Fuck! New “Friend” With Same Name As You Is Here To Stay

COLLEGETOWN—Over the course of four years at a university, many students must eventually confront the terrifying reality that they’ll make a “friend” with their same name that sticks around. Such panic set in for Kate McCarthy ‘25 after being introduced to a friend of a friend at Collegetown Bagels. 

“I played it cool at first,” said McCarthy, after meeting her so-called “evil twin”. “I offered the polite ‘No way! How do you spell it?’, which normally does the trick. But once I heard her go ‘It’s actually kind of unique!…’ I knew I was fucked.”

McCarthy even tried to remain optimistic, despite the gravity of the situation. “No way this loser sticks around, I thought. But months later, she’s still showing up to hang-outs. I’m not sure when she’ll get the hint that it’s really inconvenient and borderline disrespectful to other people in the group when two people have the same name. It’s just plain greedy.” 

McCarthy has defended herself against the critics that say perhaps, her parents should have cared enough to give her a name that made her a distinct human being: “First of all, my name is actually not that common because I spell it with a K which is undeniably a lot less popular and not even the same thing as Cate with a C. And in the early 2000s, it was an up and coming name. Novel, even. Can you name a middle-aged C/Kate? Also most people named Kate don’t actually have a connection to the name. I’m named after three different dead relatives named Kathleen or something equally similar. And Kate is probably Irish, so it’s a cultural thing.” 

Luckily, friends of Kate and Kate reportedly have no problems distinguishing between the two of them, as they refer to Kate McCarthy as “Insufferable Kate”.

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