Report: Holy Shit, It’s Wednesday

CHICAGO, IL—After being asked “How was your weekend?” as he entered the office, summer intern Connor Lee ‘18 concluded this morning upon gathering data from Monday and Tuesday that, holy shit, it’s Wednesday.

“On Monday I just chilled at home, then on Tuesday I hung with my family at the lake, and then…holy shit, it’s Wednesday,” muttered a disoriented Lee as he clutched his 8 AM double shot espresso reserved for Monday mornings only. The perplexed intern paused his train of thought to count on his fingertips the number of days since he had last sat in his office desk, discovering that contrary to his predictions, “Shit, wow, it’s the middle of the week already.”

Evidence of today being Wednesday became clear when another intern chirped, “Well what are you up to this weekend?”, as if it were some near and impending event.

“Needless to say, these results were completely unexpected,” the stunned intern said.

Sources confirmed that Lee spent the remainder of the afternoon contemplating this surprising turn of events and continuing to run trials in disbelief, only to sluggishly return to his apartment that evening wondering how he ever survived a full week at work.

Report: Lectures Most Productive When Spent Doing Homework For Other Class

URIS HALL — In a recent study from the Cornell Psychology department, the vast majority of university students are found to be most productive during lectures when they are doing homework for other classes.

“The data suggest that, instead of paying attention to philosophy or economics professors, a student’s time during rambling seminars is much better spent by silently working through problem sets or short-essay responses for unrelated courses,” said study co-author Dana Walsh. She added that traditional note-taking and class participation have always been huge obstacles preventing students from getting fifty pages of reading done before lunch.

“Our paper also shows that in addition to finishing homework, students also feel at their most prolific filling out graduate school applications or playing Temple Run right in the middle of their discussion or lab sections as well.”

Despite the study’s findings, researchers insist that attending lecture is still necessary for the few moments when the professor specifically mentions something will be on the exam.

Report: Current Rise in Tuition Levels Will Lead to Unsustainable Campus by 2024

DAY HALL — Following the Cornell Board of Trustees vote to increase tuition by 3.75%, a team of financial wellness scientists released a report detailing how, if tuition levels continue to grow at the current rate, Cornell’s campus will be unable to support students in just seven years.

“While a higher tuition will help fund programs in the short term, the long-term effects will be devastating to the Cornell community,” said Professor Harold Gerblet, who yesterday began purchasing a house in Ann Arbor in case he needs to evacuate.

Earlier estimates of the time left until Cornell will not be able to support student life predicted 35–50 years, yet with the new rate of rise in tuition, those estimates are clearly too generous.

“In a few year’s time, no one will be able to afford attending Cornell, flooding the rest of the Ivy League with displaced students giving a Harvard application another shot.”

Even though the scientific community has reached a consensus, Cornell’s official position is still that there is no clear correlation between actions of the Board of Trustees and rises in tuition.

Report: Guy From Your Hometown Knows That Guy You Know

DUFFIELD HALL — Addressing a wholly unbelievable occurrence surely more than sheer coincidence, a study from the Cornell Department of Sociology has found that a guy from your hometown knows that guy you also know.

“Studies across campus indicate that this guy has known that guy you’ve known since summer camp in 2010,” said Dr. Phil Hartman, the project’s principal investigator, adding that the sheer probability of you and another guy from your area both knowing a third guy is so crazy.

The findings also suggest that, though the two of them are not particularly close, this guy had one or two pretty funny anecdotes about that other guy, and probabilistic models indicate you will bring them up the next time you see that guy around.

The report concludes by showing that in nine out of ten cases, this guy from the city or suburb you grew up in also went to that restaurant you love, and the two of you will absolutely have to go together sometime over break.

Report: North Campus Has Not Gotten Smaller Despite Claims from Seniors

NORTH CAMPUS — Citing evidence compiled from a poll of 2,564 seniors who have revisited North Campus since their Freshman year, a report published Tuesday by the Cornell University Survey Research Institute claims that, despite common perception, North Campus has not shrunk in size over the past three years.

According to the study, nearly 97 percent of all seniors revisiting North Campus and its adjacent areas will claim that the edifices in which the freshmen inhabit have in fact downsized since the three years that they themselves resided there. The actual measurements of the structures, however, have remained constant.

“I used to absolutely dread walking up the hill to Balch Arch, and the stairs leading up to the CKB Quad were the absolute worst. I wish they had been this small back when I was a freshman,” reflected Ellen Ladley erroneously on the immutable measurements of landscape and buildings.

The dramatic change in perception is apparently not found in seniors revisiting West Campus, although after living on West students are likely to believe that the slope sank at least two inches over the course of one academic year.