Category Archives: Uncategorized

Student Returning Home Disappointed By Meal Plan Options

STATEN ISLAND—Longing for a time with better company and better food, Alex Reed ’24 has been missing Cornell Dining’s exquisite meal selections while back at his parents’ house for Winter Break.  “It’s nice to not have to wait in line at the dining hall—sorry, dining room,” Reed said. “But overall, Read More

Student Astonished To Learn That Being An Ally Means Something Other Than Telling Girls He Loved Ladybird

WARREN HALL—AEM Major Roger Gross ‘22 reacted with shock upon realizing that not one bullet point in an Instagram infographic labeled “How to Be An Ally” contained any reference to the 2017 Greta Gerwig film Ladybird. “There was all this shit about ‘calling out microaggressions’ and like ‘mutual aid,’ but Read More

“I Need A New Frank Ocean Album,” Says Student Who Actually Just Needs To Get Over His Ex

TACOMA—For the third time this month, Parker Shaw ‘23 posted a screenshot of Frank Ocean’s “Self Control” to his Instagram story, captioned “need a new Frank album ASAP.” Shaw has long awaited his musical therapy, spending the early hours of every day since August wallowing in a deep melancholy devoid Read More

OP-ED: This Thanksgiving, I’d Like to Thank God For Blessing Me With Such a Fat Juicy Pussy

Thanksgiving is a day in which friends and family give their thanks for all that they are grateful for. This year, I plan on expressing a huge thank you to God for gifting me with an invaluable asset: a succulent, sizable, stank-ass pussy.  When forging me from his flesh, God Read More

Freshman Departs Campus For Winter Break With Box Of Condoms Still Unopened

DONLON HALL—Per sources close to the situation, the bulk-sized box of condoms purchased in August by freshman Isaac Moore at a Costco remained completely unused at the onset of winter break three months later. “When I first moved in, he showed me the box of rubbers almost immediately and asked Read More

Fraternities Concerned Cornell’s Switch to Green Status Might Make Them Appear Socially Responsible

WEST CAMPUS—In response to the recent news that the Ithaca COVID levels have dropped to the point that campus may now return to Green status, several fraternities across campus have expressed concern that this will reflect negatively on Cornell’s Greek life. “Okay, we’re obviously stoked we can go out again, Read More

The Votes Are In: Student Assembly Thinks Timberlands Are The Tastiest Boots To Lick

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—After a long and contentious debate period, a majority of Cornell’s governing student body voted that out of all footwear options, the tastiest by far are Timberlands. The discussion prior to the vote was marred by infighting and irregular procedure. Students wondered whether the Timberlands in question were Read More

Cornell Mental Healthcare Services Says Fuck It With New Slogan “What Are You Gonna Do? Cry About It?”

HO PLAZA—Cornell Counseling & Psychological Services made waves this week when the psychological services department unveiled their new slogan “What Are You Gonna Do? Cry About It?” The motto change comes as a surprise for many, who for years have known the slogan of CAPS to be “Dang, That Sucks, Read More

Ice Hockey and, uhh, Some Other Sports Cancelled, We Think

TEAGLE HALL—In a shocking announcement, Athletics Director Andy Noel confirmed that Ivy League officials had canceled all winter sports, which includes men’s ice hockey, women’s ice hockey, and possibly some other ones as well. “We recognize that this is a very challenging day for Cornell’s ice hockey student athletes, as Read More