President Pollack Wishes a Happy Mother’s Day to All of the Students Whom she Denied Reproductive Healthcare

At an event on Mother’s Day, President Pollack expressed her appreciation for the strong women who bore the burden of populating the forthcoming Cornell class of 2045. 

“Happy Mother’s Day! Motherhood is the greatest gift in life– any mother will tell you that,” began Pollack. “Sooooo, you’re welcome!”

The celebration was highly interactive; inspired by award shows, President Pollack delivered personalized remarks to the mothers in the crowd.

“Wow, he’s so big already!’ she said to Monica Layton ‘25, who can no longer afford tuition due to the cost of diapers. “Did you have that thing this whole time… And you skipped your finals and dropped out for a semester to raise him? Wow! No one understands the meaning of dedication like a Cornellian.”

The flashing lights, blaring music, and smoke machines that surrounded Martha as she spoke on the Barton stage had an adverse effect on many of the event’s infants. Fortunately, during the reception, she was there to comfort the crying child of a new sophomore mother.

“Having a mommy who went to Cornell is nothing to cry about,” she said kneeling down to meet the eyes of Charlie ‘45. “Congrats on your acceptance, by the way!”

Nearing the end of the speech, Layton grew disgruntled at Pollack’s supposed “neglect for the student body.” 

“What’s the point of accumulating generational wealth if you’re not gonna use it?” responded Pollack. “All of these fancy tech internships and you can’t handle a little baby? C’mon, ladies.”

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