- Bring Back Soda in the Dining Hall Fountains
- Though this idea presents a logistical nightmare buried under a mountain of contractual obligations that are as intractable as they are unintelligible, one smooth talking sophomore ILRie is sure to get the job done.
- Reopen Ho Plaza NOW
- This candidate promises to speed up the notoriously swift and effective process of public construction using their street smarts and “know-how.”
- Pet Dogs in All the Dorms
- Who will walk them? Some other guy!
- Tar and Feather All Members of the Gen-Chem Teaching Staff
- This one seems kinda personal.
- All campus laundry machines will take monopoly money
- This poor guy doesn’t understand how money works and that’s ok!
- Pizza Party Friday
- What does this mean?
- Each Individual Cornellian Gets a Homemade Cupcake from Me, the Optimal Candidate
- More than prepared to make at least a hundred cupcakes. There’s no way we have more students than that right?
- Abolish homework
- Self explanatory.
- Ski Lift on the Slope
- It’ll work if everyone waits their turn!
- Casual Fridays!
- Wait, does this guy think we have a dress code? Is that why he wears suits to class?
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In the midst of a Student Assembly election that could be inaccurately described as “heated,” candidates have struggled to garner support from an indifferent student body. While some have made attempts to share their ideas about new resolutions and policies, the best and brightest among them have simply slapped a picture of their face and name next to the words “Vote For Me.”
“It’s not a decision I take lightly,” said Kal Cunnings ‘27 on his polarizing choice between the two candidates for the “Dyson School Of Business Representative” position. “It’s obvious that Sean Rawlings is like, a chill guy, but the framing on Chloe Wren’s headshot follows the rule of thirds in a way that really speaks to me. Sean has a thumbs up in his picture, so I know that he cares about me, but Chloe bordered her photo with a very pleasant seafoam blue color, which lets me know that she’ll be a cool head in times of crisis.”
Candidate Rawlings’ controversial use of the Google Drive Pacifico font has also been a source of much discussion amongst University policy-wonks. Supporters of the candidate claim that the atypical typeface demonstrates his out-of-the box thinking and the new-school politics he hopes to enact. The three other students who care argue that Rawling’s lack of professionalism should outright disqualify him from office. Comforted by Wren’s use of the Helvetica font, her supporters state that a “return to normalcy” is required now more than ever.
“I just want people to know what’s important, and that’s voting for me,” said Candidate Rawling’s ‘26, striking his famous toothy grin. “At first I was just gonna put my name in big letters, but then I realized that people might not want to read all the little text with our names on the voting form,” explained Rawlings, accurately predicting the level of zeal that most students possess for SA elections.
Despite their many differences, both candidates have demonstrated their ability to overcome adversity in the face of impossible odds through their successful usage of the CU Print system.
Editor’s Note: None of the candidates for “College of Human Ecology Representative” were able to be reached for comment, as there aren’t any.
THE CORNELL CLUB OF NEW YORK— Following the Student Assembly’s decision to storm the National Archives and scribble smiley faces all over the Bill of Rights, alumni have begun to lament the death of the Cornell they once knew.
“Ah, how I miss the good old days!” exclaimed Charles Olin ‘58 as he paused his Fox News broadcast. “Now everyone’s so sensitive. First, they forged 17 more amendments, then they slandered Christopher Columbus, and now they’re questioning our Jefferson-given right to free speech? This is 1920 all over again.”
There was a time in which Cornell alumni-then known as the “Big Red Good Old Boys”-had pride in their university. Now, they have grown weary of the current direction of their alma mater, feeling a generational disconnect between them and Cornell’s current student body. Things have changed since 1964, and for those alive prior to Title IX, 2023 can be overwhelming with an additional 50% of the population attaining literacy.
“Back in my day, we didn’t worry about whose feelings were hurt. We could all unite under the shared color of our skin,” Ronald Uris ‘64 reminisced. “Peach, olive, slightly tanned, it didn’t matter who you were because we all bled the same Big Red blood.”
What constitutes free speech is an ever changing idea in the United States and Cornell University is not exempt from that fact. Alumni like Gene Warren ‘62 have watched that evolution play out.
“My favorite word in undergrad was [redacted]. Now, the Student Assembly wants to violate the free speech of Cornellians everywhere by insisting that we instead refer to them as ‘people,’” said Warren.
Although free speech is a highly polarized issue, it is important to remember that both sides are equally valid in their opinions.
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—A recent lack of extremely public meltdowns within Cornell’s student government has led many students to wonder what dumb shit they are getting into this semester.
“I don’t know what to think,” admitted John Hawkinson ‘23. “I haven’t heard anything about them this year, and that kind of scares me. Like, did 30 undergraduates desperately vying for fake power suddenly just get their shit together, or are they secretly trying to abolish the Dyson School as we speak?”
In response to growing anxieties, multiple undergraduates harboring similar beliefs to Hawkinson have formed SA Watch, a committee dedicated to unraveling what is truly going on behind the scenes of this mysterious branch of shared governance. The group has grown exponentially over the past month, and has branched out to following SA members on Instagram, putting polls out on gimmick Instagram accounts, and scouring Cornell’s Reddit. Some members even suggested they actually attend a meeting or read the Sun, but this measure was swiftly voted down.
“I remember so many crises over the last few years,” recalled Jenna Swarthmore ‘22. “Disarmament, BDS, the entirety of last year’s election. It seemed like the SA couldn’t get a single thing done without someone getting cancelled and Ben Shapiro chiming in on Twitter, but now? I mean, I still don’t know what the fuck they’re doing, but at least I haven’t heard anything about it.”
When asked, SA Watch confirmed that no member of their group had voted in the last elections, and that none intended to vote this year either.
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—The candidates for Cornell Student Assembly President were confused at this past week’s debate when they received a question from the moderators on whether they approved or disapproved of the American military’s withdrawal from Afghanistan.
“By withdrawal, you mean like, from their bank account?” Tyler Devins ‘22 responded, with a look of utter bewilderment. When the moderators clarified that this meant the military forces were returning to America, Devins asked, “Well why were they there? For Spring Break or something?”
Some candidates offered no opinion on the subject. Rex Talbot ‘22, whose Zoom background appeared to be a picture of Ronald Reagan, said only, “I’m a simple man, and I don’t know much about foreign policy. But I do know America is the greatest nation on Earth.” Contrasting this, candidate Patrick Warren ‘22 provided a strong stance.
“If elected President, I would reverse this decision immediately,” said Warren, adding, “Cornellians need to be employed somehow. We need to maintain the military occupation in Afghanistan so that Cornell graduates can get good-paying jobs in respectable industries like munitions manufacturing.”
For those tuning in to the SA presidential debate, the Zoom call was filled with similarly well-informed takes about the issues most relevant to college students—foreign policy and political conflict.
At the end of the debate, when asked to point out Afghanistan on a map, no candidate could correctly do so.
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—After witnessing devastating weather-induced power outages in Texas, the Cornell Student Assembly has decisively and unanimously passed a resolution to flip the Cornell master circuit breaker to the off position.
“Here at the Student Assembly, we’re all about making a splash on the big stage,” said Assembly President Elric Choi ‘22. “If there’s a way we can use this crisis to make people more aware of our school’s virtuosic nature, we’re going to move swiftly.”
After the emergency assembly session on Monday, the power was immediately killed. “We wanted to call President Pollack to ask if it was ok, but she didn’t pick up and I’d already let it ring twice. We had to hang up and rush over to Uris Library basement and flip the master switch as quickly as possible,” added VP of Finance Angela Wheaton ‘21.
At roughly 2:45 PM on Monday, buildings across campus went dark, ruining in person classes and allowing the powerful Ithaca drafts to render libraries “a little chilly.”
“Why would they do that? It’s fucking stupid. It doesn’t help anyone. I had just put the finishing touches on a paper that was due at three, and was about to hit submit when the Wi-fi went out at Mann. I’m getting so sick of these S.A. people. Weren’t we supposed to get free Netflix at some point?” said Harry Wayne ‘21.
The power was not restored until 11:00 AM, when Pollack finally responded to University Vice President Ryan Lombardi’s email in which he asked for the code to unlock the electric switchboard because he had forgotten it. “It’s 3ZRA1865. Sorry I took so long to respond. Had to get away to Cancun for the week. Needed time off from dealing with those kids. There’s only so many different ways to say ‘no,”’ responded Pollack.
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—After a long and contentious debate period, a majority of Cornell’s governing student body voted that out of all footwear options, the tastiest by far are Timberlands.
The discussion prior to the vote was marred by infighting and irregular procedure. Students wondered whether the Timberlands in question were the generic tan color and if they ought to consider the standard or fleece-lined model. COVID-19 restrictions sadly made the test-licking pair of Timberlands procured by the Student Assembly inaccessible to the majority of voters, although a few stopped by the boots’ top-secret on-campus location to “give them a big old sniff.”
While decisions on the deliciousness-factor of steel-toed work boots are normally scored on a rubric of salt, fat, acid, and heat, the Student Assembly opted to renounce this system. Instead, the S.A. debated how they believed the boot might taste, based on their understanding of other Twitter users’ professed boot palettes. An attempt to bring Cornell’s foremost boot-licking expert onto the call to answer questions was described as “literal violence” by an anonymous S.A. member.
This attention-grabbing issue has drawn to the forefront of campus discussions the importance of S.A. reform and the issues of effective representation, but somehow has not made anybody notice this happens every goddamn year.
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—While some attribute the mismanaged Student Assembly election and subsequent re-vote to sheer ineptitude, many critics have identified the undergraduate governing body’s utter ballot-bungling as an attempt to replicate the workings of real-life democracy.
In a nine-paragraph essay published to the Cornell Subreddit, election-truther George Blast ‘21 levied pointed accusations against the Assembly. “The sheeps in the student body are accepting the cover story being fed down their throats…as if Ivy League students running an identically formatted election on the same software every year for the last half dozen years could botch the rank-choice voting system.” This must be deliberate, he posited.
“It’s clear as day,” said Dayana Poe ‘22, a government major active in CPU, the school’s foremost bastion of sophisticated political thought, “that the SA felt they lost credibility due to the Trevor Davis joke candidacy of 2019, and now they’re attempting to establish their real-world democratic acumen by handling Cornell’s election with competence on par with that of countries such as the United States, Bolivia, and Russia.”
“It’s genius, if you really think about it,” Blast further contended. “Just think of the Iowa primaries. Those really made you think – ‘wow, that’s real governance at work.’ Look at how Congress went the extra-mile and provided every state with the freedom to raise their own money to secure their elections. How thoughtful! The Student Assembly is trying to say to us – this is the real world, and we’re gonna be as dysfunctional as any governing body with actual power.”
Ryan Hanahan ‘22, a self-proclaimed election analyst who recently completed a summer WebDev internship at FiveThirtyEight, predicts that the SA will continue its ruse by delaying the release of the election results, cementing its status as a organization up to date with and equipped to carry out all the latest injuries to popular sovereignty.
410 THURSTON AVENUE—Citing cancellations resulting from the coronavirus pandemic, the Cornell Undergraduate Admissions Office assured applicants to the class of 2025 that they need not worry about standardized testing requirements, so long as they don’t mind getting rejected.
“We understand that, because of Covid-19, future rejected applicants are unable to take or retake the SAT or ACT, so we’ve suspended the testing requirements,” said Shawn Felton, Director of Undergraduate Admissions. “We don’t want students to fret over this unavoidable situation. As long as you don’t care about being accepted, feel free to apply without any test scores!”
“A significant number of school districts administer free school-wide standardized testing that can no longer take place,” said Sarah Ash, regional Admissions Counselor for Midwest applicants. “Though Cornell has little need for students from families too poor to spend hundreds of dollars on private exams, we encourage them to apply anyway.”
Ash emphasized to potential applicants that “a lack of SAT/ACT scores should not bar any student from applying,” noting, however, that any student who didn’t begin preparing and taking tests a full year before beginning the application process “probably didn’t deserve to be accepted into our Ivy League university.”
“Remember, Ezra Cornell created Cornell to be a place where any student could pursue any study, assuming that person scored at least a 32 on the ACT and cleared a 720 on all their SAT subject tests,” Felton added. “We believe that US News and World Report will find it important that we stick to this core tenet.”
Though Felton characterized the admissions chances of applicants who choose to take this option as “slim to none,” he still sees a path to acceptance for students with “truly exceptional trust funds and intergenerational wealth. At the end of the day,” he concluded, “Cornell needs bright young students who are excited to reinvigorate our campus with new sports stadiums and well-furnished residence halls, and we are committed to making that vision a reality.”
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Yesterday’s announcement that Varun Devatha ‘19 will be the next Student Assembly president brought a tumultuous election cycle to an end, leaving students eager to return to the days of ignoring all news related to the Student Assembly.
“First there was the whole Cornell Cinema debacle, and now this convoluted presidential election fiasco that started over a meme or something? I can’t keep up,” said Karin Mulpin ‘19. “Before this year, I thought all these people did was talk about 2-ply toilet paper.”
Many students expressed confusion over the puzzling bylaws and multiple stakeholders involved in confirming the election of a body that typically has a negligible effect on student life.
“I miss the good old days when I didn’t know the name of a single SA member, and I’m excited to go back to that,” said Blake Ringer ‘20. “The most interaction I ever had with the Student Assembly was taking a candidate’s quarter card that I promptly threw in the nearest garbage can.”
Despite the controversy surrounding his upcoming term of office, Devatha plans on using the increased media attention to push forward his campaign promises of free pornography and zero tuition for students.