Free Ice Cream, All Day Recess and 10 Other Totally Legitimate Campaign Promises From Your Favorite SA Candidate

  1. Bring Back Soda in the Dining Hall Fountains
    • Though this idea presents a logistical nightmare buried under a mountain of contractual obligations that are as intractable as they are unintelligible, one smooth talking sophomore ILRie is sure to get the job done.
  2. Reopen Ho Plaza NOW
    • This candidate promises to speed up the notoriously swift and effective process of public construction using their street smarts and “know-how.”
  3. Pet Dogs in All the Dorms
    • Who will walk them? Some other guy!
  4. Tar and Feather All Members of the Gen-Chem Teaching Staff
    • This one seems kinda personal.
  5. All campus laundry machines will take monopoly money
    • This poor guy doesn’t understand how money works and that’s ok!
  6. Pizza Party Friday
    • What does this mean?
  7. Each Individual Cornellian Gets a Homemade Cupcake from Me, the Optimal Candidate
    • More than prepared to make at least a hundred cupcakes. There’s no way we have more students than that right?
  8. Abolish homework
    • Self explanatory.
  9. Ski Lift on the Slope
    • It’ll work if everyone waits their turn!
  10. Casual Fridays!
    • Wait, does this guy think we have a dress code? Is that why he wears suits to class?

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