“I Want to Savor Every Moment” Says Graduating Senior Who Will Be Blacked Out for Entirety of Senior Week

ITHACA—With less than a week until graduation, the class of 2022 has been feeling sentimental, especiallysenior Michael Cohan who claims to “want to savor every moment” and do so by partying hard enough to be blacked out the entire week.

“These are the last days I’ll have with my best friends,” lamented Cohan. “No more watching the sunset from the roof, no more late nights cramming for an exam, no more midnight 7/11 runs. I don’t want to forget a single second.” Cohan paused and took a large swig of a handle of vodka at his hip, before vomiting his entire lunch onto Linden Ave and collapsing from dehydration. 

Senior week, the week between the end of final exams and graduation, is a time of celebration for graduates and for parties that start during the day and continue throughout the night, accompanied by copious amounts of alcohol. When asked about his senior week plans, Cohan replied that he was “planning to go through a case a day.” 

“Yeah he’s not going to remember anything,” commented Winston Popperfield ‘22, one of Cohan’s housemates. “He stopped drinking water two days ago so that he can save room for more alcohol. It’ll be a miracle if he remembers graduation, or even makes it to graduation. But hey, at least he’ll be having fun.” 

At press time, Cohan had no recollection of this interview.

ILR Seniors Excited to Start Lucrative Union-Busting Careers

IVES HALL–Following four years of social activism, labor history, and education critical of corporate America, graduating seniors in Cornell’s School of Industrial and Labor Relations are itching to drop the act and use that knowledge to destroy unions for large sums of money.

“It’s been four years of hard work, twenty-page essays, and thousands of pages of reading,” announced James Jones ‘22. “My entire undergraduate career was spent building a greater understanding of the socioeconomic forces that have kept the working class down for centuries. It was enlightening, exhausting, and often frustrating. But finally, us seniors can go out into the world and help large corporations fuck over anyone earning less than $120,000 per year.”

During the end-of-year Alpern Awards, school administrators and professors honored students for their achievements in union organizing, social justice, and academia, handing out awards that were immediately slapped on resumes and used to secure positions in Fortune 500 mergers and acquisitions departments.

“Here at the ILR School, we pride ourselves in developing a strong sense of civic duty in our students that they completely ignore in their professional lives,” bragged Dean Alan White ‘85. “The ILR School was designed to be a place where progressive, worker-based ideology gets completely ignored as soon as it conflicts with corporate interests, which is why Cornell ILR is famous for busting its grad student union and the Pepsi-Co Auditorium.”

Responding to allegations that student dining hall workers are excluded from union membership by the school, administrators claimed that because all the students it actually cares about would never take a job at Jansen’s anyways, it doesn’t matter if “student workers” are paid less.

Club Celebrating Seniors With New “Thank God They’re Gone” Speech Tradition

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL–In a refreshing bout of honesty, Cornell’s most exclusively selective premier business club, Cornell Opportunity Consulting, celebrated their graduating class with a new tradition: sharing how thankful all the returning members are to never have to see them again.

“Samantha, if it wasn’t for Cornell Opportunity Consulting I would never have had the misfortune of meeting you,” began COC’s president Benjamin Snee ’23, loading up a pretty deck of slides to provide graphic support for his speech. “I can confidently say I dreaded reading every single text you sent me, like, bitch… you need a therapist, not an e-board position. Thank fucking god you’re gone next year. And, your boyfriend sucks.”

Other speakers at the celebration harkened it as a cathartic exercise in self-care.

“For far too long we’ve been forced to make up fake platitudes for our graduating members, as if they were an important part of our time here at Cornell or something,” said Nicole Truly ‘24 through tears of joy. “Like fuck, what am I supposed to say? That I can’t imagine Cornell without them? I totally can! It’d so much better!”

The event brought unique challenges to the speakers unfamiliar with the social norms of letting their true opinions be heard.

“Before, I was worried because I thought I had nothing negative to say about Kevin. He could give me a rec for a job, you know,” said Nicholas Wilhelm Lee ‘24. “But then he opened his ugly ass mouth, and I remembered this is the dude who derails every goddamn meeting with his ‘humor.’ Good riddance.”

The seniors could be found later complaining that they should have hazed the new members.

Students Hold Candlelight Vigil For Beautiful Asian Women Lost to Relationships With Busted-Looking White Guys

HO PLAZA—In response to recent tragedies surrounding stunning Asian women entering romantic relationships with ugly white men, students are hosting a candlelight vigil for the women lost to these tragic events.

“It’s so heartbreaking to watch as my sisters are stolen from us,” said Jennifer Lin ‘23, holding back tears. “I recently lost my best friend Melissa Nguyen to some Gollum-looking dude named Alec McDonald. One moment everything was fine, and the next she was telling me how beautiful blue eyes are and how cute mixed race babies are. Please Alec if you get this message, stop the madness. Bring our Melissa home.”

The vigil brought out thousands of mourners and supporters from across campus, including those not part of the Asian community.

“I don’t know any of these women personally, I’m just a concerned citizen,” said Jack Brown ‘22. “I was so inspired witnessing the Asian community come together in support of this cause and I figured I come out here to support. Plus there are tons of gorgeous Asian women at this event in need of emotional support, so that definitely works to my advantage.”

As of press time, the next candlelight vigil has been canceled due to reports of more Asian women being swooned into relationships by hideous white guys while at the vigil.

“Park Dirty for Me” Cornell Parking Officers Like It Nasty

STEWART LOT—Following growing resentment against Cornell University’s fleet of parking enforcement officers, the ticketing troop formed Parking Anonymous, a support group to share and work out the unique horrors for those whomst get a little too excited at the sight of a dirty, nasty, unforgivably sexy parking violation.

Phil Jackson, 44, a single man living on the outskirts of Ithaca and Trumansburg shared a harrowing tale of the life in the day of a Cornell parking enforcement officer.

“It was back in October of ’21,” said Jackson, his voice shaking. “I was out late as Apollo had just begun to dip beneath the mountains in the west, a golden blush coloring the sky red. There couldn’t be more than fifteen minutes until five. Normally, I stick to the high volume places where I could usually find the baddies: Stewart, the Hoy Garage, or if I was feeling lucky the Day Hall lot. I’m not a superstitious parking enforcer, but that day I had this feeling.”

“I was walking alongside Barton, when I saw her across the street nestled between two Cornell IT trucks. I was familiar with the place: No parking before 10 pm, and it was barely cracking 4. When I looked at her, she was the shining example of all things good and bad. As pink as a rare steak, inked up with the innocent face of the notorious Kitty White. At once, I knew she didn’t park there often. A car like that with an SC Commuter permit? Impossible.”

“I set after her immediately, mind racing. Up to that point, it had been a quiet week filled with parking-next-door type violations. But this was the type of violation that kept you up thinking about her months later. To be frank, I’d seen this baddie around campus before. She was my white whale, my Moby-Dick, and I was her Captain Ahab–and boy did I intend to penetrate her with my harpoon.”

“I pulled out my phone, already scrolling through my contacts. This pinkette had been a bad, bad girl. Didn’t she know she had parked in a towable area? My hand itched to write a big, fat ticket. $200? $300? Then a slight movement in the car alerted me as the winds of fate shifted. I narrowed my eyes into my best Clint Eastwood impression. Great Barrier Reef! There was still a person in that car! I picked up my pace, my confident victory stroll shifting into an awkward half-walk half-sprint. I was two hundred feet away and she awoke, headlights staring straight into my soul. Faster, I broke out into a full sprint. Alas, when I was just fifty feet away she pulled away, and I stood there as she drove away with my heart. When I see her around campus, all I can think about is how she’s the one who got away.”

The meeting ended soon after with the customary sharing of Pixar Cars 2 fanfiction.

Breaking: The Lord Our God to Require Two-Factor Authentication to Enter the Kingdom of Heaven

PEARLY GATES–Accompanied by a choir of seraphim, the Ruler of the Universe broke over two thousand years of silence to announce that Duo Mobile will now be required to attain eternal paradise.

“For too long, admittance to heaven or hell has depended on arbitrary and outdated criteria, such as inherent goodness, being gay, or doing butt stuff,” announced the Rock of Ages. “In My infinite wisdom I have decided to allow any soul who can pass the ultimate test of goodness: waiting a whole forty fucking seconds for this Me-damn app to load while every single soul in line behind you is wondering what’s taking this asshole so long,” concluded the King of Kings.

While some have praised the move for its novelty and egalitarianism, others find that the Lord is working in ways a little too mysterious.

“At first I thought ‘Hey, what am I doing back in Baker?’ Then I realized I hit the wrong button on Duo Mobile,” said Vinicius de Melo ‘67 from the fiery pits of hell. “I was pissed that one wrong button could condemn me to infinite punishment, but then I thought about all the drugs I did at Slope Day ‘64, and this is probably fair. Plus I got a weeklong CHEM 2090 final coming up, so I have more important things to worry about.”

At press time the Heavenly Father released a second announcement assuring His flock that the developers of Duo Mobile were still going straight to hell.

In New Effort to Manage Long Office Hour Wait Lines, CS 1110 TAs Instructed to Point, Laugh, and Spit at Anyone Asking for Help

RHODES HALL—While humiliation is often par for the course during office hours, CS 1110 has decided to turn that possibility into a guarantee. Due to the overwhelming amount of students waiting in line for somebody to do all of their homework for them, all teaching assistants for the introductory class have been authorized to mock, insult, and spit on every student who dares to walk through their doors.

“This policy is fantastic,” announced class TA Griffin Monroe ’23, cackling like a loon at a freshman stupid enough to ask him what a for loop was. “It’s just like the high school glory days, but now I’m the one shoving nerds into lockers! Take that!”

While Monroe’s enthusiasm for bullying is infectious, some students are less sure about the helpfulness of being noogied for asking a question.

“I, uh, wasn’t thrilled when I saw the Canvas announcement about the policy,” said Polly Nielson ’24, fighting back tears as Monroe verbally lambasted her commenting style for 10 straight minutes. “And I still don’t get what object-oriented means. But you know, asking for help only to feel like garbage afterwards… isn’t that what Cornell is all about, really?”

Any student who has not broken down crying by the end of their session will be sent back to the end of the line, to ensure that they truly understand the point of recursion.

CIS Finally Gets to Second Base

A generous donation from Ann S. Bowers ‘59 has allowed Cornell’s College of Computing and Information Science to embark on an ambitious multi-year project aimed at finally helping its 2,000 students reach second base. 

“As CIS grows in scope and scale, we seek to prioritize the needs of students in our strategic development, which is why we’ve decided to pave over Hoy baseball field just so CS majors attending lectures in the new building can say they got to second base,” said Dean Kavita Rai. “We are aware that getting our computer science students past first base is itself a lofty goal, which is why we are unveiling construction in phases and soliciting unprecedented levels of funding for our biggest project yet,” she added. 

Kevin Miles-Cabet ‘22 laments that for computing seniors, the initiative is too little too late; “For the past four years, I’ve sat by the Gates Hall windows overlooking Hoy Field and watched caked up baseball players get to first, second, and even third base, all while knowing that as long as I was in Cornell computing, I’d never get that same chance. I’m really glad that CIS is pushing out into this new frontier, so that incoming classes of CIS majors can have the chance to get to second base that I never had” he stated. 

“Cornell seeks to be on the cutting edge of its field. We are always looking to be involved in the next big thing, whether that be sentient AI, quantum computing, or getting a CS major to second base” added Professor John Scott. 

Previous CIS partners Bill and Melinda Gates declined to be involved in the project. “Bill Gates isn’t made of money, and we have to selectively allocate our resources. Ending world hunger, halting climate change, and eradicating all disease are what we choose to focus on, simply because we believe those to be more realistic goals in this millennium than bringing a CS major anywhere in sight of third base” stated the Gates Foundation when reached for comment. 

Pick-Me Burglar Steals Nintendo Switch to Prove She’s Not Like Other Burglars, She’s Like a Chill Gamer Burglar

CASCADILLA HALL– Last week, Cornell University Police received word of two reported burglaries from residents of Cornell’s nicest dorm, Cascadilla Hall. Interestingly, both students found that most of their valuables were left untouched, the burglar stealing nothing but a Nintendo Switch console from each room. It’s an intriguing phenomenon since your average burglar would probably go for money, valuable electronics, or expensive clothes. But this burglar, well, she’s just a little bit different. 

In an interview, the Cascadilla burglar— who we will refer to as “Martha Pollack” to maintain anonymity— opened up about her lifelong struggle to relate to other members of the shifty community. “I just don’t fit in with the other robbers, thieves, looters, and common scoundrels,” lamented Pollack. “They’re all in it for the money, the glory, the thrill of the steal. I’m really not like that. I’m just in it to bag a few Nintendo switches to bring back to my room that’s covered wall-to-wall in vintage Nirvana posters.”

To prepare for the robberies, our offbeat rascal reportedly threw on her typical burgling uniform: hair in a messy bun, a comfy thrifted hoodie, beat-up high-top black converse, and a wool ski mask to cover all identifiable facial features. Upon completing the burglaries successfully, she allegedly celebrated by cracking open a few cold beers and crushing some League of Legends with her no-drama group of guy friends. 

CUPD Chief David Honan reported in a press conference that the CUPD is working hard to crack the case and apprehend this eccentric vagabond. “We are determined to ask the important questions and get to the bottom of this mystery,” noted Honan. “Like, what’s her story? Is she lowkey bad? Does she only play Nintendo, or would she be down to come play FIFA with us sometime?”

Following Success of Fake Wedding, SAC to Host Fake Tear-Filled Screaming Match With Fake Child Cowering in Bedroom Wondering if It’s His Fault

DUFFIELD HALL—Following the high attendance and excitement at this past weekend’s Mock Shaadi, a fake wedding ceremony that incorporated elements from various South Asian cultures, the Cornell South Asian Council (SAC) plans on following the natural course of events in a marriage by hosting a mock altercation in which parents yell horrible things at each other within earshot of their terrified child.

The event will take place in Duffield Hall, supposedly so that any household objects thrown in frustration during the simulated feud can dramatically break the building’s large glass windows, drowning out the mock whimpers of a small child who will remember this moment for the rest of his life and forever carry inside of him a small part of imitation guilt and trauma over his parents’ broken relationship.

“Authenticity is really important to us,” said event coordinator Vikas Shah ‘23, speaking of the decision to have the mother call the father a “deadbeat loser who hangs out with his tramp coworkers all day and has no ambition.” “We wanted to create a truly toxic environment for a child to grow up in,” said Shah, gesturing to the 5-year old kid in the corner tasked with rocking back and forth on the floor with his blanket and softly crying, wondering if it’s his fault that mommy and daddy are fighting again.

To add to the festivities, food will be served at the event, including a slightly cold pizza ordered after the fight has died down, eaten in silence at the dinner table until one of the parents awkwardly clears their throat and asks their visibly distraught child how his day at school was.

After the mock screaming bout, the SAC has plans to simulate other key moments in a marriage, like when you fake a pregnancy out of fear that your high school Glee Club director husband will leave you otherwise, or when you find out that your husband is cheating on you with a younger woman, setting off your plot to frame him for your own murder while you flee across the country.