WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In the midst of a Student Assembly election that could be inaccurately described as “heated,” candidates have struggled to garner support from an indifferent student body. While some have made attempts to share their ideas about new resolutions and policies, the best and brightest among them have simply slapped a picture of their…
COLLEGETOWN— A recent survey of the Cornell for Biden student organization revealed that all three active members of the pro-Biden group now deeply regret their decision to publicly support an aggressively bland neoliberal who almost certainly will not come through on the majority of his campaign promises, on account of the fact that he has…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—After a long and contentious debate period, a majority of Cornell’s governing student body voted that out of all footwear options, the tastiest by far are Timberlands. The discussion prior to the vote was marred by infighting and irregular procedure. Students wondered whether the Timberlands in question were the generic tan color and…
COLLEGETOWN—Following President-Elect Joseph Biden’s historic victory over Donald Trump, Cornell for Biden President Andrew Beauregard ‘23 decided to host a certified banger with the club’s other two members in his studio apartment. Preparing all week for this night, Cornell for Biden’s Vice President, Secretary, Treasurer, Outreach and Health Officer Nicholas Hunt ‘22 spent hours planning…
WILLARD STRAIGHT — Following invitations to ‘Celebrate our next female president,’ the Cornell Democrats’ welcome party for Cornell’s newly announced 14th president Martha E. Pollack seems planned with someone else clearly in mind. “A lifelong fighter for children and families, from her time at Wellesley College in the 1960s to her recent term as Secretary…
DAY HALL— Due to recent events, Cornell’s office of Study Abroad has unveiled a new program allowing students to pursue their academic interests overseas for however many semesters they deem necessary. “Due to the newfound higher demand for longer study abroad programs, we decided to accommodate. As it stands, half the student body has deserted…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — Admitting that it will probably happen in his bright future, Government major Conrad Davis ’17 is convinced that he could actually be a great president someday. “I know it’s a long shot, but I’d do a good job,” Davis said, his voice resonating with the leadership of a true patriot. “I’ve…
Breathing a large sigh of relief, the Cornell community was glad to hear the Cornell Republicans’ votes will not count in the 2016 election after club endorsed Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson. “It was touch and go for the past week, and we were sure this announcement was going to endorse Trump, but it’s so much…
