Though this idea presents a logistical nightmare buried under a mountain of contractual obligations that are as intractable as they are unintelligible, one smooth talking sophomore ILRie is sure to get the job done.
Reopen Ho Plaza NOW
This candidate promises to speed up the notoriously swift and effective process of public construction using their street smarts and “know-how.”
Pet Dogs in All the Dorms
Who will walk them? Some other guy!
Tar and Feather All Members of the Gen-Chem Teaching Staff
This one seems kinda personal.
All campus laundry machines will take monopoly money
This poor guy doesn’t understand how money works and that’s ok!
Pizza Party Friday
What does this mean?
Each Individual Cornellian Gets a Homemade Cupcake from Me, the Optimal Candidate
More than prepared to make at least a hundred cupcakes. There’s no way we have more students than that right?
Abolish homework
Self explanatory.
Ski Lift on the Slope
It’ll work if everyone waits their turn!
Casual Fridays!
Wait, does this guy think we have a dress code? Is that why he wears suits to class?
“GET ON THE GROUND AND BEG LIKE THE DOG YOU ARE!” Most Merciful Chem Professor Grants Extra Credit Opportunity
Local Sicko Runs for Campus Villain Position
OpaVote? Hell Yeah, I Love Gangnam Style!
No One’s Buying It, Dumbass! Idiot Supersenior Claims He’ll Still Be On Campus Next Year Because He’s Getting A “Masters Degree”
