Tag Archives: Student Assembly

SA Presidential Candidates at Debate Caught off Guard by Question on Afghanistan Withdrawal

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—The candidates for Cornell Student Assembly President were confused at this past week’s debate when they received a question from the moderators on whether they approved or disapproved of the American military’s withdrawal from Afghanistan. “By withdrawal, you mean like, from their bank account?” Tyler Devins ‘22 responded, Read More

Student Assembly Shuts Off All Campus Power In Solidarity With Texas

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—After witnessing devastating weather-induced power outages in Texas, the Cornell Student Assembly has decisively and unanimously passed a resolution to flip the Cornell master circuit breaker to the off position. “Here at the Student Assembly, we’re all about making a splash on the big stage,” said Assembly President Read More

The Votes Are In: Student Assembly Thinks Timberlands Are The Tastiest Boots To Lick

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—After a long and contentious debate period, a majority of Cornell’s governing student body voted that out of all footwear options, the tastiest by far are Timberlands. The discussion prior to the vote was marred by infighting and irregular procedure. Students wondered whether the Timberlands in question were Read More

SA Elections Rocked by Controversy in Transparent Attempt to Emulate Real-Life Democracy

Photo credit: Annie Wang/Sun File Photo via Cornell Daily Sun
Photo credit: Annie Wang/Sun File Photo via Cornell Daily Sun

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—While some attribute the mismanaged Student Assembly election and subsequent re-vote to sheer ineptitude, many critics have identified the undergraduate governing body’s utter ballot-bungling as an attempt to replicate the workings of real-life democracy. In a nine-paragraph essay published to the Cornell Subreddit, election-truther George Blast ‘21 levied Read More

Cornell Suspends SAT/ACT Requirements for Students Who Want to Apply Without Getting In

410 THURSTON AVENUE—Citing cancellations resulting from the coronavirus pandemic, the Cornell Undergraduate Admissions Office assured applicants to the class of 2025 that they need not worry about standardized testing requirements, so long as they don’t mind getting rejected. “We understand that, because of Covid-19, future rejected applicants are unable to Read More

Campus Excited For Student Assembly To Become Irrelevant Again

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Yesterday’s announcement that Varun Devatha ‘19 will be the next Student Assembly president brought a tumultuous election cycle to an end, leaving students eager to return to the days of ignoring all news related to the Student Assembly. “First there was the whole Cornell Cinema debacle, and now Read More

Candidate Interrupts Couple’s Breakup to Ask for SA Election Vote

LIBE CAFE— Desperate to reach more voters last-minute to clinch the SA Election this semester, Larold McLandham ’21 cheerfully approached a couple breaking up over coffee at Libe. “Hi, how are you folks doing today?” The oblivious candidate chirped, beaming his most charming smile on the future ex-couple’s distraught faces. Read More

SA Election Frontrunner Prepared to Accomplish Absolutely Nothing

ITHACA, NY — In a statement released this morning, a frontrunner in the Undergraduate Student Assembly’s Fall 2017 Election has declared that they are eager to accomplish absolutely nothing during their time in the position. “I’m just so grateful that the community wants me to take on this exciting, debatably-influential Read More

SA Candidate Takes Middle Urinal to Maximize Exposure to Voters

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL —In an effort to form as many meaningful relationships with his peers as possible, Xavier Thomas ‘19, who is running for Student Assembly Executive Undergraduate Vice Representative At-Large, unzipped his trousers and took the middle urinal in an effort to maximize voter exposure. “Hey man, what are Read More

OP-ED: I Voted ‘No’ to Free Tampons Because the Only Basic Right That Women Need Is Free Popcorn

Today, voting closed on Student Assembly Referendum 30, which would allow free tampons and pads in campus bathrooms. Despite undeniable support from the female population at Cornell, I decided to vote no. With tuition rising by the day, it’s not Cornell’s job to give free handouts to it’s students, unless Read More