PHILLIPS HALL—As artificial intelligence advances at breakneck pace, the race to create a truly sentient digital being, capable of thinking, working, and irreversibly blurring the line between man and machine, has rapidly approached its conclusion. Surprising everyone, a group of Cornell engineers has managed to create the first fully sentient automaton, which they call Robot…
OLIN LIBRARY—After a semester of achieving “maximal academic efficiency” by consuming all his lectures at fast pace and high pitch, Freddy Fedderman ‘26 was surprised to find that his study habits had left him talking in double-time. Though Fedderman’s condition has been observed before, with a notable uptick during the Holiday Season from those who…
Cornell’s Chemistry Department was up in arms this past week due to the unprecedented decision of one unusually generous professor to offer her students an extra credit opportunity. “We in the Chem Department are committed to the unquenchable desire to watch our students writhe and despair in the hellish academic cesspools that we call classes,”…
As an undergraduate Cornell student, I was overjoyed to receive an email from “OpaVote Voting Link.” I thought, “Finally! I get to use my voice for something that matters: a referendum to decide the best of K-Pop icon PSY’s songs!” It came as an absolute surprise; I’m on all the PSY forums, how had I…
HO PLAZA—Hundreds of admitted students accepted to the class of 2028 flooded Ithaca last week for admitted students weekend, hoping to get a real sense of student life, academic workload, and average student hotness. But unfortunately for them, as the “Freedom of Expression” theme year incites discussion of robust free speech and academic liberty across…
THE CORNELL STORE—After a few days of privately journaling, Meyer Cliffson ‘27 decided that his biweekly contributions to the Opinion column in the Cornell Daily Sun were no longer necessary to subside his moral insecurities. This unexpected choice was made following his first therapy consultation, in which the therapist immediately provided Cliffson with an extensive…
KEETON HOUSE—Students flocked to the new Fall ‘24 course rosters, excited to plan their next academic semester. Unfortunately for one, their very own academic career has been hijacked by an apparent monopoly on required courses. Olivia Thompson ‘25 has only a few semesters to go, but she must overcome one final obstacle to gain the…
Hoping for a shot at joining the elites of Cornell, Michael White ‘26 entered the alluring seating area of Temple of Zeus. As the unspoken meeting place for aesthetically blessed students, the radiant marble tables glistened seductively as he passed. But White stirred up trouble when he attempted to find an available seat, eliciting shock…
MORRISON DINING – In a shocking turn of events, Morrison Dining, renowned for its 30-minute wait times and fishtank-like appearance, has found itself in dire financial straits after reportedly squandering half of its annual budget on industrial-grade Windex. “These windows are the most earth-shattering financial drain I’ve seen in my entire career,” lamented Morrison financial…
What is supposed to be a routine bathroom visit quickly turns into a nightmare whenever the automatic toilet begins flushing of its own volition. At its core, this is a question of man vs. machine. We are in a time of widespread uncertainty and hesitation regarding the role of artificial intelligence in our society. Yet,…
