Category Archives: Uncategorized

Rising Senior’s Apartment Affordable Firetrap Only Ten Minute Walk From Olin

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COLLEGETOWN — Junior Jake Evans reported today that the apartment he’d be living in next year was, “An affordable place, close to campus, and virtually impossible to escape in the event of a fire or other emergency.” Chatting with friends over coffee, Evans mentioned that his apartment was likely to Read More

OP-ED: If Professor Strogatz is So Great, How Come I Still Don’t Know Fractions?

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MALOTT HALL — Everyone seems to think Professor Strogatz teaches differential equations phenomenally, so someone please tell me why I’ve spent the last three hours trying to convert two fifths into decimal format? I’m convinced Strogatz doesn’t even have the proper credentials to teach at an institution like Cornell. He Read More

Students Heading Home For Fall Break This February

Leaves make the gradual transition to fall on Libe Slope, Oct 23.

BAKER FLAGPOLE – Trudging through the cold February flurries to the West Campus bus stop, hundreds of students are heading home for the long Fall Break weekend. “My girlfriend and I were both too busy to actually be together on Valentine’s Day, so this Fall Break is our chance to Read More

Report: Current Rise in Tuition Levels Will Lead to Unsustainable Campus by 2024

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DAY HALL — Following the Cornell Board of Trustees vote to increase tuition by 3.75%, a team of financial wellness scientists released a report detailing how, if tuition levels continue to grow at the current rate, Cornell’s campus will be unable to support students in just seven years. “While a Read More

To Increase Trust With Students, CUPD Will Now Snapchat Every Arrest It Makes

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DAY HALL — Following increased calls for transparency, CUPD has decided that in addition to using body cameras, it will Snapchat every arrest it makes in an attempt to gain the trust of the Cornell community. Under the handle “coolcopz”, Cornell’s finest will keep their Snapstory updated with a constant Read More

Title IX Investigations Keep Piling Up In University’s Spam Folder

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San Diego, CA (Jun. 14, 2002) -- Mr. Stephen C. Dunn, Deputy Comptroller for the U.S. Navy's Space and  Naval Warfare Systems Command (SPAWAR), recently received the prestigious "William A. Jump Meritorious Award for Excellence in Public Administration.Ó  U.S. Navy photo by Corinna Duron.  (RELEASED)

DAY HALL — A recent report by the U.S. Department of Education’s Office of Civil Rights, which named Cornell the university with the highest number of active Title IX investigations, has landed atop a growing heap of Title IX emails in the university’s spam folder. “Initially, I was pleasantly surprised Read More

Student Hastily Relates Super Bowl To Last Night’s Comparative Literature Reading

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GOLDWIN SMITH – Stating that the dichotomy between good and evil was a theme in both John Milton’s oeuvre Paradise Lost and the championship football game between the New England Patriots and the Atlanta Falcons, comparative literature student William Perkins ‘18 hastily related his reading from the previous night to Read More