Category Archives: Uncategorized

Erudite Freshman Begins Answer With “When I Was Doing the Reading”

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Before answering a question proposed by his professor, freshman John Higgins ‘23 boldly implied to everyone in the room that he had actually done the required readings for class that day and that he was completely ready to deliver an adequate response. “I really just wanted to clarify Read More

OP-ED: This Creative Writing Class Is By No Means an Excuse to Publish Your Sonic The Hedgehog Erotica

By Professor Margaret Ellipson, ENGL 2810 Creative Writing When all of you students walk through the door each morning, I give you the opportunity to look deep into yourself. For the years I have taught this class, the students and I, together, have spent every Monday and Wednesday from 10:10 Read More

OP-ED: So-Called “Perfect Match” Won’t Even Let Me Touch Her Feet

With all the buzz surrounding Valentine’s Day and everyone’s excitement about receiving their Perfect Match results, I just wanted to put this out there: last year, the girl who was supposed to be my “perfect match” wouldn’t let me anywhere near her feet.  While there was a lot of big Read More

Cornell Suggests Using Reef Polling App To DNC

DAY HALL—Following the bungled use of a tabulation app at the Iowa Caucuses, Cornell has officially offered to train the DNC on how to use the university-adopted iClicker Reef polling app.  “We here at Cornell know that there is no better way to quickly calculate poll results than by using Read More

Stephanie Beatriz Asked to Solve the Mystery of Why You’re Single During Valentine’s Day CUPB Show

This article was sponsored by CUPB: Stephanie Beatriz is coming to Cornell on February 14th at Bailey Hall. Join CUPB, MCFAB, and Haven for a moderated Q&A to get a behind-the-scenes look at the hit show and her career. Beatriz is not only known for her hit show Brooklyn Nine-Nine Read More

Friend with Strange Music Taste Emboldened by Party’s Collaborative Spotify Playlist

WILLIAMS STREET—Local party host Jeffery Norton ‘20 is reportedly regretting his decision to share a collaborative Spotify playlist with friends after one guest with a bizarre taste in music took full advantage of the invitation to contribute. While most playlist contributors added a few of their favorite hits from the Read More

Underground Fraternity’s Entire Pledge Class Discovered in Sub-Campus Cave Complex

SUBTERRANEAN CAVES–In the wake of reports of a mysterious “scuttling noise” and muffled whispers in the walls of the Uris-Olin tunnel, the most recent pledge class of Alpha Delta Chi has reportedly been discovered living a subsistence-based lifestyle deep beneath the Cornell University campus. Having lived underneath campus since the Read More

“And the Americans, they like this ‘Football’? Then we shall like it too,” Exclaims Entire International Student Body

OFFICE OF STUDENT AFFAIRS – Committed to making the most of this weekend’s Super Bowl, the entire international student body released a statement earlier this morning proclaiming their enjoyment of American Football.  “Even though it makes no sense and is played nowhere else on the planet, we get such a Read More

Students Excited to See Some Diversity in Collegetown Food Scene with Addition of New Asian Restaurant

EDDY STREET— With Miyake, a beloved Japanese restaurant, recently closing its doors, members of the Collegetown community are reportedly saddened by the loss, but enthusiastic for new diversity in the C-town food landscape —in the form of Masita, a new Asian restaurant. “I was actually, like, super scared,” commented Abigail Read More

Cornell Human Development Study Confirms Bitches Really Do Be Like That

MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL — Whether it comes to common choices in clothing, similar affectations, or extreme emotional reactions, bitches really do be like that, a pioneering new study has confirmed. Looking at behaviors such as daily horoscope checking, writing notes in five different colors, and making 5-11 Instagram story Read More