After three months of his internship at General Motors, Stuart Reed ‘18 is prepared to introduce his newly acquired coffee-fetching skills into the world of academia.
“The real-world experiences I’ve gathered at GM will really contribute to my education, ” said Reed confidently. “As a marketing intern, I’ve grown accustomed to quick critical thinking, like trying to figure out what to do when I spill half of my boss’s drink before it gets to her desk.”
The seasoned Starbucks-line-waiter has perfected the art of memorizing more than 20 different coffee orders from each person on his floor, including Diane’s venti skinny sugar-free vanilla latte with coconut milk and for the love of all things holy, hold the damn foam.
“I still remember the day I finally got Diane’s order right and she smiled at me in approval,” reminisced the former intern fondly. “I decided right there and then that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life.”
Excited to brag to future employers about the responsibilities he shouldered at his internship, Reed updated his resume by adding “exceptional strategic planning” to his list of impressive skills.
CHICAGO, IL—After being asked “How was your weekend?” as he entered the office, summer intern Connor Lee ‘18 concluded this morning upon gathering data from Monday and Tuesday that, holy shit, it’s Wednesday.
“On Monday I just chilled at home, then on Tuesday I hung with my family at the lake, and then…holy shit, it’s Wednesday,” muttered a disoriented Lee as he clutched his 8 AM double shot espresso reserved for Monday mornings only. The perplexed intern paused his train of thought to count on his fingertips the number of days since he had last sat in his office desk, discovering that contrary to his predictions, “Shit, wow, it’s the middle of the week already.”
Evidence of today being Wednesday became clear when another intern chirped, “Well what are you up to this weekend?”, as if it were some near and impending event.
“Needless to say, these results were completely unexpected,” the stunned intern said.
Sources confirmed that Lee spent the remainder of the afternoon contemplating this surprising turn of events and continuing to run trials in disbelief, only to sluggishly return to his apartment that evening wondering how he ever survived a full week at work.
LOWER MANHATTAN, NY— On Day 3 of living with no wage, unpaid intern Kyle Warner ’19 has somehow managed to sustain himself without food, water, or respect.
Responding to gnawing hunger and dehydration, Warner has learned to adapt to his hostile environment in order to remain standing. “Yesterday I foraged for dinner in the employee break room and stole Linda’s yogurt,” the resourceful student explained. “I’ll use the container to collect rainwater tonight, so I should be able to hold over until leftovers from the next office birthday party.”
Already, Warner has established himself among the other unpaid interns as a dominant force in the game with his “each man for his own” mentality. Charismatic enough to make friends and gain trust, the shrewd student has not hesitated to stab his competitors in the back if necessary.
“Getting assigned to help the secretary is ideal, since she usually keeps a bowl of candy out on her desk and sometimes if she’s feeling charitable she’ll give you a piece,” said Warner while filing contact information and trying to suppress the memories of four grueling semesters that led him to this coffee-boy position.
Despite being challenged physically and mentally with such high stakes, the formidable twenty-year-old is expected to survive for the remainder of these two months.