July 5, 2017

Report: Holy Shit, It’s Wednesday

CHICAGO, IL—After being asked “How was your weekend?” as he entered the office, summer intern Connor Lee ‘18 concluded this morning upon gathering data from Monday and Tuesday that, holy shit, it’s Wednesday.

“On Monday I just chilled at home, then on Tuesday I hung with my family at the lake, and then…holy shit, it’s Wednesday,” muttered a disoriented Lee as he clutched his 8 AM double shot espresso reserved for Monday mornings only. The perplexed intern paused his train of thought to count on his fingertips the number of days since he had last sat in his office desk, discovering that contrary to his predictions, “Shit, wow, it’s the middle of the week already.”

Evidence of today being Wednesday became clear when another intern chirped, “Well what are you up to this weekend?”, as if it were some near and impending event.

“Needless to say, these results were completely unexpected,” the stunned intern said.

Sources confirmed that Lee spent the remainder of the afternoon contemplating this surprising turn of events and continuing to run trials in disbelief, only to sluggishly return to his apartment that evening wondering how he ever survived a full week at work.

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