Tag Archives: Student Assembly

SA Candidate Takes Middle Urinal to Maximize Exposure to Voters

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL —In an effort to form as many meaningful relationships with his peers as possible, Xavier Thomas ‘19, who is running for Student Assembly Executive Undergraduate Vice Representative At-Large, unzipped his trousers and took the middle urinal in an effort to maximize voter exposure. “Hey man, what are Read More

OP-ED: I Voted ‘No’ to Free Tampons Because the Only Basic Right That Women Need Is Free Popcorn

Today, voting closed on Student Assembly Referendum 30, which would allow free tampons and pads in campus bathrooms. Despite undeniable support from the female population at Cornell, I decided to vote no. With tuition rising by the day, it’s not Cornell’s job to give free handouts to it’s students, unless Read More

Cornell Dairy Cows to Get Representative on Student Assembly

WILLARD STRAIGHT — In response to mounting calls for increased diversity on the Student Assembly, an open forum was hosted Wednesday to address the SA’s lack of bovine members from the Cornell Dairy. “I think it’s important that we have this discussion,” said At-Large Representative Jimmy Anderson ‘17, “The dairy Read More

Ben Carson Mysteriously Appears on Student Assembly Ballot

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL — After dropping out of the race for the Republican nomination, retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson inexplicably showed up on the Cornell Student Assembly ballot earlier today. “When I logged on to vote, I saw Ben Carson’s shining face staring at me,” said Alex Li ‘19. “I refreshed Read More

Candidate Profiles for the Student Assembly Election

  Freshmen Candidates: Dale Barbaria — Barbaria’s high school yearbook awarded this engineering student from New Rochelle the title “Most Likely To Be A Student Assembly Representative At Cornell University”   Nelson Billington — From Washington D.C., Billington promises that, if elected Freshman Representative, he will use his new position Read More

Students Can’t Wait To Learn What Fee University Imposes This Year

DAY HALL – Helplessly buzzing with anticipation over their next tuition supplement, returning students are on the edge of their seats to find out what fee Cornell will charge them this year. “Personally, my bet’s with something clothing related, like a Hat Fee,” speculated Senior Gavin Treyhoust, who went on Read More

SA President Busy Rehearsing Speech for Trustees to Ignore

STATLER HALL — According to insider information, SA President Sarah Balik is diligently rehearsing her speech which the Board of Trustees will almost immediately ignore. Initial reports indicate that Balik had spent a minimum of seven hours meticulously poring over her speech so that it is as clear, concise, and Read More