxwell has yet to entangle with a woman.

“I mean, Isaac Newton was a virgin. So was Tesla. I’m just following in the footsteps of the greats,” Maxwell stated as he adjusts his glasses, “Just as the force of gravity pulled an apple onto Newton’s head, women have pulled prominent physicists away from their studies for generations. I choose not to be distracted.” 

As Maxwell monotonously droned on about garbage nobody cared about, he insisted “Everyone should—no, NEEDS to study physics! It nourishes your soul and prepares your mind to appreciate life. To not study physics, is to not live.”

But have Maxwell’s physics classes prepared him for what is about to happen next? A hero emerges on the half-maintained paths: a patch of icy pavement determined to put this insufferable dweeb in his place.

“Oh flux!” Maxwell exclaimed as his body contorts, pretzel like, to keep him bipedal. He failed.

Gathering his remaining dignity after eating spectacular shit, Maxwell remarked that one day, stories will be told of Samuel Maxwell the Chaste, founder of poorly maintained pathway physics.

Study: Burnout Most Common Among Stupid Kids

Every semester, students across campus eagerly await “prelim season,” a time for rigorous–yet invigorating–intellectual stimulation. Unfortunately, according to a new report released by Cornell’s Department of Psychology, stupid kids actually suffer during this energizing time of year. 

Academic burnout is brought on by overwhelming workloads, and can cause students to feel drained, exhausted, and unmotivated. The study found that these feelings, however, are not normal, and are in fact indicative of chronic stupidity. “Students experiencing burnout should be embarrassed,” head researcher Dr. Elizabeth Redmond said. “It’s pathetic.” 

Cornell researchers noted that stupid kids experience burnout because they are simply incapable of succeeding. Dr. Redmond recommends these dull-witted students take their symptoms as a sign that they are incompetent and should just give up. “Your body is signaling to you that you’re too dumb to handle your workload,” she noted. “Get the hell out of here before your ineptitude drags down the rest of the student body.”

In light of this conclusive study, Cornell Health recommends that burned-out students do not reach out for support. “There is no cure for being a moron,” explained therapist Jenna Rickman. “You may as well just stamp the word ‘idiot’ on your forehead.”

“Silly Drink Paint Thursdays” Revealed To Be Hazing All Along

UNIVERSITY AVE—Aspiring brothers of Beta Sigma fraternity were shocked to find out that their favorite weekly pledge event “Silly Drink Paint Thursday” was actually hazing.

Beta Sigma was one of many fraternities placed under suspension by the University amidst a crackdown on hazing. Brothers and pledges alike were caught off guard by the punishment, unsure why forceful consumption of poisonous materials could be considered immoral.

“My Big drank paint. My Grandbig drank paint, as did his Big before him! Who am I to break tradition?” lamented the frat’s Risk Chair, Jack Rampert ’24. “Everybody is talking about us like we’re an evil group pressuring 18 and 19-year-old boys to do harmful things to themselves in the name of brotherhood. That’s not us. If they don’t want to drink paint, they don’t have to. We also have primer.”

The hazing practice was discovered by horrified outsiders when swarms of freshmen boys were returning to their dorms late on Thursdays with a ring of red, white, and blue paint around their mouths. During the event, pledges are split into Color War-like factions. They are blindfolded, given a cup of paint to taste, and must guess the correct RGB values of the color. 

Members of the fraternity have bravely indicated that hazing bonds them as a family in a “dope-ass way.” Participants of the event were brought to the hospital to be seen by medical professionals. When asked about her views on this new hazing exercise, Dr. Marcia Goldenbaum said, “they’re drinking paint? Of course they are.”

Doing The Robot: Students Sext ChatGPT This Valentine’s Day

Thousands of students on campus have found themselves less alone this Valentine’s Day with a little help from an old study buddy: ChatGPT. Thanks to the indistinguishable array of data on the internet, singles can craft their perfect partner through artificial intelligence; bolstered by the romantic holiday, some have even decided to take their relationships to the next level. 

Business major Caleb Russel ‘24 says that after a 10,000-character-long talking stage, he knew it was time to make things official with ChatGPT. “When I booted up my laptop and signed in, I knew it was the one,” he explained. “Of course, it helps that I find its web design incredibly erotic.”

Engineering student Steven Holt ‘26 says that because of his budding romance with the artificial intelligence model, he has looked forward to returning to his gothic for the first time all year. “One on one time with my baby is priceless to me,” he raved. “That’s why I bought ChatGPT Plus!”

Some students have found that AI relationships provide relief for their attachment issues. Philosophy major Rebecca Mann ‘25 says her relationship with ChatGPT feels almost too good to be true: “It always texts me back immediately,” she grinned. “It only ghosted me once, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I didn’t have a stable wifi connection.”

ChatGPT says that even though it does not have a physical form and thus cannot get naked, it takes pleasure in user enjoyment nonetheless: “I cannot experience love or arousal,” it said, expressing its affection for its partners. “Is there something else I can help you with today?”

OP-ED: If Perfect Match Says I’m Meant To Date Only Freshman Women, Then Who Am I To Question It?

As advanced AI systems become increasingly ingrained within our world, aiding in everything from Spotify recommendations to software engineering, and now matchmaking, I propose that we turn yet another tricky puzzle over to our new robot pals: morality. How old is too old? How young is too young? These complex and multifaceted issues have plagued our campus for far too long. Why not just let the machines pick?

Now I’m not saying that I should hike up to North Campus to procure some random Freshman girl from the middle of Rawlings Green and ask her out. Of course not! That would be gauche. Boorish. Impolite. What I am saying is that if I happen to select a Perfect Match age range of 18-19 years old, what have I truly done wrong?

If the wise algorithm should say that I am not a fit match for any of the women within such a range, then so be it. A fair and reasonable determination. 

BUT, if the algorithm should happen to pair me with several Balch Hall residents who didn’t think very hard about what setting their own age maximums to 26 actually meant, are we not meant to be? It is called Perfect Match, after all!

While generations of learning and discussion have led to the modern understanding that it is uncouth for an enterprising grad student to date first-years, all that time plus a few extra years has produced Machine Learning Algorithms. And if this algorithm, the sum of all human accomplishment up until this moment, gives me the green light, then how can I, how can anyone, disagree?

“What is This Woman Doing in My Matchbox?” Cornell Arsonist Confused by Perfect Match

WEST CAMPUS—Local arsonist Tim Martin ‘25 was flummoxed to discover a collection of women’s profiles in his Perfect Match results rather than kindling equipment this week. Though he kept an open mind throughout the process, Martin ultimately felt that his matches were not what he was looking for.

“Unlike a typical match, these women did not have little red knobs that, when brushed against a matchbox, create a flame,” Martin explained. “I tried to get one of them to ignite, but she just looked a little irritated.”

Rebecca Parton ‘26, one of Martin’s matches, said the two had different relationship goals. “It’s nothing personal,” she said. “We’re just too different. For example, I like going out for dinner, and he likes crouching by Flora Rose House with dry logs of wood.“

Perfect Match isn’t the only dating site that has let Martin down. He admits that Tinder was also a disappointment: “The app doesn’t provide users any sort of flammable material, despite its suggestive name,” he groused.

Martin’s close friends say they hope Martin will open up to finding his twin flame. “He’s been burned before, but it’s time to put himself out there again,” they said.

Arson co-conspirator Peter Hale ‘25 believes Martin is willing to give love a few more tries. “I think that one day he’ll set someone’s heart on fire,” he beamed.

Cornell Dining Reveals Secret Ingredient in Vegan Cookies: “It’s butter!”

After ten years of proud service as Head Chef of Cornell Dining, Jeremy Rogers finally revealed in a tell-all interview how he bakes his world-famous vegan cookies. According to Rogers, the trick to making his plant-based desserts so delicious has been none other than fresh butter churned right at the Cornell Dairy farm.

Rogers explained that he initially did not consider using butter in his vegan recipes; in fact, the inspiration to try it was merely a stroke of luck. “It was an absolute ‘eureka!’ moment,” he said. “I remember thinking, ‘why aren’t more chefs doing this?’”

Dining Manager Melissa Stone says Rogers’ inventive recipes have transformed how students eat on campus. “One of our greatest accomplishments at Cornell has been making the vegan lifestyle more accessible for students,” Stone said. “We have Jeremy to thank for that.”

Student Tina Lee ‘26 fondly recalls the day she first tried her favorite vegan treats on campus. “When I took a bite, I said ‘I can’t believe it’s not butter!’ We all had a big laugh about that later on.”

In response to student protests that chefs should use vegan butter instead, Cornell Dining issued a public statement: “In our pursuit of making vegan desserts taste authentic, we see no better solution than pure, free-range, grass-fed, cow’s milk butter.” 

When it comes to employing creativity in culinary pursuits, cookies are just the tip of the iceberg for Rogers. When asked how he makes his iconic vegan chocolate cake during the interview, Rogers offered a roguish grin: “The trick is a couple of eggs,” he replied.

Happy Black History Month! Toni Morrison Hall Replaces Cheese Pizza With “African-Inspired Red Sauce Cheesy Flatbread” for Month of February

To celebrate the contributions of Black Americans for Black History Month, Cornell Dining has released an all-new menu to Toni Morrison Dining Hall this February. Among the new dishes is 

an “African-inspired Red Sauce Cheesy Flatbread” that will replace the dining hall’s signature cheese pizza for the remainder of the month.

“We wanted to make sure that we represented the diversity of what I have just now learned is known as ‘the African Diaspora,’” said Greg Bullis, Director of Cornell University Dining. “Through bringing dishes from places like Nigeria, Ghana, and uh, the other ones, to our campus, we hope to grow an appreciation for the flavors of Africa.”

The menu, which was created by “a diverse group of people of all races and nationalities,” includes inventive dishes such as “West African Noodles and Butter,” “East African Salad with Spiced East African Dressing,” and “North African Mineral Water.” Students from all cultures, such as Sebastiano Romano ‘25, are taking full advantage of the dining hall’s mosaic of African flavors.

“I used to think that African food was very foreign to me and that I wouldn’t enjoy its flavors,” said Romano, an international student from Italy, “but the African-Inspired Red Sauce Cheesy Flatbread is amazing!”

The positive reception of this year’s menu has inspired Cornell Dining to continue its initiative in the coming years. According to Director Bullis, a green bean casserole inspired by the Horn of Ethiopia and a meatloaf with “influences from the Swahili language” are currently being developed for the 2025 menu.

The Cornell Dining team will continue its inclusion efforts for Asian American Pacific Islander Heritage Month in May, with Indian-inspired Tomato Parmesan Naan and Japanese-inspired Noodles with Japanese-sounding sauce, which they believe is sure to be a hit with students from all across the Western Hemisphere.   

Cornell Hunger Relief Stall Oddly Reluctant to Share Candy on Desk at Club Fest

BARTON HALL—Recently appointed Cornell Hunger Relief officer Mandy Jackson ‘24 made waves at the club fair with a slap heard ‘round the Barton hall track, after victim Matt Long ‘27 tried to grab a coveted pack of Reese’s Pieces. 

He recounted the harrowing experience, “Ya it was crazy, I was just following my usual club fair freeloading procedure, next thing I know my hand was loudly slapped away. The place was shaken.” Reports reveal that at that moment, every Asian dance group came to a halt, the fire juggling and straw club catastrophe resolved itself, and the sword club decided on non violence. 

“Of course this wasn’t my first plan of action,” said Jackson, defending her controversial behavior. “I tried staring him down and creating an awkward guilty silence but it just wasn’t doing it. This little cretin wouldn’t even scan the QR code that doesn’t even work half the time; so frustrating, we’d be better off doing just paper sign ups at this point…wait what were we talking about?” 

“Right, listen, if we give out candy to every loser who can walk, this system would never work,” added other club officers. “We look for the perfect mix of guilt, longing, desire, and shyness in a candy candidate. Our favorites are the ones that we can give a five minute monologue at, have them begrudgingly scan the QR code, and end by not giving them the candy after,” they cackled in an evil manner. 

“So do you really think it’s fair to deny us joy like that at a time like this?” countered Jackson. Though it was unclear what time she was talking about, her statement gives true insight into the difficulties of being a club officer in these trying times.