TONI MORRISON HALL—Despite the ongoing Friday night festivities, Freshmen Jackson Avery ’27 and Annabelle Warner ’27 remained locked in a stand-off. Avery, a private in the small militia known as Cornell ROTC, broke the post hookup haze by demanding that Warner’s room be the quarters where he and his musket lay to rest that night.
“I said, listen here, civilian. I shall not-no-I WILL not return to my Jameson triple to retire this evening” explained Avery while standing at attention for no apparent reason. “Instead we will spend the remainder of the night uncomfortably sharing a twin bed in your glorious Morrison single. I am a future US soldier, and you will treat me with the respect and dignity of such. In return I will treat you like a middle eastern country that is rich in oil.”
Much like in any battle, Avery’s optimism in victory was short lived as the consequences to his actions were laid bare. “Pardon me, soldier, but as a future senator or lawyer or whatever I know my government ordained rights. Under amendment three of the Bill of Rights it is well within my rights to deny a soldier who wishes to impose on me and stay in my home. With that, sir I bid you ado and goodnight,” announced a triumphant Warner as she pushed a shell shocked Avery right out the door.
Warner declared that this ordeal has taught her one very important lesson; “It’s a really good thing that banishing soldiers from your house is so high up on the Bill of Rights. It’s clearly way more important than any of those useless amendments like the right to impartial jury or protection from cruel and unusual punishment.”
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