Relative Lack of Student Assembly Bullshittery Raises Concerns

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—A recent lack of extremely public meltdowns within Cornell’s student government has led many students to wonder what dumb shit they are getting into this semester.

“I don’t know what to think,” admitted John Hawkinson ‘23. “I haven’t heard anything about them this year, and that kind of scares me. Like, did 30 undergraduates desperately vying for fake power suddenly just get their shit together, or  are they secretly trying to abolish the Dyson School as we speak?”

In response to growing anxieties, multiple undergraduates harboring similar beliefs to Hawkinson have formed SA Watch, a committee dedicated to unraveling what is truly going on behind the scenes of this mysterious branch of shared governance. The group has grown exponentially over the past month, and has branched out to following SA members on Instagram, putting polls out on gimmick Instagram accounts, and scouring Cornell’s Reddit. Some members even suggested they actually attend a meeting or read the Sun, but this measure was swiftly voted down.

“I remember so many crises over the last few years,” recalled Jenna Swarthmore ‘22. “Disarmament, BDS, the entirety of last year’s election. It seemed like the SA couldn’t get a single thing done without someone getting cancelled and Ben Shapiro chiming in on Twitter, but now? I mean, I still don’t know what the fuck they’re doing, but at least I haven’t heard anything about it.”

When asked, SA Watch confirmed that no member of their group had voted in the last elections, and that none intended to vote this year either.


SA Presidential Candidates at Debate Caught off Guard by Question on Afghanistan Withdrawal

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—The candidates for Cornell Student Assembly President were confused at this past week’s debate when they received a question from the moderators on whether they approved or disapproved of the American military’s withdrawal from Afghanistan.

“By withdrawal, you mean like, from their bank account?” Tyler Devins ‘22 responded, with a look of utter bewilderment. When the moderators clarified that this meant the military forces were returning to America, Devins asked, “Well why were they there? For Spring Break or something?”

Some candidates offered no opinion on the subject. Rex Talbot ‘22, whose Zoom background appeared to be a picture of Ronald Reagan, said only, “I’m a simple man, and I don’t know much about foreign policy. But I do know America is the greatest nation on Earth.” Contrasting this, candidate Patrick Warren ‘22 provided a strong stance.

“If elected President, I would reverse this decision immediately,” said Warren, adding, “Cornellians need to be employed somehow. We need to maintain the military occupation in Afghanistan so that Cornell graduates can get good-paying jobs in respectable industries like munitions manufacturing.”

For those tuning in to the SA presidential debate, the Zoom call was filled with similarly well-informed takes about the issues most relevant to college students—foreign policy and political conflict.

At the end of the debate, when asked to point out Afghanistan on a map, no candidate could correctly do so.

Student Assembly Shuts Off All Campus Power In Solidarity With Texas

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—After witnessing devastating weather-induced power outages in Texas, the Cornell Student Assembly has decisively and unanimously passed a resolution to flip the Cornell master circuit breaker to the off position.

“Here at the Student Assembly, we’re all about making a splash on the big stage,” said Assembly President Elric Choi ‘22. “If there’s a way we can use this crisis to make people more aware of our school’s virtuosic nature, we’re going to move swiftly.”

After the emergency assembly session on Monday, the power was immediately killed. “We wanted to call President Pollack to ask if it was ok, but she didn’t pick up and I’d already let it ring twice. We had to hang up and rush over to Uris Library basement and flip the master switch as quickly as possible,” added VP of Finance Angela Wheaton ‘21.

At roughly 2:45 PM on Monday, buildings across campus went dark, ruining in person classes and allowing the powerful Ithaca drafts to render libraries “a little chilly.”

“Why would they do that? It’s fucking stupid. It doesn’t help anyone. I had just put the finishing touches on a paper that was due at three, and was about to hit submit when the Wi-fi went out at Mann. I’m getting so sick of these S.A. people. Weren’t we supposed to get free Netflix at some point?” said Harry Wayne ‘21.

The power was not restored until 11:00 AM, when Pollack finally responded to University Vice President Ryan Lombardi’s email in which he asked for the code to unlock the electric switchboard because he had forgotten it. “It’s 3ZRA1865. Sorry I took so long to respond. Had to get away to Cancun for the week. Needed time off from dealing with those kids. There’s only so many different ways to say ‘no,”’ responded Pollack.


The Votes Are In: Student Assembly Thinks Timberlands Are The Tastiest Boots To Lick

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—After a long and contentious debate period, a majority of Cornell’s governing student body voted that out of all footwear options, the tastiest by far are Timberlands.

The discussion prior to the vote was marred by infighting and irregular procedure. Students wondered whether the Timberlands in question were the generic tan color and if they ought to consider the standard or fleece-lined model. COVID-19 restrictions sadly made the test-licking pair of Timberlands procured by the Student Assembly inaccessible to the majority of voters, although a few stopped by the boots’ top-secret on-campus location to “give them a big old sniff.”

While decisions on the deliciousness-factor of steel-toed work boots are normally scored on a rubric of salt, fat, acid, and heat, the Student Assembly opted to renounce this system. Instead, the S.A. debated how they believed the boot might taste, based on their understanding of other Twitter users’ professed boot palettes. An attempt to bring Cornell’s foremost boot-licking expert onto the call to answer questions was described as “literal violence” by an anonymous S.A. member.

This attention-grabbing issue has drawn to the forefront of campus discussions the importance of S.A. reform and the issues of effective representation, but somehow has not made anybody notice this happens every goddamn year.

SA Elections Rocked by Controversy in Transparent Attempt to Emulate Real-Life Democracy

Photo credit: Annie Wang/Sun File Photo via Cornell Daily Sun
Photo credit: Annie Wang/Sun File Photo via Cornell Daily Sun

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—While some attribute the mismanaged Student Assembly election and subsequent re-vote to sheer ineptitude, many critics have identified the undergraduate governing body’s utter ballot-bungling as an attempt to replicate the workings of real-life democracy.

In a nine-paragraph essay published to the Cornell Subreddit, election-truther George Blast ‘21 levied pointed accusations against the Assembly. “The sheeps in the student body are accepting the cover story being fed down their throats…as if Ivy League students running an identically formatted election on the same software every year for the last half dozen years could botch the rank-choice voting system.” This must be deliberate, he posited.

“It’s clear as day,” said Dayana Poe ‘22, a government major active in CPU, the school’s foremost bastion of sophisticated political thought, “that the SA felt they lost credibility due to the Trevor Davis joke candidacy of 2019, and now they’re attempting to establish their real-world democratic acumen by handling Cornell’s election with competence on par with that of countries such as the United States, Bolivia, and Russia.”

“It’s genius, if you really think about it,” Blast further contended. “Just think of the Iowa primaries.  Those really made you think – ‘wow, that’s real governance at work.’ Look at how Congress went the extra-mile and provided every state with the freedom to raise their own money to secure their elections. How thoughtful! The Student Assembly is trying to say to us – this is the real world, and we’re gonna be as dysfunctional as any governing body with actual power.”

Ryan Hanahan ‘22, a self-proclaimed election analyst who recently completed a summer WebDev internship at FiveThirtyEight, predicts that the SA will continue its ruse by delaying the release of the election results, cementing its status as a organization up to date with and equipped to carry out all the latest injuries to popular sovereignty. 

Cornell Suspends SAT/ACT Requirements for Students Who Want to Apply Without Getting In

410 THURSTON AVENUE—Citing cancellations resulting from the coronavirus pandemic, the Cornell Undergraduate Admissions Office assured applicants to the class of 2025 that they need not worry about standardized testing requirements, so long as they don’t mind getting rejected.

“We understand that, because of Covid-19, future rejected applicants are unable to take or retake the SAT or ACT, so we’ve suspended the testing requirements,” said Shawn Felton, Director of Undergraduate Admissions. “We don’t want students to fret over this unavoidable situation. As long as you don’t care about being accepted, feel free to apply without any test scores!”

“A significant number of school districts administer free school-wide standardized testing that can no longer take place,” said Sarah Ash, regional Admissions Counselor for Midwest applicants. “Though Cornell has little need for students from families too poor to spend hundreds of dollars on private exams, we encourage them to apply anyway.”

Ash emphasized to potential applicants that “a lack of SAT/ACT scores should not bar any student from applying,” noting, however, that any student who didn’t begin preparing and taking tests a full year before beginning the application process “probably didn’t deserve to be accepted into our Ivy League university.”

“Remember, Ezra Cornell created Cornell to be a place where any student could pursue any study, assuming that person scored at least a 32 on the ACT and cleared a 720 on all their SAT subject tests,” Felton added. “We believe that US News and World Report will find it important that we stick to this core tenet.”

Though Felton characterized the admissions chances of applicants who choose to take this option as “slim to none,” he still sees a path to acceptance for students with “truly exceptional trust funds and intergenerational wealth. At the end of the day,” he concluded, “Cornell needs bright young students who are excited to reinvigorate our campus with new sports stadiums and well-furnished residence halls, and we are committed to making that vision a reality.”

Campus Excited For Student Assembly To Become Irrelevant Again

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Yesterday’s announcement that Varun Devatha ‘19 will be the next Student Assembly president brought a tumultuous election cycle to an end, leaving students eager to return to the days of ignoring all news related to the Student Assembly.

“First there was the whole Cornell Cinema debacle, and now this convoluted presidential election fiasco that started over a meme or something? I can’t keep up,” said Karin Mulpin ‘19. “Before this year, I thought all these people did was talk about 2-ply toilet paper.”

Many students expressed confusion over the puzzling bylaws and multiple stakeholders involved in confirming the election of a body that typically has a negligible effect on student life.

“I miss the good old days when I didn’t know the name of a single SA member, and I’m excited to go back to that,” said Blake Ringer ‘20. “The most interaction I ever had with the Student Assembly was taking a candidate’s quarter card that I promptly threw in the nearest garbage can.”

Despite the controversy surrounding his upcoming term of office, Devatha plans on using the increased media attention to push forward his campaign promises of free pornography and zero tuition for students.

Candidate Interrupts Couple’s Breakup to Ask for SA Election Vote

LIBE CAFE— Desperate to reach more voters last-minute to clinch the SA Election this semester, Larold McLandham ’21 cheerfully approached a couple breaking up over coffee at Libe.

“Hi, how are you folks doing today?” The oblivious candidate chirped, beaming his most charming smile on the future ex-couple’s distraught faces. “Would you two like to hear all of the reasons you should be supporting me for Student Assembly this year?”

McLandham felt that something was off when the pale-faced juniors stared at him silently in tears, but he figured not everyone was going to support him right away and prepared to turn on some extra mojo to reel in the two votes.

“Look, you won’t regret it,” the slightly clammy college politician continued with forced confidence. “I’m going to make sure we all get free Pornhub subscriptions and all chalk drawings are laminated with saran wrap so the rain doesn’t wash them away. It’s about time—are you with me?!”

The couple hastily muttered a “yeah sure, man” under their breaths while gathering their things to leave, officially breaking up but at least two votes closer to getting free Pornhub subscriptions.

SA Election Frontrunner Prepared to Accomplish Absolutely Nothing

ITHACA, NY — In a statement released this morning, a frontrunner in the Undergraduate Student Assembly’s Fall 2017 Election has declared that they are eager to accomplish absolutely nothing during their time in the position.

“I’m just so grateful that the community wants me to take on this exciting, debatably-influential role,” stated the freshman. “I look forward to using the abundant resources and tuition dollars at my disposal to ensure that I make, at most, a very small difference, but probably not even that.”

When asked what inspired their interest in student government, the ambitious student cited their love of ineffective representational systems as their main influence.

“I just love putting a lot of time and effort into something and coming up with absolutely nothing in return. I’m so lucky to be able to practice the skill of getting nothing done as a legislator before I run for office after college.”

When asked about their plan to address on-campus racism, the SA member-to-be commended those fighting for systemic change, adding that they can’t wait to see what they do.

SA Candidate Takes Middle Urinal to Maximize Exposure to Voters

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL —In an effort to form as many meaningful relationships with his peers as possible, Xavier Thomas ‘19, who is running for Student Assembly Executive Undergraduate Vice Representative At-Large, unzipped his trousers and took the middle urinal in an effort to maximize voter exposure.

“Hey man, what are your thoughts on healthcare quality at Gannett? As your SA representative, I understand you might be frustrated by the flaws in our current system,” Thomas said to the guy peeing to his right, edging closer and leaning in slightly in an attempt to appear more charismatic. The self-proclaimed politically-savvy candidate then introduced himself, his campaign pitch, and a summary of his positions while taking his sweet time relieving himself, attempting to make eye contact.

“There were four other urinals he could have chosen, but he chose the one right next to mine!”, said a pleasantly surprised Jason Birchman ‘20. “This shows he really cares.”

To really reel Birchman in, Thomas slipped him a quartercard with a charming wink before confidently leaving his potential voter to wash his hands in peace.