OLIN LIBRARY—After a semester of achieving “maximal academic efficiency” by consuming all his lectures at fast pace and high pitch, Freddy Fedderman ‘26 was surprised to find that his study habits had left him talking in double-time.
Though Fedderman’s condition has been observed before, with a notable uptick during the Holiday Season from those who overindulge in The Chipmunk Song, this is the first case that Cornell Health has observed in a student.
“Freddy has just crammed too much knowledge into his brain,” explained Dr. Kyra Flem, University Psychologist. “After consuming a semester’s worth of lectures in just a few hours, his short term memory quadrant has expanded into the speech and language lobe, reducing it in size by about 50%”
While Fedderman may need to resign from the Speech and Debate team, he has received summer internship offers for work as an auctioneer, a spokesman for helium balloons, or a TikTok voiceover effect.
“Man-you-would-not-believe-how-insane-this-whole-thing-is-it-just-happened-to-me-out-of-nowhere-like-wham-bam-kaboom-just-kapow-and-now-I-talk-like-this!” said Fedderman, doing a surprisingly good Yakko Warner impression. “If-I-had-known-this-would-happen-to-me-I-would’ve-just-gone-to-lecture-well-that’s-not-true-but-I-probably-wouldn’t-have-watched-all-the-recordings.”
Though this unforeseen medical condition has caused a slight setback in his studies, Fedderman feels stronger than ever about his decision to major in Communications.
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