Morrison Dining Petitions Cornell for Increased Funding After Spending Over Half the Budget on Windex

MORRISON DINING – In a shocking turn of events, Morrison Dining, renowned for its 30-minute wait times and fishtank-like appearance, has found itself in dire financial straits after reportedly squandering half of its annual budget on industrial-grade Windex.

“These windows are the most earth-shattering financial drain I’ve seen in my entire career,” lamented Morrison financial manager, Josiah Stevens, worry clouding his expression. None of his lengthy Excel YouTube tutorials and high school business math prepared him for budgeting like this.

Stevens, whose countless sleepless nights are tormented by the formidable plague of fingerprints diminishing the beautiful blinding glare of the building, is now facing a dilemma of epic proportions.

“We’ve exhausted all other resources,” Stevens admitted, wiping away a smudge of Windex with a shaky hand. “Even the off-brand ‘blue raspberry 100% ammonia spray’ stood no chance against the grime and oil coating the hands of these students.”

With the dining hall’s budget stretched to its breaking point, desperate measures are being considered. “Surely the coveted hibachi grill can’t go, the masses will riot!” Stevens declared, surveying the food stations with great concern.

“No employee was willing to stay late and tackle this insurmountable task for the good of the community,” confessed Stevens, his voice shaking with frustration, “even after the very generous offer of 10 extra BRBs per semester.”

In a last-ditch effort to salvage the situation, Morrison Dining has petitioned Cornell University for additional funding. However, the response has been lukewarm at best, with university officials expressing skepticism over the allocation of funds.

As the fate of Morrison Dining hangs in the balance, one thing is certain: the battle against dirty windows rages on, leaving students and staff alike to ponder the true cost of crystal-clear views.

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