Local Sicko Runs for Campus Villain Position

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Cornell’s tumultuous school election season has mobilized many individuals to take on more active roles in their student government. For twisted, sick-in-the-head Henry Bateman ‘26, this held especially true. 

“I think I’d be the kind of guy to bring massive change to this office,” stated Bateman. “Not a single one of the preceding Campus Villains has been as committed to being a slimy little greaseball as I am. I am fully dedicated to the lifestyle of depravity that this position requires.”

Reluctant acquaintances of Bateman further attest to his adherence to the sicko life, noting that he often spends his spare time blocking democratic process and hurting the less fortunate. Bateman’s roommate, Carl Kennedy ‘26, also detailed the candidate’s habits of carefully licking every fork in the dining hall utensil holders and drinking full glasses of warm milk with a straw while sitting in pitch darkness.

“I’m not going to lie, there are a lot of impressively degenerate candidates running for Villain this year, ” confessed Bateman. “I can stare unblinkingly at the female students through my eyebrows all I want, but at the end of the day, I’m up against guys that have been making all types of people extremely uncomfortable for years. How can I compete with that?”

At press time, Bateman had unfortunately lost the Campus Villain position by five points to a rather ambitious pre-law student. 

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