Face With Name Desperately Needs Your Vote For Student Assembly

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In the midst of a Student Assembly election that could be inaccurately described as “heated,” candidates have struggled to garner support from an indifferent student body. While some have made attempts to share their ideas about new resolutions and policies, the best and brightest among them have simply slapped a picture of their face and name next to the words “Vote For Me.”

“It’s not a decision I take lightly,” said Kal Cunnings ‘27 on his polarizing choice between the two candidates for the “Dyson School Of Business Representative” position. “It’s obvious that Sean Rawlings is like, a chill guy, but the framing on Chloe Wren’s headshot follows the rule of thirds in a way that really speaks to me. Sean has a thumbs up in his picture, so I know that he cares about me, but Chloe bordered her photo with a very pleasant seafoam blue color, which lets me know that she’ll be a cool head in times of crisis.”

Candidate Rawlings’ controversial use of the Google Drive Pacifico font has also been a source of much discussion amongst University policy-wonks. Supporters of the candidate claim that the atypical typeface demonstrates his out-of-the box thinking and the new-school politics he hopes to enact. The three other students who care argue that Rawling’s lack of professionalism should outright disqualify him from office. Comforted by Wren’s use of the Helvetica font, her supporters state that a “return to normalcy” is required now more than ever. 

“I just want people to know what’s important, and that’s voting for me,” said Candidate Rawling’s ‘26, striking his famous toothy grin. “At first I was just gonna put my name in big letters, but then I realized that people might not want to read all the little text with our names on the voting form,” explained Rawlings, accurately predicting the level of zeal that most students possess for SA elections.

Despite their many differences, both candidates have demonstrated their ability to overcome adversity in the face of impossible odds through their successful usage of the CU Print system.

Editor’s Note: None of the candidates for “College of Human Ecology Representative” were able to be reached for comment, as there aren’t any.

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