Category Archives: Uncategorized

Former Intern Eager to Apply Newly Obtained Coffee-Fetching Skills

After three months of his internship at General Motors, Stuart Reed ‘18 is prepared to introduce his newly acquired coffee-fetching skills into the world of academia. “The real-world experiences I’ve gathered at GM will really contribute to my education, ” said Reed confidently. “As a marketing intern, I’ve grown accustomed Read More

Professor Hopes Poor First Impression With Student Won’t Ruin Semester

BAKER LAB—After being caught off guard in an awkward interaction with a member of his 8 AM class, chemistry professor Lee Wilf reportedly hoped that his poor first impression wouldn’t ruin the rest of his semester. “It was 15 minutes before my class started, so I really wasn’t expecting anyone Read More

Martha Pollack Reads The Very Hungry Caterpillar to Students at Orientation

DAY HALL—To foster loving relationships with those on campus before the semester begins, President Martha Pollack has decided to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar to students at Orientation. “Reading books with wholesome themes to our young ones encourages academic excellence and teaches mutual respect,” explained Pollack with a nurturing and Read More

Student Who Bleeds Big Red Sadly Returns Latest Nike Shoes

Philadelphia, PA—Following President Martha Pollack’s decision to terminate Cornell’s licensing relationship with Nike, Big Red superfan Matthew Walker ’19 sadly returned his recently purchased Nike flyknit shoes. “It’s hard to give up the freshest, most form-fitting shoes I’ve ever worn,” Walker admitted dejectedly, “but as a Cornellian through and through, Read More