Category Archives: Uncategorized

ILR Student “Really Passionate About Labor Movement, But Corporate Law Pays More So I Might Just Do That”

IVES HALL— In the face of mounting pressure from his peers, Industrial and Labor Relations junior Brent Samson recently assuaged fears that he was a corporatist, boot-licking Bezos simp by vaguely claiming that he has plans to work in the labor movement eventually, unless of course he could make more Read More

“I’m Not Sure If They’ll Let Me Say This These Days,” Says Senior Lecturer About to Say Most Horrifying Thing You’ve Ever Heard

PHILLIPS HALL—Students were left horrified this Tuesday after senior lecturer Timothy Ostgarden paused his 8 am lecture to remark, “Now, I’m not sure if they’ll let me say these days,” before embarking on a thirty minute screed against women, minorities, the LGBT community, and the Irish. “I’m disappointed in Dr. Read More

Student Assembly Shuts Off All Campus Power In Solidarity With Texas

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—After witnessing devastating weather-induced power outages in Texas, the Cornell Student Assembly has decisively and unanimously passed a resolution to flip the Cornell master circuit breaker to the off position. “Here at the Student Assembly, we’re all about making a splash on the big stage,” said Assembly President Read More

President Pollack Announces In-Person 2020 Commencement Was Actually Promised by Evil Twin, Gartha

ITHACA—In a statement released late on Sunday evening, Cornell University President Martha Pollack refuted claims that she had promised an in-person event for this fall’s commencing ceremony. According to Pollack, the initial statement assuring students that convocation would be held in-person had not actually been issued by her, but by Read More

Sun Readers Losing Hope After 33 Straight Fridays Without New Articles in The BLK Voices Series

ITHACA—Avid Cornell Daily Sun readers have become discouraged after seven consecutive months without an update to the paper’s “Blk Voices” column. Despite starting out strong with two poems focusing on the experiences of Black Americans, the project has not added a third installment.  “I suppose it’s possible they just ran Read More

Freshman Loses The Few Friends He Has By Pronouncing Gracías “Grathías” In Introductory Spanish Class

ZOOM—Charlie Richmond ‘24 unsuccessfully attempted to impress his SPAN 1101: General Spanish I professor with a refined pronunciation of “grathías” on the first day of class. “At first I thought that the other students would be intimidated by my obvious natural proficiency for Spanish,” Richmond explained, “but then I remembered Read More

“Egads, I’ve Been Foiled Again!” Cries Would-Be Hacker Stymied by Canvas Two-Factor Authentication

UNKNOWN—After attempting for months to break into the Cornell Canvas mainframe, a nefarious hacker who is known as “The Marauder” on online message boards looked on in horror as the website informed him that he could not proceed without a second authentication factor. “Blast! Those conniving Cornelians foiled my Machiavellian Read More

OP-ED: Getting Phoebe Bridgers To Perform A Virtual Concert Is The Closest Thing Cornell Has Done To Acknowledge Depression Amongst Students

ITHACA—In a stunning reversal of university policies and practices, Cornell has finally taken action to address the allegations that Cornell students disproportionately experience depression, compared to their peers at other colleges. It’s no secret that many Cornellians are overwhelmed, stressed, and/or depressed, and for decades the student body has appealed Read More

President Pollack Announces Greek Life Members to Be Swabbed Every Thirty Minutes

DAY HALL–In a virtual statement given this morning President Pollack informed the plague-ridden student body that effective immediately, all Greek life members will be subject to coronavirus testing every thirty minutes. “Listen up, motherfuckers,” Pollack growled. “It’s Martha rules from now on. From now on, no brother or sister will Read More

CUPD to Celebrate Holiday Spirit With Christmas-Themed Parking Tickets

ITHACA—Hoping to bring some joy to what could otherwise be described as a bleak and tumultuous year, the Cornell University Police Department has decided to switch to holiday-themed parking tickets for the month of December.  “As days get shorter and people have gone months without seeing their loved ones, we Read More