Automatic Toilet Decides You Are Done Shitting Now

What is supposed to be a routine bathroom visit quickly turns into a nightmare whenever the automatic toilet begins flushing of its own volition. 

At its core, this is a question of man vs. machine. We are in a time of widespread uncertainty and hesitation regarding the role of artificial intelligence in our society. Yet, we turn the other cheek to the villain living in our schools and places of work: the automatic toilet. 

Advocates will try to convince you that it is environmentally friendly. “It saves water,,” they lie to your face. I ask you, Big Toilet, what is waste efficient about flushing nineteen times per poop, the tiniest lean forward ushering a flood into the basin. In my most human moment, am I not capable of knowing when the deed is done? 

Are we so far gone that we no longer trust our fellow man to choose when it is time to flush? Why must we hand the reins to a cold, stainless steel robotic consciousness who knows nothing but how to make us suffer? Despite this horrific treatment, I am trapped. The toilet and I both know I will be back: most likely three times today, according to doctors.

Once again sitting upon a porcelain death seat, I am reduced to nothing. My decisions have no weight. No meaning. I am Dave from 2001: A Space Odyssey begging a faceless, nameless toilet to open the pod bay doors. Let me finish shitting, Hal, I plead. I’m sorry. I’m afraid I can’t do that, it mocks me, before unleashing yet another punishing FWOOOOMSH.

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