WARREN HALL—Every semester, thousands of Cornellians ambiguously fill out When2Meet surveys seeking an optimal hour to schedule their weekly rendezvous. While scrutinizing the availability of his fellow project teammates, president Edmund Fitch ‘24 was shocked to see that for the first time, the socially inept loner on the team indicated that he was unavailable to meet on the following Friday after 8 PM.
“Finally! Our web programmer, Matthew, claims to be ‘busy’ next Friday night!” Fitch could hardly contain his excitement, grinning as he hovered his cursor over grids of green. “And what exciting event, pray tell, could that hermit possibly be occupied with that evening?”
The E-board Slack channel erupted into a cacophony of digital gasps and rampant speculation. The socially repugnant recluse in question, known to many as “that one guy in the corner,” had always been a source of morbid fascination and annoyance. Team members reveled in the opportunity to hypothesize about the paradox of such an utterly boring, uninterested individual having Friday night plans. Theories ranged from the mundane (attending an acapella concert) to the outlandish (performing arcane rituals in the Kroch Library).
Upon questioning, Matthew justified his unavailability to meet, “God forbid I enjoy an evening to myself instead of meeting up with these dumbfuck losers again. Self-care and whatnot. I only joined for the LinkedIn clout anyway.”
Meanwhile, the self-alienating club outcast sat oblivious in his musty dorm room as conspiracies brewed around his social life. Unbeknownst to him, his curated Friday night ritual of grinding Sidechat karma, indulging in a solo campaign of Dungeons & Dragons, and doing a $3 face mask from Urban Outfitters was about to become the subject of intense ridicule.