Roommate Shaped Hole In Apartment Wall Was “Totally There When We Moved In”

STEWART AVE—In a mysterious turn of events, Jacob Haddow ‘24 awoke this morning to discover a large hole in his apartment wall matching the precise proportions of his roommate. Further perplexing was his housemate’s insistence that the gaping abscess in their hallway had “always been there.”

“I honestly can’t believe he doesn’t remember this,” said Deric Long ‘24, a fellow member of the apartment. “We moved in and Jacob was like ‘Oh man I’m gonna go check out the kitchen,’ and I pointed at the big hole in the wall and said ‘Wow that big hole is my exact height and width, isn’t that neat?’ and then we all agreed that the hole was there.”

Haddow has not yet been able to verify the precise date of the hole’s conception. Attempts to reach out to his landlord proved unsuccessful after she too could not remember whether their unit had come with “the finished walls package.” 

“I guess I am pretty forgetful sometimes,” commented a thoughtful Haddow. “Just about every week I find myself forgetting something, like how much milk is left in the fridge, how many rolls of toilet paper we have left, or how many pillows I keep on my bed. Deric never forgets any of that stuff; I’ve got no idea how he does it. I could’ve sworn the wall looked normal yesterday, but then again, I thought the same thing about my bedroom window and it turned out that that was broken all semester too!”

“Besides, it’d be really hard to make a hole like that,” added Long. “You’d need a running start and big jump to get close to that size. I honestly think it’d be impressive.”

“Then Perish”: Cornell Administration Offers Grad Students Living Wage If They Can Best Ryan Lombardi In Ritual Combat

DAY HALL—In the wake of a 30,000-strong grad student strike in the University of California system, Cornell’s second-most well known administrator has offered to battle graduate students to the death to avoid paying a fair wage.

“University policy explicitly states that we would treat graduate students as equals ‘over our dead bodies,’ and we follow rules here at Cornell,” explained VP Ryan Lombardi. “Therefore, graduate students are entitled to a living wage if and only if they can prove themselves my equal in mortal combat, mano a mano. No weapons: just our fists, our wits, and the cool breeze on the roof of the Statler. If I die, or if I yield, we can promise an industry-average health plan and compensation package. Graduate students say they want to be able to ‘afford food,’ but I’m standing right here offering any of them a free knuckle sandwich.”

Following the announcement, the Cornell Board of Trustees held an emergency meeting in which they approved Lombardi’s offer. According to the graduate representative to the Board, the assembly was originally against the proposal, until Lombardi ripped his shirt off and offered to “give a taste” to any Trustee who dared oppose him, after which the proposal passed unanimously.The Cornell Graduate Student Union (CGSU), however, seemed less enthusiastic about the prospect of a battle royale, claiming that they would prefer a traditional bargaining session to murder.

“Frankly, we are asking for the bare minimum here,” argued physics PhD candidate James Allston ‘24. “A simple arbitration session would be far easier on all of us. The fact that Ryan Lombardi would rather die than offer us a basic cost-of-living raise says a lot about his hatred of grad students, or his confidence in his Muay Thai instructor.”

At press time, the graduate student has declined to challenge Lombardi, opting instead to surrender by leaving a gift of a large wooden bear outside the doors of Day Hall.

No Hope Of Deescalation After Third ROTC Kid Joins Discussion Section

PHILLIPS HALL—Tensions skyrocketed this Tuesday after a third member of the Reserve Officers’ Training Corps forcibly added themselves to the CS1110 Discussion 213 roster. Though a peaceful resolution seemed to be near, the arrival of Cadet Benjamin Peterson ‘25 signals a drastic shift in the ongoing conflict.

“There is absolutely no cause for concern at this time,” stated Cadet Beth Talla ‘24, jotting down the approximate height and weight of each of her fellow classmates on a small notepad. “TA Ryan’s fearmongering about our presence here is entirely unfounded, and the United States Military has no vested interest in the activity of this classroom. While Cadet Peterson’s arrival has been painted by some as a concentration of force to ensure our victory over the rest of you in an eventual conflict, the Reserve Officers’ Training Corps categorically denies these accusations.”

Cadet Talla’s initial enrollment in the class appeared positive, with TA Ryan even going so far as to crack a joke about “needing to watch [his] back.” However, the jokes quickly stopped after Cadet Talla returned the following week with Cadet Allen Engel ‘25 in tow. Talla then reportedly questioned TA Ryan, asking “My back is covered, who has yours?” After a tumultuous semester, the majority of student questions have shifted from the topic of “How do I initialize my for loop?” to “Am I in the middle of a proxy war?”

“One is fine, and two isn’t a good sign, but three has gotta be an invasion,” said TA Ryan Ashe. “This new guy’s not even on the attendance sheet, and the add deadline was weeks ago. He told me he was ‘really interested in computers and stuff’ but the only thing I’ve seen him look at is the size of the windows and the strength of the desks.”

“They might think they’ve got me off guard, but I’ll be ready. This desktop computer weighs about 30 pounds, and I’m ready to launch,” added TA Ryan, a clear signal of his preparedness for the impending war. 

The possibility of peace continued to dwindle after another section member was overheard following class, inquiring about where to get a buzz cut and raving about his “sick new Camaro”.

Martha Pollack Disappointed to Learn “Cornell Crushes Huskies” Headline Was In Reference to Hockey Game

DAY HALL- The holiday season is in full swing for Cornellians, many of whom spent a portion of their Thanksgiving holiday in New York City, watching the Big Red hockey team trounce the UConn Huskies 6-0 at Madison Square Garden. The Frozen Apple, a longstanding tradition that unites Cornell students, their families, and generations of alumni, brought smiles to the faces of thousands of fans, as the unranked Cornell team toppled the number six Connecticut squad. However, not all Cornell fans were excited after the big win.

“I mean yeah, it’s cool we won,” said Cornell University president Martha Pollack on Saturday night, “But when I heard we were fighting some huskies, I got excited.”

When asked to elaborate, President Pollack released a dejected sigh before pausing briefly.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of the hockey team, I really am. This win is really big for our program. I just thought you were talking about something else, that uh, is an interest of mine. I really wish sports headlines were phrased a bit more clearly, so the reader doesn’t mistake an article about skating for one about their extracurricular pastimes ”

Cornell Hockey has moved to 6-4 on the season and next faces Harvard at home from Lynah Rink on December 2nd. President Pollack did not offer a comment on whether or not she will be attending the game versus the Crimson, but did say that “those blue-eyed freaks have had it far too good for far too long” and that she “would’ve turned Jonathan the Husky into a coat”. 

Strange: Aunt Patricia Refers to Cornell as “The Place Where Huey Lewis Went to College”

WESTCHESTER, NY—In a confusing development, your Aunt Patricia apparently knows Cornell exclusively as the alma mater of Huey Lewis, the frontman of the bygone pop rock band Huey Lewis and the News.

“I always used to think that some fancy-schmancy Cornell education was a waste of money, but then I learned that Huey Lewis went there,” said Aunt Patricia with no prompting. “Back in my day, he was the lead singer of a popular band called Huey Lewis and the News. That was back when they made real music, though, not all of this hippity hoppity rap garbage with all the cursing and the twerking.”

According to inside source Aunt Janine, Aunt Patricia has been a fan of Huey Lewis and the News since the release of their tour de force 1983 album “Sports” and its hit singles “I Want a New Drug” and “The Heart of Rock and Roll.” However, it wasn’t until later that she learned that Huey Lewis—the band’s lead singer, primary lyricist, and occasional harmonica player—had attended Cornell before dropping out in 1969 during his junior year spring to pursue a career in music.

“Back then they called him Hugh Cregg III, but I think Huey Lewis sounds more macho,” said Aunt Patricia, who is apparently a much bigger fan of Huey Lewis and the News than you previously realized. “I don’t think Huey cared much for Cornell—he probably thought it had too many of those hippie communists running around. But if he can go there and end up making ‘The Power of Love,’ it can’t be too bad after all.”
At press time, you were tempering Aunt Patricia’s expectations that Lewis would respond to an email delivered to hac75@cornell.edu, the address associated with his Cornell NetID.

“Not if we have anything to say about it,” Cornell Republicans Vow to Personally Baste Any Turkey Pardoned by Joe Biden

MCGRAW HALL— In response to the annual pardoning of one lucky turkey for the Thanksgiving holiday, plucky political group “Cornell Republicans” released a seven page Instagram post calling for a reneging on the tradition.  

“This practice runs afoul of the very ideals on which this glorious nation was founded,” explained Zachary Harker ‘23, club president. “Since we’ve called ourselves Americans, we’ve been serving overcooked turkey on Thanksgiving Day, right next to the casserole with all the raisins in it and the cranberry sauce still shaped like a can.”

The group is “prepared to take action” according to their statement. Armed with several grill forks, a diverse supply of seasonings such as salt and pepper, and a single turkey baster, the so-called “Poultry Platoon” plans to operate until the end of Thanksgiving break, seizing and seasoning any turkeys which attempt to enter or leave the White House.

The group’s efforts have even gained the support of the alumni community, with the history of the pardoning tradition being skillfully ripped apart by Mr. Job Fowler ‘22. “Like it or not, all turkeys have an equal right to be served up on a platter and eaten,” Fowler wrote in a newspaper no one reads. “They’re practically begging for it. Why else would they run around screaming gobble gobble?”

Fortunately, the group’s tactics were thwarted when they were whisked away from the White House gates by a family on their yearly turkey trot.

Bobo The Lactose-Intolerant Clown Super Sorry For Disrupting Ann Coulter Event

MYRON TAYLOR HALL— After a week of outrage surrounding an interrupted Ann Coulter event led to calls for expulsion, Bobo the Clown has stepped forward to clarify the cause of the dearth of fart noises and clown music.

“Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry!” exclaimed Bobert Ringling ‘24. “All I’ve heard for the last week is how immature the clown music and fart noises were, but I want you to know I didn’t have much of a choice. See, I housed a quart of ice cream for lunch and I’m lactose intolerant, so that was completely out of my control. As for the music, I have a tiny band that follows me around in my tiny car playing polka songs constantly. I’m really sorry it disrupted the event, but imagine what it’s like trying to sleep with Weird Al parody instrumentals playing directly into your ear. Please, I’m begging here, don’t expel me until you’ve walked a mile in my oversized shoes.” 

Administration, which vowed to quickly crack down on any disruptions, has scheduled student misconduct hearings for Bobo, vowing that the system will handle any goofiness and silliness in due time. Cornell’s conservative groups have doubled down on calls for punishment, demanding the University “send Bobo through the Ring of Fire.” President Pollack released a statement outlining what comes next.

“Cornell values free expression, and will do what is necessary to restore order,” claimed President Pollack. “Fart noises and clown music are not permitted at Cornell, along with any other sounds that entertain the rabble. We are dedicated to protecting any speaker’s ego, and the horrific noises directed at Ann Coulter are clearly nothing short of violence. As such, Bobo will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.”

Campus conservatives dropped all charges against Bobo after realizing his circus’ various connections to animal abuse.

Cornell’s Qatar Campus Built With 50% Less Slave Labor Than Rest of Country

ITHACA, NY and EDUCATION CITY, QATAR—Amid controversies surrounding the 2022 World Cup, Cornell University President Martha Pollack defended the university’s Weill Cornell Medicine-Qatar satellite campus.

Hailing the Gulf state as “the world’s most progressive petro-monarchy,” Pollack appealed to Cornell’s values. “In the words of our founder, we will always strive to do the greatest good. In accordance with this mission, we ensured that the construction of our Qatar campus involved fewer than 2,000 migrant workers, with only sixty deaths. And these corpses hailed from disadvantaged countries all over the world—truly a shining example of our commitment to diversity and inclusion.”

Pollack also addressed the civil liberties Wahhabist absolute monarchies are known for. “Cornell University has a long record of standing up for free speech and other cherished rights. Students at our Qatar campus enjoy the same freedoms as those in Ithaca or New York City. We wouldn’t have it any other way. Now, if they step off campus—well, that’s not really our problem, now, is it?”

She concluded on a positive note. “I understand the concerns about our partnership with the Qatar Foundation. But Cornell University will work with anyone who shares our mission of helping communities and individuals expand horizons and improve lives, regardless of prior or ongoing human rights abuses. Weill Cornell Medicine-Qatar empowers students to broaden their global perspective—its very foundation contains human remains from six different countries! We believe the opportunities this campus brings to both our students and the locals are well worth the slave labor—so long as you only reference the official death count.”

In accordance with Qatar’s Male Guardianship Law, Pollack could not release the statement until her husband approved it and ensured it did not promote immoral activities.

Chicken Sad, Confused Post Co-Op Rejection

THE PROSPECT OF WHITBY—In a record bad day for poultry, a chicken has been found in complete and utter disarray after being turned away from all cooperative living opportunities, left with absolutely no co-op to call home. 

“It is honestly a bit of a bummer, because she really was one of our more enthusiastic mosey-ers. As soon as she got here she started hopping around and bawking like crazy, and I mean she went for hours. It was impressive, but what are we supposed to do? The university has a strict no animal policy, and I’m honestly not even sure she’s enrolled here. Every time we asked her for her major, she just started clucking!” explained Marie Drums ‘23. A senior who has now lived in the house for one year, Drums cannot help but explain, “We would never willingly discriminate based on species. If she could guarantee her studenthood, we would take it right to the university president!”

Ultimately, the university stands in the way of this chicken finding her family. Regardless of the students’ willingness to truly accept “anybody,” the stopper was placed on this particularly lost bird. 

After her rejection, however, the chicken seemed to make no key moves to identify herself as a student or return to any dorms. In fact, the chicken was really only able to sit in the yard of Triphammer Co-Op, downtrodden, releasing a soft cooing noise that sounded something like “Coop, coop.” 

At press time, Triphammer members were struggling to move the chicken from its self-proclaimed crying spot in their yard. 

OP-ED: Have You Ever Even Heard of Trench Foot? Of Course My Shoes Being Wet Is A Valid Reason to Ask for An Extension

My uncompassionate lowlife of a psychology professor obviously does not know even the basics of World War I. 

Come November, this campus always turns into sludge. It snows, and then the snow melts, and my feet get all wet. These are the conditions the heroes of World War I nobly fought and suffered in. The perils of their feet in the damp trenches left them with sore, infected, and painful peds. Surely, such a plight that left the bravest in agony does not allow for a paper to be optimal when inflicted upon a writer. 

A day before the essay was due, my dogs weren’t just barkin’, they were howlin’. They were crying for me to change my wet socks, which I did, but to sit down to write a summary of a study about the effects of music on sleep with a crucial part of my body recovering from being damp was an insurmountable task. Feeling thankful for the solace of slippers which the men on the Western Front deserved but couldn’t have, I reached out to my professor and used my medical woe to request more time. 

But she said “of course not.” What a fucking ignorant bitch. People died fighting for rights, or whatever it was, in those trenches against the enemy. Some had to get their feet amputated. Has she no decency? No respect?! Especially right after Veteran’s Day… how awful must you be to not acknowledge how trenchfoot could be affecting me at this very moment? 

The sogginess of my tootsies impedes my valiant efforts to put words on a page, and the sheer balls that this historically inept sorry excuse for a professor has to deny me accommodation for a well-known foot ailment baffles me. She is the revisionist scum of the Earth that rejects the bravery of those who stood in the cold mud of battle. 

My poor piggies roll around in the mud that leaks into my canvas shoes, leaving them wrinkled and all ouchie, and she does nothing. If only she knew the terror of having a potential for trench foot, maybe she would fall to her knees pleading for forgiveness for her foolishness, bestowing me with my deserved 48 extra hours as compensation for my basically war torn feet.